Chapter One

I sat there, for what felt like three hours but was really three minutes, looking in the mirror at my very ugly face, or what people on the internet called a very ugly and manly face. It was so weird, a few months before this moment, I was okay with the way I looked. I was confident that I was a chubby cheek, brown skin girl with dark eyes and a big smile and personality to boot-but, as I pushed away from the bathroom mirror for the hundredth time that morning, I figured was wrong.

I wanted to make an impression, this was my first day of work and I was ready to go. I was ready to make a change as a detective. I was excited, despite the lack of confidence stirring in my soul about how I looked and all the features that made up...well, me. I was still ready to go and start the first day of the rest of my life. That's what I thought to myself as I traveled down the steps of my old and kinda dangerous apartment building.

I had just moved from Baltimore to New York a year ago and I had met a crackhead, actually, three but two were dead (one from an overdose the other by the hands of a guy on PCP,) ten high school dropout, two single fathers, and one very shady dope dealer who, I am sure, killed people for money on his free time and happened to live above me. This place was like a revolving door, where one goes in and the other would come out. No one stayed for long- except the last surviving crackhead and the drug dealer.

I stood on the block of my place with my winter coat on and my hat placed firmly on my short kinky hair and looked both ways for a taxi. I saw three and all three drove right past me like I wasn't even there. I would have chalked it up to chance if it wasn't for the fact that I saw each one did it. I'm not going to name the reason why because I'm not that type of girl, but I'm letting you know, reader, that this was my everyday life in New York. Of course, I got a taxi and he, a very nice dude from Ethiopia, drove me to the front door of my workplace and cut the price in half for the shotty service his company did. I thanked him, paid him, watched him drive off, waved, and walked into my job-happy as a lark on wheels (whatever a lark is.)

The first thing I noticed when I walked into the joint was the fact everyone was NOT everywhere. That was a first; normally officers would be running around, yelling, telling people to "sit yo' big ass down before I make change." None of that was happening. As I walked in and placed my personal items on the desk with the other officers, I noticed people staring at me with smug smiles on their faces.

? Was what I thought. Just a giant ol' question mark just resting on the top of my head like a plumb on the Sims game. Green and floating, in my imagination, it would be.

I looked around and saw my friend, Wisdom, looking at me with wide green eyes and a gap tooth grin. He was holding some papers to give to Fin; I remember that because I saw his name written in childish handwriting that could only belong to Wisdom or a toddler. I don't know where this man learned to write, but it wasn't in school.

"And what are you smiling at?"

"Detective Welsh!" Wisdom echoed.

The room started to clap almost on cue, looking back at it now, I think that whole situation was planned but I didn't think about it because I was so embarrassed that my only friend in this big wide world was telling the big wide world that I was a detective. Yeah, I was proud, but I was still a timid person. I didn't want people looking at me.

I hushed Wisdom by placing my hand over his mouth, but the room was still clapping. Under the brown of my skin, I was sure they couldn't see the blood and heat rise on my face but I was certain they could see my face tighten in a sharp cringe. Every time the skins of their hands made contact, was the time I wanted to shoot myself in the head.

"It's not that big of a deal, guys, really."

"Oh but it is." I watched as the Sergeant of all Sergeant, Olivia Benson walked into the bullpen.

I always admired Benson. She was smart, brave, tough, beautiful- she had people falling at her feet to die for her should the time come and I couldn't get my landlord to fix the plumbing in my bathroom (I was using the hall bathroom at the end of my floor.) I admire the way Benson talked; she spoke with such elegance, intensity, and control that I wanted to be a soldier on the front lines with her. I admired her, I guess you could say I was jealous of her. I still am jealous of her, even after everything that happened…

Anyway, back to the story.

I found myself still cringing when I heard Benson call my name for the third time. People already were hesitant to allow me to be a cop, in the first place, because I'm partially deaf, but even the deaf need protecting and I was good at my job. I could feel vibrations, should my hearing aid come out, and I had good eyes-even though they were hidden behind thick-rimmed glasses. So me not answering Olivia the first or the second and almost the third time she called my name was already putting doubts in the seasoned detectives' mind.

"Theodosia, are you listening?"

"Yes, I was just...not paying attention. I was lost in my own thoughts…." I dragged out the "s" longer than it should be and that made the cops behind me laugh a little. I saw Fin hide a smile with his hand but quickly removed it.

"We can't have people who don't listen on our team, understand that, Theo, and don't let it happen again. You have a lot to prove." Damn, she's already calling me by my nickname, l remember thinking. Again, looking back on it, I think she said "Theo" more times than not, because it was easier to say than "Theodosia." Olivia slammed a photo of a young lady whom, I can attest to this, was very pretty and dead. Very much dead. "This is Gina Wildman, twenty-four years old. She was found strangled and sexually assaulted by her boyfriend-" Olivia slammed the picture of a rather handsome man with tattoos running up and down his face. His eyes were the only thing that scared me- his eyes were insane: wide, dark, and expressively scary. I took a step back and backed into Wisdom, who caught me before I could fall.

"Careful, Theo" Olivia called out, the room turned to look at me. I straightened up and cleared my throat. "He claims he didn't do it and when questioned, his relationship with his girlfriend was good. Poke holes in that claim."

"Who are we going to ask to do that?" I asked, not even waiting to be called on. Again, the room looked at me. I shrunk down a half inch from the pressure of eyes on me. "Just asking." I quickly added.

The room laughed. I can remember how foolish I felt for asking such a stupid question and showing my ass on my first day of my new position.

"Well, we are going to question the relative of the victim and-" The room started to laugh harder, I even saw Fin laugh at me. My face felt hot and heavy, tears started to sting my eyes and I wanted to run out of there and go home. However, I stood my ground and refused to let my face contort into a cry. I think Olivia saw my pain because she tried to hush the room. "Shhh, shhh, shhh-it's okay. There is no such thing as stupid questions-"

"Actually there is-" I heard that voice before and I have seen that decently tall Cubano walk past me several times. He turned to face Olivia's main crew but his eyes traveled up a little too far and landed on my dysfunctional face. His warm blue-green eyes almost made me want to die-not because he was handsome, but because he was probably thinking about how ugly I was.

That was my thing with most people-should they look at me for far too long, I would start to grow concern and call myself ugly. There was no other reason (at least that's what I thought) for them to be looking at me for longer than .2 seconds.

"Oh, we have a new member?!" He said, almost like he wasn't expecting me to exist. I only had one conversation with DA Rafael Barba at that point and it went a little something like:

"Excuse me, sir, can you excuse me?"

"Why?"

"Because you're blocking my desk."

"Hmmm…"

That was when I first got here. I was sure he didn't remember me, not how I looked at least; his head was too far down his files to give me eye contact. I sat with Wisdom that morning and it was the best day of my life. Barba may have remembered the sound of my voice; its less like the standard deaf person accent but nothing like a hearing person. I'm an odd medium.

"Yea, meet Theodosia Welsh, our new member." Fin beamed, after all it was he who recommended-

"The Deaf Girl?!"

"BARBA!" Half the room said together like a choir of singing birds. Barba looked around at the room.

"What?"

"Hi, yeah," I took a few steps shyly forward. "I can hear you."

"Oh, so you aren't the Deaf Girl, then?" Barba was actually confused.

"Okay!" Olivia cut the conversation short. "Let's get to work, okay? Barba, meet me in my office Rollins you go with Carisi and get me everyone you know who is somehow related to the Vic. Fin and Welsh-"

Fin bolted up from his seat. "Talk to the Vic's mama? Got it."

"Good. Barba, follow me." I watched Olivia walk with Barba to her office.

"Let's go, Theo."

I grabbed my personal belongings and ran to catch up with Fin, but not before throwing a look over my shoulder and watching Barba and Olivia disappear into the room together. I followed Fin out the front door of the station and back into the freezing cold weather that was New York.