Disclamerdo not own By Your Side, Tenth Avenue North does.
Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face.
Just don't turn away…
Why is it so hard for them to like me? Is it something I did? Why can't they love me? I have done everything they've asked of me, but it doesn't seem to be enough. Would they be happier if I got down on my knees and bowed to them? Personally they don't deserve it, but it seems that if I could just please them once, they'll care. Am I not what they expected? Hey, sorry I couldn't be beautiful and gorgeous like the people on the big screen, but I mean, I'm not terrifyingly ugly…am I? Did I cry too much as a baby? Is that why? Please, anything to help me figure it out! I will do whatever to be what you want me to be, please…
FireFang could hear footsteps behind her in the grass. She turned and saw Michelle make her way over to where I was in the lot. The sun had already gone down about an hour ago, and she was now lying in the grass looking up at the stars.
"Hey, Fire , how's it goin'?"
"It's goin', okay, I guess."
She sat down next to me and I could feel her watching me look up at the stars. She's so lucky. She has her sisters to love her. At least FireFang knows Michelle will always be there when she wants to talk. I've talked to her about what's been going on in my life, but I feel I talk and talk and talk and I'm wasting his time. But this is really bugging me…
"Fire, is something wrong?" Michelle asked lying down on her side to look at me. I hesitated then looked over at her. I could just make out her face from the street lights. She looked concerned and at the same time calm. Like she knew what was coming. But she didn't look annoyed at all; if she was Michelle didn't show it. "Come on Fire, you can tell me. I'm here to listen."
FireFang took a deep breath and turned over to her side to face her. "I…I don't know what to do."
Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child?
Tell me where will you run?
To where will you run…
Fire told her everything she'd been wondering. Michelle just sat and listened. She didn't gaze off into the night or mess with the grass, she barely moved. She watched Fire intently with her brown eyes.
When she finished Fire took a deep breath and looked up at her. She sat up and stared across the lot. Fire waited for Michelle to say something, but she just sat there.
"Michelle, hey, you there?" Fire asked waving her hand in front of her best friend. She turned her head and looked fire in the eyes.
"Fire, you shouldn't have to change for someone so they like you. I'm surprised that you're even worried about how you look. And you shouldn't have to kiss their feet for them to love you. You've got the gang, we're here for you. Fire, you are more than what others think of you. We all love you for who you are."
Fire sat there speechless. I didn't know Michelle was that frustrated with me. She didn't even let her friend say anything before she continued.
"What's going to happen if you change so drastically for them, but they still don't care? And you've changed so much that we don't even know who you are anymore? Fire, you are a great person. It's not your fault that they can't see that."
Fire took it in, all of it and it hurt.
And I'll be by your side,
Wherever you fall,
In the dead of night,
Whenever you call,
And please don't fight,
These hands that are holding you.
My hands are holding you.
"I don't know if I can take much more of it though Michelle. It's taken over my life and I don't know what to do! I can't figure out why they hate me!" Fire blurted out before she could stop herself. She felt like the monster that was inside of her had finally been yanked out. But what was left was pain.
"Fire…" Michelle began, but she cut her off.
"No, Michelle, I don't want that "it's not your fault" crap! I've heard it before and I've been hearing it. I don't want just words, I want actions. I want to do something about it. What if it really is my fault? What if it's possible that I could've done something wrong to bring them to hate me so much?" She took a deep breath and Fire did something she hadn't done in a long time. She cried. She let it spill out and fire didn't try to stop it. Michelle put her arm around her friends shoulders and tried to calm her down.
"Fire, I'm here I will always be here for you. And I know I've said this but you know our doors always open to you. It honestly bothers us that you feel like you're a burden, because you're not. You're like a sister to us and we would do anything for you. We will always catch you when you fall and we won't let go."
She squeezed her shoulder and Fire started to calm down. She could feel her warmth from her body and she could feel the strength of her strong hands holding her up. Just like she said she would.
Look at these hands and my side;
They swallowed the grave on that night.
When I drank the world's sin,
So I could carry you in,
And give you life.
I want to give you life.
"Fire, I'm not the only one who can support you. Neither is the gang, there is someone else."
Fire looked at Michelle confused, but then Fire realized what She meant.
"But how I am I worthy enough to be loved by Him?" She asked.
"Well He is one person who won't judge you for who you are. He is stronger than anyone in the gang and He can protect you better than we can. You just gotta let Him in. You know what I think we need? I have been sitting here saying don't let anyone judge, but it's exactly what I did." Michelle stood up and helped Fire up to her feet. Fire was confused on what she was talking about, but she explained.
"Fire, you've been staying away from going to church because you didn't want people to judge you." She said smiling. Fire realized in that second that God is the only one who can judge her and He loves her no matter what sh3 look like. I'm his child, and he has an unending love for me.
"Michelle thank you, if it wasn't for you I don't know where I'd be. You are a great friend." Fire grabbed her and pulled her into a hug. She didn't want to let her go.
Michelle never forgot about that talk with her. Even now as she lay there in the hospital feeling her body weaken every second, she never forgot. She knew she'll be loved where she's gone and I know that God gave me the gang to help me through it all. Without them I wouldn't have made it this far. Without Michelle I would've never have found the streangth to continue. I am thankful for everything they've done for me. Others may have hated me, but I found more love in the form of loud, rough-housing greaser boys.
As I wrote my annual story to Michelle I thought of the time we spent together however short it was, the long nights at the hospital, and watching the sunsets from the window. I may have lived a hard life, dealt with Socs whose eyes were clouded with vanity, but it was worth it, all of it.
But here's my advice for you. Love everyone; don't let the world's view on things shield you from the truth. Most important, love yourself, it's a harsh world, but we all need to find that one person who loves us the most. He is waiting for us all to find Him. I found Him and I'll never forget what he has done for me. I'm gunna miss my friends. But I just hope that they can find that one person, because it would be great to be with them again when it's all said and done.
And I'll be by your side,
Wherever you fall,
In the dead of night,
Whenever you call,
And please don't fight,
These hands that are holding you.
My hands are holding you.