A/N: So I've been sick, but I'm back with this oneshot. Pure crack. My take on the Hunter tantrum in the Lima Bean in Season 4. Huntbastian. Enjoy!

That One Time When My Boyfriend Tried to Burn Down A Coffee Shop

Hunter had been...odd...all day long. Probably due to the fact that he had taken his usual injection of steroids. That should have been enough to worry me, but I clearly wasn't thinking when I agreed to go to the damn coffee shop with my sexy-as-hell boyfriend. What could go wrong?

So. Many. Things. Went. Wrong.

Hunter was really temperamental on steroids, as well as slightly psychotic, but only sometimes. I didn't even think of the consequences of combining a temperamental Hunter Clarington with the general public. God, why didn't I just tie him to the damn bed and leave him there?

Almost as soon as we walked into the Lima Bean, Hunter was speed walking towards the counter and ordering his usual. I gave my order as well and fished around in my wallet for the ten dollars our lattes costed; it was all relatively smooth, nothing out of the ordinary.

Yet.

One small tiny sip of his drink though, and Hunter's eyes were as wide as his cat's. At first I thought maybe it was just too hot or something, and was going to go sit down at our usual table-which was currently unoccupied-before pausing as Hunter began to speak.

"What is this? Did you put Splenda in my latte?"

Of course. He was going to get mouthy with the barista for Splenda. I should have guessed.

"You're a barista! You don't THINK!"

Okay, now that was just a tad bit harsher than necessary, but I wasn't complaining After all, Splenda was pretty gross.

"The SUGAR is in the brown! AND THE SPLENDA IS IN THE YELLOW!"

I almost flinched at how loudly he was screaming. Almost.

"I frickin' HATE Splenda! It-it tastes l-like PENCILS!"

Wait...how would he know what pencils tasted like?

"WHY ARE YOU PUTTING PENCILS IN MY LATTE?"

Annnnd cue Hunter freaking out and beginning to throw furniture across the room as the barista stared in shock at him.

Well, this date had officially gotten out of hand.

"Okay tiger. That's it. I'm taking you back to Dalton," I sighed, preparing to drag him out of the Lima Bean if that was what it came to.

"I WILL BURN THIS GODFORSAKEN COFFEE SHOP DOWN FOR PUTTING SPLENDA IN MY FUCKING LATTE!"

"I'm calling the police," the barista grabbed his phone, already dialing the number even as I tried to dissuade him.

"I'm sorry. My boyfriend is insane, if you'll excuse us-" I really didn't wanna do jail time again.

"GIVE ME A MATCH SO I CAN LIGHT THIS JOINT!"

"Are you fucking for real?" I hissed, trying to grab his wrist. Of course, being in one of his 'roid rages' meant he was a lot faster than I was, so I missed.

By about this point, customers were starting to flee in terror, which normally I would've found hilarious if my own damn ass hadn't been at the expense of this particular showdown.

Of course, fifteen minutes later the two of us were being hauled into the back of a police car, with Hunter still screaming threats and obscenities-which I won't repeat, may I add-at the now-empty coffee shop.

It took another four hours for him to finally calm down and begin a new routine of glaring silently at our cell room wall.

"Well, Mr. Genius, how do we get out of this one?" I asked, turning to him.

"We pretend to be good. And then, once we're out, we're burning that shop down," Hunter replied.

I let out a groan, burying my head in my hands. Sure, Hunter was my boyfriend, and I loved him to hell and back.

But he was still a manical fucking psychopath that I'd never be able to understand.

I guess that's the fun part about it though.

I just know we're never going to any coffee shops ever again.