Hello lovelies! I am here with a quick one shot to celebrate our beloved Remus Lupin's birthday! It hasn't been beta'd, it's barely been reread by me. So...forgive any mistakes. Seriously I'll get around to fixing them...eventually. In the meantime...sorry.
Disclaimer: If you recognize it, it's not mine. Except for one part of the plot that I stole from one of my own OUAT fics so...yeah that's mine. But otherwise no, not mine. :)
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Hermione shook her head as she strode quickly away from the apparition point on the corner of their quiet street, her arm plunged up to her elbow into her undetectably expanded purse.
"Of all the things to forget-"
She jolted to a halt as she rounded the corner of their townhouse. There had been the distinct shimmer of disillusioned bodies outside the kitchen window as she passed.
She pulled her wand cautiously and continued to the front door nonchalantly, muttering under her breath as she always did, preparing herself for whatever lay ahead. She cast nonverbal Muggle Repellant and Notice Me Not charms so as not to alarm their neighbors before disappearing silently.
"Expelliarmus!"
Twin high pitched shrieks muffled slightly by the brick of the townhouse, sounded in her ears and the shimmer of disillusioned legs kicking in surprise confused her for a moment before she cast a quick finite.
"Remus?! Sirius?!"
"Hallo there, love!" Sirius, or his backside at least, greeted her cheerily. His front half was hanging inside their kitchen window, wedged in next to his best friend and fellow Marauder.
"Hello, Hermione. This really isn't what it looks like." She could practically hear the resigned acceptance in his voice.
"Really, Remus? Because it looks like you two came home early, couldn't get past my wards and decided to try your hand at Muggle breaking and entering. And failing spectacularly, might I add."
There was silence for a beat before the second set of legs went slack. "Oh. Well, then yes I guess it's exactly what it looks like then."
Hermione rubbed her temples for a moment and sucked in a deep breath through her nose. "Do I even want to know why?"
"Well-"
"Moony! Don't you dare! It's a covert mission!" Sirius's legs flailed about spastically and Hermione bit her lip to contain her giggles. He truly was an animated person who, apparently, was able to talk with any limb available to him.
"Padfoot! It's Hermione! Do you really want her to hex you? Again?"
"Depends. Are you wearing those fetching red heels, darling?"
A quick stinging hex to his bum cause a chain reaction of yelps, wiggling, squishing of valuable parts (according to Sirius), more yelps, more wiggling, and a very intense bollocking from Hermione that may have ended with two very limp sets of legs dangling from the kitchen window and silence descending on the trio.
"Now, if you two will cease your tedious, childish…. nonsense...I will expand the window and you can get yourselves out. Alright?" Hermione nearly growled, her more canine tendencies coming to the fore in the annoyance.
"Yes, mother." Sirius's mumbled agreement meant that when the window was expanded suddenly, he was left to tumble backward without and support to land flat on his back with an overexaggerated 'oof'.
Remus, however, was levitated gently to the ground.
"Come on, you miscreants. I have things to do and if you get in my way, Merlin help you!"
Remus held a hand out for Sirius who grabbed it gratefully and popped up from the ground, brushing off his trousers with a huge grin on his face.
"Oi, mate! Did you see the heels?!"
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A soft knock on the study door heralded Hermione's arrival.
"Do you think she's still mad at us?"
"No, but I think she can hear you. You two forget that I have enhanced hearing as well."
Remus waved his hand and the door swished open silently. She poked her head around the frame and cocked an eyebrow at the duo. "Chess? How drunk is Remus that you actually think you can win Siri?"
"For your information, Kitten-"
"What is that smell?!"
Hermione giggled as she pranced across the room, a chocolate something covered in chocolate with chocolate somethings on top levitated along behind her. Remus's mouth watered visibly and he swallowed audibly.
"Oh, this? This is just something I whipped up. Happy birthday, Professor." Her voice had dropped and Remus's mouth was now watering for a whole different reason, his eyes flashing amber in the low firelight.
Sirius leaned back in the overstuffed chair and lazily waved his hand, moving the chessboard somewhere out of the way, though he couldn't be bothered to see where it ended up. He summoned tumblers and a bottle of Firewhiskey to be ready when his mates were.
"Oh, Miss Granger. I'm not sure you followed the recipe quite correctly. I do believe that you need to be...punished." The rumble in his voice made her shiver in anticipation as she slowly approached him, popping her hip coyly as she stood before him.
"What would you have me do, Sir?"
A dark grin overtook his face as he glanced at his brother in all but blood. "What say you, Padfoot? What should we do with our witch?"
"It's your birthday, Moony. But I must say, I do love those heels."
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"Mmmm."
Hermione cringed as a soft tongue licked at her shoulder. "Remus, cut it out!"
"But Mia! You taste so good!"
"He's right, love." Sirius's soft rasp followed his fellow Marauder as he placed a delicate nibble along her collarbone. "You are positively delicious."
"Only because you slathered me with every bit of that cake last night! I dread to think of what the sheets look like!" Hermione rolled onto her back, huffing out a sigh as Sirius followed, pillowing his head on her chest. "I feel like I'm laying on some kind of very odd, very lovely smelling dirt."
"You're the best though. Thank you for making my birthday one of the best." Remus shoved Sirius's shaggy head to one side and laid on one of Hermione's breasts as he grinned up at her boyishly.
"I love you, Remus John Lupin. Never forget that." She pulled him up for a smoldering kiss, huffing in annoyance as Sirius exaggeratedly cleared his throat. "And I love you too, you great annoying git!"
"Oi! Now, wait just one bloody minute! I-"
A strange 'guk' sound seemed to get stuck in Sirius's throat as Hermione threw off the sheet and bounced to her feet, strutting in all her naked glory to the bathroom. "I'm going for a shower. I wonder who's going to join me…"
The two Marauders looked at each other for a moment as she disappeared behind the door, sizing each other up as their hands crept toward their wands.
Hermione giggled softly as she caught the muffled sounds of yelps and thumps as her two lovers fought like children on the other side of the door, leaving her to shower blissfully alone.