Return To Sender
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Chapter I: Dear Hideki-"Hey, Hideki, I'm your biggest fan."
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Hideki. A pen name.
A pen name that was well known through out the whole of whatever hell hole that divine being upstairs dropped him in. If he wasn't here he wouldn't even be bending down to look at it.
Another one of those "I'm your biggest fan" fan letters came by mail today. Along with the rest of the mail, it stood out. Right outside the orange envelope it read:
'Hey, Hideki, I'm your biggest fan.'
If it wasn't so obscenely bright maybe he would have thrown it right away. If only it was red or black like all the other mail he had received that day it would have been willingly tossed into the open mouth of the fireplace. And by the looks of it Mr. Fireplace hasn't had any decent meals as of present. Picking the offending piece of orange paper out of the pile of trash which was currently seated on a spot in his living room, Uchiha Sasuke proceeded to tear at its wax seal. And he didn't even bother to take notice of the little fox design it had etched into it neither did he even try to read the little words at one curved edge of this seal. And he was certainly not going to take the time to read out in a whisper the words, 'Uzumaki Naruto' engraved on the said seal.
Maybe he did.
But that doesn't matter now, does it?
'Hideki!! Yo!!'
Sasuke rolled his eyes. If this person wanted to catch his attention he might as well start off with a formal, 'Salutations, Hideki' or something more... formal. But this worked, for now.
'Well, I'm writing to you because I'm your BIGGEST fan!!!!!!!!'
How epic. How many times has he heard that before? Right. Too many times to even bother counting.
'You can call me Uzumaki Naruto, dattebayo!!'
Uzu...What?
Sasuke grazed his eyes to the previous line. There it was again: Uzumaki Naruto. Sasuke's lower lip quivered and for the first time he felt as if time was willing to stop for him- either that or time was speeding up so that he would turn to dust in a matter of seconds. Five, four, three, two, and one... Nothing happened. Oh well, he was so sure that line would finish him for real. Back to reality...
'I've been wanting to write this letter, which you are reading dattebayo, for a while now. Ever since I started reading your books- I admit I got booked. If only it weren't for you- or more precisely your fan girls (You've got legions of them)- I would have believed you were a girl.'
A fine eyebrow arched and lips tightened into a thin line.
'But-! You're a man. You've got to be! If not, then my friend Sakura-chan will be (here, I will gasp, dattebayo) a lesbian!! But that's only if you were a lady, Hideki, but I sure know you're not!'
"I think you were the only one who had Q perceived me to be a female..." Sasuke muttered as if he were scolding the piece of parchment in his hands. "Idiot."
'Actually, the real reason why I'm writing to you is because I want to ask one thing. Why are so many people attracted to you when they don't even know what you look like!? My god, what if you looked like--'
That really was a question he would've liked to answer. Alas, he had no answer.
'Never mind. I'm running out of paper to write on. But HEY, Hideki, you must admit I have an A-MA-ZING penmanship. I hope to hear from you soon. Like, really, REALLY REALLY soon. I'll be sitting on my mailbox till your most awaited answer comes.'
Something urged him to start writing back. But that could wait since he still had so many much more important things to accomplish.
'Dattebayo, Naruto (---- Real Amazing Miso Every Night).'
'P.S. Wanna go out for ramen sometime?'
Real amazing miso (maybe Miso Crackers or something) every night? If Sasuke didn't know Naruto personally, he would have had no hesitation at labeling him as a random freak who liked sending him crack through mail. Without giving it a second thought, Sasuke neatly folded the piece of orange paper and clipped it to his clipboard. Something told him that this 'Biggest Fan' of his was and still is the biggest of all idiots he had ever met since kindergarten. And what's more, is that this person had no idea that 'Hideki' was actually him.
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"WHAAAAT?!"
Naruto covered his ears and scrunched his eyes shut as he prepared for the much expected outburst.
"YOU sent a letter to THE Hideki--- WITHOUT telling ME?!?!" Sakura all but screamed as she looked flabbergasted at Naruto who looked almost ready to faint.
Hideki is the most well known writer in all of Konoha. And he is Sakura's number one crush- along with all the other ladies who loved his work (with that in mind, that meant everyone). This author wrote books about mythical creatures, of a nine-tailed fox named Kyuubi (one of Naruto's personal favorites)- in short, he wrote fiction. And Naruto loved fiction. He loved it even more when it made references to history while keeping the surreal feel in the story flow. He loved Hideki's books- but that was a secret. He didn't want people to know he read books. And more importantly- that he read Hideki's books.
Naruto nodded his head and lowered his hands to his desk. He should have known better than to tell her during class. All the eyes... and the teacher...
"Eh? Sakura-chan,what's wrong? Can't you just send a letter of your own?" Naruto pouted at his female classmate and dropped his head unto his desk with an exasperated sigh. "And- it's not like I asked him to marry me..." Like you would have done. That wasn't the best answer it seems because the next minute he was lying on his stomach against the floor with Sakura's foot on his back. All eyes were really on them now...
She couldn't believe this. Naruto, her idiot of a classmate, actually sent The Hideki a fan letter. Sakura stomped her foot on Naruto's back and made him squeak. "Damn it, Sakura-chan! Why do you even like him?" Naruto struggled to his feet and gave Sakura the angriest pout he could manage, "Have you ever even seen Hideki?" He asked; his smile forming into a smirk. He got her there.
Or not.
Sakura tossed her head to one side, straightened herself, and placed her hands on her hips. She gave Naruto a triumphant look.
"Ma, Sakura-chan, what is it now?" Naruto asked before backing himself up against his own chair. He placed his hand on his chair and braced himself as Sakura reached into her schoolbag. God, what could she be getting out of that murder weapon of hers? Another murder weapon?! Naruto threw his hands over his head in a sort of defensive posture. A whole minute passed and nothing happened.
Carefully, Naruto looked up at Sakura who was holding a book that he quickly recognized as one of Hideki's books, 'The Clan Murderer', which was a book about how one man assassinated a whole clan with the use of some sort of ninja like power. "What about it?" Naruto asked as he got back unto his seat and looked at Sakura. "I have a book just like it back home..."
Sometimes she felt sorry for Naruto's idiocy.
Sakura giggled as she opened the book to the first page where some sort of scribble was messily... er... scribbled.
"That's..."
Naruto leaned in closer to inspect the black ink.
"Hideki's... autograph!!"
Everyone in class turned to look at their direction; not that they weren't already staring at them.
Naruto snatched the book from Sakura and inspected the signature more closely. It wasn't just a scribble. Upon closer inspection it was a beautiful work of ART! The way the curves where made to create the first 'S' then right in the middle 'Hideki' was written in small script, and at the end was a 'U' that was just as big as the 'S'. And there was some other things like 'To Sakura...' and all that but that just ruined the beauty that was- "ShidekiU...What?" Naruto looked at Sakura questioningly. The girl glared at him and snatched the book back and cradled it close to her bosom. "You just don't understand these kinds of things! S and U are most probably just designs...!!"
"HARUNO! UZUMAKI! Stay after class!!"
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Kiba slapped Naruto heartily on the back, "So she snatched the book, bitched at you, then slapped you?"
Naruto nodded and pushed Kiba away from him with a wave, "And then Iruka-sensei goes-" Naruto stood up and placed his hands on his hips in an imitation of his teacher, "Haruno! Uzumaki! Stay after class!!!" Naruto plopped back unto his seat after the Librarian told him to shut up for the tenth time that day. This was just great! Not only had he stayed after class; but also, he had to stay after class with Sakura. Sure, he had a little bit of a crush on her back then- but now, hell would have to freeze over before she started to like him back in that way. He didn't even know how someone like Sakura could fall in love with Hideki! And Sakura had only seen him once when she had her book signed!!
"Hey! Naruto!"
What did that imply about him? That he wasn't good enough for anyone?!
"Naruto!!!"
Well... there was Hinata... but with Neji around he wouldn't dare make a move on her.
"What the hell! NARUTO!!!"
Naruto was pushed out of his thoughts by a sharp numbing pain to the side of his head. He cursed and lashed his fist to whatever it was that hit him. What came after was the Librarian shoving both Kiba and Naruto outside and scolding them. "What do you want?" Naruto hissed, obviously peeved. Kiba rolled his eyes and held out a book he had found sticking out of Naruto's messenger bag. "I thought you said you didn't read- and you said you'd never be caught dead with one of Hideki's books."
Cerulean eyes widened.
A black book with a red silhouette of a nine-tailed fox dangled in front of him. It was titled 'Kyuubi' and, more importantly, was authored by none other than Hideki. And since it was already in Kiba's hands, Naruto said the most intelligent thing he could think of at that very moment. Yes, it was the best thing he could ever think of. It was certainly the best thing anyone could have chosen to say if they were ever caught in such a predicament.
"I'm not dead yet."
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[ T ]o [ B ]e [ C ]ontinued...
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For any questions, ask through a 'Review' any Private Messages concerning this story will be ignored. Unless you want to be a BETA reader but the chances are pretty slim since I do my own proof reading as a form of training.
[Forever Yours, Riku Loyale]