A/N: I don't know guys, I just have a problem with unpopular ships. Olitz is cool and all but I keep leaning towards Olake. It's a curse, truly. But how can you not love Jake? Yes I am aware this is probably OOC but I needed this after tonight, even if it is super angsty. And I'm hoping there are other Olivia/Jake shippers out there who feel the same as me?
Disclaimer: Scandal is obviously not mine.
She loves Fitz. She really does. With all her heart and soul and everything in her. She's stolen an election for him. She'd do worse, and she knows it. She wants Vermont and kids and jam so badly. But sometimes, she misses him.
Sometimes she's doing absolutely nothing, thrumming her fingers against her desk, and she wishes he'd call. Sometimes she hears a song on the radio and wishes he was there to dance with her. Sometimes she stares at her curly hair in the mornings and thinks of days on the island. She can barely look at the sun anymore without thinking of him.
She thinks about calling him. Her finger hovers over the button. But she can't do it. Not because it would hurt her, or hurt Fitz. Mostly because it would hurt him. She can't do that to him, she can't torture him that way. He probably hates her by now.
She thinks of him at the worst moments. When Fitz is deep inside her and she wises he'd reach just a bit farther, stretch her just a bit more, make her feel just a bit better, sometimes her mind flashes to the man who could do all those things. The man who could make her moan. The man she loves to ride.
He knew going in that she loved Fitz. He knew it but he did it anyway, yet somehow she still feels guilty. Sometimes she wonders what life would be like if she'd just gone back to the island, if she stayed. If she was still Julia Baker. Would she be happy? Somehow she knows she would. Fitz would be with Mellie, who was admittedly crazy in her absence, but the relationship, as unsettling and unhealthy as it may be, was stable. It wasn't going anywhere until she came back.
She'd have her wine and her sand and her water and him. And maybe that would have been enough. Maybe they'd have had kids and given them a false last name and a false family history and maybe that would have been okay. Maybe they wouldn't have had kids, but maybe they would have lived out their days peacefully and in harmony, and maybe eventually she wouldn't have missed Fitz anymore. Maybe eventually she would have loved him.
Sometimes she dreams that she's still there. Away from everything and everyone, with only him by her side. Sometimes when she moans in her sleep and wakes up aroused, it wasn't her lover in bed with her that she was dreaming of. And sometimes it's his name on the tip of her tongue. Sometimes it's his touch her skin is crawling for. Sometimes it's his lips hers are wishing for.
Sometimes she thinks about just how truly awful almosts are. She almost went back to the island. He almost loved her enough for the both of them. She was almost content. He was almost enough. She almost called him. He almost visited her. She almost loved him. He almost begged her to stay. She almost chose Jake. They almost made it.
A/N: I'd appreciate any feedback you can give me.