Disclaimer: I do not own Reservoir Dogs or Cowboy Bebop, the two belong to their rightful owners and creators, this is a fanfic I made for the two.
Eight guys dressed in black suits, six men dressed in black ties, two woman in black dresses, sit around a table at a breakfast bar. They are Mr. Spiegel, Mr. Black, Mr. Shin, Mr. Lin, Ms. Valentine, Ms Julia, Ms. Tivrusky, Tough Guy Ted Bower and the big boss, Vicious. Most are finished eating and are enjoying their coffee and conversation, while Vicious flips through a red address book. Ms. Valentine is telling a long and involved story about fucked up pop music. "Let me tell you what I'm A Slave 4 U" is all about. It is all about a teenage boy who digs a teenage girl with fake tits. The entire song is a metaphor for fake tits."
"No it is not. It is about a teenage girl who is fedup with her lover's cheating schemes and could not get laid. Then she starts bullshitting about being a little girl --"
"-- whoa... whoa...time out Ms. Tivrusky. Tell all that bullshit to the other bubblegum tourists." Ms. Valentine interrupted while Vicious looks through the address book.
"Faye...who the blue fuck is Faye? Faye...Faye...think...think..."
"I'm A Slave 4 U" is not about a sensitive girl who falls for a sensitive geek. Now granted that is what "Oops, I did it again" is about, no argument about that."
"Which one is "Oops, I did it again?" Mr. Shin asked.
"You do not remember "Oops, I did it again?" That was a shitty ass hit for Spears. Shit, I do not even follow that billboard tops in bubblegum pop bullshit, and teenagers always listen to that shit." Tough Guy Bower said.
"Look, dumbass, I did not say I have not heard of it. All I asked was how does it go? Excuse me for not being the galaxy's huge BS fan."
"I despise Britney." Mr. Black said.
"I like that hard rock and progressive rock. You know, "Down With The Sickness", "Iron Man", "Run Like Hell" - but once Spears got into that sexual intercourse phase, I do not know, I switch radio stations." Ms. Julia said.
"Hey, fuck all that, I am making a point here. You going to make me lose my train of thought here." Ms. Valentine argued.
"Oh damn, Faye is that young korean singer girl." Vicious said.
"What is that?" Mr. Spiegel asked.
"I found this address book in a jacket I have not worn in a few years. Faye what? What the hell was her last name?"
"The fuck was I talking about?"
"You said "Oops I did it again" was about a geek who finds a martian teenager. But "I'm A Slave 4 U" was a metaphor for fake tits." Mr. Black answered.
"Let me tell you what "I'm A Slave 4 U" is all about. It is all about this cunt is who is a genuine fuck machine. I am talking morning, day, night, afternoon, evening, tits, tits, tits, tits, tits, tits, tits, tits, tits, tits, tits!" Faye explained.
"How many tits is that?" Mr. Shin asked.
"Eleven." Mr. Spiegel answered.
"Then one day he meets this gigolo of a motherfucker, and it is like, hit me baby. This motherfucker is like Mike Myers in "Austin Powers". Now he is getting this serious tits action, she is feeling something she has felt since all the time. fucking."
"Midori? Faye Midori? No."
"It does not even hurt. It does not even hurt her. It should be painful. Her pussy should be bubblicious by then. But when this bitch fucks him, it does not hurt. The pain is reminding a real fuck machine what is was like to be a slave. Hence, "I'm A Slave 4 U." Ms. Valentine finishes explaining and everyone cracks up.
"Hayabusa?" Vicious thoughted.
"Fuck you, wrong! I am right! What the fuck do you know about this anyway? You are still listening to Emi-fucking-nem." Mr. Black said.
"Not wrong, dumbass, Hayabusa! You know, like the japanese name?" Mr. Spiegel snatches the address book from Vicious' hand. They argue, but they are not really pissed at each other.
"Give me that fucking thing."
"What the hell do you think you are doing? Give me my book back!"
"I am sick of fucking hearing it Vicious, I will give it back when we leave."
"What do you mean, give it to me when we leave, give it back right now."
"For the past half hour now, you have just been droning on with names. "Faye...Faye...Faye...Faye Hayabusa...Faye Hayabusa... Faye Chung...fucking Tommy Chung!" I got Spears' fake tits out of my right ear, and Faye the jap I-do-not-know-what, out of my left." Mr. Spiegel said.
"What do you care?" Vicious asked.
"When you are annoying as hell, I care a lot."
"Give me my book back."
"Are you going to put it away?"
"I am going to do whatever I want to do with it."
"Well, then, I am afraid I am going to have to keep it."
"Vicious, you want me to shoot him for you?" Mr. Shin asked.
"Shit, you shoot me in a dream, you better wake up and carry that weight."
"Have you guys been listening to WEBN's* block party saturday?" Tough Guy Bower asked.
"Yes, it is the fucking bomb, is it not?" Ms. Tivrusky said.
"Can you believe the songs they been playing?"
"No, I cannot. You know what I heard the other day? "Nothing Else Matters," by Metallica. I have not heard that since I was in the fourth grade."
"When I was coming down here, I was playing it. And "Light My Fire" came on. Now I have not heard that song since it was success, but when it became a big success, I heard it a thousand times. I am listening to it this morning, and this was the first time I ever realized that Morrison singing the song was a genius."
"You did not know Morrison was fined of indecent proposal?" Mr. Lin asked.
"I thought he was fined of causing a riot."
"He says it in his words."
"I know, I heard it. I must of zoned out whenever the instrumental section came on before. I thought when he said about setting the night on fire, he was talking about burning it all."
"No, he did it. He did indecent proposal, too."
"You know that part in "Run Like Hell - Kittie Version," when they say "they will send you back to mother in a cardboard box?" I could never figure out what they mean't." Mr. Black said. The table laughs at the respond. The waiter comes over to their table. He holds a check, and a small pot of coffee.
"Can I get anyone some refill on the coffee." the waiter said.
"No, we are going to be hitting it. I will take care of the check." Vicious said as he hands the bill to him.
"Here you go. Please pay at the register, if you would not mind."
"Certainly."
"You guys have a wonderful day." They all mutter equivalents as the waiter exits and Vicious stands up.
"All right, I will take care of the bill, you guys." he then turns to Mr. Spiegel. "And you, when I get back, I want my book back."
"Sorry, it is my book now." Mr. Spiegel said.
"Mr. Shin, I change my mind, shoot this piece of shit, will you?" Mr. Shin shoots Mr. Spiegel with his finger. Spiegel acts shot while Vicious exits.
"Okay, everybody cough up the woolong for the young man." Tough guy Bower announced as everyone whips out a woolong and tosses it on the table. Everyone, that is, except Mr. Black. "Come on, throw in a woolong."
"No way. I do not tip." Mr. Black said.
"What do you mean you do not tip?"
"I just do not like tipping, it goes against my religion."
"It goes against your religion?" Tough guy bower said while Ms. Valentine laughed.
"I love this guy, he is a psycho, this man."
"Do you have any idea what these waiters and waitresses make? They make a pile of shit." Mr. Lin explained.
"Do not give me that crap. They cannot make enough woolong, they can transfer." Everyone laughs at Mr. Black's comment.
"I do not even know a Blackdog who would have the balls to say that. So let us get this straight and simple. You do not tip?"
"I do not tip because the law says I got to. I tip when someone is really poor. When someone really puts forth an effort, they deserve something extra. But this tipping randomly, that shit is for the crows. As far as I am concerned, they are just doing their job."
"Our waiter was polite." Mr. Lin said.
"Our waiter was alright. He did not do anything real special."
"What is something real special, taking you in the back of the kitchen, bring in a whore to suck your dick?" Mr. Shin laughed.
"I would go over twenty percent for that."
"Look, I ordered coffee. No we have been a long fucking time, and he has only filled up my mug five times. When I ordered coffee, I wanted it filled eight times."
"What if he is too busy?" Ms. Julia asked.
"The words "too busy" should not be in a waiter or waitresses's vocabulary." Mr. Black answered.
"Excuse me, Mr. Black, but the final thing you need is one more mug of coffee." Tough Guy Bower said as they all laugh.
"These ladies and gentlemen are not starving to death. Shit, they make minimum wage. When I worked for minimum wage, I was not lucky enough to have a job that the law deemed tipworthy."
"Ahh, now we are getting down to it. It is not just that he is such a cheapass bastard--"
"--It is that too.--" Ms. Tivrusky interrupted.
"-- It is that too. But it is also he could not get a better job. You talk like a pissed off gangster: "Fuck them dickwads and their motherfucking tips."
"So you do not care that they are counting on your tip to live?" Ms. Julia asked while Mr. Black rubs two of his metallic fingers together making a screeching noise.
"Do you know what this is? It use to mean 'bling bling' but it is the universe's tiniest mandolin playing just for the waiters and waitresses."
"You know you do not have the slightest idea what you are talking about. These people bust their asses. This is a very difficult job."
"So is working at Burger King, Golden Corral, and McDonald's, but you do not feel the need to tip them. They are serving you food, you should tip them. But no, the law says do not tip these guys over here, but tip those guys over there. That is some fucked up bullshit."
"They work harder than the kids at BK, McD and Golden Corral." Mr. Lin said.
"Oh, cut the crap, I do not see them cleaning the frying pans and spatulas."
"These people are taxed on the tips they make. When you stiff them, you owe them woolong." Mr. Shin said.
"Waitress and waitering is the number two occupation for male and female non-college graduates in the universe. It is the one jab basically any man and woman can get, and make a living on. The reason is because of all the woolong tips they make." Mr. Spiegel explained.
"Fuck all that." They all laugh except for Mr. Black. "Hey, I am very sorry that the law taxes their tips. That is just fucked up. But that is not my fault. It would appear that waiters and waitresses are just one of the many groups next to drug dealers and thugs the law fucks in the vagina on a regular basis. You show me a letter says the law should not do that, I will sign it. Put it to a vote, I will vote for it. But what I will not do is play fucking ball. And this non-college bullshit you are telling me, I got a few words for that: "Learn your fucking grammar." Because if you are expecting me to help out with the rent, you are in for a huge amount of fucking surprises."
"He has convinced me. Give me back my woolong." Mr. Lin said as Tough Guy Bower slams his hand on the tip.
"Hey! Leave the woolong there." Everyone laughs out loud as Vicious comes back to the table.
"All right, people. Let us go and kick some ass. Wait a minute, who did not throw in their tip?"
"Mr. Black." Mr. Spiegel said.
"Mr. Black? Why?"
"He does not tip."
"You do not tip? Why?"
"It goes--"
"Shut the fuck up, Spiegel!" Vicious interrupted, turning his direction towards Mr. Black. "What do you mean it goes against your religion? Cough up the woolong, you metallic arm bastard, I paid for your motherfucking breakfast."
"Because you paid for the entire breakfast, I am going to tip for you. Normally I do this when I feel like it." Mr. Black said.
"Whatever. Just throw in your woolong, and let us move out. I am fucking dealing with junkies, not men." Vicious said as the eight men get up to depart. Mr. Black tosses his part of the tip onto the table and buttons his coat. The Black Suits exit the Restaurant, talking amongst themselves.
"This is 102.7 WEBN* the galaxy's number one rock station and that was "Magic Dance" by David Bowie from the Labyrinth soundtrack, stay tuned as we will bring requests from The Doors, KoRn, Trapt, Mudvayne, Metallica, Puddle of Mudd, and Pink Floyd here at WEBN, rocking your balls and vagina off 24 hours every day."
"*WEBN is based on Cincinnati, Ohio's number one rock station of all time."
Eight guys dressed in black suits, six men dressed in black ties, two woman in black dresses, sit around a table at a breakfast bar. They are Mr. Spiegel, Mr. Black, Mr. Shin, Mr. Lin, Ms. Valentine, Ms Julia, Ms. Tivrusky, Tough Guy Ted Bower and the big boss, Vicious. Most are finished eating and are enjoying their coffee and conversation, while Vicious flips through a red address book. Ms. Valentine is telling a long and involved story about fucked up pop music. "Let me tell you what I'm A Slave 4 U" is all about. It is all about a teenage boy who digs a teenage girl with fake tits. The entire song is a metaphor for fake tits."
"No it is not. It is about a teenage girl who is fedup with her lover's cheating schemes and could not get laid. Then she starts bullshitting about being a little girl --"
"-- whoa... whoa...time out Ms. Tivrusky. Tell all that bullshit to the other bubblegum tourists." Ms. Valentine interrupted while Vicious looks through the address book.
"Faye...who the blue fuck is Faye? Faye...Faye...think...think..."
"I'm A Slave 4 U" is not about a sensitive girl who falls for a sensitive geek. Now granted that is what "Oops, I did it again" is about, no argument about that."
"Which one is "Oops, I did it again?" Mr. Shin asked.
"You do not remember "Oops, I did it again?" That was a shitty ass hit for Spears. Shit, I do not even follow that billboard tops in bubblegum pop bullshit, and teenagers always listen to that shit." Tough Guy Bower said.
"Look, dumbass, I did not say I have not heard of it. All I asked was how does it go? Excuse me for not being the galaxy's huge BS fan."
"I despise Britney." Mr. Black said.
"I like that hard rock and progressive rock. You know, "Down With The Sickness", "Iron Man", "Run Like Hell" - but once Spears got into that sexual intercourse phase, I do not know, I switch radio stations." Ms. Julia said.
"Hey, fuck all that, I am making a point here. You going to make me lose my train of thought here." Ms. Valentine argued.
"Oh damn, Faye is that young korean singer girl." Vicious said.
"What is that?" Mr. Spiegel asked.
"I found this address book in a jacket I have not worn in a few years. Faye what? What the hell was her last name?"
"The fuck was I talking about?"
"You said "Oops I did it again" was about a geek who finds a martian teenager. But "I'm A Slave 4 U" was a metaphor for fake tits." Mr. Black answered.
"Let me tell you what "I'm A Slave 4 U" is all about. It is all about this cunt is who is a genuine fuck machine. I am talking morning, day, night, afternoon, evening, tits, tits, tits, tits, tits, tits, tits, tits, tits, tits, tits!" Faye explained.
"How many tits is that?" Mr. Shin asked.
"Eleven." Mr. Spiegel answered.
"Then one day he meets this gigolo of a motherfucker, and it is like, hit me baby. This motherfucker is like Mike Myers in "Austin Powers". Now he is getting this serious tits action, she is feeling something she has felt since all the time. fucking."
"Midori? Faye Midori? No."
"It does not even hurt. It does not even hurt her. It should be painful. Her pussy should be bubblicious by then. But when this bitch fucks him, it does not hurt. The pain is reminding a real fuck machine what is was like to be a slave. Hence, "I'm A Slave 4 U." Ms. Valentine finishes explaining and everyone cracks up.
"Hayabusa?" Vicious thoughted.
"Fuck you, wrong! I am right! What the fuck do you know about this anyway? You are still listening to Emi-fucking-nem." Mr. Black said.
"Not wrong, dumbass, Hayabusa! You know, like the japanese name?" Mr. Spiegel snatches the address book from Vicious' hand. They argue, but they are not really pissed at each other.
"Give me that fucking thing."
"What the hell do you think you are doing? Give me my book back!"
"I am sick of fucking hearing it Vicious, I will give it back when we leave."
"What do you mean, give it to me when we leave, give it back right now."
"For the past half hour now, you have just been droning on with names. "Faye...Faye...Faye...Faye Hayabusa...Faye Hayabusa... Faye Chung...fucking Tommy Chung!" I got Spears' fake tits out of my right ear, and Faye the jap I-do-not-know-what, out of my left." Mr. Spiegel said.
"What do you care?" Vicious asked.
"When you are annoying as hell, I care a lot."
"Give me my book back."
"Are you going to put it away?"
"I am going to do whatever I want to do with it."
"Well, then, I am afraid I am going to have to keep it."
"Vicious, you want me to shoot him for you?" Mr. Shin asked.
"Shit, you shoot me in a dream, you better wake up and carry that weight."
"Have you guys been listening to WEBN's* block party saturday?" Tough Guy Bower asked.
"Yes, it is the fucking bomb, is it not?" Ms. Tivrusky said.
"Can you believe the songs they been playing?"
"No, I cannot. You know what I heard the other day? "Nothing Else Matters," by Metallica. I have not heard that since I was in the fourth grade."
"When I was coming down here, I was playing it. And "Light My Fire" came on. Now I have not heard that song since it was success, but when it became a big success, I heard it a thousand times. I am listening to it this morning, and this was the first time I ever realized that Morrison singing the song was a genius."
"You did not know Morrison was fined of indecent proposal?" Mr. Lin asked.
"I thought he was fined of causing a riot."
"He says it in his words."
"I know, I heard it. I must of zoned out whenever the instrumental section came on before. I thought when he said about setting the night on fire, he was talking about burning it all."
"No, he did it. He did indecent proposal, too."
"You know that part in "Run Like Hell - Kittie Version," when they say "they will send you back to mother in a cardboard box?" I could never figure out what they mean't." Mr. Black said. The table laughs at the respond. The waiter comes over to their table. He holds a check, and a small pot of coffee.
"Can I get anyone some refill on the coffee." the waiter said.
"No, we are going to be hitting it. I will take care of the check." Vicious said as he hands the bill to him.
"Here you go. Please pay at the register, if you would not mind."
"Certainly."
"You guys have a wonderful day." They all mutter equivalents as the waiter exits and Vicious stands up.
"All right, I will take care of the bill, you guys." he then turns to Mr. Spiegel. "And you, when I get back, I want my book back."
"Sorry, it is my book now." Mr. Spiegel said.
"Mr. Shin, I change my mind, shoot this piece of shit, will you?" Mr. Shin shoots Mr. Spiegel with his finger. Spiegel acts shot while Vicious exits.
"Okay, everybody cough up the woolong for the young man." Tough guy Bower announced as everyone whips out a woolong and tosses it on the table. Everyone, that is, except Mr. Black. "Come on, throw in a woolong."
"No way. I do not tip." Mr. Black said.
"What do you mean you do not tip?"
"I just do not like tipping, it goes against my religion."
"It goes against your religion?" Tough guy bower said while Ms. Valentine laughed.
"I love this guy, he is a psycho, this man."
"Do you have any idea what these waiters and waitresses make? They make a pile of shit." Mr. Lin explained.
"Do not give me that crap. They cannot make enough woolong, they can transfer." Everyone laughs at Mr. Black's comment.
"I do not even know a Blackdog who would have the balls to say that. So let us get this straight and simple. You do not tip?"
"I do not tip because the law says I got to. I tip when someone is really poor. When someone really puts forth an effort, they deserve something extra. But this tipping randomly, that shit is for the crows. As far as I am concerned, they are just doing their job."
"Our waiter was polite." Mr. Lin said.
"Our waiter was alright. He did not do anything real special."
"What is something real special, taking you in the back of the kitchen, bring in a whore to suck your dick?" Mr. Shin laughed.
"I would go over twenty percent for that."
"Look, I ordered coffee. No we have been a long fucking time, and he has only filled up my mug five times. When I ordered coffee, I wanted it filled eight times."
"What if he is too busy?" Ms. Julia asked.
"The words "too busy" should not be in a waiter or waitresses's vocabulary." Mr. Black answered.
"Excuse me, Mr. Black, but the final thing you need is one more mug of coffee." Tough Guy Bower said as they all laugh.
"These ladies and gentlemen are not starving to death. Shit, they make minimum wage. When I worked for minimum wage, I was not lucky enough to have a job that the law deemed tipworthy."
"Ahh, now we are getting down to it. It is not just that he is such a cheapass bastard--"
"--It is that too.--" Ms. Tivrusky interrupted.
"-- It is that too. But it is also he could not get a better job. You talk like a pissed off gangster: "Fuck them dickwads and their motherfucking tips."
"So you do not care that they are counting on your tip to live?" Ms. Julia asked while Mr. Black rubs two of his metallic fingers together making a screeching noise.
"Do you know what this is? It use to mean 'bling bling' but it is the universe's tiniest mandolin playing just for the waiters and waitresses."
"You know you do not have the slightest idea what you are talking about. These people bust their asses. This is a very difficult job."
"So is working at Burger King, Golden Corral, and McDonald's, but you do not feel the need to tip them. They are serving you food, you should tip them. But no, the law says do not tip these guys over here, but tip those guys over there. That is some fucked up bullshit."
"They work harder than the kids at BK, McD and Golden Corral." Mr. Lin said.
"Oh, cut the crap, I do not see them cleaning the frying pans and spatulas."
"These people are taxed on the tips they make. When you stiff them, you owe them woolong." Mr. Shin said.
"Waitress and waitering is the number two occupation for male and female non-college graduates in the universe. It is the one jab basically any man and woman can get, and make a living on. The reason is because of all the woolong tips they make." Mr. Spiegel explained.
"Fuck all that." They all laugh except for Mr. Black. "Hey, I am very sorry that the law taxes their tips. That is just fucked up. But that is not my fault. It would appear that waiters and waitresses are just one of the many groups next to drug dealers and thugs the law fucks in the vagina on a regular basis. You show me a letter says the law should not do that, I will sign it. Put it to a vote, I will vote for it. But what I will not do is play fucking ball. And this non-college bullshit you are telling me, I got a few words for that: "Learn your fucking grammar." Because if you are expecting me to help out with the rent, you are in for a huge amount of fucking surprises."
"He has convinced me. Give me back my woolong." Mr. Lin said as Tough Guy Bower slams his hand on the tip.
"Hey! Leave the woolong there." Everyone laughs out loud as Vicious comes back to the table.
"All right, people. Let us go and kick some ass. Wait a minute, who did not throw in their tip?"
"Mr. Black." Mr. Spiegel said.
"Mr. Black? Why?"
"He does not tip."
"You do not tip? Why?"
"It goes--"
"Shut the fuck up, Spiegel!" Vicious interrupted, turning his direction towards Mr. Black. "What do you mean it goes against your religion? Cough up the woolong, you metallic arm bastard, I paid for your motherfucking breakfast."
"Because you paid for the entire breakfast, I am going to tip for you. Normally I do this when I feel like it." Mr. Black said.
"Whatever. Just throw in your woolong, and let us move out. I am fucking dealing with junkies, not men." Vicious said as the eight men get up to depart. Mr. Black tosses his part of the tip onto the table and buttons his coat. The Black Suits exit the Restaurant, talking amongst themselves.
"This is 102.7 WEBN* the galaxy's number one rock station and that was "Magic Dance" by David Bowie from the Labyrinth soundtrack, stay tuned as we will bring requests from The Doors, KoRn, Trapt, Mudvayne, Metallica, Puddle of Mudd, and Pink Floyd here at WEBN, rocking your balls and vagina off 24 hours every day."
"*WEBN is based on Cincinnati, Ohio's number one rock station of all time."