A long time ago, in ancient China . . .
PO WARS
Episode I: The Phantom Shenace
Turmoil has engulfed the Masters' Council. The taxation of silk trade routes has caused a crisis on Nabeijing. The Crocodile Bandit Federation has created a blockade to do something evil. It's probably related to economics or whatever.
Two Jade-i Kung Fu masters have been sent to settle the dispute, hoping that they will not have to fight their way out of a situation in which everyone is shooting at them. Meanwhile, everyone in the Federation is preparing to shoot at them . . .
***PW***
Master Oogwon Jinn and his Pandawan, Shifu-Wan Kenobi, were led into a dark room by a a protocol duck. She smiled and gestured to a long table with her wing.
"Make yourselves at home. Fung will be with you shortly," she quacked.
Oogwon sat down. He noticed that Shifu-Wan's ears were twitching nervously.
"Something is troubling you."
Shifu-Wan fidgeted.
"I sense a sinister plot. Not here, but-"
Oogwon lifted a claw.
"Shifu-Wan, do not focus on the future."
"Master Mantis says that I must be prepared for-"
"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. There is only the now."
"Yes, Master. I'm just worried that this trade dispute will escalate into something cataclysmic."
Oogwon smiled.
"Remember, Shifu-Wan, nothing is the end of the world except the end of the world. The power of Kung Fu will guide us."
Shifu-Wan nodded.
"I hope you're right."
***PW***
Unbeknownst to the Jade-i, the crocs were hatching a devious plot. They knelt in front of a scroll-ogram, which depicted a hooded figure. The stranger stepped forward, revealing an armored talon.
"What news have you brought me?" he whispered.
Fung gulped.
"Uh, there's two Jade-i Knights waiting in the conference room. One of them is a red panda."
"A PANDA?!" the figure spat, "That's impossible!"
Fung shook his paws.
"No, no, no! Not a panda: a red panda. They're not related to pandas at all. In fact, they're closer to raccoons than bears. Actually, pandas aren't bears either-"
"SILENCE!" the figure boomed, "Kill these Jade-i so that I may proceed with my plan. I want that treaty signed!"
Fung nodded.
"Yes, my Shenperor. It will be done."
The crocs sent their protocol duck to the conference room with tea for the Jade-i. They did not attempt to poison the beverage. Fung stated that the reason for this was that he believed the Jade-i would detect the ruse, but really, he was just kind of dumb. That may have been why he ordered his minions to blow up the Jade-i ship instead of assassinating the obvious threat that was in no position to fight back. He then pumped the conference room full of poisonous gas, which would take a very, very long time to kill the two guests. After about thirty seconds, he gave a crocodilian smile and tented his fingers.
"They must be dead by now. Destroy what's left of them."
The door operator blinked.
"Uh . . . Are you sure you don't want to wait a few minutes?"
"Why?"
"Well, they might be holding their breath or something."
"But we waited thirty seconds."
The door operator laced his claws together.
"I'm not trying to cramp your style or anything, but wouldn't it be better to make sure they're dead? What if they can hold their breath for a long time?"
"They aren't dolphins!"
"Yeah, but some people train in static apnea, so they can hold their breath for-"
"STOP QUESTIONING MY LEADERSHIP AND OPEN THE DOOR!"
The operator nodded. He opened the entrance, to reveal . . . nothing.
"WHAT?!" Fung shouted.
He peeked into the room. There was a hole in the wall opposite them.
"Oh, no! They got out!" Fung gasped, "In hindsight, I probably should have known that they'd Kung Fu their way through the wall instead of, you know, just waiting to die . . . I'd also like to point out that opening the door early gave us a chance to discover their escape, which was my plan the whole time."
A crocodile with machinery in her mouth rounded the corner.
"Sir! Dey've gone up da ventilation shaft!"
Fung gasped.
"This is terrib- Uh, I mean . . . I planned for this all along. Send our ducks down to the planet."
"But we're miles away from the city-"
"THEY CAN WALK."
"What if the Jade-i are on one of the cargo ships?"
Fung laughed.
"Oh, please! What are the odds of that?"
Meanwhile, on a cargo ship, Oogwon Jinn and Shifu-Wan were spying on a group of ducks who were preparing to land in a dense forest.
"Master, where are they going?" Shifu-Wan whispered.
"To invade the planet. Princess Panmidala and her men are no match for their army."
Shifu-Wan looked down with a furrowed brow.
"Should we follow them?"
Oogwon nodded.
"Perhaps. If we land on the planet, help will come."
"How can you be certain?"
"The power of Kung Fu will guide us."
"Is that your excuse for everything?"
Oogwon smiled and put his hand on Shifu-Wan's shoulder.
"Yes."