A/N: .net/s/5726763/1/Stained_ceiling ---- Please read this one first. That is my old account, which for some reason stopped working completely. The support isn't answering and neither is the password recovery so I had to start a new account to upload this. Spellchecked by Sauce-sama with her great english.
I twist and I turn and I fall out of the bed, it must have been a nightmare. At least I'm home now, once again staring at the stained ceiling. I really should clean those stains of.
Kallen's here… That means it wasn't a dream?
"What happened yesterday?"
"Suzaku happened. He found out about Euphemia."
Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuck. I should have known this would happen, that my secret was to be found. I should've known the truth about Euphie's death would float to the surface, that he would find out sooner or later.
Although I have to say he overreacted quite a bit. No need to try and kill me.
"How did he know?" I'll have to keep my cool in front of others. She may be my best friend, and perhaps my only friend right now, but I'm still the leader. I'm still Zero.
"Your father, he's the only one outside the organization who knows anything."
Of course. That bastard had to ruin everything, spill out my secret but only the parts that's negative against me.
Nothing about why I shot her, nothing about how I knew her, only the simple fact that she's dead because of me. He must have loved her so, if the death of someone you've barely known for a month can make you want to kill your best friend since kindergarten. She must have been happy, being loved like that by someone like him. I'm jealous.
"What happened to Suzaku? You… got him hard… with a baseball bat. "
"We left him outside the hospital, he's pretty much okay. A concussion but he'll be healed in a month."
At least that's something. I guess I wouldn't have been able to forgive myself if he was seriously hurt, although it would be cliché. I mean, the evil terrorist killing the princess and then her prince is killed while seeking revenge, both dying in vain. How romantic! Just a few touches of magic and some songs and we'll have a Disney story within two weeks.
Okay, I think I kind of lost track of myself there.
Without my consent or knowledge my eyes started to tear and I wouldn't even have known if it wasn't for the look on Kallens face, screaming out the fact that she had no idea what to do or what to say.
How shameful am I, sitting here, sobbing with my face buried in my hands without a word of thanks for being saved like that, when I really don't deserve it. I mean, I'm sitting here crying like a heartbroken little girl when there are battles to be fought and fathers to be killed.
I, who used to think self-loathing was for idiots. Well I guess I'm an idiot then and so, I feel like laughing out loud.
When I finally looked up again, Kallen had left. I should've figured something like that, since that girl has less tolerance to emotional things then a toad. A very dense toad.
After that it didn't take long until the organization was on full throttle again, racing to reach our goal as fast as possible no matter the consequences.
We took hostages, killed public officials and our situation became better with a better outlook of surviving, but as time went on I couldn't rid myself of the feeling that I was being watched.
A quickly oncoming, strong feeling of dread and fear, as if I was doing everything absolutely wrong, leading my followers into a painful death, when that was what I was trying to stop them from having to experience.
I somehow managed to keep my presence at school spotless and I even started dating, to erase anyone's suspicions. As Kallen's case showed, to stop going to school is a bad idea. She's now a fully fledged terrorist with a high price on her head.
I have no idea why, but as soon as I had a girl backing me up as my girlfriend anyone who had any suspicions went quiet.
As I said, no idea. But that's the way it is.
So I chose Shirley because, well, she obviously liked me and everybody knew that. Personally, I would've preferred the school beauty, Milly Ashford or pretty much anybody else. Shirley was annoying beyond all recognition.
With Milly's serious yet playful personality ( If that's possible. That's the impression she leaves anyway), an impressive body with boobs big as watermelon, hips like a flamenco dancer and to top it off, lovely hair in perfect curls she would make the perfect girlfriend. Smart, interesting, blond, tall and beautiful.
She practically fulfilled the stereotype for a TV-celebrity.
But obviously, she aldready had a boyfriend, who's been completely in love with her since what, five years back? He was a nice guy though, in the student council with me, Shirley and Milly. He has this blueish hair in the weirdest hairstyle ever and brings his motorcycle everywhere. He gives me a ride from time to time. Anyway, they led a happy life, him envied for his girlfriend and she envied for her looks and brains.
Shirley it was, and I guess my choice could have been worse. As mentioned earlier, it felt like she could practically read my mind or at least my feelings but after a week or so I got rid of that feeling, which means either I improved my acting or I just got used to it. In which case, it worked fine for me and I really can't complain about her looks even if she isn't really my type.
With long reddish hair, green eyes and a high-pitched voice, you couldn't miss her and right now that was perfect since I wanted people to think I was just some normal teenage boy, dating a normal teenage girl. For once. I wanted to be seen for once, seen as something I wasn't and would never be.
I was able to keep myself busy, if I wasn't in school or with Shirley, I was working with the organization and so I didn't have that much time for personal thoughts or real feelings. If you didn't pick it up my relationship with Shirley was just an act, based on her one-sided love, and I must say that trying to act out true love my whole schooldays, is so much more work then planning ways to take down an entire empire and kill your own dad. The easy life of a high school terrorist.
I should write a book about it.
But just one or two months after we started dating, something terrible happened. You see, Shirley might've been the talk active sort of person, but she didn't tell me everything just because of that. I actually knew very little of her life, just as she did of mine.
The organization (We have a name, "The organization" just sounds cooler. If you really have to know we are The black Knights. Geekish right? I didn't come up with it, I swear) had it's aim on this meeting, a high class event with all sorts of important people. Some things went wrong and to be honest, everyone in the building got killed. It wasn't planned or anything, we just had them as hostages with the threat "Do as we say or we blow the building up." They played exactly the same card , threatening to blow the entire neighborhood up, including every god damned civilian.
You see? We're the good guys. Unfortunately Shirley's dad was in that building and she started investigating around the organization. She became suspicious of everything and it didn't take long until she actually started following me around. She was quite good at it since I didn't notice until it was to late. Until the day she confronted me about killing her dad.
We talked, she screamed, she cried but when we were done it was as if she was a saint.
She forgave me. She forgave me for killing her dad when Suzaku can't forgive me for killing a girl he'd known for months, if even that. He won't even listen to me.
Damn, it feels as is I'm holding a grudge here.
Back to the point, she decided to forget about it, to help me in her own way by supporting me from the shadows. Her family was rich and from time to time the organization would recive anonymous donations from a certain "Miss S".
We seriously did better than ever before but I couldn't enjoy it, I really did miss that insolent bastard, no matter how insensitive he was or is, he's still my best friend and I didn't want him to hate me. It kind of hurts you know, having a person you love hate you.
That's when I made the best choice I'll ever make, I went to talk with him. I went to explain how it was and why I killed her, how she didn't give me a choice.
I'll take it in the right order.
I went to the hospital, to see if he had been checked out yet and lucky me, he hadn't. When I went to his room I found him topless, doing sit-ups by his bed and so he didn't notice me until I spoke.
"Shouldn't you be in bed, resting or something?" I couldn't keep myself from a sarcastic tone of voice, even though I was here to make peace.
I saw his muscles tense, which honestly scared me quite a bit. He was insanely strong and his muscles seemed bigger when drenched in the sweat from working out all day. It kind of shone.
And so the thought of a shiny Suzaku dancing ballet made me giggle. Suzaku looked mad.
"Why are you here?" He even sounded mad, frowning and looking at me as if I was his worst enemy.
Wait, I am his worst enemy. Damn.
"I came to explain." I tried to sound pleading and humble. I failed quite badly.
"There's nothing to explain, you killed her." He really hates me, doesn't he?
But really, how stubborn can a person be? I'm trying to save our friendship here, I'm trying to get my best friend back and he's like that, this is impossible, like making a rabbit attack a dog without infecting it with some weird virus.
"There's a lot to explain."
"You shot her in the head."
"I had no choice! Are you willing to throw away over ten years of friendship for an accident?"
That better make him shut up, I hate saying cheesy lines like that. Makes me feel like I'm part of some romantic story or something. That would mean that I would be dating Suzaku? Eww. Although I'm sure he would have big boobs as a girl. I should make him dress up like that when this is all over.
"I... I loved her."
Yeah, I got it already, she's my sister, dude, take a chill pill or something. People die all the time and usually you get over it after a while.
"I'm sorry. I really didn't mean for this to happen."
It worked! He's looking at me, filled with guilt for not listening to my reasons. This is my time to shine, I'll just have to explain everything nice and slowly without revealing secrets of the organization.
So I started telling this little story of mine, I'll sum it up since the actual conversation took somewhere around two hours and that would be a lot of text, that I can tell you for sure.
The thing with Euphemia, Euphie, my step-sister, is that I loved her yet I despised her. She was always so nice to everybody, couldn't hurt a fly. When I was little, I loved her for that but as I grew up being compared to her all the time I hated her for it. All I could see when I looked at her was a false lying brat, doing all she could to live up to her own self-image. She did not do things to help other, but to help herself.
She was so deceitful and manipulating it made me sick to the bone, but I somehow still loved her as my sister.
When I was ten, our mother was killed and we moved away from England to stay here. It was an assassination, she was poisoned at our very own dinner table, with father present.
Who it was to blame was a well known fact in the family but nobody did anything about it, nobody seemed to care about me and my poor sister.
Accidents started happening near me and Nunnally, accidents that easily could have killed us if we hadn't been as lucky as we were. I started cooking our food to avoid us being poisoned and I followed Nunnally everywhere to protect her but I still failed.
It's my father's fault that she's the way she is, she was accidentally pushed down some stairs and broke both her legs, hitting her head and spine, damaging the nervous system. Forever trapped in a wheelchair, blind on both eyes at the age of eight.
After that, the accidents suddenly stopped and no one ever knew why, and life went one slowly.
That was until I met Kallen, a boyish girl in my school. She wanted to revolt to the government and we had many heated discussions about how to handle these problems. Two years ago, when my father once again tried to rid himself from us, we started the so called "organization" who deployed in well planned rebellious actions united with terror groups from all over the country.
One year after we started the organization, my childhood friend Suzaku started going to our school. I heard rumors that he had joined the army to change the system from the inside and I got them confirmed from him as well. I valued his efforts highly but I knew it was a lost cause, that way would never work, not under my father's command if his own family couldn't do any difference.
And so my best friend became my worst enemy without knowing it himself, not until recently and we all know how that went.
I was quite shocked when I found out Suzaku and Euphemia were in love and I couldn't for my life figure out how they met or even what Euphie was doing here. As it went on, I got to spend less time with Suzaku due to his army work and my sister and so I found my self growing kind of jealous.
They had their happy time everyday when I was fighting to free the nation.
Now to the most important part. Euphemia somehow figured out that the man behind the scenes was me and several times tried to convince me to stop, that our family would be ruined as well as the country if it continued like this.
But she hasn't seen what I have, she's always lived in her castle, as the little princess loved by everyone, now even Suzaku. She did not know how the true world was, and that is what I tried to tell her but she wouldn't listen. The calm discussion turned into a heated argument, which in it's turn turned into a fight.
Verbal fight that is, both her and my physical strength is that of a five year old I would guess. I don't go out much, even when fighting it's always guns or machines doing the job. Modern technology has achieved a lot, and I usually skip gym class.
The fight went on and on and on and you get the idea, after a while she called her guards and I must say that counts as cheating. I grabbed my double colt eagle, 22 caliber rounds (yes, I looked up gun names and memorized them) and shot at the closest guard in the leg. It went dramatic and it ended up as a standoff between me and Euphie.
You couldn't guess that huh? That little nice princess Euphemia would pull a gun on me. Well she did so shut up, you callin' me a liar?
It was like an old cowboy movie, we both shot at the same time but the difference is, she missed. I kind of missed to, I mean, it hit her, but I meant to shoot her in the shoulder and not the head. My bad, but as I said, I didn't really like her anyway.
Although I phrased it so it sounded better for my part, a lot better actually. Even I'd forgive myself and I'm not a very forgiving person.
Call me evil or whatever but the only thing I'm doing is trying to get my friend back. He won't be happier with trying to kill me than forgiving me so why not make it easy on him? That's my point of view anyway.
After that long explanation that would make this explanation seem small as an ant, Suzaku looked somewhat perplexed. My awesome explanation must have given him feelings of guilt and despair, realizing he has always loved me with all his heart… as a friend that is.
I watched as he stood up, everything was as in slow motion, he stood up, looked at me for a few seconds and…
… punched me in the face.
I was so right about his strength, those muscles did not lie. That punch made me fly right into the wall and I'm pretty sure he broke my nose. It hurt as hell anyways.
"Now we're even." he said and hugged me.
So that was it? Just a little quick bit of revenge by punching my face flat? How delightful.
And so I hugged him back, happy for him to believe me. My nose hurt but damn, he smelled quite good. A tad of sweat, but not the disgusting kind, more like the kind that just smells like salt, and of course, he just smelled like Suzaku.
That kind of smell is hard to identify, but everyone smells different, that you must know.
The hug continued for about thirty seconds, and when it ended, the room was filled by an awkward silence. After another thirty seconds of silence, I just said the first thing I could think of.
"How's your head?"
That might not have been the best thing to say since that injury was pretty much all my fault but all he did was laugh.
"It's fine, how's your nose?" He laughed and sat down on the bed.
Oh, it hurts a lot, I tell you, you don't want that guy punching you face.
"Doesn't hurt a bit", I smirked, trying to tease him. "Have you been getting weaker lately?"
He raised his eyebrow at me, not giving any response, dammit that bastard's aware of his own strength.
Awkward silence, when one person hates the other for a while it really does hurt your relationship. Romantic books are full of shit.
Well I could ask about that… I have been thinking of it for long now and… This was a pretty damn good opportunity so I might as well take it.
"Did you really love Euphemia that much?"
There. I said it, and now I was just stuck with biting my lower lip while waiting for response. An answer I really hoped would be no, that would make things so much easier.
He looked embarrassed and sad which really made me regret asking that. It was none of my business even if i had been jealous for quite a long time. Damn this friendship thing.
"I… I think I did."
He thinks? That's just swell. What's with people not knowing their feelings? It's not like I'd be going around in love with someone without noticing, that'd just be silly.
There's no one I could possibly in love with anyway, even though there are people I love as family or friends. But I guess Suzaku and Kallen are the only friends I have, which can't count as much.
One with the mental capacity of a fish and one with the emotional tolerance of a toad. I should get out more, I really need new friends.
I nodded in response, not knowing what to say, slightly lost in my line of thought, thinking about exactly how much mental capacity Suzaku had compared to a fish. He wasn't smart, that was for sure.
He didn't seem to mind my lack of verbal response which I found a real relief, now that I at least had an indirect, unsure answer to my little question.
"Did I upset you?" I really couldn't stand looking at him, sitting there with his head down, looking like an abandoned puppy. He really did have a dog kind of look, with his big green teary eyes and brown hair hanging down in front of his eyes.
"No, you didn't. I just started thinking about it, if I really loved her or not."
Hope not, he's only a friend but that doesn't mean that I don't want him for myself. I guess I'm the possessive type when it comes to people I love, even as friends.
"Does it matter now?" What would be the best way to wipe that expression of his face? If this goes on then I'll just feel more guilty over this whole accident, it looks like he'll start crying any minute now.
"No, I guess it doesn't." He tried smiling, but failed pretty hard and it turned into quite a face with tears running down his cheeks.
"I'm really, really sorry" I took a seat next to him, trying to offer some comfort by hugging him softly. I haven't hugged this much for years, I kind of like it.
He didn't move, just sat there sobbing quietly for something that felt like forever. In the beginning I tried whispering comforting words but as it didn't work I simply held him until it stopped. As I said, it felt like forever.
When that forever had finished I stood up and grabbed my things. It was getting dark outside (That had been a long forever) and so I thought of retreating back home.
"Where are you going?" The strong soldier Kururugi Suzaku looked lonely, sitting in the hospital bed with eyes red from crying for the first time in years.
"I was planning on going home now...?" Though it didn't seem like that would be happening anytime soon. Damn that over sensitive teenager.
"Can't you stay… A little while longer?" he said, looking like he'd start crying again. And looking into his big, teary green eyes I could no nothing but smile and take a seat again, next to him. I think I might've found my weak spot, those puppy-eyes will kill me with a heart attack one day.
Is it just me or is this getting pathetic?
He seemed relieved and leaned onto me once again, sighing softly to himself.
"I…" His voice seemed unusually calm. Was he going to…? No, that's not possible.
"I'm glad you came here." Thought so, there's no way in hell anything like that would actually happen in real life. Only in my dreams, really bad, bad dreams.
I ran my fingers through his brown curls, trying to once again provide him with some comfort. His hair felt like silk and the scalp was warm against my cold hand and I wanted this feeling to last as long as possible.
"You're cold." He always liked stating the obvious, even when we were kids. I just nodded softly in response and continued warming my hand in his hair.
He took both my hands in his, held them firmly in his to warm them up. I got goosebumps, feeling the contrast between our skin. His touch felt like fire, burning my ice cold skin as the warmth spread through my hands and arms.
Time passed and we were sitting there, talking or just looking at each other or the room in perfect harmony. Nothing was awkward anymore, but when I finally let my eyes wander to the clock by the door, the time was already passed midnight. It's no wonder I was sleepy, and I could see that Suzaku was getting tired as well.
"You should sleep, I have to leave soon. It's a miracle the hospital personnel haven't thrown me out yet" He smirked in response, smirked in that annoying way that makes you feel like you've missed something important.
"This hospital belongs to the military, and since I'm part of it, my guests can stay as long as they like. You're not going anywhere."
I frowned and tried to looks mad. Unfortunately, it didn't work, he just kept that smirk and raised an eyebrow in response.
"Can you at least let me sleep a bit?" I glanced at the clock again. If I was going to get to school in time, now was probably the right time to sleep.
"Sleep all you want." He moved over, made space in the small bed and lied down. I kicked my shoes off and placed myself next to him, trying to sleep.
His back was against mine, and once again I felt how my body absorbed his warmth and turned it into my own.
I haven't felt at ease like this for… weeks, if not months. Not since the fight, that dreadful day. And so when I fell asleep I for once felt sure that I wouldn't wake up from a nightmare.
My first time writing a fanfic this long, please review?