Hi everyone. So I finally decided to try and post my first downton fic, it scares me a little (Ok, a lot !), but I wanted to share what I imagined with Mary and Tom.
Every chapters will be a drabble, based on a post I read on tumblr « one hundred ways to say 'i love you' ». I think it will always be brary, so if you don't like it you're warned.
English is not my first language, so I apology for any mistake I might do.
Hope you'll like it.
This scene take place during the second birthday of George.
Mary left the party during the afternoon. Only Tom saw it, but he understood why, he knew her well and guessed where she went. At first he thought about letting her alone, but then he told himself he shouldn't, not when he saw her huge sadness when she left, he couldn't bear imagine her crying alone. In addition it was unusually cold outside for the season an she didn't take her coat.
He joined her on the bench where she was sitting, Matthew's bench. He could see her shivering from far. He sat down at her side after putting his coat on her shoulders.
They stayed silent for a moment. No one needed to say anything, they understood each other too well. It wasn't an heavy silence, just a silence of grief. The only presence of Tom calmed Mary when she was upset like now.
Finally Mary spoke, Tom was her confident and she needed to talk to someone. She trusted him.
« I'm feeling so empty and … sad. But I shouldn't, it's George birthday. I love seeing him happy, but there is always that shadow over my mind.
I wanted to get away a little bit, I didn't bear all these people anymore, they were all too happy, like I should have been but I was not, I was feeling so out of place. I needed to be alone. I know it's stupid and selfish, and George didn't ask for this; it's not his fault. »
« Not at all, Mary I fully understand, believe me. But you see, one day a young woman, very clever and nice, come to me when I was in this state of mind. She made me smile, and ask me not to withdraw into myself and stay alone thinking I wasn't at my place in this family. That woman get me out of this dark place where I was; and when I feel I'm close to going back there I think of her or go to see her and she bring me back my smile and my courage to keep going.
I understood something then: There will always be her memory, especially on Sybil's birthday, but it doesn't prevent me from being happy, Sybil would want me to be, and I'm sur Matthew wants it too. You don't have, neither do I, to feel guilty.
« Tom you know that's true, you're part of the family, I didn't say it just so you felt better, I meant it. »
« I think I know it now, back when you told me I thought it was to cheer me up; but now I know. All of you, you're my family, and you Mary, are my anchor on who I can lean on when I'm feeling bad, when it's too hard. And I hope I can be the same for you »
« Of course you are, you're the only one who really understand me. But I'm not as strong as you, I don't know if I could ever be happy again without his shadow over me, his memory, without feeling guilty. I don't think I can think of him without getting sad. »
« It's okay to feel this way. And of course you're strong enough, with time and remembering him with people who will remind you the good memories; remembering him in a good way, it will hurt less and less. Better days are coming. Believe me, there have been a time I was thinking I could never live without her, when it was too hard, it hurt too much. But fortunately you were there. There is still moments like that when the sadness take me suddenly in a moment I didn't expect it, I'm not saying there won't be, but they will hurt less and less. And in these moments you have to try to hang on what make you feel happy. A day like today you have to try to remember the good memories, and to focus on the joy it also represent. Remember how you were both happy when you introduce him his son, he was so proud to be a father. He told me that a few weeks before, afraid for you but impatient and happy; and look at the wonderful little boy George is today. By celebrating his birthday you're thinking of Matthew and you honor him.
Moving on doesn't mean you forget about things. It just means you have to accept what happened and continue living.
But Mary that's absolutely not stupid or selfish to feeling sad and go away from the party a moment. You have the right to feel that way, and you also have the right to cry, I know it's not easy for you to let your emotions go out but sometimes let it go is doing good. You don't have to be ashamed of showing your emotions, certainly not to me, you don't have to be ashamed of feeling. Don't be ashamed of your emotions, for the good or bad don't need to hide, you're allowed to feel the way you do. I know, you're an english woman who is bashful especially when it comes to emotions, but never forget that I'm here for you if you want to talk, or even cry, or just have the presence of someone who understand you. »
Mary catch Tom's hand and squeeze it to thank him, emotion tightening her throat. He stroked the back of her hand with his thumb in answer to comfort her.
When he felt she was feeling better and she had pulled herself together, he stood up without letting her hand go, he smiled and said gently
« Come on, I'll walk you home. »
Mary smiled back, more peaceful and ready to appreciate the end of the day. She slid her arm under his while they walked back home.
Maybe with Tom's support she could overcome the loss of her husband, he will stay forever the man she loved more than anything, but it was time to move on. Tom became more than a friend, he was her confidant, her rock the day it was too hard, the person she trust the most and who she could tell everything.
In fact, he was the most important man in his life.