A bit of an introduction: To the people of FSN fandom, this is my first FSN fanfic, if you don't count by Fate-Code Geass project. This story is essentially an AU fic or better known as a crack fic. Crack doesn't essentially mean comedy. This story carries more or less the same amount of seriousness as the original Nasu-work, except the concept of magic doesn't exist in this AU.

Characters and Shipping Warnings: The characters in this story are from both Zero and Stay Night. Perhaps, a few of the F/HA characters may appear as I read 50% of it before I stopped as I wanted to wait for the full translation.

The shipping will be Shirou Multi (can be called Harem, but it's a strong word), Kiritsugu X Irisviel and perhaps some one-sided Taiga X Kiritsugu.

The ages will remain the same as the canon except for Illya's. I'll mess with her age a bit to make her Shirou's younger sister.

The story will have a lot of things in common with the canon, but it would be really different.

Now, let's begin the party.

Prologue

The Fire and the Chalice

Ten years ago…

27th April, 2003. A huge explosion that took place in a chemical industry took the lives of two hundred people. The factory produced Caprolactam, the production of which involved the oxidation of few dangerous chemicals. The vapor leaked through a crack in the pipeline that seemed to have been tampered from the outside. The vapors spread to the nearby residential district, and soon caught fire.

The middle-aged man watched the destruction before him with mouth that was wide open and eyes that could only cry at the sight of the disaster.

A huge fire engulfed the entire region like a wildfire. Buildings were no longer buildings, they turned desolate. Some collapsed, while some were crumbling down slowly. Many charred bodies could be found inside the burnt apartments, as the fire hit them in the middle of the night. Some, who woke up after the explosion and tried to escape, died under the collapsing structures and were buried inside the rubble. Some died, thanks to the poisonous smoke that was born from it.

The man tried to save whoever he spotted in the destruction, but only in vain. Whoever he touched were already dead and dissolved into ashes.

The man caught his head in despair as he screamed and cried. All of that destruction would normally move a few people. Some people would simply run away from it, in order to save their own lives. Some would be terrified.

But for the man named Kiritsugu, what filled his heart was despair and agony that resulted from guilt. Yes, he was guilty as he was responsible for all the destruction around. He was responsible for two hundred people who would never see the dawn again. He was responsible for destroying the opportunity to live for two hundred people. And worse, there would be a high number of casualties among those who would survive. When they curse god for the fate they have been put through, he would have to bear the weight.

"Everything…" his breath was ragged. "Everything…," his eyes turned to the golden object in his hands. "Everything for this…" he muttered with disgust. "Goddamned thing." He wanted to throw the object into the fire as it was the reason the flames took birth in the first place.

It was then did he hear the faint cry for help.

"S-S-Save m-me…" a voice yearned for his help. It was so faint that he could barely hear it over the cackling of fire around him.

Kiritsugu didn't waste a moment after that. Tossing the golden chalice into the rubble nearby he ran to the source of the voice that called for help.

In his life, he never had a happier moment. His body that was by now, more than exhausted gained new energy from nowhere. His heart that slowed down, drowning with the hope he was steadily losing, rose up.

A boy, who was no more than eight, was lying on the rubble. His hand that was risen up in the air, yearning for help, told Kiritsugu that the boy was alive. But as Kiritsugu approached him, the boy's consciousness began to fade, his hand drooped down, and his brown eyes were slowly closing to embrace the fate he believed was given to him.

Kiritsugu clasped the boy's hand. He saw the boy struggle his eyes open to see him. "You're alive," Kiritsugu cried as he felt the boy's hands against his cheek. "You're alive," he repeated. He was happy, as though, it wasn't the boy who was saved, but Kiritsugu himself.

Chapter One

Five years ago…

It was a rainy day in Fuyuki City. The evening sky turned into a gloomy, fading blue color. The hilly area behind Ryuudou Temple was damp, and the beautiful flowers that decorated the pathway were drowning in the rainwater.

Two men raced through the path that took them deep inside into the Kishima forest. They were drenched, for having been in the rain for more than an hour. But the men hardly paid any attention to it.

"Do you think this is the right place?" The red-haired man asked as they trudged their way through the damp mud.

The black-haired man who led the way stopped. He turned back, giving the redhead a devious smile. "There's no need to panic, Ryuunosuke," the man's hands carried something the size of a five year old child, covered in a blanket filled with red stains. "The police won't be able to track us all the way up here."

"What are we doing near a temple anyway, Mr. Bluebeard?" The redhead's careless attitude slowly returned to his face, now that he felt they were safe.

The man named Bluebeard had a crooked smile on his face. The man had a crooked face to begin with. He had bulging eyes that seemed as if they were pop out of their sockets anytime. He had a hunched back, and his nails were as long as a beast's claws. At a glance, no sane person would think he was human, but he indeed was biologically, if not by character.

"Haven't you heard, Ryuunosuke?" The man narrowed his eyes. "About the graveyard behind Ryuudou temple."

"Graveyard," Ryuunosuke blinked. "Here?" He looked around. The place certainly didn't carry the atmosphere of one.

"That way," Bluebeard pointed at something distant with his chin.

The duo raced in the direction the monstrous looking man pointed. Soon, they have indeed hit upon a graveyard, if one could call it one. It contained no more than a couple of grave stones.

"Hiding a dead body in a graveyard," Ryuunosuke looked delighted. He snapped his fingers and gave Bluebeard a thumbs- up. "You're so cool, man!"

The said man however wasn't in the mood to listen to his assistant's praise. He moved around the perimeter, scanning for something. The redhead noticing this asked, "What are you searching, man?"

"Hmm," The Bluebeard hummed impatiently. His eyes shone with delight when he spotted something. "Ryuunosuke," he pointed to a particular spot that was seemed to have been dug up and then tilled flat.

He anticipated there would be something like that. Normally people who couldn't afford a ceremony dig up a hole themselves and bury the body. The local cemetery wouldn't allow this, but the secret spot behind Ryuudouji was a perfect spot for this. He'd hide the dead body in his hands in the one spot no one would ever look, someone else's grave.

The redhead who saw that understood the Bluebeard's idea. "Let's get into digging then," he said as he soiled his hands with the wet mud and began digging. The black-haired man then began the same after setting the body he carried in his hands aside.

As the two men raced their hands through the mud, pulling out as much as possible before the rain water clogged into it, their hands soon hit with a hard object underneath. The two men exchanged glances as they both felt the solid object underneath the thin layer of mud.

Either of them had the same expression on their faces. A wondrous hope that they might have hit on a big treasure. They continued to dig at a faster pace until a golden surface showed itself amidst the dirt.

Like a hungry wolf, they plowed the rest of the mud around the object, and soon the Bluebeard found himself holding a golden cup in his hands.

"Ryuunosuke," his voice shook as he felt the precious object. The cup was made of pure gold, that didn't carry even a single scratch despite being buried in the mud. It was studded with diamonds of various colors giving the chalice a magical glow when the dim sunlight fell upon it.

Either man looked at each other, speechless. They both knew what this meant.

They just hit the jackpot.

Presently…

The Emiya House was a simple two-storied building that stood in the residential district of Miyami amidst a couple of other middleclass houses. The neighborhood was known for its peacefulness, especially at six in the morning.

There was a knock on the door.

The lean, tall man walked over to the entrance. But instead of simply opening the door, he lifted up one of the curtain to see who was waiting outside. The man carried a sense of fear in his eyes, and his hands constantly shook as if he were trembling from something.

There was no one near the door. It made the man frown. Why would anyone knock the door and go away without waiting for someone to answer it? Could it be one of his enemies who were sent to kill him? Could it be that they've placed a bomb at his porch and ran away?

As his thoughts drifted off in that direction, the front door opened abruptly. Terrified, the man took the nearest weapon, a flower vase and turned towards the door and found a redhead who was looking at him strangely.

"Shirou," Kiritsugu sighed in relief, but then his muscles stiffened when he realized what his son was about to do. "Don't go out."

"Hmm?" The redhead raised an eyebrow.

"Someone knocked the door," Kiritsugu said in a voice that was almost a whisper. "They could've left a bomb to kill us."

The redhead wide opened the door, not heeding his father's advice. He stooped down and took something that was left on the ground by the door. "It's just the milkman, Jii-san." The redhead showed him two packets of white milk. "They don't normally wait till you open the door."

Eighteen year old Shirou couldn't help but smile at the face his father made after that. The old man felt slightly embarrassed that his fears were just another of his over-imaginations. But more than that there was relief on his face as something dangerous didn't happen.

"I'll start making breakfast," Shirou told walking towards the kitchen. Shirou was the chef in the house not just because he liked cooking but because Kiritsugu's cooking was terrible. He walked into the kitchen, wore his apron and resumed his post. "You're up so early today," he said when he saw Kiritsugu walk into the living room.

The black-haired man didn't pay much attention to him as he was deep in thought.

Emiya Kiritsugu was a strange man, even according to his son. He had a disheveled black hair that he had long since forgotten to comb or trim. His beard was the same except Shirou forced his father once in a month to shave. He had a physical structure that showed he was well built in his younger days, and had black eyes that constantly scanned everything around him. His hands always shook because of his anxiety issues.

The house was silent, unlike its daily routine. But Shirou smiled because the silence would end about in—

"Good morning!" The front door was barged open with a great force and a familiar woman stormed inside.

Shirou walked out of the kitchen to greet his favorite glutton homeroom teacher. "Morning, Fuji-nee!"

It was Saturday that day, but Fuji-nee made it a habit to visit them every day even if it were a working day or not. Of course their usual breakfast crew had one more person, but the said person usually didn't show up on weekends.

Shirou expected his Jii-san to greet Fuji-nee as usual, but the old man instead shifted his attention to Shirou. "Shirou," he asked. "Didn't you lock the main door, earlier?"

"I left it open because Fuji-nee was going to come anyway," Shirou replied. The old man put a disappointed face and walked to the main entrance to close the door.

"Is he still doing that?" Fuji-nee asked as soon as Kiritsugu left.

Shirou sighed, "He thought someone was going to bomb us today."

The woman's ever cheerful smile disappeared at that. "We should show him to the psychiatrist again."

Shirou nodded at this. Both he and Fuji-nee had already showed Kiritsugu to a psychiatrist despite him claiming that he was perfectly fine. Kiritsugu had a sense of paranoia that was deep inculcated in his mind and played with his imagination, the psychiatrist deduced.

Shirou had no clue as for why his otherwise healthy father turned into someone who mistrusted each and every person in the neighborhood. He hardly set his foot outside the house anymore, and whenever he spoke to someone he ended up giving them strange threats.

It all began five years ago, Shirou remembered. On a rainy day…

Five Years Ago…

It was a rainy day. Twelve year old Shirou stood by the window as he watched the rain drench everything outside. There were hardly any people on the road, as most of them preferred staying inside.

"We bring this new from Shinto. A seven-year old girl has been kidnapped by two suspicious looking men. The police have last spotted them near the Fuyuki Bridge and have sent a search team for catching the two about four hours ago but nothing has been…"

The news on the television disturbed Shirou. He wished if there was a way he could save the girl. But he knew there was nothing he could do to save her when the police themselves were having a hard time.

"Fuyuki's getting dangerous lately," nineteen year old Fuji-nee, who was watching the news, commented. "I hope Kiritsugu stays out of trouble."

"Where did Jii-san go?" Shirou asked, trying to put his mind away from the news.

"The same place he goes every time it rains hard," she said, not taking her eyes from the television. "I wonder what's so important in that graveyard for him. We should totally investigate it one day."

Shirou nodded.

At that moment, Shirou heard a clicking sound from the entrance. The noise from the incessant rain drops hit his ears, indicating that someone just opened the door.

"Kiritsugu?" Fuji-nee said, giving Shirou a glance.

Shirou immediately went for Kiritsugu's towel, which he left in his bedroom. As he collected the cloth and proceeded to the living room, he heard Fuji-nee exclaim. "Kiritsugu!"

The redhead hurried to the entrance and found Fuji-nee holding onto a collapsing Kiritsugu. "Jii-san!" Shirou threw the towel and jumped to help his older sister.

Shirou looked at the old man who was thoroughly wet from being in the rain for so long. But more than that, what Shirou noticed was the dreaded look on his face.

"Jii-san?" He wondered what happened to him. He scanned his father for any injuries, but found nothing obvious.

"I-It's gone," Kiritsugu's lips quivered as he repeated. "I…It's gone."

Shirou didn't know what was gone. Kiritsugu never answered the question. But since then, he spent less time in the house. The more time he spent searching for what Shirou didn't know, the more scared he became. Soon after that, Kiritsugu hardly ventured outside. A constant fear that someone was coming to destroy his family (if one could call an adopted son that) engulfed him.

Shirou was devastated because he never knew what haunted the man who saved him from the burning hell. He took it as his responsibility to repay his father the favor by looking after him.

But at the same time, the murders in Fuyuki escalated to a high rate. Women and children mysteriously disappeared one after the other. It was then, Shirou came to a resolve.

His father once told him he was a secret agent of some sort, but he never mentioned the details about it. Shirou didn't know what exactly it meant, but he knew that his father was some sort of hero.

Shirou resolved that he'd follow his father's footsteps and become—

An Ally of Justice.

The chapter was rather short as it was just an introductory one.

In the next chapter, you will see how the hunt for the Grail begins as Uryuu Ryuunosuke makes a small mistake.

As the good reader might have noticed, I left Kiritsugu alive. It isn't just him, most Zero characters that died in the original canon will be seen alive in this fic. This story is just an AU story involving the same characters, but it doesn't necessitate that the story is similar in structure to the canon. The fire that happened ten years ago happens to be the only thing in common.

In this story, the golden chalice is a physical object that exists and not just rumored to exist. An object of such high historical value will obviously be hunted by more than one group.

Also, the servants will appear in the story as humans. Although they are essentially not the same as they are no longer Heroic Spirits, their personalities and characters remain more or less the same. For example, Bluebeard still likes to perform blasphemies against god.

Next Chapter: How it all began!

Happy Reviewing People!

W.U.T signing out.