He'd thought about it plenty. Just ending everything. There were several times he could remember almost doing it. It only took half a second to pull the trigger, and everything would be over. All his pain and all his inadequacies. He could rid the world of them in literally less than a second.
But he was a coward. He couldn't bring himself to do it. More nights than not he sat nursing a bottle of whiskey and cleaning his gun. He prided himself on being able to disassemble and reassemble his weapon faster than anyone on the force, but that's never what he was doing on those nights. On those nights, he'd take each piece apart, and clean it thoroughly, going over every edge and nook, getting every trace of dust, then setting it aside. Hours he'd spend doing this, until his weapon was better than factory new.
More often than not, he'd finish the bottle before the gun. He'd sit there, after turning off all the lights, and just feel the gun. Feel the weight, the contours, feel the difference between his hands. He'd hold it to his head and think about the best angle; what would leave the least mess, what would be sure to kill him quickly.
Then he'd put the gun down, and grab another bottle from the cabinet. Walking back to the table, he'd make a mental note of all the reasons he should do it. It was always longer than the reasons he shouldn't. He added things to the list nearly every day. Mentally going over it in his head all day.
He had it completely memorized. Reasons not to do it came and went. Changing every day. But there were always reasons to do it.
He criticized other people every day. Criminals, his friends, coworkers. But he could never criticize anyone as much as he criticized himself.
He never wrote a note. He never let on to anyone else. To everyone that knew him, he was a hardass, a loner, a vicious detective, a bad husband, a joke; but never a coward. No one ever thought him a coward.
But no one knew. No one knew the one constant on both of his lists.
He wanted to end it because he was a coward, but he couldn't do it for the same reason.
At least, in the end, he could cross off one reason.