This is a very old parody that I started and never finished because I ran out of things to say on the theme. I might pick up some of the themes again if I start a Bastard Effect series.
Mass Effect: Attack of the Furries
By Ridley the Violator
In the year of the Pineapple, human web users stumbled upon a discovery that would change everything forever, everywhere. They called it the weirdest discovery of human history. The civilizations of the galaxy call it The Furry Fandom.
What follow is the autobiographical dossier of the life and times of Athena Shepard, self published on multiple online resources such as Deviant Art, Fur Affinity, and Wikipedia.
Name: Jane "Goddess Athena" Shepard, a name she inherited from her mother who passed on an ancient tradition, shrouded in mystery. Why had she been named 'Goddess' all her life, and what could it possibly mean? And why was it that every time she said the phrase: I Am the Reincarnation of Athena, she gained super powers?
Age: Twenty One, but her body was so ageless and incredible, yet lithe and stringy with muscle and power that could break any man, even a seven hundred pound professional sumo wrestler.
Hair: Dark, deep, sensual bronzed red, with dark reddish goldish strands running in streaks and patterns through it, almost as if an artist had painted a mural of burnished beauty into her wavy mane of hair, hair so fine and silky that whoever looked at it felt their fingers twitch for a mere desperate chance to catch even a single strange and rub it betwixt their fingers and sigh at the beauty that they had witnessed and that would brighten their lives with the light of Aphrodite herself until Kingdom Come.
Eyes: A deep rich emerald green. Eyes that a man could lose himself in, eyes so perfect in their shape and proportion and appearance and how they looked that you would sigh and sink into their sea of peace and inner strength and fiery intensity.
Skin: Her skin was smooth and perfect, tinged with a slight warm summery tan and highly toned and muscular. Her skin was completely unblemished and utterly perfect as it had always been, and as it always would be.
Body: Her body was tall, smooth, her posture impeccable with the strength of a warrior…..and yet it seemed that she was always tense, always ready to spring, as if to flee from something…perhaps…..LOVE.
BIO:
Jane "Goddess Athena" Shepard was the most beautiful woman in the entire galaxy.
Some weren't sure she was even a woman. On her home colony of Mindoir, many a lad had whispered behind the back of many another lad, talking over her radiant skin and incredible alabaster eyes that seemed to shift colors with the shifting colors of the shifting moon colors, and the way she had been born under incredibly mysterious circum stances. Her father, John Jake, had been an incredibly generic-but her mother had been a woman of mysterious. She had come to Mindoir to escape a strange raping past, her belly already swollen with a baby and echoing with the sounds of Avril Lavigne as her child learned how to play punk on a tiny fetus guitar and wore a thong. I DO NOT THINK AVRIL LAVINGE IS PUNK BUT her mother was just as much a radiant goddess as Shepard. John Jake had tried to court her, but she had blown him off because he was probably a rapist and she no longer trusted human men and their raping ways, so she had blown him IN A SESHUAL WAY but, eventually, John Jake had one her heart with flowers and threatening to murder her unborn child, so she had reluctantly agreed to become the sexual slave of that monstrous man, John Jake—but under one condition. She had forced him to let her retain her maiden name, which showed her incredible spirit and strength.
John Jake would regularly try to beat her and try to make her come to his swinger parties, but she would use the mixed martial arts training that Turians had taught her and she had long silver waist length silver hair, with piercing silver eyes and pale alabaster skin.
She had stayed for years, but after birthing the child of rape into the sexually deviant care of John Jake Sully(1!1! SULLYSULLIED) and fending off his own rape attacks, she had abandoned her child to decades of abuse at the hands of the child's foster father,
But enough about Jane's incredible, beautiful mother that had the same name as her.
Jane had suffered years of abuse at the hands of John Jack, her ultra rapist conservative rape uncle who was her godfather after her mother had run away and John Jake had committed suicide because he could not live. To protect herself she had learned years of self-defense courses and become the finest martial artist on the planet, she was incredible—beautiful—every man woman child and dog wanted her, wanted to be like her. She was a redhead.
That was until SLAVERS ATTACKED HER COLONY of MINDOIR but before she could be enslaved buys evil lustful men the alliance military came and saved her. Shortly thereafter she joined the alliance military and became a dike. I mean a soldier, BUT HER TRAGIC LIFE WAS NOT OVER, as her entire squad was massacred by a huge fucking thresher maw and she accidentally blamed herself, but only became stronger and more beautiful.
The End.
Jane tried to log into her account on the Alliance military personnel database. A sexy British voice told her that her data had been corrupted or some such shit. This was unfortunate for her, because she had decades of deviant art pics saved onto her hard drive!
"Oh no! Throws hands up in the air like darth vader," said Jane. "All my erotic furry art is gone! GONE! GOOOONE!"
It was at that very moment, right then, at that moment in time, that her radio beeped.
"Hey Commander," came Joker's voice. "Come watch me do my amazing jump with the mass relay."
"Okay Joker," said Jane. Joker was so funny and not a celebrity cash in.
She arrived at the pilots COCKpit (so sexist!) just as the jump had finished.
"Drift just under fifteen hundred K," said Joker.
Jane spotted an incredibly sexy man there. He was tall, and muscular, and had a sexy voice that went well with his deep and penetrating eyes. "Fifteen hundred is good," said Nihlus.
Jane walked in a circle around the turian, sizing him up. The specter watched her nervously. "Your, um…your captain…" he flinched as Jane pinched his ass. "…will be pleased…" Nihlus trailed off and then jogged back to the CIC without looking back.
"Oh yes she will…" murmured Jane Shepard.
"Um, Commander," said Kaidan Alenko from the co-pilot's seat, wiping sweat from his brow. "You do know that Nihlus is a turian, right? An alien? A space raptor?"
"Maybe I'm not as short sighted as you, Kaiden."
"Yeah," said Kaidan, wiping some sweat from his forehead. "I may be short sighted, but I can spot a furry from a mile away."
"What's a furry?" asked Jane.
"Ask Nihilus," replied Kaiden, sweat dripping from his brow. "He's always ranting about things like that."
"I hate that guy," said Joker. He was the only one following the script, because Seth Green is just cool like that.
"Nihilus gave you compliment, so you hate him." said Kaidan incredulously.
"You remember to zip up your zipper after taking a shitter, that's good. I just flew us through fifteen suns and hit a target the size of a neutron, so that's incredible."
Kaiden sighed, wiping the fresh sweat from his forehead. "Okay, first of all: nice rhyme. And second of all, you did no such thing. The entire jump was computer controlled."
"I AM A PILOTING GENIUS," said Joker. "Besides, Specters are trouble, I don't like having them on board."
"You're paranoid," put in Jane. "And a cripple. A paranoid cripple."
Suddenly Captain Anderson's voice came over the speaker. The scary black man voice of Keith David made everyone's bones rattle.
"Joker!"
"Ah!" Everyone screamed.
"Send Commander Shepard down to my…private area…" There was an ominous synth sting.
"Yes sir," said Joker. "You better watch out sir, I think that piece of shit mother fucker cock sucking ass raping faggot Nihlius is headed your way."
"He's already here, lieutenant."
Captain Anderson signed off just as Joker entered a nervous seizure.
"Great," said Jane as Joker broke all the bones in his body. "You pissed the captain off and now I'll have to deal with him, in his…private area…." There was another ominous synth string.
Kaidan rolled his eyes as he restrained Joker and the Commander sauntered back towards the CIC. She nodded to Pressly on the way past him.
"Commander," said Pressly. "Everyone's talking about this mission—"
She hit him in the face without breaking stride. "Actually, I don't want to talk to you," said Jane. "You are old and not attractive."
"I like your logic," said Jenkins as Dr. Chakwas looked piffy.
"What's going on here?" asked Jane, walking up to them.
"Private Jenkins is itching for some real action," said the good doctor.
"Yeah, I am itching." Jenkins drooled at Shepard's incredibly perfect chest. "For some real…action."
"Rolls her eyes," said Jane, and walked past them into Commander Anderson's…private area…. The floor was strewn with bootylishus magazines and strange white crusty clods of toilet paper. Nihilus was sitting on the edge of the desk. He scraped up a smear of white stuff on one claw and sniffed it. Still appearing unsure he opened his mouth and—
"I wouldn't do that if I were you," said Jane.
Nilhus jumped in surprise. He wiped his hand off on the desk. "And why—"unfortunately he only landed his palm in another pool of white stuff. "—would you say that," he finished, wiping his hands on the walls but only succeeding in getting even more of the white stuff on them. Jane watched, transfixed.
"Because this is captain Anderson's…private area…" SYNTH.
"Oh." Nallus promptly threw up. Then he pointed to some images of a barren red planet with horrible floating lumps of flesh everywhere. "This world we're going to, Eden…Prime…" he threw up again as he peeled a stained and crusty magazine out of the buildup on the floor. "I've heard it's quite beautiful." Not listening for Jane's reply, he opened the magazine, closed just as quickly, and threw it across the room. Then he threw up again and collapsed in a dehydrated heap.
"Looks at the screens," said Jane. And then, "I don't know, it looks kind of like hell to me. Also, I'm a Marine, not some tourist on vacation." She began to size Nilhouse up again. "Maybe not as beautiful as you, though…"
"Uh huh." Nihlas watched her warily. He had had experience with human perversion before, being an unattainable alien with a sexy voice and almost no personality; the perfect prey for fan girls and even fan boys if you were unsure and waif-like enough to activate their rock hard protection boners.
"It's more than just a tourist destination though, isn't it? Eden Prime is proof that humans can have colonies, and even have people that live on those colonies. But how safe is it really?"
"Are you threatening me?" asked Jane. "Because if you were, I would have sex with you."
Nihilius shook his head. "Yeah, no."
Suddenly Captain Anderson walked in, his boots squelching on the crusty floor. "I think it's time we told the commander what's really going on."
"No," said Nihlus. He began to walk out of the room. Shepard wolf whistled and he cringed violently. Captain Anderson grabbed him by the arm and roughly pushed him back into the room whilst talking to Jane. "We're going to pick up a beacon on Eden Prime and Nihlus wants to watch to see if you can become a Specter."
"I have a thousand questions," said Jane.
"Shut up," said the Captain.
"So Nihlus is going to watch, hm…?" she winked at the turian. "Do you like to watch?"
"You're disgusting," said Nihihluis. He pointed at the room and its crusty build up. "But not quite as disgusting as Anderson. That's why I put your name forwards as a candidate for the specters."
"I could have been a specter," put in Anderson.
"Shut up."
"But you're a turian," said Jane. "Why would you want a human specter?"
"Is that a trick question?" asked the Turian. "I mean, I want you to be a spectre, but I don't want you."
"WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME!" screamed Jane, spraying hot pocket innards all over Nihlus's face.
"I DON'T NEED A GOD DAMN REASON!" NIlhus shook her off as she tried to grope him. Jane staggered backwards, her field pack busting open, spilling an entire years worth of a magazine called Playalien all over the white sodden floor.
"OH MY GOD!" said Captian Anderson. "The Commander is a xenophile!"
"So is everyone that plays this game!" said Nihlus, pointing directly at the camera. "You fucking furries!"
"What's a furry?" asked Jane.
Nihlus glared at her. "You. You are."
"Then what am I?"
He sneered. "I'm surprised you don't know really well, considering you took about five pages to describe yourself."
"Whatever," said Jane, collecting her Fornax mags. "I can love who I want to."
"GUIS GUIS" screamed Joker. "Transmission from Eden Prime sir, you'd better see—"
"ON SCREEN" roared Captain Anderson. "AND I WANT YOUR RESIGNATION ON MY DESK TOMORROW!"
"I'm SORRY SIR WAAAAAAAH what did I DO!" cried Joker before he shut of the radio.
A generic, blurry, shaky cam 'last mysterious transmission' video played. Everyone watched and yawned.
"Ah, classic bioware," said Anderson. "This Mission just a whole lot more …I don't know, stupid. Whatever."
"A small strike team of only three people against five hundred unknown enemies can move quickly," said Nihlus. "It's even better if they're one lone guy; the odds of survival increase to the power of the ratio of the enemy troops to our troops."
"Really?"
"Well, yes, except in the rare case of plot twist. But I doubt that's going to happen."
"I also doubt this," said Jane. "I'm sure this mission is going to be pretty easy. After all, I'm only level one."
"Yeah I don't care," said Nihlus and left.
"Ah, more classic bioware. Assemble your team, Commander," said Anderson. "And leave me one of thosepornos."
After a boring space sequence they appeared in the hanger bay, flying through the air at 120 mph while 100 feet above ground.
"Get to the colony and check that shit," ordered Anderson.
"What about survivors?" asked Kaiden, because he was a liberal scum bag.
"Shut your mouth, Lieutenant," said Anderson. "Your priority is the beacon."
"Nihlus!" asked Jenkins in his retarded stupid voice. "You coming with us?"
"I move faster on my own," said Nihlus, priming his shotgun.
"I thought you wanted to 'watch' me," said Jane seductively. Kaidan rolled his eyes and wiped some sweat off his forehead.
"No, I changed my mind," said Nihlus. "In fact I've decided to un-recommend you from the Specters when the mission is over. I'm just going to go for a walk while you guys get yourselves killed."
"Really?" asked Jane flirtily.
"Yes," said Nihlus, and jumped 100 feet out of the ship, narrowly missing her hand as she groped for his ass.
Shortly thereafter they landed. Jane looked around.
"What are those?" she asked Kaiden, pointing to the large floating testicles.
"Gas bags," he said. "They're harmless."
"I see." Jane shot all of them, and then they proceeded on.
The End