Author's Note: Please Read Below If You Don't Want To Regret The Life Choices That Brought You Here Today:

Maybe some of you may know how I like reading and writing stories with deep feelings and heavy emotions slowly growing between the characters until they understand that they can't live without each other anymore and fall head over heels in love?

Well, this is not it.

This is not even nonsense… it's *more* than nonsense.

It's… I don't even know what it is!

But man… is it BAD.

I have never written something like this. Ever. It's my first attempt and probably my last. Bear with me.

In my defence I wrote this because I needed an immediate distraction. And what better distraction than something more stupid than normal stupid, and worse than normal worse?

This whole…thing (I refuse to call it a fic because the mere concept of fanfiction requires at least a semblance of effort, and no effort will be put into such thing on my part) will be in texts messages. This is also in an Alternate Universe Setting.

Gintoki's texts are in italics.

Toshiro's are underlined.

Thank you for your attention during this weird introduction.

Please use cautious when proceeding.

This story, like all my other Gintama stories is GinHijiGin or can also be considered GinHiji/HijiGin because this is simply how I see them and in my opinion realistic relationships don't set definitive roles for the people. If you are for the HijiGin exclusively I suggest you read other stories because that is not what I write.

. . .

Wrong numbers and wrong-er things to text

I bought you flowers.

They're fake, though.

Just like you.

Well, I would find that hurtful and offensive, a tad but funny too, if it was meant for me.

But I am sorry to say, or write, that you got the wrong number.

…Oh.

Oops, sorry!

It really is the wrong number.

That was meant for my best friend.

Oh.

Okay.

Yeah.

Sorry about that.

…Well, this is awkward.

It's fine. No worries.

Interesting relationship you have with your best friend.

Believe me 'interesting' doesn't even begin to cover ¼ of it.

Good for you, I guess.

Thanks, I guess.

How much does a polar bear weigh?

…That's kinda random.

How much?

Enough to break the ice.

Hi.

Okay, I had never heard that before.

Hey.

Are you impressed?

Do you want me to say yes?

Would it be bad if I do?

Be brutally honest.

Not completely.

I'd say it would only be half-bad.

Great. My long list of half-assing whatever life throws at me keeps on growing and thriving.

You should take pride in your qualities.

You're the first to call this… talent of mine a quality. My friends usually refer to it as a flaw, or even 'reason to be in prison'. One of my friends likes rhymes.

So from the bottom of my heart I have to say…

Thanks my dude.

Or dudette.

Or dude-else.

Whichever you might be.

Sorry for assuming your dude-gender.

Your first assumption is correct. My gender belongs in the 'dude' category.

Another half-assed victory for you to add onto your long and thriving list.

I'm sorry your friends consider such a high and brilliant quality a reason to be in prison (nice rhyme, by the way). They clearly have no idea what they are talking about.

Thank you, finally my true genius is being recognized.

When I receive an oscar I will include you in my speech.

And I consider my friends' qualities their 'reasons to be punched in the hunch', so I guess we're even.

What can I say? Half-asses keep haunting me.

…The double meaning of that kind of scares me.

Please do include in your speech as 'Not every stranger is a danger over the other side of a screen'.

And they say dreams do come true.

But I hope nightmares don't or you will be surrounded by half-asses tonight.

I'm already working on the first lines. I will open with: Ladies and Gentlemen and the Dude over the other side of a screen who once complimented my half-ass genius.'

And that would be one of my worst nightmares.

Or should I say one of my worst half-nightmarasses.

I see your half-assing attempts in life at turning everything into a half-ass continue.

You are the one who said I should consider this my quality. And qualities should make you proud, right?

I regret that now.

I should really stop giving people advice.

It always ends with naked men, a bazooka and the police.

Must be an interesting life you have.

If only you knew the ¼ of it.

When you say 'interesting' are you referring to the naked men, the bazooka or the police?

Naked men and police mostly, both sound tempting.

It is nice to know someone appreciates my daily life.

Thank you person of unspecified genduder.

See what I did there?

I saw.

Nice.

I'm a dude too, by the way.

Hello dude.

Hello right back at you dude.

We are both dudes and we both breathe oxygen.

Can you see how much we have in common already?

I would have never thought in a million years I would have so much in common with a person on the other end of a phone.

Surely this must be destiny.

Speaking of destiny, is this one of those movie scenarios where two people who have never met but only talked over a screen actually live in the same place and find out we have been passing each other by for years but never noticed until a faithful encounter one day changes their lives forever?

Could certainly be a possibility.

How can we even know the many ways in which destiny works?

But we can find out. Where do you live?

My parents live in Ohio

But I live in the moment.

…

After that I am afraid I have to cut your moment in half.

Just like the half-asses invading your nightmares tonight.

It's not my fault. The witch of half-asses has bestowed a curse upon me.

How will I ever be able to go on with my nights from now on?

You should kiss a princess to lift the curse.

In that case…

Are you willing to be my princess? ;)

How much will you pay me if I accept?

Oooh, money-hungry.

I like it.

I consider it more as an investment of sorts.

What are you investing in?

I just recently opened a new bank account and called it: becoming a witch that curses dudes who live in the moment with nightmares full of half-asses ;)

…Damn.

So strangers can really be dangers over the other side of a screen.

And I think I just fell for you.

Whole-Assedly.

. . .

A/N: If anyone wants to know who Gintoki's first three texts were supposed to go to, the answer is… obviously Shinsuke.

I'd like to apologize to humanity and non-humanity for this weird… thing.

But am I going to continue?

Ya bet your sweet macarons I am.

You heard it here first, folks, from now on it's only gonna get worse. And when I say worse I mean… *worse*.