Oh man, this oneshot is so weird. If you're feeling slightly sketchy about this because it talks about you know, that time of the month, it's just a crack fic so nothing explicit (ew).
Kagura woke up to an unusual wet sensation. What made it unusual today was that the feeling wasn't because of her (horrendous drooling) Sadaharu licking her face, but instead coming from her... nether regions.
Blearily sitting up and rubbing her eyes, she felt confused. It had been years since Kagura peed in her sleep.
Maybe I was dreaming of peeing, she thought to herself, but recalled that she dreamed of a gigantic piece of sukonbu being blown apart by a Neo Armstrong Cyclone Jet Armstrong Cannon, while Gin-chan ran around screaming before accidentally stepping on Shinpachi('s glasses).
Getting up she quietly made her way to the bathroom. Shinpachi would make a big deal about it, but Kagura decided she could live with the embarrassment. It wasn't like she was going to wash the bed sheets.
As she slid the bathroom door close a flash of colour caught her attention in the mirror. Was that... a red stain at the crotch of her pants? She rubbed her eyes and squinted at the mirror again. What the... it certainly wasn't spaghetti sauce. All they were having for the past few days was eggs and rice.
"Am I... AM I PREGNANT?" Kagura cried to herself, pacing back and forth in the tiny bathroom. Was she the new Mary? A pregnant virgin? She wasn't ready to have a baby, let alone JESUS. Unless... UNLESS SHE WASN'T VIRGIN. But Kagura was pretty sure she would remember a man's ******** in her ********* and ***************************. Oh god. Was it tabasco sauce? Was that stupid tax-robbing sadist pranking her? No way she wouldn't notice him pouring tabasco sauce into her pants. That was just wrong. It didn't smell like tabasco sauce either. Her Yato senses were telling her that it was blood. DID SOMEBODY STAB HER? But that didn't make any sense, nothing hurt down there. The only conclusion was that she had a disease. A peeing-blood disease. OH MY GOD SHE WAS GOING TO DIE. There was NO way she would die before Gin-chan. She still had so much to do like defeating that irritating sadist, fixing her stupid Aniki and eating all the rice and sukonbu in the world.
"Calm down Kagura. Kagura can go ask Gin-chan what's going on, because Gin-chan has the answer to everything." Oh god, the disease was starting to make her talk in third person like a certain stupid cow in another anime show.
"GIN-CHAAAN!" Kagura screamed as she knocked down his door in one kick, landing in a heap before him.
"Oi Oi you stupid brat, you know the drill. When Gin-chan comes staggering home at midnight with a handprint on his face, Gin-chan doesn't wake up for lunch the next day."
Gintoki opened one eye and warily eyed the usually energetic Yato girl. She stared back at him with dejected, soulless eyes.
"What? What is it?" His hand instantly found the bokuto that he always kept by his side. His eyes quickly did a sweep of the room but he couldn't sense anybody else in the house.
"Gin-chan..." Kagura whimpered, looked down with her bangs casting a shadow over her eyes. Her head snapped up and with a hysteric look in her eyes, she grabbed him by the shoulders and screamed in his face.
"GIN-CHAN, I WOKE UP THIS MORNING BECAUSE I PEED MY PANTS EXCEPT IT WASN'T PEE 'CAUSE IT WAS RED AND I'M NOT READY TO HAVE JESUS AND ITS NOT TABASCO SAUCE, BUT NOBODY STABBED ME WITH A NEO ARMSTRONG CYCLONE JET ARMSTRONG CANNON SO I THINK I'M DYING."
"Wuh... Jesus... tabasco sauce... cyclone jet armstrong cannon... your dying?" Gin mumbled, thoroughly confused and shaken (physically and mentally) by Kagura. "Did you have a nightmare?"
"NO! DID YOU NOT HEAR ANYTHING I JUST SAID?"
Gin cringed at her loudness and picked his ear with his pinky finger.
"What's the problem Kagura? This time, about 10 times quieter. Gin-chan has a hangover."
"Gin-chan, I think I'm peeing blood." She deadpanned.
"...Come again?"
"I'm peeing blood."
"A-ahaha, for a moment there I thought you said that you're peeing blood Kagura-chan."
"I did say that Gin-chan. Why am I peeing blood?"
OH GOD. Gin stared at the girl in horror. Never once did he see this coming. There was no warning at all, he should've knew this day would come. She was messing with him right? Girls her age should have had it ages ago right? Yes, Kagura was definitely messing with him. No way she would expect him to explain it to her... RIGHT?
"K-Kagura, are you sure you have no idea what's happening to you?"
"No idea at all! Why? Is it bad? Am I dying? I'M DYING AREN'T I?" What's with with that weird look on his face? Kagura thought. Is it contagious? Is that why Gin-chan is scrambling across the room away from me?
"G..Gin-chan, do you have it to? Is the disease contagious? Are we going to die?"
"N-NO! I don't have it! And it's not a disease!" Gin screamed as she came closer to him, paling with each passing second. "It's... a thing that happens to girls only."
Kagura was even more confused than earlier.
"What? Why does the thing only happen to girl's? Is it sexist?"
"I-it's not sexist. It can't be sexist because it doesn't have an opinion or anything. Only girls have it because only girl's can have... babies."
Kagura was starting to pale too.
"Babies? BABIES? I'm PREGNANT? BUT I'M NOT READY TO HAVE JESUS!"
"NO YOU'RE NOT PREGNANT YOU STUPID BRAT! DO I REALLY NEED TO SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU?"
"SPELL WHAT OUT FOR ME?!"
"Pe...d." Gin mumbled.
"Pee-what?" Kagura snapped.
"You're on your per... I- I CAN'T DO THIS!" Suddenly jumping to his feet, the once fearless demon known as the Shiroyasha knocked down the Yato girl like a bowling pin and tore his way out of the house, running away.
"Gin-chan!" Kagura shouted after him in confusion and annoyance. Perd? What the hell was perd?
Running after him, Kagura followed the tail of his white kimono into the bar downstairs.
Tama looked up her broom as Gin shot into the bar.
"Gintoki-sama, wha-"
"Old hag? OTOSE? WHERE ARE YOU WHEN I NEED YOU?! I SWEAR I'LL PAY THE RENT IF YOU WOULD JUST-"
"GIN-CHAN!"
Whipping around and seeing Kagura hot on his heels, Gin shrieked (rather girlishly) and ducked behind Tama for cover. Kagura entered the bar and glared at the silver-permed samurai.
Noticing their distress, Tama spoke up, breaking the tension between the two.
"Kagura-sama, Gintoki-sama, what's wrong?"
"GIN-CHAN KNOWS WHY I'M PEEING BLOOD BUT HE WON'T EXPLAIN."
Tama blinked. "Peeing blood? Is it your period, Kagura-sama?"
"Period? That little dot at the end of a sentence?" Kagura asked bewilderedly.
"Period- the slang for menstrual cycle. The monthly cycle of changes in the ovaries and the lining of the uterus or endometrium, starting with the preparation of an egg for fertilization. When the follicle of the prepared egg in the ovary breaks, it is released for fertilization and ovulation occurs. Unless pregnancy occurs, the cycle ends with the shedding of part of the endometrium, which is menstruation-"
"Wuh- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?" Kagura screeched, even more puzzled and flustered than before.
The quiet noise of the bar door sliding close made Kagura whirl around and see Gin escaping. An expression of absolute terror came over his face when he noticed he caught her attention. He had attempted to leave as Tama made her scientific explanation that nobody could understand.
"GET BACK HERE YOU USELESS GRAY-HAIRED BASTARD!" She screeched, tearing away after him.
"IT'S SILVER YOU STUPID BRAAAT!" Gin screamed back over his shoulder sprinting for his life.
Tama blinked again, and slowly smiled before going back to her sweeping.
Gintoki teared through Kabukicho, not daring to look over his shoulder at the hormonal alien girl that hurtled after him. Screw it. He turned his head slightly and saw a demonic scowl on Kagura's face. She raised her umbrella and let out a war cry.
Screaming shamelessly now, Gin put on an extra burst of speed and looked forwards again only to-
BAM!
-have a grill of a police car slam into his side.
"OIIIIII YOU IDIOT! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING RUNNING OUT INTO THE MIDDLE OF TRAF- oh. It's you." Hijikata Toshiro finished dryly. He rolled his window back up impassively.
"Yo Danna," Okita Sougo called from the passenger side. "You have a little something here." He said, pointed at his forehead.
Gin staggered back to his feet using both hands on the hood of the car to get up. Blood comically trickled down a side of his face from where Sougo gestured, but he ignored it. Moving as fast as he could Gin got in the back of the car, gripping the bars that divided the front from the criminals in the back.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Hijikata snarled. "Get out!"
"Drive." Gin hissed with a slightly crazed look of dread on his face.
"What?"
"DRIVE LIKE A PMS-ING ALIEN GIRL IS CHASING AFTER YOU TO ASK FOR THE DEFINITION OF HER PERIOD-"
"GIN-CHAAN! WHAT THE HELL DOES PERIOD MEAN?! WHY AM I PEEING BLOOD?" Kagura screeched, slamming her hands down on the hood of the police car.`
Both Shinsengumi officers blanched simultaneously, and Hijikata immediately slammed his foot down on the pedal. The police car hurtled forward, sending Kagura rolling up the windshield, across the roof and then down into the dust and burnt tire marks of the petrified trio.
"GET BACK HERE YOU BASTARDS!" Kagura screeched, picking up her umbrella and adjusted her lopsided hair buns before dashing after them.
"Oh god, oh god, can't tHIS THING GO ANY FASTER SHE'S GAINING ON US!" Gin shrieked at Hijikata, shaking the man's shoulders through the car divider.
"I'M PRESSING THE PEDAL AS FAR AS IT CAN GO AND FOR GOD'S SAKE, STOP SHAKING ME YOU BASTARD, IF ANYTHING I SHOULD KICK YOU OUT OF THE CAR-"
"Don't worry Danna, I've got us covered!" Okita drawled as he pulled out a bazooka, leaned out his open window and launched a rocket at Kagura, only a few feet behind them.
Seeing the incoming missile, Kagura reflexively lifted and opened her umbrella to block the explosion. Having to stop to cover herself from the resulting airborne debris, she let out an infuriated yell.
"YOU'VE ONLY MADE THE SHE-DEMON MORE ANGRY!" Hijikata screamed at Okita.
"I slowed her down," Okita snapped back."Now we can get awAY-"
The car slammed into another body and crashed to a halt. A bespectacled boy staggered to his feet and smacked his hands down on the hood of the car.
"WHERE THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DRIVING YOU TAX-ROBBING- oh. It's you two." Shinpachi sighed. He fixed his crooked glasses and squinted through the cracked lenses. "Gin-chan? What are you doing in the back of the-"
"GET IN THE CAR GLASSES." Hijikata demanded as a familiar war-like scream was coming up in the distance.
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING GLASSES?" Shinpachi exclaimed angrily before whipping his head towards the direction of the perpetual screaming. "Is that…. Kagura running towards us? WHAT'S GOING ON-"
"JUST GET IN THE CAR MEGANE!" Gin yelled, a hysteric note of fear in his voice as he pulled Shinpachi by his collar into the car while Hijikata floored it.
"GIN-CHAN! GET BACK HERE!" Kagura wheezed, coughing through the cloud of dust they left behind. There was an aching sensation in her lower abdomen that she never felt before. Clutching her stomach, Kagura groaned. What the hell was this disease doing to her?
A sudden gust of wind blew the smell of a nearby ramen stand into Kagura's face and she suddenly felt like hurling. Since when did she ever feel nauseated by the smell of food? Why did her stomach feel like a fat man was sitting on it? And why the hell did she have such a strong craving for soft pretzels?
"That's it," Kagura hissed, using her umbrella to hobble upright. "If I'm infected with the period, I'm going to take them all down with me."
Oh man, I found this in my old drafts from ages ago and it was pretty much finished (this is a two-shot, but I've never gotten around the the second part) so I did some editing and decided to post this. I realize I haven't updated or written anything for a year on this account so, here you go to anyone who's interested.
P.S- I'm adding this after publishing because I forgot to mention, I made references to Katekyo Hitman Reborn! and also New girl just because (pretty much anything that looks out of place in the story).