Kaidan wasn't used to beds; after spending so much time aboard smaller ships, he had grown accustomed to sleeper pods and because of this, he was a very light sleeper. Stirring awake, he rolled over to notice that his lover wasn't laying there next to him.
"Shepard?" he asked, sitting up and checking his surroundings. Whilst she didn't reply he quickly located her sat at her desk. She was holding a holo image that he couldn't make out from the bed.
Kaidan fumbled around in the dark for his pants before putting them on and walking over to her quietly, setting his hand down onto her shoulder. "Hey... Shepard, are you alright?" he said softly, his brow furrowing slightly.
Shepard glanced up at him with a distant look in her eyes and a weak smile appeared on her face. "To be honest Kaidan? Not really..." She sighed and leaned back into the chair. "I still can't believe we-- I left Ash back there to die."
Kaidan felt a pang of regret flow through him and tightened his hand on her shoulder, "It's not your fault." he said assuringly, his eyes softening.
"Acceptable losses. That's what they teach you in officer's training." Shepard sighed and stared up at the ceiling. "It seems so easy at first, you know? But Ashley was a good friend. It's never that simple, people aren't as "Expendable" as the drill instructors will tell you."
Kaidan nodded and looked at the holo image. It seemed to be an image of a younger much younger Shepard with what would appear to be her family.
Shepard noticed him looking at the image. "My parents and sister. That picture was taken just two weeks before the attack." her voice had became low and her face had become awash with sadness. "Whenever someone doesn't make it in a mission... it brings it all back. I... I see their faces again..." her voice cracked slightly and she rested her head on the palm of her hand.
"I can't imagine what you could have gone through, Shepard. I don't think anyone really could." Kaidan whispered reassuringly to her.
Shepard put the holo image down and looked up at him. "I've never actually told anyone what I experienced down there. I hate to do this to you Kaidan, but... I really need to get it off my chest." she asked him, her eyes pleading. This was a side of the great Commander Shepard that Kaidan had never seen before. All he could do was nod once.
Shepard slid out of her chair and the two of them walked to the edge of the bed so they could be more comfortable.
"I was sixteen at the time, and dad wanted me to go to one of the Irrigation fields to fix the harvester tractor...."
***
"Jess! You wouldn't be able to lend your old man a favor would you?" Shepard's father asked as he walked to her.
Shepard was sat out on the porch, face buried into a novel. The young girl glanced up and smiled, "Anything for you gramps. What is it?"
"Gramps? Come on Jess, I'm 48." He said with a grin. "It's that damned Tractor unit again. The transfer box just jammed up completely." Her father grumbled, folding his arms across his chest.
"Y'know dad, don't you think it's emasculating to have your sixteen year old daughter be the grease monkey of the family?" She said with a laugh, setting the book aside. "Alright, I'll have a look at it."
"Attagirl!" he bellowed with a grin, rustling her black hair.
"Dad! Your hand's covered in oil!" Shepard squealed, trying to push him away.
"Oh don't go all princess on me Jess, you've been getting your hands dirty as soon as you could string a sentence together." He said in a matter-of-fact tone.
Shepard scowled at him, "You're a jerk." she huffed and headed over to the workshop to grab her overalls and toolkit.
After buttoning up the blue overalls, she had began to place the necessary tools in her bag when a girl walked into the small shack, "I have to say Jessica, you're not going to get a boyfriend in that getup." she said with a friendly smile.
Shepard stood and grinned at the girl, "Danni, you clearly don't understand boys." she replied proudly, picking up the toolbag.
"God, you're such a tomboy..." Danni sighed, "So what're you doing this time?" the girl asked, cocking her head to the side.
"It involves a tractor unit and the possibility of me hitting it with a hammer. That thing just loves to fall apart from the inside on a moment's notice. I swear I'll have to convince dad to get a new one!" Shepard ranted, throwing her arms in the air and then let out an exasperated sigh.
"Sounds like fun. Can I come with?" Danni asked.
Shepard raised an eyebrow at the other girl, "Aren't you afraid you might break a nail?"
"Yeah right, as if I'll be doing anything!" Danni laughed, "I've got nothing better to do, so I figure you could use the company." she said with a shrug.
"Alright, alright..." Shepard sighed and headed for the door, "Let's go then!"
***
Later, Shepard and Danni were at the Tractor unit. Shepard was already digging her arms into the insides of the vehicle in search of the problem. Danni was sat on a rock near her, spilling all the latest gossip, even if Shepard wasn't really paying any attention. Shepard did pay attention when she stopped talking though.
Danni was staring at the skyline, "What... what are those?" she asked, her voice much lower now.
Shepard stood and looked in the same direction as her friend. Three rugged looking VTOL craft were on the horizon and approaching rapidly. The silhouettes were unfamiliar, but Shepard could tell they were definitely military. They skimmed right over the top of her and towards the village, firing their deadly payloads whilst at the same time inserting ground forces.
***
"All I could do was stand there." Shepard said guiltily, clenching her fists tightly.
Kaidan put a hand on her back, "What could you have done? Thrown rocks at them?"
"I don't know... I just... I just wish that I could have done something." Shepard added.
"You say that now after over a decade of military service. You can't blame yourself for that." He paused for a moment before asking; "So... what did you do?"
***
"NO! Oh my god... oh... god..." Shepard's hands were clasping at her hair in shock as she watched her home town getting carpet bombed by the gunships. All she could hear were screams. Scared screams, pained screams.
"Jessica... what's happening?!" Danni pleaded, tugging at Shepard's sleeve. Shepard simply didn't have an answer for her.
Shepard stood there for what felt like an eternity. How could this have happened? Why would this have happened? She was snapped out of her trance by a white hot lance of pain in her side, sending her to the ground. Looking down, she was bleeding from a gunshot wound.
Footsteps. Her assailant was approaching through the wheat field. Shepard crawled to the other side of the tractor as quickly as she could, searching for something to defend herself with. The footsteps were getting closer.
Just as she grabbed a torque wrench, a boot came down on her chest. The four eyed alien speaking an unrecognised language was shouting at her, pointing his rifle at her face.
Shepard screamed, and in a burst of adrenaline swung the torque wrench towards the Batarian, letting go of the handle mid swing. The heavy metal tool cracked the alien in his nose, causing him to collapse onto his back.
Ignoring the pain in her torso, she clambered on top of the soldier, grabbed the wrench again and swung it down onto the Batarian's head. The alien screamed in pain, and she responded by hitting him again, and again, and again. By the time she was finished, the Batarian's face was nigh recognisable.
Shepard snapped out of her rage, dropped the wrench and rolled off the dead soldier, gasping for breath. After a short while, she climbed to her feet and quickly grabbed the soldier's rifle. She stared at the body with wide eyes. Despite the circumstances, she still felt a small amount of guilt for taking another life.
This remorse was short lived. Danni. "Danni!" Shepard shouted, running over to her prone friend. She had completely forgotten about her during her melee with the Batarian. Danni was laying on her side and not moving. Shepard dropped to her knees and rolled her friend over and instantly recoiled in shock. Danni's eyes stared at her vacantly, a bleeding hole in the middle of her forehead.
"Danni... no..." Shepard buried her head in her dead friend's shoulder and wept silently. After barely a few minutes, the Batarian's radio started barking. Although Shepard couldn't understand a word of their language, her gut feeling told her that they were trying to contact their dead comrade.
Shepard pulled back from her deceased friend, and gently closed the girl's eyelids with her hand. "I'm sorry, Danni..." she whispered before she stood, clutching at the wound on her side. She glanced at the smouldering carcass of what was once her home one last time, and fled.