Author: Lisa
Pairing: Buffy
Status: Vignette
Summary: Buffy's thoughts about her new outlook on life and the people around her. Set during Season 6
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the words; everything else is Joss's.
She hated who she had become; so distant and cold. Taking what she wanted no matter what the cost. That wasn't her, that was her sister slayer, Faith. Faith had always said that given the circumstances she'd become just like her. She couldn't believe that a year or two ago when Faith had said it, but now she was having a hard time denying it. Want, take, have. That was the philosophy that she was living by now. Caring hurt too much and loving brought so much pain she felt like she was choking on the bitter taste. No, it was better to not care. To take what made her feel something and then leave. Maybe she was finally learning the lessons that the people around her had taught. No one in her life had stayed by her side for the long haul. They had left vacant seats all around her. It had taken her a lot of broken promises, but she finally had figured it out.
It explained all the irrational things that she had been doing in the last couple of months. From the time she was pulled from heaven until now. She was living by the rules of Faith and she understood now the reasoning behind Faith's actions, the pain, hurt, lying, and deceit – it all came clear. She thought that realization would've been more earth shattering, but it seemed normal. Like breathing. A part of her wished that Faith were with her, but wishing and dreaming weren't a part of her life anymore. She leaved that for the people that still held the hope deep in their heart.
Nothing fazed her anymore. She was going through the motions and no one seemed to notice. Or… if they did they didn't show it, quite possibly they just didn't care anymore. That seemed more realistic. No one did, so why should she? When were they really there for her? When did they risk everything for her cause? A part of her knew that her thoughts were lies, that they had risked a lot, but another side wasn't convinced. Wasn't convinced that they cared and understood - that they were there with good intentions. Maybe it was a longing they had. Wanting to finally be a part of something bigger. Didn't care for the cause or the reasoning as long as it pulled them out of their mundane world and into a façade life they could hide behind. It was dress up all over again - this time without the oversized hats and shoes. It was theater without the curtain call and final show. At least there was never a final show for them. It seemed that every time the earth shake or innocent blood was spilt it was her curtain call. They got to stick around and continue their roles but she was pulled from one scene to another. Never knowing her lines or que's. Walking in darkness and hoping that she wouldn't fall. She had enough. She was tired of the games and lies. She had finally thrown away all of her securities and safety nets, now she just took. Not caring for the consequences, she had played it safe and it still brought her pain… too much pain. It was time for a new plan, one that didn't require her to sacrifice herself for something that only she believed in. She use to believe that one person could make a difference but that idealism had been shattered along with her innocence long ago.