A/N: I was listening to I hate u, I love u by Gnash and Olivia O'Brien and this idea came to me. So, here it is and please enjoy. Let me know if you like it. Not beta read.
Feeling used, but I'm still missing you, and I can't see the end of this,
Just wanna feel your kiss, against my lips,
And now all this time, is passing by, but I still can't seem to tell you why,
It hurts me every time I see you, realize how much I need you,
I hate you, I love you, I hate that I love you, don't want to but I can't put nobody else above you,
DPOV
Making his way through the dark halls of the theater, Diego finds his way to one of the balcony seats. The area is in near complete darkness since only the area near the stage is lit up for the orchestra's practice. He was on his way to meet with a contact when he saw her slip in through the side door.
He hasn't seen her in a while, years really, if one doesn't count these sightings. More accurately, he hasn't talked to her in years. Not really. He was so angry when the book came out. So hurt, but anger is easier, especially for him. Anger has always been easier for him. Anger for his childhood that never existed, anger for his dad that isn't really his dad, anger for siblings that all disappeared, one by one, some literally, some figuratively. He has anger at himself for failing, for trying in the first place, for wanting, and needing, and avoiding.
Sometimes, he finds himself slipping into her apartment when all the lights are out and the street is dark. Sometimes, she's there, laying in her bed or on her couch, breathing softly with restless sleep. If she's in her living room, he'll mostly stay out on the fire escape, taking only a moment to be sure that her doors and windows are locked. If she's in bed, he'll sit on her couch, maybe take a moment to rest from his nightly patrol, letting her easy breathing and constant movement against the sheets lull him into a light doze.
Now, he sits in the balcony, the sheaths of his many knives covering their silver glint when a stray sliver of light makes its way in his direction. It's a pretty rare occasion, seeing as they only have one light that rotates and it does so very slowly. He's not even sure why they have that light except that maybe it's one more thing the director or whatever uses to distract anyone that doesn't belong there from playing their instrument.
It never works on her.
He wants to close his eyes as he listens to her, his familiarity with her and his own Academy training allowing him to pinpoint her notes with a scary kind of accuracy. He doesn't close his eyes, though, since he's not even supposed to be in here and he's unwilling to get caught by anyone, especially her.
Hating that he feels this need to always know where she's at, if she's okay, what she's doing, he clenches his fists as his posture goes rigid. He doesn't want this. Doesn't want to have to keep track of her as if she's not an adult who left all of them behind a long time ago, him perhaps a little more recently than the others, even though even that feels like a lifetime ago.
Everything with him and her feels like a lifetime ago. Somehow. It feels like they've lived multiple lifetimes together, ended in so many ways that he can feel the cut of each of them in ways that no one should feel. He's wondered, on multiple occasions, if that is somehow the power that Sir Reginald says she doesn't have. Maybe she makes people feel it when she cuts herself from their lives, when she cuts them loose.
Because, despite them all pretending, despite the way they treated her for her whole life, each and every one of them felt it when she cut them off. Clipped them away as easily as taking a pair of scissors to their family portrait. Maybe it was the loss of Five followed by Ben that made it worse, maybe they'd all lost too much. Or maybe that was her power.
With her, she took her music and any semblance of joy or passion or even melancholy that permeated the house. There was no more music, not even Luther's records.
So, Diego comes here, sometimes. Sneaking in to hide in the balcony seats as he listens to her play, the other instruments barely a white noise compared to her.
The song comes to an end and he melts backwards into the fading darkness as the main lights come on and light, honey colored eyes slide open and up to where he'd been standing moments before. His gut clenches along with his heart as that familiar pain of rejection prickles through his body like tiny pinpricks of icy fire.
And with that feeling, he turns and leaves, his fists clenched tightly once more as he stalks outside, slamming open the door of the theater and startling two people walking by. His dark gaze and lowered brows cause them to look away quickly as his lip lifts in a silent snarl. He won't make his meeting today. He needs a drink.
2x7
I hate you, I love you, I hate that I love you, don't want to but I can't put nobody else above you,
I hate you, I love you, I hate that I want you,
You want her, you need her, and I'll never be her,
EPOV
Eudora knew going into this relationship that it wouldn't be easy. She knew that. Diego has so many issues, she could write them one by one and probably never be done. He has peculiarities that she doesn't get, preferences that make absolutely no sense and he refuses to explain. He accepts no comfort after nightmares and, in fact, prefers to act as if they don't exist. He needs everything to be a fight and if it's not, he'll make it into one. And he cannot stand music of any kind.
She tries to keep up with all of it but occasionally, she finds herself wanting to know why she puts in so much work. He puts in work, too, but it's more along the lines of her favorite coffee, or her preferred gun next to her service weapon. He pays attention to the strange things that most men wouldn't. He has no idea what her favorite flower is, much less if she likes even flowers.
Although, in one instance, she'd watched him pause at an outdoor flower vendor and lightly graze his fingers over a white egret orchid. She never saw him touch something so gently before or after that one incident. And when he'd seen her watching he'd gruffly turned and started walking again as if nothing had happened.
It's not until his sister's book comes out that Eudora learns that that particular flower is her favorite.
And then, Eudora learns a few other things.
She follows him, against her better instincts, and sees that he sneaks into Vanya's window at night and that he sneaks into the theater on days. She doesn't know what he does inside, what he and Vanya do. But she knows that they're not really siblings and that makes it worse.
He'd told her, and then the book told her, that they were siblings in name but not fact. They were strangers, barely friends, that lived in the same house until they were smart enough to escape. To leave and never turn back. Vanya left first.
The relationship becomes on and off after the first time they run into Vanya on the street. They're on a date and apparently she is, too. And Eudora sees the way Diego looks at Vanya, the way he looks at Vanya's date. She questions him about why they never talked later that night and it ended in argument. They became on and off and he started sneaking into Vanya's apartment and the theater.
Every time they were on, they'd end in an argument. Turning back to off when Eudora continuously woke up in the middle of the night, all alone, knowing where Diego was and where he was supposed to be.
In a night of drunken anger, she accuses him of being in love with Vanya and he goes silent as his face pales. His ever-present anger fails him as his eyes fill with a pain she's never seen before. And she knows that she's right as he turns away and slams the door as he leaves but she never brings it up again.
Suddenly, more of his peculiarities and his need for anger and distance make more sense. A painful kind of realization hits her as she realizes that she'd said he's in love with Vanya, not loved, and he hadn't denied or refuted it in any way. He'd simply walked away and she hadn't brought it up again. It hurts because he's told her that he loves her but he still loves Vanya, maybe always will.
2x7