He felt naked, defenceless and unable to control his own fate. Every time he stepped out of his cabin, he wondered if he would survive to come back to it. A twinge of pain in his lower back reminded him he was still exhausted and should go back to bed.
But there was too much to do. Too many systems to fix that the auto-repair systems couldn't handle. He was one man but at times he felt like a ghost.
What madness would Blake plunge them into today? What random act of mass destruction? The fanatic gleam in Blake's eyes told him that he would never stop. His need for vengeance was like a drug. His insane obsession to destroy Star One would get them all killed, it had already killed Gan.
His fingers brushed against the hard silver surface of the leather jacket. He'd only realized yesterday that he'd been wearing thicker and harder layers the last year.
Unconscious need to protect himself perhaps? Against inevitable destruction? Against Blake?
He couldn't wait until it was all over and he could be free of him. There was a sick feeling at the pit of his stomach, something churning inside at the pointlessness of what they were doing.
What had they achieved? Was the Federation any closer to being destroyed? The only thing they'd accomplished was being hunted like dogs from one end of the galaxy to the next. Oh yes, and adding more to the invincible legend of the great god Blake. No one knew often they came to dying only to be saved by sheer luck. Or how often they'd been tricked.
Avon didn't believe in luck. That was the refuge of people who couldn't think.
He hated every minute of the last two years on the ship. With the sole exception Cally, and at times Vila, he wished he could erase its entire memory from his mind. If he never heard the name of Blake again, he would die happy. If Blake didn't get them all killed first.
Avon didn't plan to be the death that finally drove the others away from Blake in disgust. They'd come very close to it after the Control and most of them still were. Not one of them lifted a finger to help Blake when his uncle and niece were taken by Travis. They'd stopped caring and they stopped believing.
He'd helped him, of course. He wasn't entirely heartless, even though he acted it. Not like Blake who acted like he was all heart but barely had one underneath, not for anyone who wasn't willing to act like his slave.
The man was such a fool. A ship of people who were easily led and he managed to alienate all of them.
Avon relished the thought. He thought he would never have the chance to take the Liberator from Blake. Take his fair share. Who knew the man who was so good at getting them all killed, would be so good at destroying himself in their eyes?
The fool really thought that his bullying worked on him. The only thing it did was to make him hate him more each day and now that hatred had become a flame that burned inside. Anymore and he might just shoot Blake to put him all out of their misery. If the bastard betrayed him one more time, he was not responsible for his actions.
The man was a fanatic. Wading in the blood of others to lead the rabble to victory, whatever that might mean. Even after all the times he had saved the bastard's life, the man still tried to bully him rather than asking for his cooperation. If Blake had once treated him as a partner rather than a tool, it might have been different.
Avon was only biding his time. He needed the others to operate the ship. Blake's hold on them was tenuous now and even Cally was beginning to question him. His lips curled upwards slightly. He'd been waiting for that. If she had agreed to go with him over Horizon, he would have gladly gone and never looked back, but she couldn't leave them and he couldn't fault her for that.
The discontent on the flight deck was becoming more vocal everyday and Blake was snapping at all of them. Screaming at them in frustration because none of them listened to him anymore except out of habit. A bully whose bullying no longer worked, could only resort to throwing temper tantrums. Very typical Blake behaviour. How he hated the bastard. Once this was over, it was finished. And he wanted it finished permanently. He never wanted anything to do with this bully again.
If they didn't find Star One tomorrow, the others might refuse to go on regardless of how much Blake yelled at them. Their constant whining against Blake and what he was making them do was getting on his nerves too.
Avon saw the madness in the bully's eyes, his desperation. The crew had almost slipped entirely out of Blake's fingers and he knew it. Blake knew it as surely as he knew after Control, but this time, no manipulation or play acting would bring them back. They were that far gone in their rejection of him.
Like Avon, they knew Blake would betray all of them for the chance to achieve his goals. He already had. Several times. The bunch of fools. And himself among them. They should have dumped Blake the first time he betrayed their trust at the very beginning.
He should have demanded to be let off at the first neutral planet. But Avon knew why he hadn't. He was convinced, and he was even more certain of it now, that Blake wouldn't have bothered finding a safe place to let him off and would have abandoned him without any supplies, not even food and water.
Once someone didn't jump when Blake snapped his fingers or refused live the great Blake way, Avon sneered, he had no use for them and threw them away like refuse. Just like he had done with the prisoners on Cygnus Alpha. They were most likely all dead now. Lucky recipients of Blake's true nature.
Avon slipped on the jacket, enjoying the hardness of it against his body. Armour against the bastard. Yes, if they didn't find Star One today, Blake was going to have a real rebellion on his hands. Today, he was finally going to tell the bastard how he really felt about him and that he wanted to wash his hands of him forever.
And if they did find it? The result would still be the same. A smile touched his lips before he left his cabin.