AN: This story begins after the basement flood in Sound and Fury (4.12)
Elizabeth placed her hand on the doorknob and took a deep breath. She felt like her life was falling apart. There was something seriously disconcerting about Conrad's behavior. She was spending her days putting out the fires that he started. She didn't need troubles on the home front. When things were in upheaval at home, her anxiety climbed to oxygen depleting levels. Hard telling what her blood pressure was. And yet, the basement was still flooded.
Luckily, Henry and the kids were kind enough to go through and sort most of the things. Now, just a pile of her personal things remained that she needed to go through. Maybe a walk down memory lane would calm her.
She flipped the light switch and made her way down the stairs. The wood creaked under her weight and the air was still heavy and musty, despite the industrial fans which had been running constantly since Earl made his appearance three days ago. There, on the workbench, were several books and photo albums.
Elizabeth heaved a sigh of relief. All of the photo albums from her childhood were undamaged and neatly stacked at the end of the bench. Quickly, she flipped through a couple to make sure they were indeed unharmed and moved to the next pile. On top was her Memory book from high school with damp edges. Skimming the pages, she decided that she was pretty well emotionally removed from that and tossed it behind her into the large trash can. Next came a stack of secretary notes from Pi Mu Epsilon meetings in 1989-90. "Why?," she muttered, wondering how they had survived the many moves she and Henry had made over the years.
She made quick work of most everything in the second pile until she got to the leather bound book with the blue leather cover and red ribbon bookmark hanging from the bottom. Her breath hitched as she ran her fingers over the italic gold lettering, "journal." Elizabeth couldn't remember the last time she saw this book, but her heart ached and exploded with joy simultaneously. Fingering the edges of the pages, it seemed that this one had escaped the flood, and for that she was glad.
Elizabeth scooted a stool under the light bulb that hung from the floor joists above her head and opened the book. Seeing her mother's small, slanted and perfect script written across the page made a sizeable lump form in her throat.
Lizzie, I wish you every happiness in the world and I'm offering you a place to record all of those things as well as the hard times. It's good to remember the past but always look forward to the joy that awaits you in the future. Happy 15th birthday. Love, Mom
Turning the page, she found her first entry, written in teen girl loopy script with hearts as dots on the i's.
February 25, 1983
Mom got me this journal for my birthday. She told me that it's to write important stuff. Journaling, she said helps you "work through feelings." She thinks I'm moody. I'm rolling my eyes hard. I think she's full of shit. Ha! I can use curse words. I find that humorous.
March 20, 1983
They're dead. Mom and Dad. Both. There was a car wreck.
March 24, 1983
Today was the funeral. Will and I buried our parents. I'm never going back to the cemetery again. I can't think about my feelings. If I feel, I will fall apart. I can't do that. Will needs me.
June 10,1983
I can't breathe. I can't speak. I'm so angry, but I can't let anyone see that.
August 12, 1983
We leave for boarding school tomorrow. Will is excited. I am dreading it. I know Aunt Joan travels a lot, but we're 15 and 13. It's not like we're babies. We could take care of ourselves and stay in our same school. It's so stupid. Just when you think your life can't get worse, it does. It makes me not want to get out of bed in the morning. I am so angry with Mom and Dad. How could they just leave us? Why wasn't Dad more careful? How can I hate them and love them and miss them so terribly at the same time?
December 20, 1983
It's been a while. I left this at home (is it really home?). But I think I'll take it back with me. School isn't so bad. I joined the field hockey team and debate team. Will says it's about time I put my arguing skills to work for good instead of just griping at him. Maybe that's true, but someone needs to keep him in line. Somehow, in a fucked up turn of fate, that person is me. I don't want to do Christmas. It isn't the same without Mom and Dad. I want cookie decorating and arguing about where to put the ornaments on the tree and cuddling on the couch watching the fire with the Christmas lights making the living room glow. It fucking sucks. I live my life and no one would know anything is wrong, but there is a huge hole inside me that won't ever be filled again.
March 20, 1984
How has it been a whole year? I'm done being mad about it, but now it's just a longing and wishing I would've gone. I should've gone. Will says it happened like it was supposed to, but I know better. I should've been there with him. Then I'd know too-I'd know what he knows. He doesn't ever talk about it. He pretends like it didn't happen. He's moved on. He might come by to say hi today, but maybe not. He has a baseball game. Maybe he doesn't even remember. He doesn't act like he does, and that hurts the most.
June 4, 1984
I started my first job today. I'm working at a horse barn. I miss being around horses. We sold ours when Mom and Dad died, but we had no choice. Anyway, I clean the stalls and I'm giving lessons to a couple of girls. I think it will be fun. It will make me think of other things.
June 9, 1984
There's a new guy at the farm. Chad seems nice. We're going to the movies tonight.
July 4, 1984
Chad and I are getting serious. Maybe more serious than I would like. I don't know. I used to get so weird when Mom would try to have those girl talks with me. I wish she were here to talk to now.
July 28, 1984
So we did it. I think I'm supposed to be excited or changed in some sort of life altering way, but I'm not. Sex isn't like it is in the movies. But, I suppose most of life isn't like the movies. He's going to college in a couple weeks, and I'm going back to school. I'm pretty sure he doesn't want anything past this summer, nor do I. And that's fine.
August 19, 1984
I started classes today. My junior year. Joey's back. He didn't think he'd get to return to America for school, but his mother talked his father into it. He's a Bahraini prince. Their country has some really backward ideas, but Joey isn't like that at all. We met in debate club last year and he's a nice guy. Nothing can ever happen. He's already betrothed to a Bahraini girl. He's a good friend though. It's been a while since I had a real friend.
Elizabeth flipped through the pages of her high school years. A protest over the placement of the water cooler at field hockey games. Another couple miscellaneous boyfriends that lasted almost as long at it took to make the journal entry. Then the page opened to New Year's Day, 1986. So far, she'd done pretty well keeping her emotions in check. Her breath caught in her throat, as all of those feelings flooded her, just like they did so many years ago.
January 1, 1986
I'm not sure what happened. Will left to spend Christmas with some friends and then go skiing the week after. Aunt Joan is out of the country and I'm sitting alone in my room at school. I thought about going down to the common room to watch TV, but I think the noise would shatter me. It's so quiet. I haven't spoken in days. Usually, I can talk to myself, but I found that I have nothing to say. So, instead I imagine what things would've looked like if Mom and Dad were still alive. Will and I would be home, I'd ride every day and probably try out steeplechase. My friends and I would go to the movies and hang out in the park, waiting for the guys to come by and talk to us. I'd probably have a boyfriend. Maybe William or Kevin-we always got along well. Mom and Dad would be taking me to visit colleges. They'd try to be fair and open to other ideas, but I would know that they were pulling for UVA. Good news guys, you're getting your wish. I got early admittance to UVA a month ago. I didn't bother applying anywhere else. I knew it's where you hoped I would go. I hope I can make you proud.
Elizabeth shut the book, her finger holding the place, and leaned into the concrete wall behind her. It had been more than a quarter of a century since she felt that way, but reading those words took her right back in an instant. That feeling of deep aloneness, never fully went away. Sure, once she made it to college, she met new people and before the semester was over, she met Henry, and eventually he had filled the hole in her heart left by her parents' death.
Even when they were new, there was always something about Henry, something that made her feel safe, wanted, and loved. Flipping forward a few pages, she found it-the day she met Henry.
October 20, 1986
I think I may die of embarrassment. Today at the library, I was standing in the stacks, looking for the last book I needed for my Intro to Political Science essay. I already pulled six books, but then there was another one that looked interesting, so I went to pull it off the shelf and my whole stack of books shifted and went flying, making a huge clatter. Of course being in the basement, it echoed, further highlighting my clumsiness. I immediately fall to my knees and start picking up the books. I wasn't paying attention and accidentally cracked heads with a guy who stopped to help me. He was cute and I know I blushed like crazy. I was so embarrassed.
Elizabeth closed her eyes and smiled, remembering that which wasn't written. "I was just coming to see what the noise was all about," he'd said, gingerly rubbing his forehead. Elizabeth remembered how hot her cheeks felt and she was sure she was beet red.
"I'm so sorry," she mumbled.
Still crouching down beside her, he held out his hand to introduce himself. "I'm not," he said. "I'm Henry McCord."
Her stomach flipped inside her body when she extended her hand and met his gaze. He was so incredibly handsome and had such a kind smile. She wasn't sure how her insides could be turning themselves inside out and leave her feeling like she was on fire all at the same time. "Elizabeth Adams," she said softly, and gave him a shy smile. "Thanks for helping me, and sorry about your head."
"How did you not get hurt?" Henry asked.
"My dad always said I was hard headed," she laughed, but it faded away as she realized what she'd said. Looking up, Henry was giving her a questioning look. He definitely noticed and offered her a hand to help her stand. "Thank you, Henry," she said, now hoping for a reason to keep him talking longer.
"Maybe I'll see you around sometime. Until then," he said, giving her a slight bow and he headed on down the aisle.
Back in the basement, Elizabeth laughed as she thought about how incredibly dorky that was and how much she loved that about him.
She flipped through those early first dates-bowling, Scrabble nights, and even voting. Elizabeth smiled as she read her many entries, now able to see how her love for Henry was growing.
February 7, 1987
Henry asked me if I would come with him to his parents' house over our four day weekend. I didn't know what to say, so I said I'd have to check and get back with him. If I go, they will ask about my family. He still doesn't know about Mom and Dad. I feel like we're going too fast. I don't think I'm ready to share that with anyone. But, Henry is such an important part of my life now. He deserves to know. Why can't I tell him?
February 14, 1987
I totally ruined Valentine's Day. Henry came to my room to pick me up and he had flowers and we ate a nice dinner. Once again, he asked me about going to meet his parents and I got all weird. Then he thought he'd done something wrong and now he thinks I'm mad. And now, I am mad-mad at myself. He was going to take me back to his place and I was hoping we could go a little farther than we've been before. But now he probably doesn't even want to see me anymore. Damnit! Why can't anything just be easy? Why can I not just let myself get invested? I want Henry and I to be more than just boyfriend/girlfriend, but I can't even tell him about my parents.
Elizabeth drew in a ragged breath. Looking back now she could see it, but at the time, she had no idea what was happening. Walling up her emotions about her parents, also closed off her ability to share emotions at all. If Elizabeth knew anything about herself, it was that she never went halfway on anything. No matter what she did, she was all in. The more time that passed, the more she buried her emotions. She couldn't compartmentalize them. But if she was going to really be able to love Henry, she had to get it all out, and it was coming. She closed the book and set it aside. She needed to get some other things accomplished, but she definitely needed to revisit this story, even though she already knew the ending.