Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 7
EPISODE 21
Airdate: March 10, 2019
"Grandpa's Hands"
Written by frostyfreezyfreeze54 (story/teleplay) and Sykadelix (story)
#TYH719
SCENE 1
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky and Bitch Clock are watching TV one day.
SPARKY: Wait, you almost got shot at Walgreens?
BITCH CLOCK: No, man, I almost shot someone at Walgreens. She just looked a lot like my ex-girlfriend.
At that point, Sparky hears the sound of his mailbox being opened.
SPARKY: That must be the mailman. I'm gonna get my mail and forget what we're talking about here.
Sparky leaves the house and goes to his mailbox to get his mail. He then comes back inside while looking at the mail.
SPARKY: Let's see, government checks, magazines, a letter from my parents, perfume samples...wait, a letter from my parents!
Sparky aggressively opens the letter to read its content.
SPARKY: "Dear Sparky, we are going to be celebrating our anniversary at the Marriott here in Seattle next week. This is a MacDougal family event, so we would love for you to be there and bring up to two guests." Awesome. I get to have a plus-two!
BITCH CLOCK: You mean, plus-one?
SPARKY: Why are you trying to correct me? I know what I just said. Anyway, this is great. If there's one thing my family knows how to do, it's to party.
BITCH CLOCK: Well, if it's a party, then I could probably be...
SPARKY: I'm taking Buster with me.
BITCH CLOCK: Okay, well, since there's still one spot available...
SPARKY: I'm going to ask around and see who can come. Who knows? I might not even bring a second guest.
BITCH CLOCK: Yeah, sure. You're not slick, man, I know you don't want me there.
SPARKY: What gave you that idea? The fact that you get drunk at every family event? I'm surprised my parents didn't tell me not to bring you.
BITCH CLOCK: Look, just because I let it slip about your uncle's low sperm count, doesn't mean I'm bad to have at parties. Telling a drunk person shit like that and expecting them not to say anything is like driving through a poor neighborhood in a Bentley and expecting not to get robbed...or killed.
SPARKY: How would you know that?
BITCH CLOCK: Because I've robbed people for their Bentleys before. Man, have I taught you anything?!
SCENE 2
(The opening instrumental to "Nazareth Savage" by Nas plays in the background)
At night, a girl in an all-purple jumpsuit is chasing down a detective who covers his face as he runs with a manila envelope. He goes towards a dark alley while the girl decides to take him by surprise by jumping onto the roof of the building next to the alley. Tension builds as the detective continues walking with the envelope, and the camera cuts back and forth several times between the girl preparing to jump off the roof and the look of fear on the detective's face.
RK (V.O.): Jaylynn, what are you doing?
A record needle scratch effect is heard as the detective looks at the camera. Cut to the real world, where RK and Wade stand near Jaylynn at her seat in study hall, presumably drawing something.
JAYLYNN: Oh, nothing. Everything's old news. What's going down with you guys?
WADE: What are these drawings?
JAYLYNN: These? Nah, man, they're not drawings, just doodles. Less than doodles, they don't mean shit.
RK: If we have to beat you to get the information out, we will.
JAYLYNN: And if I have to send you to the hospital for trying anything, I will. But if you really wanna know, I'm working on the latest edition of my comic book series.
WADE: You have a comic book series?!
JAYLYNN: Yeah. I've been working on it since I lived in Portland.
RK: Well, how come you never told us that? That sounds pretty boss.
JAYLYNN: It's just a personal project. I only do it when I'm bored, it's not a big deal.
WADE: It's an enormous deal. Jaylynn, these drawings are beautiful. I didn't know you were an artist.
JAYLYNN: How did you not know? I'm a poet, and poetry is like written art.
RK: Do you even remember the last poem you wrote?
Beat.
JAYLYNN: Touché.
RK: But Wade's right. You have a real talent. If you show people your comics, they'll probably show you their appreciation with money. Cash money.
JAYLYNN: I don't care about cash money. I just want to draw these for fun.
WADE: Well, if you don't want any commercial success, you could at least show us the rest of your work.
JAYLYNN: Alright. Come by my house after school and I'll show you my stuff.
RK: That sounds awesomesauce. Wait, why did I just say that?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, why did you? You don't see me talking about watching TV and coming up with crazy schemes.
RK: I wouldn't be upset if you did.
SCENE 3
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Later that day, Sparky and Buster are walking through the halls of school.
BUSTER: I just don't know why it tastes like that. It's ruined grape juice for me.
SPARKY: Buster, everybody's said the same thing about children's medicine that you said. It's not a big deal.
BUSTER: Well, it should be. I don't want that in my mouth, it's gross.
SPARKY: Yeah, I'm just gonna move on here. You want to come with me to my parents' wedding anniversary?
BUSTER: I don't know, Sparky. It's an anniversary. Do you know the kind of things that adults do at those things?
SPARKY: It's not that kind of anniversary. It's going to be a family reunion at the Marriott. But I'm going to leave before the adult stuff happens.
BUSTER: Ooh, the Marriott. Sounds like it's going to be huge.
SPARKY: It is. All I need to do is keep Bitch Clock away.
BUSTER: Why don't you want Bitch Clock to be there?
SPARKY: Have you met Bitch Clock?!
BUSTER: Forget what I just said. It's a good thing I was around to get invited. Now, you don't have to worry about Bitch Clock being at the party.
SPARKY: Not exactly. My parents said I could bring two people and I don't know what to do. He's not going to leave me alone until I tell him he can come.
BUSTER: You could invite Halley.
SPARKY: Halley! You're right, Buster, my girlfriend! I bring you two and Bitch Clock can find something else to do that night. I don't know why, but this kinda reminds me of what happened to Grandpappy MacDougal that one time. He had to be in two places at once.
BUSTER: How did he handle it?
SPARKY: Oh, he just told his girlfriend that he was sick and went to a concert with his buddies. But he forgot his girlfriend was going to the concert too, so...not a good night for Grandpappy.
SCENE 4
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Later that day, Bitch Clock is watching TV when Sparky walks in. Sparky's eyes widen when he sees Bitch Clock watching TV. He tries his best to avoid being seen by walking on his tippy toes.
BITCH CLOCK: I already know you're here.
SPARKY: Dammit.
BITCH CLOCK: So, that second invitation. Should I make room on my schedule?
SPARKY: No. Halley might not have wanted to go, but I'm going to see who else I can bring.
BITCH CLOCK: Come on, Sparky. Your whole family already knows who I am. What's the worst that could happen if you bring me?
SPARKY: I don't know. You could have too much beer and pretend to be from Hollywood so it gives you the right to look up skirts?
BITCH CLOCK: Ugh. Why is it that Daniel Radcliffe can get drunk and everyone applauds him, but when it comes to me, it's a problem?
SPARKY: It's probably because Daniel Radcliffe is a recovering alcoholic...with a job.
BITCH CLOCK: Working is overrated.
SPARKY: Look, Bitch Clock, if you're coming to the anniversary, you need to be a completely different person with a completely different name. Everybody's going to be there. My cousins, my grandparents. Even Aunt Suzanne's coming in from San Antonio.
BITCH CLOCK: Aunt Suzanne. Isn't she the one with the fat ass?
SPARKY: Yeah, I'm going to go see what Jaylynn has planned.
BITCH CLOCK: Wait! Alright, man, I know what to do. If I'm going to go to the anniversary, I'm going to be sophisticated. I'm going to be elegant. I'm going to be the person you never thought I could be.
SPARKY: There's no way you can be any of those things. You know, unless you're just trying to hide something from the police.
BITCH CLOCK: Maybe you can teach me. And if I fail, I won't go.
SPARKY: This isn't a trap, right? You're not going to try and crash the party if you can't come?
BITCH CLOCK: Depends on how I feel that night.
SCENE 5
The Hernandez Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK and Wade look through a large cardboard box labeled "Jaylynn's Comics."
WADE: I can't believe you've been writing and illustrating these for so long.
JAYLYNN: I can't believe it, either. I gave up on playing the drums after a week but I can't stop making these.
RK: Wait a minute. Your main superhero is a girl, right?
JAYLYNN: Yeah.
RK: Dammit.
JAYLYNN: What's the problem?
RK: Let me guess. She's one of those superheroes, right? She can do it better than the guys and she's like, really feminist and shit, right?
JAYLYNN: No, smartass. If she was a guy, I would write her exactly the same.
RK: Oh, okay. Cool. So, tell me more about your little superhero.
JAYLYNN: Well, her name is The Purple Avenger. She has super speed, advanced intelligence, and she can heal really fast from her injuries.
WADE: She has all those powers? Where does the conflict come from?
JAYLYNN: Well, her struggles in a male-dominated society, everyone underestimating her because of her age and size. And also, poor self-esteem.
RK: I don't see how someone with all those powers can have low self-esteem.
JAYLYNN: Dude, every superhero is a loser outside of their costume. That's what makes them so hard to f*** with when they're in costume. They have everything to lose.
WADE: You know, Jaylynn, you should show other people these comics. They're funny, they look really expressive, and it's something positive.
RK: Oh yeah, positivity. Today's audience will eat that stuff up.
JAYLYNN: Look, guys, I'm not trying to show these to people. It's bad enough you guys saw it.
RK: Why? Are you ashamed of us?
JAYLYNN: You, maybe. What are you gonna do about it?
RK: What am I not gonna do about it?
WADE: I'm just saying, a lot of people love superheroes these days. And you already have years of material, so it's not like anyone will get bored.
JAYLYNN: Forget it. I don't need a bunch of idiots giving me their unnecessary opinions on my work. "Why do you like using dark colors so much? Make it sunnier." Life isn't always bright and sunny, shut up!
Beat.
RK: I'm sorry, Jay, who are you talking to?
Cut to RK and Wade leaving Jaylynn's house.
WADE: I can't believe this. Jaylynn has a lot of talent. Why doesn't she want anyone to see it?
RK: Well, you know how it is, Wade. Some people just don't want to do what's good for them. They don't have the vision to see what other people see.
WADE: Hey! Maybe Jaylynn is too shy to show people her comics because she thinks everyone will hate them.
RK: So, now, the plan is to get Jaylynn's comics out to the world so people can recognize her skills. Lucky for us, I already took all the pictures I needed and snatched one of the old comics from the box.
WADE: RK, you're a genius! We show it off at school, Jaylynn gets the credit, and we...wait, what are we getting out of this?
RK: Wade, we're Jaylynn's friends. We don't need to get anything out of making her happy.
WADE: No, seriously.
RK: I was thinking money, but we should probably hold off on that until we secure the movie rights.
SCENE 6
The MacDougal Household
Interior Dining Room
Seattle, Washington
Bitch Clock walks into the dining room and sees a bunch of plates set out on the table, along with forks, knives, and napkins. Sparky has already taken his seat.
BITCH CLOCK: What's all this?
SPARKY: Evening, Bitch Clock.
BITCH CLOCK: I thought you were teaching me to be more sophisticated. I don't have time to entertain guests.
SPARKY: Wouldn't I be the one entertaining since it's my house?
BITCH CLOCK: We can play this game all we want. The point is, it's excessive.
SPARKY: Look, we don't have a lot of time left before the anniversary. So, to make it easier, I've decided to give you a crash course on how to behave yourself in fancy situations.
BITCH CLOCK: And in order to do that, you cleaned all these plates, put out expensive silverware, and changed the tablecloth when no one else is here?
SPARKY: It's called setting my scene. And how would you notice my decorating habits? Eighty percent of the time, you're hammered anyway.
BITCH CLOCK: See. That's how you know I'm more sophisticated than you think. I pay attention to the little things. Now, let's get it on.
Bitch Clock takes his seat.
BITCH CLOCK: Alright, so how do we start?
SPARKY: Well, the first step of being sophisticated is to know how to handle yourself when things get awkward. Let's say, someone makes a fool of themselves during the dinner. How do you handle them?
BITCH CLOCK: You start singing "My Generation" and dancing on the table?
SPARKY: What?
BITCH CLOCK: It helps take some heat off the other guy.
SPARKY: Okay, moving on. A chance comes during the dinner to liven it up by telling a funny story. What kind of funny story do you go with?
BITCH CLOCK: Oh, I have a classic. See, my friends and I were driving to Vegas this one time when we realized there was a hooker bound and gagged in the trunk...
SPARKY: DUDE!
BITCH CLOCK: What? Blame Tony. He's the one that wanted to pay for the girl's services with a credit card. That bastard.
SPARKY: Bitch Clock, did you ever think that there's more to life than drinking?
BITCH CLOCK: Hey, one of the main reasons I drink is so I can help relate to the people around me who drink.
SPARKY: What if you're talking to someone that doesn't drink?
BITCH CLOCK: It helps me tolerate them in spite of their non-drinking.
SPARKY: Well, I was going to wait, but it looks like you need to practice now. Come on in, special guest!
At that point, Buster walks into the dining room.
BUSTER: Howdy.
BITCH CLOCK: Wow. What are the odds that you would invite your best friend, out of all the people you know? I'm shocked.
SPARKY: Knock it off. Buster's going to be there too, and unlike you, he actually knows how to deal with fancy situations.
BITCH CLOCK: Of course, the same person that thought ginger ale came from a fruit.
BUSTER: I wish I could beat you right now with fruit.
BITCH CLOCK: Well, I don't think you're gonna.
SPARKY: Okay. Now, Buster is going to start the conversation with some fancy talk. Something charming, something tasteful. Your job is to bounce off of his comments to create a fancy conversation.
BITCH CLOCK: Sounds easy to me.
BUSTER: The other day, me and a friend went to Paris where we dined on some very fancy cheese and some expensive wine. Not the bottled stuff, the wine fresh from the grapes people stomped on to make it.
BITCH CLOCK: You know what? That reminds me of the time I snuck wine into the movies. Let me see, it was 1999 and I was already a little plastered.
SPARKY: Bitch Clock, what's the longest you've ever went without touching alcohol?
BITCH CLOCK: I don't know, about 14 years.
SPARKY: Really?
BITCH CLOCK: Yeah, the first 14 years of my life. Then I went to a keg party in high school and it was all gravy from there.
BUSTER: I feel like your whole life is just one big disappointment.
BITCH CLOCK: Yeah, like you're going to have a shot with the ladies in high school. You'll probably sit by yourself at lunch and talk about the newest manga that just came out.
SPARKY: This is going to kill me. I know it is.
SCENE 7
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
The next day at school, Jaylynn walks in and is applauded by the kids. She looks flattered.
JAYLYNN: Wow, was my entrance really that great? Hang on, I can do it again with "Sorry Not Sorry" playing in the background.
KID: The Purple Avenger is dope, Jaylynn!
KID #2: Yeah, you need to give it to Marvel so they can come out with a TV show for it.
JAYLYNN: What? How do you guys know abou...
Jaylynn sees a grinning RK and Wade and growls.
JAYLYNN: Them damn bumbaclots.
Jaylynn walks up to the boys.
JAYLYNN: You two have some nerve. I thought I told you not to show The Purple Avenger to anyone.
RK: You did tell us that. But you also told us to stand up for what we think is right and do what feels good.
JAYLYNN: I never said that!
RK: Oh. Well, you should, it helps stop miscommunication.
WADE: Jaylynn, we had to show kids your comics. They're so well done and you deserve the credit.
JAYLYNN: That's not the point. If I wanted people to see it, I would have had them see it a long time ago. Now, it's all gone to hell.
RK: You disappoint me, Hernandez. This isn't the way things need to be. The Purple Avenger doesn't have to be some dusty underground comic nobody knows about. It can be way more than that.
JAYLYNN: Bitch, my comics aren't dusty.
RK: Settle down, I'm painting the picture here. It starts with the comic. Then it sells. Pretty soon, everybody's going to be in business with you. The Purple Avenger goes worldwide. Action figures, backpacks, cereals. And a $100 million opening weekend.
JAYLYNN: Damn, a movie? You think...you think Hailee Steinfeld could play the Purple Avenger?
RK: If you think she would act and not just look hot in her costume, then why not?
WADE: So what do you say, Jaylynn? You want to take this as far as you can?
JAYLYNN: Dammit. You guys are always making me try new shit. Alright, let's do it. But if I don't like the way things are going, I'm walking away.
RK: Sure.
JAYLYNN: And I want Demi to curate the movie soundtrack. Gives her something positive to do, you know?
SCENE 8
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That night, Sparky and Buster are watching TV.
SPARKY: I don't know what to do, Buster. If I bring Bitch Clock with us to the Marriott, he's just going to humiliate himself again.
BUSTER: Maybe getting humiliated isn't the worst thing in the world. It helps build character.
SPARKY: Well, he's been building character his entire life. I'm screwed. I was this close to convincing my uncle that he was just my diseased pet.
BUSTER: Why don't you try seeing what's going on with Halley?
SPARKY: I don't know. She said she didn't want to go and I have to respect that. I kinda wish she gave me a reason, though.
Cut to Bitch Clock whistling "Give the People What They Want" by The O'Jays in his attic while sorting through his champagne bottles. At that point, he gets a call and he picks up.
BITCH CLOCK: Hello?
HALLEY (O.S.): You know your check bounced, right?
BITCH CLOCK: Wait, who's this?
HALLEY (O.S.): For the last time, my name is Halley! We've been over this.
BITCH CLOCK: Right. Look, I'll do what I have to do to get you the money. In the meantime, you just keep your mouth shut.
HALLEY (O.S.): You better get the money. I had a chance to see Sparky's parents until you came along. Now, I can't even get the check? Sometimes, it really feels like...
A bored Bitch Clock hangs up the phone.
BITCH CLOCK: Man, I wonder about Sparky's taste.
SCENE 9
Seattle Marriott Waterfront
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
Sparky's car pulls up to the hotel on the night of the anniversary. Cut to him, Buster, and Bitch Clock inside the car dressed in suits.
BUSTER: I wonder how much lake water they use for the indoor pool.
BITCH CLOCK: Sparky, I know I wasn't your first choice to come to this party, or the second choice. Hell, I probably wasn't even the hundredth choice. But I think all of that is about to change.
Bitch Clock pulls a bottle of champagne out from under his car seat.
SPARKY: Great. You're going to be more sophisticated by drinking. This is the happiest day of my life.
BITCH CLOCK: Let me explain. What's the classiest alcoholic drink known to man?
Beat.
BUSTER: French wine where the grapes get stomped on?
BITCH CLOCK: No, champagne! People use this for everything. To me, it tastes like candy. It's a baby drink, but it's exactly what I need.
SPARKY: I still don't get it.
BITCH CLOCK: Champagne doesn't have an effect on me. I drink this, and not only will I not be drunk, but I'll be able to handle being around your entire family.
SPARKY: I guess, but if you start acting up, I'm making sure you get kicked out.
BITCH CLOCK: Believe me, that won't be a problem tonight.
BUSTER: Why didn't you just drink champagne at Sparky's other family events?
BITCH CLOCK: Why didn't your parents get you tested after they dropped you on your head as a baby?
Beat.
BUSTER: You fat bitch.
SCENE 10
Seattle Marriott Waterfront
Seattle, Washington
Sparky, Buster, and Bitch Clock walk into the hotel and go to check in.
SPARKY: MacDougal anniversary party, party of three. No pun intended.
MANAGER: Yes, certainly, allow me to check for your party.
BUSTER: No pun intended. I always felt like I knew what that meant, but I never felt confident when I used it. *to Bitch Clock* Does that ever happen to you?
BITCH CLOCK: Why are you talking to me?
MANAGER: Yes, MacDougal party of three, right this way.
The guys walk into the ballroom and see the room filled with MacDougals. There are also pictures of Sparky's parents, from when they were teenagers to when they were married to when Sparky was a baby.
BUSTER: Hey, look, baby Sparky is in one of these pictures!
SPARKY: I thought I told my parents not to show people those anymore. Eh, I guess I lost that battle.
BITCH CLOCK: Look, Aunt Suzanne! No, wait, it's just your mother. I get their backsides mixed up all the time.
Sparky gives Bitch Clock a look of rage.
BITCH CLOCK: That's all you're going to hear from me tonight. I'm about to have my baby drink.
Bitch Clock walks away while Sparky shakes his head. He goes to greet his parents with Buster tagging along.
SPARKY: Hey Mom and Dad!
MR. MACDOUGAL: Son, how are you doing?
Sparky hugs his parents.
SPARKY: I'm doing great. Buster and...you know who is here.
MRS. MACDOUGAL: Oh no, your alarm clock? Why didn't I ban him from the party?
MR. MACDOUGAL: Honey, it's okay. As long as he doesn't talk to us, tonight will be perfect.
BUSTER: So, I'm also doing great.
MRS. MACDOUGAL: Hey Buster, how are things going? Last I heard, you were really getting close with that Ashley girl.
BUSTER: We broke up a long time ago. I would tell you why, but I can't remember.
MR. MACDOUGAL: Well, keep your head up, buddy. One day, you could have all this to share with your wife.
BUSTER: I don't think sharing everything with my wife is a good idea. Bitch Clock told me about the importance of prenups.
Cut to Sparky's parents looking disturbed. Sparky gives Buster a confused stare.
BUSTER: What? I don't like him, but he's been on the ball a couple times.
SCENE 11
Seattle Marriott Waterfront
Interior Ballroom
Seattle, Washington
Sparky and Buster are watching everybody dance later on in the party.
BUSTER: You know, Sparky, this party's been great. Especially when I hugged your cousin Scott and he started doing the worm. What a character.
SPARKY: Um, Buster, Scott has acute physical paranoia. He really hates being touched.
Beat.
BUSTER: I'm gonna have to write an apology note, right?
SPARKY: Eh, don't worry about it too much. This party has been great. And Bitch Clock hasn't embarrassed himself at all. He's just been going around talking about random nonsense.
Cut to Bitch Clock talking to a woman at one of the tables.
BITCH CLOCK: See, Tony! Toni! Toné! and Toni Braxton have no affiliation with each other. A lot of people don't know that, but there's a distinction.
WOMAN: Sir, I just asked you where the crab cakes were.
Cut back to Sparky and Buster. Sparky's eyes widen and his legs move slightly inward.
SPARKY: Oh no.
BUSTER: What happened?
SPARKY: Too much Coke. I'm going to hit the bathroom.
Sparky runs out of the ballroom and heads to the bathroom. On the way there, he overhears laughter from his parents and stops.
MRS. MACDOUGAL: And it's the cutest thing because Sparky loves his grandpa.
LADY: Wait, so you guys made up some of the stories you told him?
MR. MACDOUGAL: Not really "made up," but we definitely embellished some stories here and there to make them more exciting.
MRS. MACDOUGAL: Yeah, like the one about Grandpappy MacDougal gambling on the Emmys. He never did anything that stupid, but Sparky loved hearing these extreme stories. They were like urban legends we made so my dad looked cooler.
SPARKY: I can't believe this.
Sparky's eyes widen again.
SPARKY: I'll deal with this later!
Sparky runs to the bathroom while the "Let It Roll" instrumental plays in the background.
SCENE 12
Seattle Marriott Waterfront
Interior Ballroom
Seattle, Washington
Later on, as people are starting to leave the anniversary party, Sparky sulks as he sits at an empty table. His parents walk up to him.
MR. MACDOUGAL: Everything alright, champ?
SPARKY: No.
MRS. MACDOUGAL: Well, Buster just went to the bathroom. He'll be back soon.
SPARKY: It's not about him, it's about Grandpappy MacDougal. How could you lie to me like this?
MRS. MACDOUGAL: Excuse me?
SPARKY: I heard you guys talking before. All those stories you told me about my grandpa were fake?
MR. MACDOUGAL: Of course not. Your grandfather lived a very fulfilling life and he had plenty of interesting adventures. You can't make up things like that.
SPARKY: Yes, you can, when you embellish things to make them more exciting. Apparently, I really liked the stupid, extreme stories.
MR. MACDOUGAL: Oh no.
MRS. MACDOUGAL: Sparky, you weren't supposed to hear that.
SPARKY: Well, I did. Why? Why did you guys make everything up? I don't even feel like I have a grandfather anymore.
MR. MACDOUGAL: We're really sorry, Sparky. We didn't deliberately deceive you. When you were younger, you couldn't stop crying so I told you a story about your grandfather to get you to sleep. And every time I told you a story, you always got tired. I couldn't even finish because you were always knocked out.
MRS. MACDOUGAL: Eventually, we started telling you more and more stories and I think as we continued, they just got crazier and crazier. We were going to tell you more basic stories when you got older, but they bored you.
SPARKY: Well, hearing about everything my grandfather did really isn't as exciting when you replace it with him getting the wrong coat of paint for his house remodel.
MRS. MACDOUGAL: Oh, so you do remember that story.
MR. MACDOUGAL: Sparky, we never meant for this to happen. We just wanted you to be closer to your grandfather. Now, you'll always have the stories that you can pass down to your kids.
SPARKY: No, I don't. They're all just fairytales. I don't even know what to believe anymore. But it doesn't matter. I'll talk to you guys soon, I have to go home.
Sparky leaves the ballroom while fighting back tears. Cut to Sparky's parents.
MR. MACDOUGAL: Honey, I need an honest answer. Are we bad parents?
Cut to Bitch Clock standing next to Sparky's parents.
BITCH CLOCK: Yeah, you really are.
Sparky's parents give Bitch Clock an annoyed look.
BITCH CLOCK: Please, to say you guys are good parents is to say that Hitchcock hated blondes.
SCENE 13
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
A table is set up where Jaylynn sits to sign copies of "The Purple Avenger" while RK and Wade maintain security.
BOY: I can't believe I'm meeting you! Issue #3 was amazing, how did Lauren get out of the laundromat so fast?
JAYLYNN: Believe me, it wasn't easy to write. But what happened was she secretly had a one-time superpower of temporary cat's feet. She was so quiet, the bad guys didn't even know she escaped.
BOY: That's incredible. Thanks for making me love reading again.
The boy clutches his comic and leaves.
RK: Did that really happen?
JAYLYNN: No. I don't even remember why I put in a laundromat scene.
WADE: Well, Jaylynn, you're famous now. How does it feel?
JAYLYNN: It sure beats people loving me for some stupid picture RK took, I know that much. I kinda have to thank you guys. I didn't know if my writing was good enough to show the comics to anybody, but you made me get out of my comfort zone.
RK: Any time, Jaylynn.
WADE: Yeah, you really deserve this.
JAYLYNN: I mean, I can overlook the little things like kids asking me why I called it The Purple Avenger or getting suggestions on how to make the dialogue better and shit. You know, it's all just part of the fame.
RK: Well, if they annoy you, they annoy you.
WADE: Yeah, there's nothing wrong with that.
JAYLYNN: They really annoy me.
RK: It's okay, you're just paying your dues.
WADE: Yeah, get over it and drink a Slurpee.
RK and Jaylynn give Wade looks of bewilderment.
WADE: I have no idea why I just said that.
SCENE 14
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
Sparky looks depressed as the kids eat lunch.
BUSTER: Sparky, please. You have to move on from this. School lunch doesn't just eat itself.
RK: On days like today, I wish that it could.
SPARKY: You don't get it, Buster. Grandpappy MacDougal was like a superhero to me. He was larger than life. I didn't know him that long, but when I did, he felt like the same person he was in those stories my parents told me. Now, none of that means anything.
WADE: You don't know that. Who's to say your parents fabricated everything? Maybe it was like a "based on a true story" situation.
SPARKY: It didn't sound like it. I can't get used to my grandpa being normal. I can't imagine him working some boring desk job stapling papers together that don't have any words on them and getting yelled at by some...short, fat guy who hasn't had a date in twenty years.
RK: Could you stop predicting my future?
JAYLYNN: Wait a minute. It all makes sense now. Sparky, is that why you always ramble about things your grandpa did?
SPARKY: I don't know. I guess it would explain why.
JAYLYNN: Oh my God. In that case, I'm sorry if I ever complained about your stories before.
SPARKY: It's okay. You were just complaining about a bunch of lies.
WADE: Isn't your grandmother still alive? I bet she could corroborate your parents' stories.
SPARKY: I don't know, she lives all the way in Spokane. But it couldn't hurt. Maybe I could go after school.
BUSTER: Could I come with? I've never met your grandmother before.
SPARKY: Wait, how? You didn't talk to her at the party?
BUSTER: There were always people around. I got shy.
SCENE 15
Grandma MacDougal's Household
Interior Living Room
Spokane, Washington
Sparky and Buster are sitting opposite Sparky's grandmother at her house after school.
SPARKY: Thanks for letting me come over, Grandma. I just had to talk to someone about Grandpappy.
BUSTER: And thank you for putting out these Jolly Ranchers. Finally, old people that know what the kids want!
GRANDMA MACDOUGAL: Any time, boys. You know, Sparky, you shouldn't hold a grudge against your parents for what they did. They only exaggerated because of how much you loved it.
SPARKY: Yeah, but I really started to admire Grandpappy after all those stories. He lived a better life than half the world does, but after this, how am I supposed to treat him the same?
BUSTER: Wait, didn't your parents once tell you that your grandfather was trying to track down the guy that stole the secret recipe for Oreos?
SPARKY: You know what? Maybe I should have seen the warning signs from the jump.
GRANDMA MACDOUGAL: Your grandfather may not have done every little thing that your parents told you, but he was still the most exciting man I've ever met. He actually did serve in the war, and he had a martial arts background.
SPARKY: Let me guess. He wasn't capable of fighting four guys at once?
GRANDMA MACDOUGAL: On the contrary, he was. One night when we were coming home from a movie, these four guys tried to have their way with me. Of course, I had no interest in them, but your grandfather wasn't going to let anything happen to me. So before one of them could even try touching me, your grandfather took them all down. One-by-one, they tried to beat him down, and none of them could get the job done. It was almost unfair how he handled them.
BUSTER: Personally, I think your parents told all those crazy stories because they were trying to keep something really juicy from you. Something they thought you couldn't handle.
SPARKY: Like what?
BUSTER: I don't know, all sorts of things. Maybe he was an outlaw trying to avoid the feds. Or maybe he was a government spy that found out some shocking truth about America. Or he probably sold store bought hot dogs on the side, and pretended he cooked them.
GRANDMA MACDOUGAL: My Robert never liked street food, so you might be on to something, Buster.
SPARKY: I guess I just have to face facts. My grandpa wasn't as extraordinary as I thought he was.
GRANDMA MACDOUGAL: Sparky, being an exceptional person in life is a lot more than thrilling adventures and exciting jobs. It's about making everyone around you feel like they matter, and putting yourself on the line for the people you care about.
Grandma MacDougal gives Sparky a ship in a bottle from her shelf.
GRANDMA MACDOUGAL: I want you to have this. Consider this your birthday present because my pockets are a little dry this year.
SPARKY: What's this?
GRANDMA MACDOUGAL: Robert loved making ships in a bottle. It was one of his favorite hobbies. It took him a long time to get it right the first time, but he never quit believing in himself. That's what you should remember your grandfather for, Sparky. Not superficial events.
Beat.
BUSTER: Maybe a bomb's in there that goes off when you crack the bottle open.
GRANDMA MACDOUGAL: Buster...
BUSTER: I'm just saying.
SCENE 16
The Rodriguez Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Ashley is watching TV when Jaylynn walks in wearing sunglasses and a hoodie. She tries to walk towards the couch, but keeps going back to the door and looking through the peephole.
ASHLEY: Jaylynn, what are you doing?
JAYLYNN: Making sure I'm not being followed. They're after me.
ASHLEY: Who's after you?
JAYLYNN: The kids from school. They wouldn't leave me alone today. They probably found some way to bug my car so they can track my location. They're coming here!
ASHLEY: Why don't you start at the beginning and I'll see if I can understand you?
JAYLYNN: Look, ever since I lived in Portland, I've been writing a comic book series called The Purple Avenger. I showed it to RK and Wade and they showed it to everyone in school. Now, they love it and I'm popular!
ASHLEY: What a horrible life you have. It must be hell being you.
JAYLYNN: Stop it. I hate being popular. I always thought that I would enjoy it for a couple weeks and then get sick of it, but I can't even handle a couple days.
ASHLEY: So, let me see if I got this straight. RK and Wade showed everyone your comics, you became the most popular girl in school because everyone loved them, and now you hate it because you're writing your comics for everyone else and not yourself?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, but I didn't even tell you that last thing.
ASHLEY: You were taking a long time to get to the point. That was the most likely answer.
JAYLYNN: What am I gonna do? I know everybody likes The Purple Avenger, but I can't write something that everyone has an opinion on. At least until I go to Hollywood, but that's not gonna be for another fifteen years.
ASHLEY: Well, I don't know much about comic books, but I do know that superheroes can die.
JAYLYNN: Okay, so you watched Infinity War using my Netflix account. What's your point?
ASHLEY: You can kill the Purple Avenger, Jaylynn.
JAYLYNN: I'm not killing her off! That doesn't even fit the storyline.
ASHLEY: I'm not saying you have to kill her for real. Just tell everybody she's dead and you're not doing the comics anymore. Then you can go back to making them your way.
JAYLYNN: Well, it's definitely a better idea than killing RK and Wade. Alright, I'll do it. My artistic integrity's at stake.
ASHLEY: By the way, the only reason I used your Netflix account is because I forgot my password.
JAYLYNN: Forget what you want, I was still the first person you called.
SCENE 17
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That night, Bitch Clock is admiring the ship in a bottle when Sparky walks downstairs and sees him.
SPARKY: What the hell are you doing?
BITCH CLOCK: I was just wondering when you got this. I never thought you were interested in a life at sea.
SPARKY: I'm not, and will you put that down? You're gonna wreck it.
Bitch Clock places the ship in a bottle back on Sparky's shelf.
BITCH CLOCK: I think you should be a little nicer to me, considering the fact that I was a perfect gentleman at your parents' anniversary. Aunt Suzanne knew I was there, but she behaved herself.
SPARKY: Why are you bringing up my parents anyway? What do they have to do with this?!
BITCH CLOCK: Okay, there's no reason a sober person should be this insane. Are you still hung up on what your parents did?
SPARKY: No. I'm just upset because this ship in a bottle might have a bomb in it like Buster said. If you break it, you're going to kill everyone in this house. You want that? A ten-year-old boy, an alcoholic alarm clock, and the boy's cat all dead because of you.
BITCH CLOCK: Look, dude, I know it's hard for you to deal with, but parents lie. That's part of the reason they have kids so they can teach them never to trust anyone.
SPARKY: I just hate this, man. For years, I thought my grandpa was this amazing guy. Now, his legacy is some ship in a bottle? What kind of stories am I supposed to annoy the guys with now? The time Grandpappy's printer ran out of ink? The time he decided to take up philately? The time he got a f***ing discount at Office Depot?!
BITCH CLOCK: When did your grandfather die?
SPARKY: I don't know. It's been a couple years.
BITCH CLOCK: What's the last thing you remember about him?
SPARKY: I can't remember. One day, he was here and the next day, he was dead.
BITCH CLOCK: You didn't get to see him before he died?
SPARKY: No, my parents refused to let me. They didn't want me seeing him so frail with all those tubes. I never got to see him for the last time like everyone else.
BITCH CLOCK: There it is. I figured that shit out without even thinking about it. I'm on fire this week.
SPARKY: What are you talking about?
BITCH CLOCK: The real reason you can't stop thinking about your grandpa and why you're so mad at your parents. They never let you see him right before he died, so you never got closure. All you had were those crazy stories, so when you found out those might be fake, you lost everything.
SPARKY: Jaylynn was right! No wonder I ramble so much. It has to be something psychological, don't you think?
BITCH CLOCK: Probably. But you should get professional help for that, man.
SPARKY: No, you're right. I never did get closure. My parents kept me from everything. Grandpappy's deathbed, his funeral. They didn't want to give me bad memories, but now I have all this frustration from what they did.
BITCH CLOCK: So, now what?
SPARKY: I'm going to see my grandfather one last time. It's the only way I'll feel like myself again. Thanks for helping me, Bitch Clock.
BITCH CLOCK: Don't thank me. Thank all the champagne I've been drinking. You know what, I think the bubbles have some kind of natural antioxidants that exercise your brain.
SPARKY: They don't, and they never have, but once again, thanks for helping me.
SCENE 18
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
At school, Jaylynn stands on top of a soapbox and whistles, getting the attention of all the kids, including RK and Wade.
JAYLYNN: People, people, listen up! I know, for the last couple days, I've become like an icon to you all. You can't get enough of me, or my comics. And while I appreciate the fact that you recognize me and how raw I am, that has to end. You see, I'm done writing The Purple Avenger.
The kids gasp in horror.
MANNY: Why do good things never last?!
GIRL: Come on, Jaylynn, stop playing. You have to keep writing those comics.
JAYLYNN: Sorry, can't do it. I've gotten burned out, and I feel like it's time to move on. I've given it all I can give. But don't worry, that last comic I have coming out? It's gonna be fire. I'm going to handle Lauren's death the only way I can, because only I can supply you with the goods. I'm your pusher, and I'm going to push that comic book crack one more time if you're ready. So, let's enjoy this! Keep hope alive! Keep hope alive! Keep hope alive!
WADE: Jaylynn?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, what's up?
WADE: Don't you see that everyone's gone back to what they were doing before?
Jaylynn looks around and sees that all the kids have already stopped paying attention, going into their lockers and using their phones.
JAYLYNN: Well, someone had to be paying attention still.
RK: I can't believe you're not doing the comics anymore. This is our fault. We're sorry for pushing you too hard.
JAYLYNN: Don't be. I'm going to keep doing the comics.
RK AND WADE: What?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, what do you think I'm smoking? I just had to get everyone off my back.
WADE: Wait, I thought you appreciated everybody praising your comics.
JAYLYNN: I did, but then it got really annoying how everybody had something to say. When I wrote those comics before, I didn't have to worry about what some random second grader thought. Now, people thought they owned the work that I made.
RK: Damn. I guess being creative doesn't get you anywhere in life.
WADE: Now I kinda wish that we never showed your comics to everybody.
JAYLYNN: It's okay. I'm glad you did. I found out I really have talent. And I'm confident enough to even write a new comic book series.
RK: What's it about?
JAYLYNN: Oh, this one is going to shut things down. It's about a rat who has intelligence that the average person's brain can't hold, so the government wants it dead. It's called We've Got a Damn Rat in Here.
Beat.
JAYLYNN: I should stick with The Purple Avenger, shouldn't i?
WADE: It would be best if you did.
RK: If you ever try writing that other comic, I'm not speaking to you anymore.
SCENE 19
Evergreen Republic Cemetery
Seattle, Washington
That same day, Sparky pulls up to the cemetery with Buster in the passenger's seat.
BUSTER: You ready for this?
SPARKY: As ready as I'll ever be.
Sparky and Buster get out of the car at the same time. Cut to them walking towards Grandpappy MacDougal's grave. Sparky is holding a bouquet of flowers while Buster is holding the ship in a bottle. Sparky tries to begin speaking, but he coughs.
SPARKY: I don't know if I can do this.
BUSTER: It's okay. Just relax. This is between you and him.
Sparky takes a deep breath.
SPARKY: Hi Grandpappy. It's your grandson Sparky. It's a little scary seeing your grave. I've only been here one other time when my grandmother took me to see you, but I don't think I really understood what was going on. I just want to say that I love you. I love you as much as I can love anybody in this world, and I can't get over the fact that I'll never see you again. You always felt like the strongest man on the planet. Not much bothered you, everybody turned their heads when you walked in the room. You were like a celebrity to me. I guess in some ways, I can understand why my parents kept me from seeing all this. They knew I idolized you, and they didn't want to ruin the image I had in my head of who you were. But I didn't know that when I found out what they did, so I snapped at them.
Sparky takes the ship in a bottle from Buster.
SPARKY: This is something that meant a lot to you. You never talked about this with me and my parents never told me stories about this, but I wish they did. It mattered enough to you that you spent years doing it, and you didn't give up on yourself when it was hard at first. I kept being mad because you weren't the same person I had in my head all these years, but why does it matter? You weren't a bad person. You never killed anybody or treated people like garbage or turned on anybody. You were someone with values. You cared about everybody that was close to you, and you made everyone's lives better just by being in them. Now that I'm old enough to know everything that happened, I just want you to know that I'll always remember you no matter what stories are real, and one day, I hope I can be as strong and wise as you.
Sparky begins crying, and Buster walks up to hug him.
SPARKY: I think I'm gonna be okay, Buster.
BUSTER: Your grandpa would be proud to see how you turned out.
SPARKY: Thanks, man. Let's go home.
("In Memory Of..." by Gang Starr plays in the background)
After Sparky leaves the bouquet at the gravesite, Sparky and Buster walk away. Buster continues holding the ship in a bottle as the camera zooms out, then dissolves twice as it remains in the cemetery, but the shot becomes wider with each dissolution. Fade to black as "In Memory Of..." continues playing over the end credits.
©2019 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS