The Colour of His Eyes, a harry potter fanfic

Sirius is serious. This is the first time ever I've seen him this serious. There's an awkward silence. The only sound being made is the sound of our breathing. His words almost echo in the Shrieking Shack. "I'm in love with you." How canny, how stereotype, it might have sound, it sounded real. Like he was about to combust just by saying it. As if he had carried this weight on his shoulder way too long. Like he was scared. Scared perhaps of what I might think. But inside my head is just this eerie sound of nothing. A blush starts to creep up my cheeks. I hide my face in my hands. What should I do? What should I say? I remove my hands. From the corner of my eye I can see that he looks down at the floor. I look at him.

"I thought… I thought you hated me." My voice is strained and have the hint of confusion. He looks up, his eyes blank. The colour of them a darker grey than usual. Almost…fathomless.

"What? Why should I hate you?" he laughs a little, his voice, too, confused. Like he doesn't understand my train of thought. He steps closer, closing the gap between us. I feel my nostrils vibrate a little and my eyes get wet as he approaches me. My throat tightens. And I'm out of breath. This is wrong.

I hate him.

He hates me.

Three months earlier.

"What the Merlin have I done wrong?", I yell out loud in frustration, clenching my hand in anger. I sit outside on one of Hogwarts Hills reading Hogwarts: A History. I couldn't concentrate on the book. Thoughts distracted me so much that I couldn't concentrate. Thoughts about him. Sirius. He had acted strange these past months. Now, the weird things is, he only acted strange towards me. Not towards The Order, not even towards Harry, even though their relationship had been a little strained this half year. I sigh loudly. Sometimes it's good to be up in these hills. You can just yell out all your troubles. Nobody really comes here. The only sound I can hear, is the sound of birds chirping. I slam the book shut, even more frustrated now that I can't concentrate on my book. I think I'll just go back and find another book. One that I haven't read before. That means I'll probably have to look through the whole damn library. I get up, gather my stuff and stalk towards the school. On my way I meet Lavender Brown and her friend Parvati Patil.

"Mione", Lavender exclaimed. I look down at my book and sigh inwardly. Here we go again. "Have you heard that Sirius Black was seen near Hogsmeade two days ago?" My eyebrows try to stretch up in a surprised look. Of all the God damn people, Sirius's the one to cause a fuzz. Lavender starts to babble on with her gossip, and I try to look interested in what she's saying. Inside my head I try to conduct a plan to escape her rambling.

Patil says: "I heard that he should smell so much, that we can smell him before he even reach our gates." She giggles at her own joke. Lavender puts on a strained smile, annoyed at having attention drawn to another person.

"Well, he might be smelly and… well, unwashed, but", her voice decreased dramatically, "if you shave of his beard, wash him, really wash him and give him new clothes…" her eyes stared somewhere in the distance, as if watching a daydream. Patil followed her train of thought. Both of the girls giggled in unison. Ugh, how stupid they were. They have never even met him, just judged him on his looks. And even though I have met him a couple of times, and frankly don't have anything against him, he's not that charming. He is unwashed. But… Ugh, why do I even bother wasting time on this.

"Sorry, Lavender", I say abrupt, stopping her mid-sentence in her rambling. "But I have to go to the library now." I give her a look of apology as I turn away from her and half-run to the library.

Oh, God, let it be winter soon. I don't want to be stuck here anymore. The only thing I'm doing is to prepare for the battle, that will inevitable happen. But right now, I feel like I'm stuck. Just stuck. The Order is doing many things, fighting the Death Eaters, and I'm talking to Lavender Brown. I don't feel like I accomplish anything like they do. I'm only allowed to go to Grimauld Place 12 during my vacations. And not that I'm being all touchy and anything, but it's really dirty in there. Every time I sit on a furniture, at least 60 years of dust glitters in the dim lights.

Walking with my only my thoughts as company, I didn't realize a danger I was putting myself into. I ran straight into the very body of Draco Malfoy. I gulped, before picking up my scattered belongings, hoping that he would leave me be. Please, just leave me be, I thought.

"Watch it, Mudblood", he sneers at me. He walks away, trying to hide that I had ran into his figure pretty hard. I hope he gets a bruise.

I exhale after he's gone. When he says Mudblood, it doesn't bother me that much any more. I know that he will never have true friends like I do. Harry and Ron. My boys. I walk up the stairs to the library. On the moving stairs I meet Harry and Ron.

"Hermione, where are you going, it's dinner soon?" Ron asked, smiling. Harry has he brows knitted tight together, his look stressful.

"Um, the library." Ron just shakes his head. "See you!"

"See you!"

He was probably going to sit with Lavender. They are disgusting to sit next to. All the lovey-dovey thing is just sickening. They feed each other and smooch right there at the table. I'm happy for Ron that he is happy. But still… I think he would be better without that annoying little brat.

I work my way up the stairs. They seem to be never ending. I get up to the library. It's so silent right now. I walk around the corridors in the library, restlessly walking around. Time flew right by me, and I didn't really care. I illuminated a candle to fly around me while I was searching for a new book. Some books I picked up and re-read a chapter or two, smiling at the action, or perhaps the characters' comments on awkward situations.

I heard a series of pads against the floor. I look around, and feel a rush of dizziness. Hmm, I must be hearing things. I shake my head, a small laugh escaping my lips. But there it is again. I walk around the corner, my eye catching a book I haven't read in a long time. The sound of someone breathing is close. I sneak closer, wand ready to attack whoever is sneaking up on me. My eyes catch the colours of grey and blue trapped in a couple of eyes, which I seem to know.

"Hermione!" Madame Pinces voice distracts me for just one moment, and when I look back, searching for those… well lonely eyes, but they were gone. What the hell? I want to look for those eyes, even though I sense danger. My pulse is high, I can feel it's beating in my chest and other places like my throat. There's cold sweat on my forehead. My breathing is high, inhaling and exhaling too fast for my normal breathing. I want to calm down, but I don't think I can. I try to shake it off. As if it's nothing. But still… The eyes frightened me, yet I felt captivated by it. I gather my stuff and get up to supper. The time spent at supper were useless. The food was fine and all, tomato-soup, but I didn't feel satified. I gathered my belongings and headed for the common room. When the portrait swung past me I was greeted by the coldness of the room. The room's temperature matched my mood. Cold and stiff. I shrug and drop my schoolbag in one of the red couches. It falls down with a flump, and bounces weakly. I light up the fireplace the muggle-way. Exhausted after starting the fire, I almost collapse down in the couch. Paintings around me wave politely. Usually I wave back, but right now I just don't got the strength to it. I close my eyes. My mind starts wandering to those grey eyes. I hear something, but I don't quite take note of it. But there it was again, and this time I couldn't help but register the slow padding of… paws?

I moan and move my hand slightly towards my wand. The padding stopped. Waiting, but moving. In a second I got up and several things happened. I got dizzy from the rush of blood to my head, while my mind must be playing me a trick. At first I saw a bit shabby, black dog with those exact eyes, that I had seen in the library. Then there were a big, black blur around the dog before it transformed into a recognizable human that I knew.

"Siri-". I try to exclaim his name in sudden excitement, but he puts a hand on my mouth. He hushed at me. I sit down in the couch, trying to be as silent as possible while questions churned in my head. Why is he here? And why is he contacting me and not Harry? Or has he already contacted him?

"Hermione", his low, husky voice whispers my name. "I need you to me a favour." A favour? I look at him, as he smile down at me and takes place in the sofa next to me. When he smiles he doesn't look that old. How old is he? 36-37 years old perhaps. About 20 years older than me. But the thought of his age didn't stop me from stealing glances at his looks.

"So…", I say hesitantly in the awkward silence after his wish for me to do him a favour. "What's the favour?" I unconsciously smooth my hair, trying to make it look less messy and straighten the crevices in my shirt.

"Hermione, he have an insider who's been leaking information to the enemy. Two days ago at Grimmauld Place no. 12, a couple of The Order, including myself, were attacked. Our Secret Keeper has leaked some information, and I can't go back there now." I looked at him with more interest than usual. It was nothing really, it's just the way his grey eyes shine when he talks. "For the past two days I've been living at the Shrieking Shack. I have no company, and I was about to bite my own leg of bare boredom. I have no food, so I've been starving. And…" he hesitated, his eyes looking away from mine. He looked up again and gulped. "It's cold."

"Cold? Well, can't you use magic to start the fire place?"

He looked down again, cold sweat making beats on his forehead. He rose, slowly taking off his muster coloured jacket. Then ever so slowly his shirt. At first I could only gaze at the incredible, marvellous body he had beneath his shabby clothing. The perfect abs, the beautifully toned over body. But there was something wrong. In his left side of his over body, veins were almost painted and a big gush were scratched in his skin. I gasped and got up to have a better look at it. When I touched the area he winced.

"When I were fighting my way out of Grimmauld Place, I got a hex hammered in my torso. I've tried to mend it, but it seems like it won't heal. But also the reason why it's cold in the Shrieking Shack is, that I can't even perform a proper spell anymore. It's hard enough to transform into my Animagus. It's like my magic doesn't work anymore", he said in a sad voice.

I looked up from the hexed area of his chest to meet those eyes. "What do you need help with?" He smiled as he put on, unfortunately, his clothes on.

"I need someone to tend to me."

"Well, why can't it be, Harry?" I can't see why I have to be his maid and tend to him as he so fine formulates it.

"Because last time I was in contact with The Order they gave me explicit orders, that I must not worry him at all. And besides, Ron's too clumsy to take care of me."

"Hey! Ron's not clum-" he cut me off again my hushing.

We sat in silence.

"Someone's coming." My eyes widened in fear. If someone found Sirius here and alive, there sure would be hell to pay. The official story was that Sirius was dead, consumed by some ancient veil in the Department of Mysteries. He had said that too many was after him, and that it would be best if he went into exile. Or, that was just until some Death Eater had hexed him square in the chest. Now the Death Eaters knew he was alive.

Sirius quickly stood up. "To the Boy's Dormitory, go!", he whispered, fear colouring his voice. I quickly ran to the right side where the stairs for the boy's dormitory were. Please, let it be girls, I prayed as I heard students climbing in through the painting. There were not much space here, 'cause I could smell Sirius. Not that he smelled bad or anything. A bit like sweat and resin. The voices in the Common Room got closer. Sirius pushed my body against the wall, protectively leaning his arms against the wall and pinning me to it. He looked through the doorway to have a glance at the students gender. I couldn't see a thing, only the firm body of Sirius Black. Did he have to stand so close to me? He looked at me, his grey eye even darker here, where there were no light. Girls, he mouthed. I nodded. Suddenly I recognized one of the voices. Lavender and another girl from Gryffindor.

"I'm telling you, she's such a bint! Always the know-it-all, with her bushy hair and a stick in her arse. I mean, she's not that intelligent. I don't get why my Ron-Ron wants to hang out with her." I clenched my hands in anger and was just about to talk back to her, when Sirius covered my mouth with his hand again, sending me a warning glance. I shot a glare right back at him. How dare he?

"She thinks she's so smart, and pretend like she doesn't want to be friends with a girl like me." The footsteps slowly disappeared as the two girls went up into the Girl's Dormitory, Lavender babbling on about how obnoxious I am. As soon as I could, I frustrated pushed Sirius away from me, not caring about the hex-wound.

I stare at the stairs to the Girl's Dormitory. So this is what she really thinks about me… Not that I really care, I think she's kind of a bint herself.

"Hermione, I have to go, I can't have more students barging in. Can I count on you?"

I snap my head around and hisses between my teeth: "Yes. Go. Now!" He looks at me dismayed and leaves. I am so glad right now that I'm not friends with Lavender; she's more obnoxious with her all clinging and baby talk to Ron. Even if it wasn't me she was talking about, I would've hexed her for saying anything like that about a student. I don't know why the Sorting Hat saw her fit for Gryffindor.

I tried to pick up a book from my school bag, but suddenly lost interest in it. Too many damn thoughts! I sighed heavily, packed my bag and headed for my room. I fell into bed, not even bothering taking of my clothes.

I rolled onto my stomach clutching my pillow tight to my chin. Sirius. Thoughts from earlier today came back. Yes, this was indeed acting weird towards me. And again: Only me. The word about Sirius was already spreading. Lavender had mentioned that he was seen near Hogsmeade two days ago. Thoughts churning heavily in my head, I fell asleep.

I dreamt that night. I dreamt of a big dog with grey eyes. That's all I can remember before things get a little blurry.

I got up in the morning early, after gong very early to bed. Not even my roomies were in my room when I fell asleep.

I walked past the Room of Requirement three times. I really need a bath, I really need a bath, I really need a bath. A door appeared in the wall, and I opened it, its hinges creaking lightly. I stepped into a luxurious bathroom. Those bathrooms my parents only could dream of affording. Clean lines with rose petals and red, soft towels. Hundreds of bathing oils. I chose peppermint today. I wanted to smell fresh. I looked at the big clock. I could easily spend a hour out here.

I undressed and looked at myself in the mirror. A little too thin lately, but that was probably because of the stress of preparing for the big battle. I'm not that tall, so my legs aren't long, but I think my legs are still beautiful. Smooth as silk. I look at my head. Thick, brown hair with some honey-strands in between. Curvy, pink lips. Cheeks that are becoming more prominent as years go by. Firm shoulders. Breasts in a perfect curve. I think my breast are nice, but I don't go and flash them around like Lavender. I like to have big cotton sweaters on. Soft skin on my stomach. Broad hips, a little too broad for my taste. And then the smooth legs. I strip my remaining clothes off. Jumps into bath with a squeal, because the Room of Requirement is sound-proof. Meanwhile I put a spell on my clothes so that my underwear and school uniform gets clean again after a whole night of sweating. The bath is cut into the ground, like the Prefects'. I pour a lot of the peppermint oil into the shower. I lean back and let myself relax. I close my eyes, welcoming the silence of my mind. Not even a single thought. Just… No. It can't be. Not here - not in my sacred bathtub!

A picture of Sirius' over body.

I grunt and let my hand hit the water so it splashes over the towels. I groan frustrated as I try a spell for drying things. I get up and get dressed.

I get up and leave for the Great Hall. I was the only one here, so early in the morning. I sink together, holding my head. A headache was sneaking up on me. Great, and I don't have any painkillers. There was pumpkin juice and omelettes for breakfast. I ate quickly and then ran for the library. I wandered through the big shelves with books. The memory of Sirius' eyes constantly haunting me. I found a new book before I headed for class, Ancient Runes. Then Transfiguration, Defence Against the Dark Arts, double class, and then a dreadfully long hour with Professor Binns in History of Magic.

When I got off, I headed for the Shrieking Shack. But not before I had gathered some stuff. A few blankets, a couple of books for Sirius to read in, a couple of books for myself on how to heal complicated wounds and some food that I will try to transform. When I packed my backpack it was bulging in and out of all the stuff that I would bring to Sirius. I walked up to the Whomping Willow and pressed at the little button, so that it wouldn't hit me. I walked in the dark undergrounds, hearing my footstep's silent pace. When I got there I called out: "Sirius? Sirius?" No answer. Just complete silence. Something was wrong here. I hurried up the stairs to the bedroom I thought he might be in. There he was, splayed over the bed.

"Sirius!" I scream from the top of my lungs. It can't be… he's not dead, he can't be. He starts to rustle around, and I give a relieving sigh out. He yawns and asks: "What took you so long? I've been sleeping half the bloody day away." I grabbed a pillow and hit him.

"How dare you? How dare you? I've been having a long in school and you asks me what's been taking so long?" He looks at me, eyes almost glinting. No, that can be. It was probably just the light in here. Even though it's very dim-lighted. In my pillow-tossing act a strand of my hair got loose from the messy bun I had made today. I combed it behind my ear with my fingers, eyes unfocused. I didn't know where to glance when he was around. I throw the pillow at him, just to make him understand how mad I am. I begin to start the fire with magic. Soon, it's heat where oozing out in the room. I start using the few healing spells that I know. It doesn't work.

"I'm sorry, but this is beyond my skills." I'm really sorry, 'cause I don't want Sirius to die. He's too important to Harry. Sirius looks pale, probably because he have lost a lot of blood. He lies in the bed, his torso bare. I give him a bandage on. Trying to make the bleeding stop a little.

"I didn't think that anything was beyond your skill", he says as a blush starts creeping up my cheeks. I draw from my backpack all the food that I could muster to collect. I try to transform it into something delicious. I think it went well. I serve it for Sirius, and he eats it all like he's a dog.

"Sirius!", I scold him. "You can't eat so quick, you haven't eaten in days, you'll just get sick." He looks at me, his eyes a light grey. He eats more slowly this time, more cautious.

I spend the day with Sirius in a strained mood. I don't want to be here. It's not like I have more important stuff to do, I'm almost done at preparing for the big battle. Then I remembered the books I had for Sirius. Madam Pince surely had giving me a strange look. It usually wasn't what I was used to borrow from the library.

"Here", I say as I give him the books. He reads out loud the title of the books.

"Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches, Enchantment in Baking and… What? You brought me this?", his voice full of disbelief. "Nature's Nobility: A Wizarding Genealogy?" He throws the book though the room in a fit of anger.

"I thought that you'd be interested in it", I say dryly as I pick up the book from the floor.

"Interested in it? Hermione, I grew up with that book! Toujours pur, pffft! Just because I'm one of the only pureblood families that are left doesn't mean that I have that pureblood-mania! I thought you knew me better than that." Was it me, or did he sound a little hurt there? Nah, it's probably just me. "I'm sorry, okay, Sirius? I know that you're not of those people with pureblood-mania, but that doesn't mean that it could be interesting to read", I say suggestively.

He looks at me in defeat, and I know that I have won the discussion. "But", oh he just got to have the last word, doesn't he? "I don't like to read. So it doesn't matter." I scowl at him.

"Yes, it might well be that you don't like to read, but else would you spend your time on?"

In my mind, just for the tiniest second, I saw the two of us laying in the bed, smooching. Ugh, how disgusting! Out of my head, out of my head, out of my head!

"I don't know."

I hiss irritated.

"Books are for stupid people, who tries to be smarter." Was that just an indirect insult to me?

I gather my stuff and prepare for leaving.

"Hermione", he says, almost breathless, I turn around to see him suddenly standing up. I wait expectantly.

"You will come back tomorrow, won't you?"

I nod quickly, not even sure if he saw it, and rush out.

It was getting darker. The ground was soaked in moist, making my shoes wet and a splashing noise for every time I set my foot down.

I worked my way up the hills, and in my mind greeted Hogwarts. I walked through the Entrance Hall and turned right, going through the Great Hall, just in time for supper. But I didn't eat. I couldn't. Too many thoughts. Harry and Ron were eating one plate after the other. If they went into an All-You-Can-Eat-buffet, the buffet would have to close down.

I sat up all night in the library, writing an essay for Charms. I then headed for my bed, being exhausted. This night I stripped down to my underwear. I observed it closely; a moderate bra, and normal, black knickers. Nothing special. Or sexy. I crawl into bed, shivering slightly. I dream again about the dog.

The dog is here in my room. It growls and sneers at me. I can feel the beating in my heart beating hard. I get out of my room while it's hunting me through Hogwarts and out to the Shrieking Shack, feeling the heat in my body almost pulsate. I am trapped. I stare at its eyes. A winter storm grey. This is it. I'm going to die now, I know it. Will it be over quick? Will it hurt much as he tears me apart with his paws and teeth?

It gets closer to me. I step backwards. Weirdly excited.

Then I wake up. It's still early, so I decide to take a shower. I walk past the Room of Requirement and repeat to myself the mantra I really need a shower three times. The door appears and I walk in.

I did my usual morning routine and headed for class. The day flew right by me, and now I had to go and take of Sirius, still with the fresh fragrance of peppermint following me.

I had searched through The Healer's Helpmate at least a hundred times. Nothing! Not even the tiniest hint of where to look for reagents, what to brew, which spell would be best for curing this wound that seemed to be getting worse by the hour. Days went by, the same routine, over and over everyday. Like a time-loop. Getting up, take a shower, eating breakfast, go the library perhaps, having classes, going to The Shrieking Shack and use endless time and energy to find a cure for Sirius. Ron and Harry were worried, after having seeing her in a while.

"Oh, it's just the exams I'm studying for." I pulled stressfully a hand through my untidy hair. "And you should do the same!" That was the first lie of many I would tell them about what I do after school.

It had been a month, and every day I would go to The Shrieking Shack. On my way, I contemplated over how lonely I feel. Even more after I had to take care of Sirius. I hadn't exactly been socialising a lot. Perhaps it was just because it was winter, but still… When I got inside the house, all I heard were wooden chairs being hammered and smashed against the walls.

"Sirius! What are you doing?" He looked at me, but his face showed no signs of recognition. He looks… wild as he stands there, heavy breathing, arms hanging, every muscle flexing under his skin. I sat my backpack slowly at the door. I couldn't help but stand awkwardly. I felt sorry for him, because his every feature held so much pain. I couldn't hug him, 'cause we are not that close friends. But the look on his face…

"Your wound!", I exclaim, running over to him. He looked a bit startled at my closeness. Pus was oozing out of the wound along with blood. The wound had been ripped open. Probably because he had stretched his skin from breaking chairs. I did the spell that I use every day several times, just to make the wound stop oozing so much.

"Next time you want to smash chairs, you have to make sure you are.." I looked up at him, and then quickly down to his wound again. I blush started creeping up my cheeks, feeling as hot as fire. I babble on about the wound and which spells I think would be the best. I also talk about the Muggle-way of handling sickness. I say that if we don't look out, he might be blood-poisoned. The reason of my babbling was that he had looked at me in a special way. I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Tender, perhaps? I ordered Sirius to go to bed, and wait for supper.

But supper wasn't the first thing that I would do. Since I had to come here, and Sirius had to live here - not that it mattered, I couldn't deal with the way this house was kept. Spider webs all over the place, grey walls, and dust all around me. It was more worse than Grimmauld Place number twelve - which I had cleaned only a year ago. How ironic that I was cleaning up for Sirius Black again.

I used my wand to do a spider-spell. It would command all the spiders in the house to go out and breed elsewhere. It was nothing like the Imperio Curse. The Imperio was vile. This spell was egging the spiders to leave the house. I decided that the house would be more nice to live in if it had some other colours. I chose a greyish-blue. Soon the colour would be dry. In one of my holydays at Ron's, Molly Weasley had borrowed me a book, because I had ran out of books to read, that at least every house mother witch had. But right now I can't remember the spell for sweeping floors, so I just had to do it manually. All the while Sirius was starring at me. I began to make soup, the Muggle-way. It was easy to make and warm. While the soup was boiling, I started repairing the fabric on the chairs and sofa after it had been worn down. Changing the colours from time to another. Dark, light, warm and cold colours. The chairs was black, including the ones Sirius had broken. Dark, scarlet red, giving the room some warmth. Forest green blankets. And some of the laces was even becoming an off-white colour. I feel satisfied at my work, but the stares I could feel on my back from Sirius makes me irritated. I then started to write on my thesis for Potions to Professor Slughorn.

"Hermione?"

"What?", I sigh heavily.

"Um, the soup…" I looked over to the cauldron where to soup was boiling.

"No!" Sirius started to laugh a little at my fuss for saving our supper. I scowled a little at him. Then I turn my face away from him, hiding a little smile. That day I stayed a little longer. Sirius was in the master bed, reading one of the books that I had brought.

"What are you reading?"

"Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Piss Hermione Granger Off", he replies with a smirk.

I slam my own book shut with a: "Do you have to be rude all the time?" Weirdly enough, my voice sounds strained and hurt. I don't want this. I don't want to be around him.

"I'm not rude!" He looks at me as I prepare for leaving. "I'm charming", he says in a lower voice.

"Hermione…"

I didn't want to listen.

"Hermione."

I grabbed my stuff and walked out the door.

"Hermione!"

I run down the stairs, tears brimming in my eyes.

How could he be so cruel?

Days went by, weeks went by. I visited him every day. We small chatted, but I actually didn't want to talk to him. One day, a Thursday, in December Sirius asked me to do him a big favour.

"Please stay here over the holidays."

"What?"

"Well, I can't go anywhere. Not even home to Molly and Arthur Weasley. It's too big a risk yet, and I don't want to put them in danger."

But you don't mind putting me in danger?

I hadn't told Harry a thing. I could feel that he wanted to make everything good for me, and once he confronted me, asked me about whatever problem I might have, I could always come to him. I told him that he should worry more about Ginny, winking at him. I was glad for his concern. But only in a sister-way, nothing more. Coming to think of it, I hadn't really experienced any love lately. Not that I minded. Love doesn't give you the same comfort as a warm blanket. No matter what, you always fear that love will be ripped away from you.

I wasn't searching for love. But somebody else did, apparently. I hadn't seen it coming. I just thought he wanted to talk.

Ron had recently broken up with Lavender Brown. And after that, I couldn't help but notice his glances. I couldn't help but feel a little uncomfortable.

I met him at the stairs to the Astronomy Tower.

I can recall how he was fidgeting, even with his words.

"Um, hi, 'Mione."

"Hi", I said, a bit cold.

"Hermione there's something I want to talk to you about."

"Yeah?" I waited, anticipating something about Harry or Death Eaters, or even perhaps something about Sirius.

He stepped closer to me, a little uncomfortable actually.

"I like you", he breathed before leaning in and kissed me.

I pushed him back with my hands, whipping my mouth dry.

"Ron, what are you doing?"

"Hermione, I like you. I just wanted to kiss you, that's all. I thought you liked me, too, you know?"

"No, Ron. I don't like you that way. And never can, please understand that." I hurried up the stairs and hoped that he would be gone when I would walk down the stairs again. While I packed my backpack, I couldn't help but feeling guilty. A big, huge wave of guilt was about to drown me, and all I could think of while I packed my bag was Sirius. I didn't owe him anything… It's not like I like him or something. Right? I mean, he's about twenty years older than me! But, I thought as I headed towards the Shrieking Shack, he doesn't look like a man at 35-36. I mean he's quite muscular, and is in form. Well, he did look 36 when he didn't smile, or there weren't that boyish glint in his eye. But I guess that's what twelve years in Azkaban does to you.

"Why are you staring at me like that?" I hadn't realized that while I was reliving today's episode, I had stared at Sirius.

I shrugged. "Oh, I just thought of how you look."

He grinned. Oh, it wasn't suppose to come out like that. I added, perhaps a little too late to save face: "I mean, you look totally gob smacked when you read."

"Is that so?" Grin was still getting wider.

"Yes", I reply shortly and a little flushed.

"Well, then it's good that I'm done reading. Not that the book could give me any more information then I already knew. Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches" Oh, how cocky he is.

"If there were an edition for girls, I would gladly give you a copy." I snap my head up.

"For your information, I can take care of my own love life." He looks doubtingly at me. Is that so? his features mocked me.

"Actually, I was kissed today. By a boy, actually", I said nonchalant, digging my own grave. He frowned.

"I don't want to hear about it."

Yeah, probably because you aren't getting anything.

But inside, even though I would never admit, end especially not to him, I couldn't help but thinking, and hoping, that he was a bit jealous and wanted to molest whoever had kissed me. It was a very peculiar thought. That night, I almost didn't sleep. All I could think about was Sirius. How his laugh or smirk, or even more his eyes, made a surge through my stomach, even now just thinking of him, how my knees had buckled once I touched his hand, handing him something. I started thinking back. Mostly why I felt guilt when Ron had kissed me, and why I in the same situation had thought of Sirius. I fell asleep confused.

Then it came, the dream. The dog, like every other night I dreamt, hunted me all the way to the Shrieking Shack. But this time I dreamt something new. Just when the dog started to get blurry, it transformed into Sirius. He got even closer to me, my heart pumping, almost combusting. He leans in and kisses me tenderly, and I kiss him back. I wake up, eyes wide, emotions filling me up.

Oh, no. God, no! I'm… I'm in love with…I can't even complete my train of thought as tears spill over my cheeks in the early morning.

The next day, most of the students headed for their homes. For me, I headed for the Shrieking Shack. Yeah, Christmas in the Shrieking Shack. I would not exactly say that I was enthusiastic about it. Especially after this morning's realization. I had already packed, bringing all my presents from my mom and dad, my friends and the Weasleys. I brought two packages, because Molly and Arthur knew about the arrangement I had with Sirius, them being involved in The Order and everything, one for me and one for him. I had told Harry, who would later share the information with Ron, that I was going to stay at Hogwarts for the holydays. I really didn't want to talk to Ron yet, so I had told Harry last minute before he left that I couldn't find Ron.

It smelled like burning fir. Sirius had decorated the room for Christmas. His wound had almost healed. I had found some brew, that he should drink everyday, and it seemed like it would only be a scar soon. The vein weren't so protruding anymore, and there weren't gashing out anymore pus or blood. It was only a small wound now. His magic had approved according to the healing. He was washed and newly shaved, and sat there in the bed in black jeans, dark blue shirt and a jacket in brown, reading Nature's Nobility: A Wizarding Genealogy. He looked up from the book, a frown cutting into his else beautiful features. I smoothened out when he looked at me. I was wearing a dress in a dark green colour. V-cut and knee-high, and I'm even wearing high heels! I felt a bit embarrassed and flushed, not to mention stupid. Should have thought of that I was spending this Christmas with a man, who looked devilish handsome.

I didn't greet him, just unpacked.

He talked to me, and I felt a surge in my stomach. "I've made supper."

"Yeah." Oh, come on, Hermione, how lame is that? "And you've started the fireplace", the fireplace responded by cracking a bit.

Realization dawned on me: He doesn't need me anymore. Sad at heart, I sat down at the table while he was serving me, like a true gentleman.

We had supper in silence. And I couldn't understand why. Usually I could talk to him about anything while throwing jibes at him. But now there just was utterly silence. It was absolute, and it made me feel even more alone. He poured some wine for me, which I took a few swigs of. It was Christmas after all.

When we were done, we sat down in the bed and opened our Christmas presents. Which actually were more my Christmas presents than our. When I had opened all mine, I got up, hoping Sirius hadn't noticed the blush on my cheek. I reached down my backpack, finding the item I wanted and handled it to Sirius.

"You brought me a Christmas present?" I nodded, trying to analyse everything about him. Was his voice hard, was he pleased?

He unwrapped the gift and smiled. It was a bouquet.

"I thought that after all those years in Azkaban you would like to look at something living", I tried to explain. Also to get the stupid, fluttering feelings at bay.

"I have something for you too."

Inside my head I scream: Fight these bloody stupid feelings, Hermione! You were never even friends! You hate him, you hate him!

I guess my face was a little stiff when I unwrapped the tiny, little gift. Inside the present was his family ring. It had a stone that matched his eye colour with a silver band.

"What's this?", I say in hoarse, raspy voice, examining the ring intensely. Trying to pay as little attention to him as possible.

"A promise."

He leaned and kissed me butterfly-light on my mouth, touching me lightly on my shoulder. So careful he is. I kiss him back, but then withdraws.

"What are you doing?" My tears are about to fall. This couldn't be happening. I stand up, looking away from him, but couldn't help but know where he was, right behind me. I turn around and look into his eyes, seeing the rage burning in them.

"I can't take it any more! I'm mesmerised by your mere presence, the peppermint fragrance around you. Your bushy hair, and dark eyes. Your cunningness. Your arrogance. Your smile. Your shyness. Your rage. Your intelligence. Your bossy voice. Your strong-mindedness. Your caring. You!"

He kicked a chair and pulled in his hair like a madman. He turned around, locking his gaze with mine.

"I'm in love with you", he almost whispers.

"I thought… I thought you hated me." My voice is strained and have the hint of confusion. He looks up, his eyes blank. The colour of them a darker grey than usual. Almost…fathomless.

I hate him.

He hates me.

"You don't hate me?"

"No, Hermione, not at all. Not at all."

Silence. A question is trying to get out of me.

"What's the promise about?" He looked into my eyes, so sincere, it stabs my heart.

"Eternal love."

Tears are brimming over. I cry, and he pulls me into an embrace. He holds me until I stop crying. I pull my head away from the chest that I've been trying to mend for three whole months and look up at him.

He leans down and kisses me and I kiss him back. Arms embracing him, holding him tighter and tighter. He lets his hands trail down my sides, up around the curve of my breast. A fire is about to consume me. It grows more and more ferocious, consuming.

He pulls me to the bed. I sit down with him. His hands search for something between the duvets. He slips the silver band with the grey-blue coloured stone on my ring finger.

The colour of his eyes.