Plague

by LisaMR

(NS )Sara's past comes to surface when the stress of cases snaps her.

Plague

Author: Lisa

Pairing: Nick Sara

Rating: PG-13 to R

Summary: Sara's past comes to surface when the stress of cases snaps her.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the CSI characters. Any other characters are solely mine. Any resemblance that a character or case has to the real world is strictly coincidental. N/S Angst

The memories chase after me the same way the evidence does to the guilty. Stalking them down until the truth is the last thing standing. They stand there while their mask of lies melt off, leaving them barren with nowhere to run. I know the memories smell the fear and pain that is radiating off me every moment of the day. It continues to build a stronger case against me. Knowing that I can't deny what doesn't lie. Evidence... truth… fact.

I shake a little knowing I won't be able to handle the out come of the past. I've built myself around doing what I couldn't do then. Saving what I couldn't save when I was younger.

Leaning against the doorframe I continue to stare at her. She's been looking at that document for a good 13 minutes now and I've come to conclusion that she's not reading, just thinking. She's been doing that a lot lately. Not paying attention and drifting off into a place that I can't reach.

Not the same woman I fell for a couple of years ago. After Pam Adler's case she shifted, molded, and transformed into a different woman. One that doesn't flash that toothy grin I've come to admire and love. One where the sparkles in her eyes have faded into a dark storm waiting to erupt. Her eyes use to dance around when she was working on a case and the evidence was getting stronger. Now, now she just goes through the motions. Doing what's expected of her. Not loving what she does.

"Sara?"

I snap my head up from the file that's been in front of me for far too long. "Oh... uh... Nick hey." I begin to spin my pen faster in my fingers as he continues to stare at me. Twirling it faster and under more control. I'm sure if he were a therapist he would comment that I was trying to gain some semblance of control.

"You okay?" I move my gaze to her twirling fingers and then back to her eyes. Before she even speaks I know it won't be the truth. But yet I hold a certain amount of hope, hope that she'll let me into her secret world this one time.

"Yeah. Why... why wouldn't I be?" I try to avoid eye contact with him. Nick's always been able to tell when I'm hiding something and I know this time won't be any different than the times before.

"C'mon... I can tell something's up." I move over to her and place my hands on either side of her body. "Sara, I won't hurt you. I just want to help." I stop as I hear the rest of the team's voices in the hallway. "We're not finished." I quickly pull away leaving her breathing heavy.

I can smell his cologne. It's a spicy smell mixed with after-shave, shampoo, and soap. I take another deep breath as he whispers in my ear. He pushes away just as quickly as he came and I feel a twinge of pain. Shaking my head I try to snap out of the intoxicating spell. I can't get involved with Nick right now, there's too much to deal with. I turn my chair and look up as the team begins to sit on the sofa and chairs.

"Man, what's going on with you and Sara?"

Shrugging my shoulders I try to act non-chalante. Warrick's always been considered a close friend, but what I feel about Sara seems wrong to share.. "Nothing. She's just having a rough week."

"More like a rough month. She's been on the edge for way too long. She's in need of some serious action."

I shake my head and glance at her somber face once more before I straddle the chair backwards. I give my full attention to Grissom as he walks into the break room talking about the case we've been working overtime on.

"Okay what do we have?"

I look at Grissom as he sits next to Catherine on the black leather sofa. I know he'll ask me what I discovered from the file. The file I've just been starring at for too long. I take a slow deep breath. I can't handle his questions. I take one last quick glance at Nick and try to focus on something other then the case.

"Warrick, Catherine?"

"We think we found the weapon. We found a bat in the suspects' house. Not sure if it's the murder weapon, we've got Greg running it now."

"Good. If the blood matches to Lucas's then we'll interview him again. We'll need Brass on it the minute we know. I don't want him to slip through again. Sara?"

"Nothing yet." I see the look on his face and I cringe inwards. Disappointment. I hate that. "I'm still working on analyzing the fibers, it's almost done. Just need to do another test or two." I look at the team. They all have the same look of disappointment, although their's more in the shocked category. 'Sara Sidle didn't get all her work done along with trying to do everyone else's at the same time? What's wrong with her?' "Sorry." I dodge the looks from everyone and continue to play with my pen.

"Sara, can I talk to you outside for a moment."

Nodding I stand up, follow Grissom out in the hallway and close the large glass door. "What's up?"

"Sara, I know you've been off, but right now I need you on your best. I'm not telling Lucas's family that we couldn't nail his killer and that we gave him a loop hole."

"I know Grissom. I just have a lot on my mind." Shaking my head I finally come to the realization that all he wants from me is to do my job. Not worried about why or what is affecting me... just wanting me to do my job. This was Grissom and I know that he doesn't get attached; he stays cold and does his job. Why did I ever think he would want something more from me? Right then I feel his hard stare on me and I want to scream.

"You're letting this be personal Sara. I thought you understood..."

"How couldn't I Grissom? An innocent boy was killed because he was afraid to disobey! This is affecting the whole team. Not just me!"

"I know this is hard but you've left no other choice. You can't let yourself get attached. You're paid to do a job not to become emotionally involved."

I fold my arms across my chest knowing I'm letting my anger get the best of me.

"Why don't you take a day or two off, get regrouped."

"Because I don't want to regroup! I want to catch this bastard! Can't you understand this? That this case means more than just putting away this bastard!" I shake my head and look at him.

"You know I hate pulling rank, but you're off the case. At least until you get control back. I can't have this case tainted. I'm sorry Sara."

I clinch my jaw from saying anything. I pause and try to cage my anger. "That's not fair Grissom. You know that! When Catherine gets attached you're fine with it! You give her a little talk and that's it! Why me? Why me!" I look at him and I know my body language is screaming at him with anger.

"Because you're beyond attached. You're letting this control you and I can't have that. You're my best CSI Sara and I can't have you running on empty and then trying to leave again. Go home, I'll tell the rest of the team."

Looking inside I see them all starring at the scene that was just played out. I smile weakly at Nick and turn on my heels.

She's destroyed. I just have to look at her and realize how badly she is. I didn't think it went so far. But now I know it does. Whatever she's going through is eating her alive and Grissom just fed the monsters. "What was that all about?"

"Sara's off the case for a couple of days."

"WHAT!" I stand abruptly and the reaction causes my chair to crash to the ground making a loud noise. "Why would you pull her off the case?"

"She's getting too attached Nick. You know I can't let that destroy this case."

I shake my head. I understand why this case is taking a toil on me but having Sara getting attached to the little boy that was beaten to death just doesn't make sense. I turn my head towards the door hoping she'll be ok until I can get to her.

Throwing my bag in the back of my Tahoe I quickly pick up my pace as I head towards the driver's side door. I don't want to have Catherine trying to calm me down or anyone else telling me it's going to be okay. It's not ever going to be okay and I wish people would quit trying!

I put my keys in the ignition and start up the Tahoe. I turn up my music while backing up from my parking stall. I look in the review mirror; I need to get away from here.

I don't know how I actually ended up parking the Tahoe beside some shrubs outside of Las Vegas on some old dirt road. But here I was. I wiggle myself closer to the edge. My feet are hanging over with my hands propping myself in a sitting position. I use to come here all the time to clear my head, but I haven't been here in a long time. Too long really.

The stars are in the sky with the moon lighting up the dessert. It's beautiful at this time of night. So often I never get to see this sight. Normally I'd be at a crime scene or in the lab trying to make the evidence stronger. To find the missing piece to the puzzle. I feel my lips tug into a smile. Evidence, always coming back to the evidence.

Closing my eyes I let the soft wind kiss my cheeks. I regret not following the evidence. Turning my back on what I knew even when I was so young. I feel a tear spill over and run down my cheek. I hang my head in complete shame. "Saving yourself on every case..." A task that was wearing me thin as time went on. This case especially. Lucas Stanford had been beaten with a bat and then dumped in the park simply because he voiced the fact that he was being sexually abused.

Often I've pondered why people destroy another human in order to give them advantage. Some cases it's to save themselves from a mistake that they had made. Dealing with it in a diplomatic way would be too difficult. Killing someone is so much easier. Shaking my head in disgust I look back towards the midnight sky. You think after watching the news and hearing about criminals being put into jail they'd learn that violence wasn't the answer. They never do, and another DB will be found. Life sucked out of them because of some twisted human not wanting to take ownership for their actions. "I hate myself..."

I drive up to her apartment and hoping to see the familiar Tahoe parked in front. Letting a sigh of relief as I see it parked in her usual spot. Reaching to the passenger's seat I grab the bag of Denny's food.

Slowly I walk up the stairs to her place. Loudly I knock on the door and am not surprised to hear the dead bolts break free. I lift up the food as she swings the door open. "Brought you breakfast." I smile and it only grows when she smiles back.

"Nick you didn't need to bring me breakfast."

"Well in that case I'll just eat it by myself. Wouldn't want you to feel obligated." I wink at her.

"Good try, but I was just being polite. What'd you bring me?" I look into his dark pools of chocolate and feel my defenses melt a little more. Just one look... isn't that a song?

She's beautiful even when she's a mess. "Didn't your mother teach you patience is a virtue?"

"Didn't your mother teach you not to tease a hungry woman? Especially when you're in her house? C'mon what'd you bring me?" I plop down on the stool while resting my elbows on the island, and turning my body as I look at him.

"Never could resist a beautiful girl." Shocked I look at her trying to gauge her reaction. Rather then a disgusted look I get a real smile. Relaxing a bit I sit next to her. "I got you some bacon... sausage..." Checking out her face from the corner of my eye I smile even more. She is adorable when she doesn't know what to say.

"Ahh... Nick..." Please say he didn't bring me that... stuff.

I turn and look at her with puppy eyes. "Sara, I know you're a vegetarian. But you have to admit your face was priceless. I got you eggs, over hard just the way you like. A fruit salad... toast... and a tall glass of orange juice."

Tears form in my eyes. I don't even know why they're there. Maybe just from the fact that he remembered. Remembered that I didn't eat meat and got my favorite order. Or the fact that he went out of his way to do something special for me.

Seeing the tears well up in her eyes breaks my heart. "Hey..."

Quickly I look down. "Thanks Nick." Slowly I lift my gaze and look at him again. "I'm hungry." He must've caught on because he dropped the subject, leaving me with my own thoughts and my fruit salad.

I watch as she brings the coffee. Her hands are a little shaky and I gently place my hand over the two cups, preventing them from spilling. I look her in the eye trying to read those dark chocolate brown eyes. "Wanna talk about it?"

Placing the cups in the steady hands of Nick I simply shrug my shoulders. "Nothing to talk about. Music?" I move as he nods his head. Scanning my selection I see some country. I think I got it as a gag gift from a coworker in San Francisco. Nothing like Garth Brooks. I place the CD into my stereo and bring the remote back to my sofa.

I smile as she pushes 'play' and country music comes through the speakers. "Thought you hated this music."

"I do... but you like it." I smile at him as he gives me a full genuine Nicholas Stokes smile.

"I heard about you being pulled from the case. That's something to talk about."

"Well you know that I was pulled, that's really all there is to talk about."

"That's bullshit and you know it. I know how passionate you were about this case."

I quickly counter his statement. "We all were Nick, even you."

"I can understand Catherine being affected, it deals with children. I can understand Grissom from that case of the boy that he found before. Even Warrick... but you... I don't get it."

"There's nothing to get Nick. Why are you so passionate?" I try to gauge his reaction but it's not at all what I expected. Total darkness goes onto his face. "Well?"

I shift nervously. I was silently praying that she wouldn't ask me why I was so passionate about this case. That I wouldn't have to expose myself to her and let her in. But this is Sara and I should've known that she would push for the truth. "Who wouldn't?"

"You just said that I shouldn't be affected by it."

"It's different Sara."

I shake my head and let out a sigh. "You want me to tell you what's going on but yet you won't let me in? That's not how I work Nick. I thought you knew that?" Quickly I stand up. "I'm gonna go clean up. You can let yourself out." I walk to my bedroom but stop at the door. "Oh and Nick? Thanks for the breakfast." I close the door behind and slump to the floor. I don't get what just happened. We were having a really good morning and then he just gets all spooked. Pulling myself up I shake my head.

"Damnit!" You should've told her Nick! Why the hell won't you just tell her. I mean she has a point, why would she tell you everything if you're not willing to do the same. I look around the room, it was empty not a lot of childhood memories. No pictures of her parents or family members. Only a single picture on the shelf. I walk slowly over to it and smile. It was taken last Christmas. The whole team was there, including Brass, Al, and Greg. That was a good night. Sara had such a good time. I miss those times. I look back at the closed door. I'm not leaving Sara until we talk. Walking over to the front door I open and then lose it, allowing her to believe that I've left. Instead I go back and sit on the couch and wait.

I listen as the door closes and I smile. He's gone and I'm alone again. Brushing the hair out of my face I look into the mirror. I know I shouldn't have kicked him out like that. Nick was just trying to help to make me feel better. To get me to open up... I just... I can't let him in that part of me. I'm scared... too scared some would say. But some haven't gone through what I have.

A couple minutes later I pull my hair up and open the door. I head straight to the kitchen and turn on kettle to prepare a warm pot of tea. Turning around I go to lock the door and stop as the latch is already in place along with the three dead bolts.

"I thought you would want it to be locked."

I spin around and see Nick sitting there smiling at me. "I thought you left."

I stand up and walk over to her until she's backed against the wall. "We haven't talked yet."

My back is pressed against my door and I feel my body temperature rise as he steps closer. "Why are you pushing this Nick?"

I shake my head as I continue to look in to her eyes. They're dark and guarded. "I'm not leaving until we talk about this."

"Nick." My voice was pleading and begging him to stop with the questions and pushing. Before I know what's going on his hand is on my cheek and is gently rubbing.

"Sara, something's going on and I want to help. You've changed; you aren't the same woman anymore. Just let me in... please. What are you afraid of?"

"What are you afraid of?"

"Afraid that I won't be able to save you from whatever is plaguing you." I brush a fallen hair off of her face. "What about you?"

"I can't Nick. I can't tell you... I'm sorry." I'm sure he can tell that I'm totally deflated and have no energy anymore. Hopefully he won't realize that if he pushes, even, just a little more that I'll break.

I watch as the emotions run across her face. "I'm sorry Sara because I can't do that. I can't watch you destroy yourself. I care too much to watch that and know that I didn't do everything that I could."

My eyes well with tears and a choked sob escapes past my lips.

I gently grab her arm and bring her back to the couch. "Sit down."

I comply and scoot next to him. His warm body is close to mine. "I haven't told anyone this. I mean this isn't something that you just mention to someone. I... I don't know if I... I can do this."

Grabbing her hand I enfold it in mine.

"I wasn't very old and... I didn't know any better. I just... I just didn't want to disappoint them. I wanted to be the good girl. To do what was right... but I couldn't do that. I didn't do that." Swallowing I look at him. "You'll be disgusted with me after this. I wish I could change the past." I look up at him with pleading eyes begging him not to hate me for being so weak. "I allowed him to move my hands. For him to be the puppeteer to have complete control and for me to be so helpless. Nick, you know how much I hate being helpless. And I was helpless. Tormented and... damnit I shouldn't have let him do that! I touched him... not because I wanted too, because I was young and scared that my parents would look down at me. I've never told anyone. Ever. To ashamed... to disappointed in myself."

My eyes well with tears as her story of horror slowly sinks further in. "Sara... come here." I open my arms and wrap her in them. Her tears begin to soak my shirt and I cry out for help inwards. "I would never be disgusted at you for this. I just look at you with a stronger respect. You've gone to hell, danced with the devil and have over come it all. You shouldn't have to go through this alone. I'm here Sara... always."

I raise my face to his level. I know what look is on my face, I've starred at it so many damn times. "I... every case... every case I go through it's an attempt to fix the wrongs. To fix what I couldn't do when I was younger. To bring justice the women that couldn't do it on their own. To be the voice in their silent world."

"Sara, you can't take on the world."

"Nick you can't understand what it's like. To have this thing attack you all the time." I feel his finger on my lips and I stop talking.

"But I do because, I've been through this too Sara. I've danced with the devil."

"Nick?"

I choke back a sob and tell her the torment. I feel out of my body, like it isn't really happening. That this isn't me allowing her past my guard and into a place that is kept shut all the time. Her arms wrap about my neck and I cry softly into her neck. Her tears kiss my warm body and I just continue to hold her. Holding each other as the secrets are thrown on the table and I realize that we are both still standing.

I walk into the lab with Nick's hand covering mine. I give a gentle squeeze and turn to face him. "Thanks for last night. I needed that… you."

"Me too. I'll be in the break room." I lean down and give her a small kiss on the forehead.

I place my hand on the doorknob and pray for the best. "Hey Gris, I need to talk to you."

"Sara?" I watch him pull his glasses of his face in his usual fashion. "You're pulled why are you here?"

"Because I talked to someone. I've got control again and a new perspective. It was extremely unprofessional the way I acted, and I'm sorry. No more slip ups, promise."

"Whom did you talk to?"

"Does it matter?" I watch him shake his head. For some reason explaining the connection that Nick and I had last night seems wrong. Wrong to let Grissom in on something so private. We barred our souls and having a connection doesn't happen easily to me. It's sacred. "So, am I back on?"

I watch him nod his head. "Just remember Sara don't taint the evidence with your emotions. We all want this guy, and we'll get him. You're with Nick today, he'll fill you in."

"Thanks." I give him a toothy grin and walk towards the break room and hear Nick's laughter. I stand in the doorway and watch him tease Greg. "Hey guys."

I stop as her voice enters the room. I smile at her and walk over to her. "Well?"

"I'm back." Instantly I feel his hand take mine and squeeze it.

"Good. Let's get this guy." She nods her head and we turn and leave the break room. "I was going over that document yesterday and the fibers match up with our suspects clothing. He said that he didn't see Lucas for the last three days."

"So, should we bring him in for questioning?"

"Brass is suppose to be bringing him into interview room 3. Let's go." I place my hand on the small of her back and lead her. Her warmth brings a shock to my body. Even through her shirt her skin feel soft.

I look through the glass and watch as Brass brings him in. He destroyed that boy because he was willing to stand up for what he knew was right. He was courageous and strong. I listen as Brass grills him and then allows Grissom in on the fun. I knew it wouldn't take long for the guy to break, but as he did I wanted to vomit. I keep starring at him as he told how he killed him and why. That he wasn't going to loose his business and respect because of some child. Some child. Nick presses his body against mine and I lean into him. I wasn't expecting anything to happen with Nick, it was never part of my plan. He just... happened. It seems like I long for his touch when he isn't there. I look up and a tear runs down my cheek again. The little boy wasn't plagued anymore and neither were we.

I move my hand and wipe the stray tear off her cheek. "It's over Sara, it's over."