Agent Seeley booth sat there in his office, and he had a secret, and it was killing him.
He was in love with Temperance Brennan, and he could tell no one, and it was killing him.
He knew if he let it out, it could end their partnership, and that's something he just couldn't do. They were one of the most successful and efficient investigation teams ever for the FBI, and had helped so many people, he couldn't be that selfish as to take that away because of his feelings.
Booth knew he couldn't tell his closest friends,they were also Temp's friends, and he knew they'd tell each other, they wouldn't be able to help it, and word would get back to either Brennan or Sweets or maybe even his just couldn't do it
He couldn't tell Sweets, for even though Sweets had developed into a good friend, he was a professional first, and although he would listen and council, if he thought Booth was putting the team in any kind of danger because of this distraction, he'd have to recommend they put an end to the partnership.
Booth was, of course, physically attracted to Temperance, any normal man would be. More than once, he found himself gazing into those incredible eyes of hers, and having a real struggle to not forget himself and what he was doing at the he found himself watching with a kind of dazzled wonder as the light played across the highlights of her glorious hair, or letting his eyes wander over her body when she wasn't looking.
And of course, there was that one time the sunlight happened to be streaming through the window behind her and it shone through her hair and made it look like a halo, and she looked like some beautiful glowing angel to him, and his breath literally caught in his throat. He was momentarily speechless. He had had trouble thinking clearly, and all he wanted to do was look at her. Oh god, so beautiful....
But it went beyond physical attraction. He couldn't explain why, or how whenever he was with Temp, or working with her, or even just talking to her on the phone, he felt.....complete. It was like she filled his being with light and happiness and joy, and he never tired of it and couldn't seem to get enough. He looked forward to every chance he had to just be in the same room with her.
He knew plenty of other women, many of them beautiful intelligent women, some of them having made it very clear to him they were more than willing to go beyond friendship.... .But he didn't want them. He wasn't interested in them. They weren't...her...it didn't seem to make any difference to him that they wanted him. The only person he felt right with was Temperance. The only woman he could imagine himself with was Brennan. He'd rather spend the entire day driving down a busy highway and just talking to her than he would having another woman in his bed.
He wanted her, but he knew he couldn't have her.
So it ate at tortured him. It felt like it was killing him.
How could he tell anyone how many times Temp, oblivious of Booth's feelings for her, and when telling him about how her latest date was so handsome, or athletic, or such a good kisser, or what good a time they had on their date, or how good her date was in bed...how could he tell anyone how he just sat there and listened, nodding, saying "That's great Bones." , a smile painted on his face, while a hot dagger slowly twisted itself in his chest.
How many times had that manufactured smile crumbled from his face to a look of utter sadness when she left or looked away long enough?
How could he tell anyone how every time...EVERY time... he closed his eyes, he saw her face. Or how for one reason or another, for a moment he'd stop thinking about her, and then something, no matter how innocent or unconnected, seemed to reminded him of her and she'd come flooding back into his mind, and he knew she couldn't be his, and it was like a body blow and all he wanted to do was fall to his knees..... but he didn't......he smiled that smile, and walked with a spring in his step, and greeted people with a hearty hello, and inside,felt only desolation ...
How could he tell anyone how knowing Temp couldn't be his made food taste like nothing to him. How she wasn't near him ,he enjoyed nothing. How sometimes the despair he was feeling made him feel like he weighed 1000 lbs and he just didn't want to move.
How could Booth tell anyone about the long,horrible, sleepless nights. How knowing Temp was dating yet another guy, and how Booth lay there in his own lonely bed,knuckles pressed so hard into his tightly clenched eyes he saw stars, trying to drive away the images of her being with that man. Having that other man hold her, touch her, make love to her, call her name...and...Oh God, her calling his.... . Booth didn't want to think about it, he didn't want to see it,she was free to do whatever she wanted.
But the images flooded into his mind anyway, he couldn't stop them. No matter how he tried, they still poured in like so many torturous demons, while he moaned and pleaded for them to leave him alone, and his heart thudded painfully in his chest, feeling like it was pumping acid instead of blood......
......So Booth sat there in his office, and Brennan walked in, and he looked up and she was so beautiful and his heart leapt and soared at the site of her, and he smiled a genuine smile of warmth and love, and was glad to have her near him, and he asked her how she was, and she said she was great, she had a fantastic date the night before, and started to tell him all about it, and Booth sat there, and nodded, and said "That's great Bones", and the dagger twisted, and all the while he told himself, "Smile Booth, whatever you do,keep that Goddamn smile on your face...."