AN: So this started out as a one-shot about Emma and Sean the day of the shooting...but it slowly turned into 22 pages of well...THIS. I have yet to read a fic where I feel like it really captures the essence of Emma and Sean's relationship during that day. And the fact that they didn't show what happened in between the gun going off and then seeing Sean alive in the office really pissed me off! It's always bothered me wondering what happened during those moments. When I imagine it in my head, it doesn't always happen like how I wrote in this fic. But today it did. And today, this is how I saw the aftermath of the shooting. But maybe when I get a little more time, I'll write a multi-chapter re-telling of how I think the rest of season four should have gone. In the meantime, here it is. This was actually pretty emotional for me to write. I try not to get to dark in my fics, but for some reason this has been running through my mind for days and I had to get it all written out. Let me know what you think! And also no worries I am definitely continuing the two open fics I have going right now, I've just been busy. And I also have a writing prompt for a reader that I plan to get to asap! I didn't forget!
I don't own Degrassi or it's characters, obvs.
-X-
Emma Nelson didn't know what to do. She sat with her parents and Ashley Kerwin and her mom Kate at the Simpson's kitchen table. Toby had just stormed out of the house obviously more sad than he was angry. Ashley just kept going on and on about how Rick was a monster and that she wanted answers and that Jimmy was shot. Emma knew all of that. Toby knew all of that. Emma didn't understand why Ashley just kept repeating it. Come to think of it, why the hell was Ashley even here anyways? Toby had shown up at her doorstep mere minutes after she'd arrived back home with her parents, his step-mom and her daughter not far behind him. Toby kept looking at her like she would either shatter like glass right in front of his eyes, or like she would say something that would make sense of all of this. But how was she supposed to know what to say? What to do? The only thing that had been racing through her mind since Rick shoved a gun in her face was the only thing that she hadn't been able to get off of her mind since she met him: Sean Cameron. Why had he saved her? Last Emma checked she either didn't exist to him or on the days that she did, she was so obviously just a pain in his ass. He'd gone from giving her angry smoldering glares in the hallway to barely even acknowledging her existence except for the time he was trying to make out with Ellie and walk at the same time and had bumped into Emma. He'd muttered an I'm sorry and pushed past her like she was a stranger. The only time they'd spoken all year was when Ellie stopped Emma and Paige in the hallway to comment on their campaign against Rick. Sean barely said a word and avoided eye contact like the plague. And now he was following her down hallways and jumping in front of bullets for her? She was so confused. What did it mean? Emma wanted to believe that Sean was just a hero and he would have saved anyone but she knew that wasn't true. Sean wasn't stupid. She'd seen the way he looked at her when she walked towards the hallway all of their fellow students had just run screaming from. He knew whatever was down there, wasn't going to be pretty. But he'd chosen to follow her anyways. He'd even pushed her behind him and put himself between her and Rick's gun. When Rick had so obviously made it clear that he was only there to shoot Emma and no one else, Sean saved her anyways. He could have just let Rick shoot her and walk away scot free. Rick wasn't even trying to hurt Sean or Toby. But instead, he'd grabbed the gun and wrestled Rick for it until it went off and both boys fell to the ground. Emma was still frozen in place with Toby latched onto her arm for dear life. Neither of them moved for a few minutes until Emma finally snapped herself out of it and ran towards the pile of blood and sprawled limbs on the hallway in front of her.
"Emma, don't!" Toby pleaded from behind her.
But Emma didn't care. She had to know. Was he ok?
"Emma, the gun…" Toby sputtered.
Emma knew what he was trying to say. He didn't see the gun, which meant it was likely still clutched in Rick's hand. And Emma had been at the top of Rick's list. Running his direction hadn't been the smartest decision she'd ever made but Emma hadn't cared. She had to know if Sean was ok. Was he hurt? Oh god there was so much blood.
"I don't care! Toby run!" Emma shrieked back not wanting her friend to get caught in the crossfire.
Not like Sean had. Oh, god. Was he alright?
"Emma.." Toby's voice faltered. He hadn't wanted to follow her to where Sean and Rick lay, but he also didn't want to leave her there alone.
"Toby, go!" Sean's voice boomed from underneath Rick's body.
At the sound of his voice Toby finally lept into action and ran towards Raditch's office.
"Sean?" Emma asked reaching her hand down to his shoulder.
"Em...I think..Emma...I think he's dead." Sean gasped out through his gritted teeth almost afraid to move.
What if he wasn't? Had Rick stopped breathing? Sean didn't know. But he was terrified to find out, either way.
"Rick?" Emma asked quietly, leaning down closer to Sean's face.
Sean breathed in her scent. Vanilla. He'd almost forgotten how much he used to crave her smell, her taste, her touch. It had been ages since they'd been that close.
"I think he might be…" Emma whispered, reaching up and putting her ice cold fingers to Rick's throat to feel for a pulse.
When she didn't find one, she looked at Sean silently nodding. Sean visibly relaxed before he pushed Rick lightly off of him. Emma gasped. Oh god, there was so much blood.
"Please tell me that isn't coming from you," Emma whispered reaching for him.
Sean slid further and further away from Rick, slipping in the puddle of blood on the floor in the process. He fell back down and Emma reached out to try and steady him. It hadn't worked and she ended up falling on top of him. Emma barely noticed, she was too busy checking Sean's body for bullet wounds. Every time she didn't find one, she found herself getting more and more frantic.
"Where's it coming from? Sean? Where's it coming from? I can't fix it if I don't know where he hurt you!" She screeched, not even realizing she was sitting on his lap pushing her hands up under his shirt and blood soaked hoodie.
"Emma..Em..Em, stop!" Sean grabbed her arms roughly forcing her to look into his eyes.
"It's not my blood." he whispered.
"Oh god." tears streamed down her face.
Emma couldn't help herself she wrapped her arms around him as tightly as she could and buried her face in his neck.
He held her back for a few minutes not really knowing what to say or what to do. Emma grabbed his strong arms and pulled back to look into his eyes. Sean hissed at the contact and Emma Pulled back.
"You are hurt,aren't you?" she questioned when he avoided her gaze.
"It's just..my arm.." Sean hadn't even realized it hurt.
Emma ripped his hoodie off his shoulders and saw a very visible bullet wound through the fleshy muscular part of his left arm. She gasped and instantly went to inspect it further.
"Ow, shit!" he cursed when she pulled his sweatshirt back up and pressed it tightly to his arm to stop the bleeding.
"We don't know how bad it is, Sean. It's better to try and stop it bleeding just in case."
They both froze at her words. Just in case. Oh, god. They'd been so close to losing each other. For real this time.
"Emma...I.." Sean didn't know what to say.
Emma I love you? He couldn't say that. He had Ellie. And he and Emma hadn't been together in a long time. But shit, he'd just jumped in front of a bullet for her. He really did feel like he should say something.
"Don't...just...don't," she whispered still putting all of her attention into his arm.
She didn't want to hear him say that he had made a mistake by saving her. Which he obviously had. How many other people had gotten hurt because of her? Rick said he'd already shot someone hadn't he? Oh, god. What had her rejection done? She caused this hadn't she?
"Em! Emma!" they heard Mr. Simpson yelling from down the hall.
"They're down this way!" Toby echoed him, footsteps thundering in their direction.
Emma looked into Sean's eyes and he looked back. Neither one knew what to say, but they hadn't made an effort to move either. She was still sitting in his lap trying to apply pressure to his wounded arm and he was still letting her, his good arm wrapped firmly around her waist.
"Archie, no! You don't know what's happened there! Wait for the police!" Raditch tried to whisper.
"She's my daughter, Dan." Archie said simply before pushing Toby back into Raditch's waiting arms and walking down the hallway terrified of what he would find.
Toby didn't even try to struggle, he just let Raditch pull him into an empty classroom while they waited for the police.
When Archie Simpson turned down the hallway of doom, he had expected to see many things. But seeing his daughter huddled into Sean Cameron's lap trying in vain to fix whatever wound it was that had the boy covered in blood while Sean just rubbed her back and tried to soothe her, was probably the most heartbreaking thing he'd ever seen in his life.
"Oh my god, Emma!" Snake yelled running towards them.
"I have to stop the bleeding." Emma just kept whispering over and over again.
Sean looked into Archie's eyes.
"He's..he's dead Snake. I think the gun is under him somewhere I don't know."
Archie nodded looking at Sean's over Emma's head.
"Are you hurt?" he asked almost afraid of the answer with all the blood he saw.
"It's..not my blood Snake." Sean whispered.
Archie nodded and touched Emma's shoulder. She flinched but still hadn't acknowledged his presence yet.
"Em? Emma?"
Emma just kept rocking back and forth holding onto Sean's arm for dear life.
Archie tried again.
"Emma, we need to get out of here and let the police do their job." he whispered.
Emma flinched.
"But, Sean..he needs to go to the hospital."
Sean sighed.
"Em, I'm fine really. I told you.."
"So much blood..so much blood." she whispered.
Archie looked at Sean and sean gave him silent permission with his eyes.
They had to get her out of this hallway.
"Emma, come on let me help you." Archie went to grab her arms and pull her up to her feet when Emma opened her mouth and let out the loudest blood curdling scream he'd ever heard in his life.
Startled, Archie pulled his arms back afraid he had possibly hurt her and Sean's eyes teared up.
Neither of them knew what to do.
"Emma, come on we need to get out of here," Sean whispered.
Emma nodded her head but still hadn't made an effort to move. So Sean did the only thing he could think of at the moment. He stood up, cradling her in his arms as he did so. Emma yelped at the sudden movement but made no move to stop him when he scooped her up and stood on shaky feet.
"Sean…" Archie noticed the way Sean hissed when he picked up Emma.
His eyes saw the wound Emma had been covering up and he noticed how blood oozed out of a very clear bullet hole in Sean's arm.
"I'm fine." Sean grit out.
In reality his arm was on fire and with every step he took, it hurt worse and worse. But he wasn't going to abandon Emma here. They needed to get the hell out of this hallway and Sean knew the only way to do that was to take her with him.
Emma buried her face in Sean's shoulder and kept her arms firmly latched around his neck.
"Which way?" Sean whispered looking past her into Archie's eyes.
Archie pat Sean lightly on the back and motioned for Sean to follow him. Sean's steps got shakier by the minute but he wouldn't let her down. Not again. He needed to get them to safety. He would not break down. Not yet. Sean followed Snake towards the office where swat teams were stationed laying low, waiting to find out what to do. Archie held his hands out in a surrender gesture.
"My name is Archie Simpson. I'm a teacher here. The student behind me is Sean Cameron. He is NOT the gunman, do NOT shoot. He can't hold up his hands because he's holding my daughter. He's also been shot. I'm under the impression the boy that was shooting is now dead. He's down that hallway. Please let me get these two students to safety. They need to get to a hospital." Archie said loudly and clearly not willing to let a misunderstanding get Emma or Sean into harm's way.
Things happened pretty quickly after that. The swat team flew down the opposite hallway and paramedics ran towards Emma and Sean, taking her from his arms.
Emma shrieked but didn't fight them. Sean waited until Emma had been taken to the other room before he let his legs give out on him and he fell to the floor.
"We need help over here!" Archie yelled kneeling beside him.
"Sean! Sean, are you ok?"
Sean just nodded.
"Go. She needs you." Sean whispered letting a few tears escape his eyes.
Archie looked at him feeling torn. He needed to be there for his daughter, but Sean had been hurt. Who was going to be there for him?
"Go," Sean whispered again pleading with his eyes.
Snake nodded and squeezed his shoulder one last time before leaving the room.
After that, Emma hadn't seen Sean again. Snake had told her that the wound had been superficial and hadn't even needed stitches. The paramedic had patched Sean up and the last time Archie had seen him, Sean was in good hands in the office. Emma had been too afraid to ask more and then the questions had started. When her mom and Snake finally went to take her home, she'd caught a small glimpse of him out of the corner of her eye. He was sitting at a table next to a detective with his head in his hands. His arm had been bandaged and he'd changed into his gym clothes. Emma froze wanting to talk to him but Raditch had all but kicked the three of them out. Snake hadn't known what to do. He found himself torn between wanting to help Sean and being there for his family. In the end, his family won out and he'd taken his wife and daughter home. They'd soon been joined by Toby and his step mom and Ashley and now here they were watching the news in the kitchen and Toby had just stormed out of the house.
Emma mumbled something and about being back soon and ran out after him.
-X-
Emma found herself back at the one place she never wanted to see again: Degrassi. She'd followed Toby the entire way there knowing he knew she was back there but giving him the space to walk by himself. There was a candlelight vigil being held in front of the school and Toby had somehow squished his way to the very front of it. He finally let his grief show as tears escaped his eyes and Emma ran to comfort her friend. She let herself cry with him as she held Toby's head in her arms. They stood like that for a while, until Emma had seen JT and Manny run towards them at full speed.
"Oh my god! Are you guys ok?" Manny screeched diving in between Emma and Toby and pulling them both into her arms.
JT hadn't known what to say. He'd only heard what had happened and that they were both safe. He and Manny had run all the way here after getting a call from Emma's parents. JT knew he'd been a shitty friend to Toby. He just didn't know how to be here for him now. He did the only thing he could do, he wrapped his arms around his three friends and let Toby cry on his shoulder.
It wasn't too long after that when Emma pulled away from her friends and mumbled something about needing to get home. They tried to walk with her but Emma refused. Manny reluctantly agreed to let her go alone after Toby had refused to let JT and her go. She wanted to be there for Emma but she couldn't just leave Toby like this. It's not like JT knew what to say or do to be there for him.
Emma reassured her friends one more time that she'd be ok and melted into the crowd of people hoping to lose herself quickly. She'd been looking for Sean since she'd gotten there but she had yet to see him. It wasn't like Sean to come to something like this anyways. But Emma knew she had to find him. She knew it wasn't her place to comfort him..he had Ellie! Last Emma heard, they were living together in Sean and Tracker's old apartment. He was probably laying in her arms right now. But Emma had to see for herself. She remembered where it was, she'd been there plenty of times in the past few years in the middle of the night. Sean used to sneak her in after Tracker had fallen asleep and she's snuck out of her basement bedroom. They'd just lay together on the couch and watch bad horror movies and cuddle..sometimes make out...but Sean had never pressured her to do more.
Emma didn't really have a plan but she figured she would just lurk outside of his apartment for a few minutes just to maybe see him through the window and make sure he was ok before she went home. She felt like a crazy stalker but she had to know for sure! She had to see with her own eyes that he was ok!
-X-
"El, I'll be ok. Just go to bed. I'll do the same, really." Sean coaxed just wanting his girlfriend to go back to her bedroom and shut the door.
He'd been in a weird trance ever since he got home from the school and he was exhausted. He just wanted to be alone! Ever since Ellie had moved in, Sean slept on the couch and she slept in the bedroom. They'd never once slept in that bed together even just to cuddle. Sean hadn't wanted to pressure her and for the first time in a while he was glad he hadn't pushed the issue. He couldn't imagine having the crawl into bed next to Ellie and hold her while they fell asleep. Not tonight. It would feel too much like a betrayal to Emma. Sean didn't understand why he felt that way, he hadn't thought about Emma and him in a long time. At least he'd tried not to think about her. But tonight, he could do nothing else. And he didn't want to talk to Ellie about what had happened today. It felt to personal...like something that had happened between only he and Emma that wasn't anyone else's business. He felt kind of crazy thinking that way but he didn't care. Tonight he didn't feel like justifying how he felt. He only wanted to be alone. If he got Ellie to go to bed, maybe he could sneak out in a little bit and head to Emma's house. It's not like he was going to knock on her door or tell her he was there, he only wanted to peek into her basement window. He needed to see for himself that she was really ok and in one piece after what had happened today. Sean felt like he deserved that.
Ellie sighed refusing to look him in the eye.
"Ok. Just...don't be afraid to let me know if you need anything." she whispered before heading back to bed.
Sean waited for the click of the door before letting himself visibly relax. He felt kind of guilty for shutting her out like that, but he didn't know what else to do. If he wasn't careful, he would break. And Sean Cameron knew what it was like to break down. He couldn't afford that, not again. He let himself get comfortable and stretch out on the touch, hoping the exhaustion would pull him into a deep sleep. Two hour later nothing had happened and Sean was done denying it. He had to go to Emma's just to see. Then he would be able to sleep. He didn't bother creeping back to the bedroom to check and see if Ellie had fallen asleep or not. He just put on his shoes and silently closed the door behind him.
-X-
Emma had just found her way to Sean's apartment when the front door opened and there he was. She probably should have attempted to duck behind a tree or something before he noticed her but she wasn't in the mood for games. Sean turned after closing the door quietly behind him and walked in her direction. His steps faltered as soon as he noticed her standing there. They both stood frozen in place, neither of them really sure what to say or what to do.
Emma spoke first.
"Sorry. For coming here like this. I just...I need to …" she broke off not really knowing what to say.
The words just kind of sputtered and died in her throat and she fell silent.
Sean nodded.
"Yeah, me too. I was actually just headed to your place."
Emma was shocked. He was?
"You were?" she ground out beneath her gritted teeth.
She shouldn't have come here. This was a mistake. This was her ex-boyfriend's apartment that he shared with someone else. Sean wasn't hers to claim anymore.
Sean nodded.
"I just..I wanted to make sure you were ok." he whispered.
Emma couldn't help it, tears started streaming down her face. Sean looked horrified. He'd made her cry...again.
"I wish I could tell you that I was." she choked out.
Sean nodded, completely understanding.
They were interrupted by Ellie calling Sean's name from inside the apartment. She hadn't yet figured out that he was just outside and he didn't want her to find out anytime soon. He grabbed Emma's hand and pulled her down the street with him. Neither of them said a word, she just let him hold her hand and followed. Sean didn't really know where to take them, but he knew they needed to get out of there and they needed to be together. He felt guilty about it, but he couldn't help it. He and Emma needed this. Ellie was just going to have to understand.
-X-
While they walked, still hand in hand, Sean kept trying to convince himself that whatever this was tonight with Emma wasn't romantic. It wasn't even really a friend being there for a friend. It was just the need for the two of them to be alone together to try and work through what they'd lived through today. Emma's tears had slowed into small sniffles and Sean found his heart breaking. He was unable to look over at her even though he was dying to look into her eyes. He was terrified of what she would let him see. The two of them had lived happily avoiding each other since their breakup. They'd never really talked about what had gone down between them but their animosity had cooled quite a bit since he'd spent the summer fixing Simpson's car. She'd even let her parents invite him to stay for dinner a few times passing him the butter from across the table with a forced smile on her face. He knew that he'd hurt her and that she wasn't over what had happened but had still tried hard to make him feel welcome there.
"Sean? Where are we going?" she asked after what had seemed like an eternity of silence.
Sean shrugged.
"Anywhere but my place or yours."
She looked over at him and he didn't bother to hide the sorrow in his eyes. He needed to be with her. Just for the night. Then they could both go back into their comfortable routine of ignoring each other. Just tonight.
Emma didn't question him, she just kept walking. Sean breathed a sigh of relief and held her hand tighter.
Eventually they found themselves wandering towards the ravine. Jay and his buddies partied pretty hard there a lot, but tonight it was empty. It was close enough to the school that no one wanted to be there due to all the reporters and crowds at the candlelight vigil. Emma sat on top of the old picnic table by the fire pit and Sean sat next to her. They hadn't spoken to each other much but their hands were still tightly interlocked. Emma started looking around and took inventory of the place. The makeshift fire pit was completely burnt out tonight, there were empty beer cans and cigarette butts everywhere. Sean saw her notice the van in the corner and saw her eyes go wide.
"So this is what people do in the ravine, huh?"
Sean laughed.
"Yeah, this is what they do in the ravine."
Emma nodded.
"What's the van for?" she asked even though she was pretty positive she already knew the answer.
Sean scratched the back of his head.
"It's...um..for hooking up." he mumbled.
Emma nodded again. It was obvious Sean hung out here.
"Spend a lot of time in there?" she joked.
Sean untangled his hand from hers. Emma instantly missed the warmth and security she felt from it.
"I was just kidding." she said.
Sean nodded.
"I know...I just..yeah..I spent some time in there before."
Emma understood what he meant. After they'd broken up, he'd spent some time in there.
"Do you like have to be in the ravine to get action?" Emma joked.
Sean eyebrows shot up and he found himself chuckling. Since when did he chuckle?
"Come to think of it, the ravine has always been pretty lucky for me." he winked at her.
Emma laughed.
"Tell that to Kendra Mason." she playfully punched his arm.
Sean sighed.
"That damn Kendra Mason. I've cursed her existence so many times since then." he joked.
Emma straightened up slightly confused.
"Why is that? She walk in on you and Amy in the van?"
Sean could sense the animosity in her voice but he honestly couldn't blame her. He was such a piece of shit to her.
Sean cleared his throat.
"No. I just..I don't know. If she hadn't seen us that day, maybe things would have turned out differently." Sean admitted.
Emma let that sink in.
"But I mostly just hated her because she interrupted us when you were finally letting me..well you know.." Sean wiggled his eyebrows at her.
Yeah, Emma did know. She'd been in the process of letting Sean unbutton her pants when Kendra had stumbled by and seen them.
Yeah, that's right. Emma Innocent Virgin Nelson had almost let her hunky boyfriend in her pants in the woods. They'd never even gotten remotely close to going that far before and Emma didn't know what had come over her when she'd pulled Sean on top of her and practically guided his hands to her belt. All she knew was that she wanted more. After Kendra had caught them it wasn't really so much that Emma was embarrassed but that she was scared. Sean made her feel things she didn't think she was old enough to feel. If no one had found them, Emma wasn't sure if she would have stopped him if he had tried to sleep with her. It was hard enough that she was so desperately in love with him, but to add sex to the mix? Emma was only fourteen at the time. And her father had been practically dying. She had so many emotions going through her head at the time she hadn't known how to deal with them all.
"Well I'm sure you got plenty more of you know with Amy than you would have with me. Maybe she did you a favor. You are a horny teenage boy after all." Emma pointed out.
Sean was starting to get a little aggravated. He hadn't brought her here to fight!
Emma instantly realized her mistake.
"Sorry, I..I didn't mean to bring up the past." she whispered.
Sean sighed.
"No, it's ok. I deserved that. But to be honest Emma, it wasn't just about getting action with you. You know that. I cared about you."
Emma put her hand over his.
"I know."
They fell into a comfortable silence but it wasn't long before Emma just couldn't help herself. She had to know.
"So what was it like?"
Sean looked at her confused. Emma motioned towards the van.
"Losing your virginity? What was it like?" she asked.
Sean thought his heart was going to beat out of his chest. WHAT? Why would she ask him something like that? The sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach hit him all to well. She was asking because she thought that's why he broke up with her. She thought he dumped her to just get laid. She wasn't giving in to him so he just found the first whore willing to give him the time of day and fucked her.
"Wait...is that what you think?"
Emma looked confused.
"That I dumped you to screw around?"
Emma shrugged and avoided eye contact. Yeah, that's exactly what she thought.
"Well for the record, I wouldn't know."
"Know what?" Emma asked.
"What it's like to have sex..lose your virginity..I wouldn't know." Sean looked into her eyes.
Wait, Sean was still a virgin? But he'd practically dry humped Amy in class right in front of her. And he'd been living with Ellie for months. There was no way.
"But..Ellie.." Emma didn't know what to say.
Sean sighed and broke eye contact.
"...sleeps in the bedroom...alone.." Sean finished for her.
He saw Emma working it all out in her head and putting the pieces together.
"And you and Amy..?"
"Yeah, Amy and I got physical. But it never went further than a blowjob or two." Sean confessed.
Emma felt her cheeks heat at his words. Blow job wasn't the dirtiest thing she had ever heard but hearing it coming from Sean was enough to make her think about doing it. Which was enough to make her cheeks red.
Sean laughed.
"So I'll take it from the embarrassing look on your face that you and Chris never.."
Emma scoffed and hit his arm lightly.
"That would be a hell no." she muttered.
"What ever happened between you two anyways?" Sean didn't so much ask it as he wondered it out loud.
Emma shrugged.
"Every time he would touch me I just...I don't know. I guess I just freaked out. And he had been pretty physical with his ex Melanda. He eventually got bored with my virtue and cheated on me." Emma confessed.
She hadn't told anyone the truth about her and Chris's breakup...not even Manny. She'd been too ashamed. But things had been different with Sean. Sean made her feel things she hadn't even known were possible to feel. But Chris? They just had no chemistry and making out with him usually just ended in her being uncomfortable and finding an excuse to leave.
"Wow, what an asshole."
Emma gave him "the look" and Sean just laughed.
"Hey, I didn't CHEAT on you!" he defended himself.
Emma looked down.
"But you have to admit it...me not exactly being...sexy was an issue." she choked out.
She couldn't believe she was talking to Sean about this!
Sean snorted his disbelief.
"Emma, believe me you not being sexy was NOT the issue."
Emma looked up at him and he stared pretty intensely into her eyes.
"It was more or so like you were TOO sexy, Em. It was like every time I was around you, it became harder and harder to control myself. I tried not to pressure you but...it was hard. Not being able to be close with you and kiss you was hard. When Snake got sick, we not only stopped hanging out but you stopped wanting me to touch you period." Sean admitted.
He couldn't believe that after all this time he and Emma were talking about things like this.
"It's not that I didn't want you to touch me Sean.." she whispered.
Sean didn't want to ask. He knew what the question would lead to but he couldn't help himself.
"Then what was it?"
Emma looked away from him again. She couldn't say this and look him in the eyes at the same time.
"It was that the only thing I wanted you to do was touch me. It had gotten to a point where I was afraid I wouldn't be able to stop...or that I wouldn't want to. And that scared me." she admitted.
Sean was shocked. Did Emma Nelson just admit to him that he made her horny?
"Oh don't look so shocked, I'm a normal teenager. I have hormones just like everyone else." she was still avoiding eye contact.
"I just..I guess I just assumed that you never wanted me." Sean whispered.
Could it really be that this had been the problem with him and Emma the entire time? Raging hormones and insecurities?
Emma put her hand on his knee and he felt his body immediately respond.
"I wanted you more than anything." she said fiercely looking him in the eyes.
It was like a shock of electricity ran straight through to Sean's dick and he felt himself get hard as a rock. What was it about Emma Nelson that always made him so damn horny for her?
Sean couldn't help himself. He leaned over and kissed her. Emma was surprised but let herself kiss him back. His hands roughly grabbed her face and pulled her closer, sucking his tongue into her mouth. Emma moaned at the contact and kissed him back just as roughly grabbing the back of his neck and pulling him closer.
Sean was in heaven. He couldn't believe that after all this time, this was finally happening. He was finally kissing Emma again! Her bare leg brushed up against his and he brought his hand down to caress her thigh. His hand ran into something sticky and he pulled back briefly to look down at her. It was dried blood from earlier today. His blood. On Emma. She was wearing the same paint smeared outfit she'd had on earlier. Emma pulled back and noticed what he saw and swore softly to herself.
She pulled away from him and tried to pull her short skirt down. Suddenly she felt incredibly slutty.
"Em..I'm..Sorry." Sean choked out.
He shouldn't have kissed her like that. Hell, he shouldn't have kissed her at all. But damn, the way she looked at him with her swollen lips and messy hair and fire in her eyes...god he wanted her!
Emma let a few tears spill onto her cheeks and looked away from him.
"No, Sean, I'm sorry. You..you have a girlfriend. And..I shouldn't have come to your house tonight." she whispered.
Sean's heart broke. Yeah, he had a girlfriend...that he loved! But he couldn't find the strength to lie to Emma tonight. He was too exhausted.
"I'm glad you did. I wanted to see you..I needed to see you.." he pleaded.
Emma tried hard to keep it together but in the end, she found herself surrendering. She knew Sean wasn't hers and that she should just turn around and go home. But instead of turning away from him and walking towards her house, she found herself turning away from him and walking towards the van. Sean stood up but didn't move. He wanted to follow her but he didn't believe his eyes when he saw her head towards the van. She climbed inside and turned around to face him. His eyes were glued to hers as she removed her flimsy little sweatshirt without a word. Sean's mouth was practically hanging open in shock. Emma didn't have the strenght to communicate with him what she wanted, so she removed her tank top next. She stood before him in the moonlight wearing nothing but a flimsy white bra and a tiny little skirt and whatever strength Sean might have had to walk away from her was officially gone. He walked towards her on wobbly legs and climbed into the van swiftly shutting and locking it behind him. Yeah, they were alone know but who knows?
Inside the van, Emma laid down on a blanket and pillows that had been left behind by someone before them. There were white twinkly lights on the ceiling giving Sean just enough light to see her, but not so much light that either of them felt exposed. Sean knelt before her and slowly skimmed his hands up her arms and cupped her face. He leaned down and kissed her softly. Emma wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him further on top of her. She needed to feel him. He adjusted himself to that he was settled in between her legs and holding her close, but still not crushing her tiny frame with his much larger one. Emma kept trying to kiss him harder and deeper but Sean slowed it down every time cupping her face with his free hand. All thoughts of Ellie had flown out the window at this point and Sean felt a little shitty that he didn't feel more guilty. Emma's hands reached underneath his tee shirt and rested on his back making him even harder if that was possible. She'd barely even touched him and he was already so damn horny for her. She tugged on his shirt, obviously wanting it off of him so Sean pulled back and lifted it over his head. It's not like Emma had never seen him without a shirt on before but he couldn't help but love the way her eyes widened slightly and her hands skimmed up and down his chest.
"My, we've grown up." she whispered.
Sean nodded. They had. They weren't little kids anymore.
He reached down and fiddled with the front clasp on her flimsy white bra. The sudden contact of Sean's rough warm hands on her breasts made Emma moan. Sean practically growled at her reaction and leaned down to kiss her deeply. Emma barely even noticed when he'd gotten to clasp open and parted her bra away from her breasts. He slipped the material off her arms and pulled back briefly to look at her. She tried not to blush as he brushed his knuckles against her nipples, making them even harder than before.
"You're so fucking beautiful," he growled before laying back down on top of her and kissing his way down her neck.
The feeling of her bare chest against his made her moan and Sean nipped playfully at the sweet spot on her neck. Emma gasped his name and her legs tightened around his waist, pulling his hardness against her core.
Sean moaned into her neck. There was only his thin basketball shorts and her super tiny lacy panties inbetween them now. The sensation was unbelievable. He needed to speed up this process or things were gonna be over before they even started. Sean kissed his way down her chest, stopping at each breast to give them equal attention, before licking his way down her stomach to the waistband of her skirt. He pulled it slowly down her legs and tossed it to the side leaving Emma in only her tiny lacy white panties. Sean groaned when he realized she was wearing a thong. Good girls like Emma didn't wear sexy underwear like this. Emma smiled shyly up at him.
"They're just panties Sean." she joked as he found himself stroking the material where it fell across her hip.
He didn't bother responding as he pulled them slowly down her legs. Emma was completely naked before him and Sean thought for a slight minute that maybe Rick had shot him and he had died and that this was either his heaven or his hell.
When Emma reached her hand up to stroke him through his shorts, Sean decided it was definitely heaven.
"Em.." he groaned out feeling his knees get weak.
He would have given anything to have Emma touch him like this a year ago.
Emma didn't respond, she just kept stroking him slowly and Sean moaned loudly. Who would have thought she could make him so hot?
Sean leaned down to kiss her and she pulled him even further on top of her. She was moaning and writhing underneath him as he kissed and sucked on her neck just the way she's always loved for him to do for all those years.
Emma thought she was going to scream. If Sean didn't start touching her soon, she felt as though she might burst into flames.
As if he could read her mind, Sean reached his hand down and slowly stroked her. Emma gasped and arched her back to him. He rubbed her wetness around and kept kissing her neck to keep her calm before he entered one finger slowly. He felt her tense up a little at first but soon she was rocking against his hand and moaning his name so he slipped in another. He felt her tense up again and inwardly groaned for her. This was going to hurt her. Bad. Sean was pretty large and this was the first time anyone had ever even touched her in that way.
"It's gonna hurt Em." he whispered against her lips.
Emma nodded.
"I know."
She just kept rocking her hips with his hand and she soon adjusted to it. He paid extra special attention to her clit so that he could at least try and make her feel good. It didn't take long for her to really start to enjoy what he was doing. She was moaning his name and Sean thought he was going to lose it before she even touched him. Sean didn't want to make her hurt too much before they even had sex so he pulled his hand away and soon put his tongue in it's place. Emma's moans got louder by the minute and before either one of them even knew what was happening, she was coming. Her moans soon turned to little screams and Sean rode it out with her, giving her exactly what she needed.
When it was over, he pulled back and looked down at her. Her eyes were closed and her body was still jerking a little from the sensitivity of the orgasm and she opened her eyes and looked up at him.
"If I would have know what I was missing, I would have given into you years ago." she joked.
Sean chuckled and shucked his shorts off his legs. He was now just as naked as she was and he saw her eyes widen slightly at seeing his erection in all it's glory. Sure she had felt it, she knew it would be big but damn.
Emma reached down to touch him with trembling hands and he went back to kissing her neck. He felt her tense up a little bit knowing what was going to happen soon so he just kept kissing her trying to soothe her.
"Em..are you sure?" he asked pulling back and looking into her eyes.
Sure, if she changed her mind now he would be disappointed but he would rather die before making her do something she didn't want to do.
Emma nodded.
"I'm sure."
For a minute he didn't move.
"I don't know why, but I am. You just..you make me feel alive. And after what we've lost today Sean..just..just make me feel alive." she whispered, a silent tear running down her cheek.
Sean wiped it away with his thumb and kissed her deeply.
"I don't have...anything." he mumbled realizing for the first time that maybe they shouldn't be doing this.
He didn't even have his wallet in his pocket. He'd been wearing his crappy gym shorts since having to change at the school.
Emma pulled him into a kiss.
"It's ok. I've been on the pill since eighth grade."
Sea was surprised. She had been?
Emma laughed at his expression.
"When I turned thirteen my mom put me on it in fear that I would end up just like her."
Sean nodded. It would be something Spike would do considering she had Emma when she had only been thirteen.
The fact that they were not only having sex but losing their virginities to each other..with nothing in between them...it was just going to be them skin to skin..made it even more intimate.
Sean leaned down and kissed her deeply, lining himself up.
He looked down at her.
"I'll be gentle," he promised.
Emma nodded.
"I'm ready."
He looked into her eyes as he guided himself slowly into her. It took a few tries until he plunged all the way in and broke the barrier between them. Emma sucked back a sob and a few tears escaped. Sean kissed them away and stilled letting her adjust to his size. Emma leaned up and kissed him encouraging him to go ahead. He moved slowly, holding her close the entire time never breaking eye contact. He sped up a little and rested his forehead on hers.
"Are..you..ok?" he grit out.
He didn't know how much longer he would last but he was trying to make it good for her.
Emma nodded against his forehead and pushed her hips against his faster. Sean moaned and gripped her hips, trying to slow her down.
Emma just gripped his shoulders and pushed him deeper into her.
"It's ok, Sean." she murmured against his lips.
Sean stopped holding back and started going deeper, harder.
Everything became blurry and it was like time ceased to exist. It was only them now. They were trying to block out the ugliness of what had happened to them by creating something beautiful. For the time being, it was working. They were alive and they were together and that's all that mattered.
Sweat poured down Sean's back as his muscles clenched working to give them both the ecstasy they so desperately clung to. Emma was letting out little moans here and there and her breathing became more labored and intense. Most girls didn't orgasm their first time, Sean knew that. But he kept holding his own release down hoping that he could give Emma any kind of relief in the moment that she could get. She deserved that. He felt her tense up and clench around him and even though he knew what was happening, it still shocked him a little to realize she was coming. She opened her eyes and looked at him and Sean felt his own release rip through him. They rode it out together until they both went limp. Sean collapsed on top of her, trying hard not to crush her beneath him and Emma just held tightly onto him until they both recovered. He was still inside her, but suddenly Emma felt as if he wasn't close enough. She almost panicked thinking about how she was going to have to let him go after this. To her complete and utter horror, Emma started to cry.
Sean didn't have to ask her what was wrong, he already knew. He felt his own tears start to roll down his cheeks and drop onto hers mingling into a giant mess. He pulled out of her and laid down beside her pulling her onto his chest. She laid her head down and listened to his heart beat while they both silently grieved. Together, but also apart.
They should have been ashamed about what they had just done, but neither of them was willing to let themselves be. They needed it. Just tonight. It may have made them selfish assholes, but no one else understood. No one else would ever understand. After a while, they pulled their clothes on silently and made their way out of the van. The sun was starting to come up and they realized they had been gone all night. They didn't bother with words as Sean walked her back to her house. He walked her to the basement window and they both avoided eye contact. They didn't know what to do. How did you say goodbye after something like that? So they didn't...say goodbye. Sean placed a tender kiss on her forehead and walked away without glancing back even though he was dying to. Emma didn't linger and watch him go even though she was dying to. She snuck silently back into her room and noticed her mom asleep on her bed obviously waiting up for her. Emma crept silently into her bathroom and showered off the day. The faint lingering paint smell mingled with blood mingled with Sean's skin was too much for her to bear. She needed to be clean of all of it. She changed into a clean set of pajamas after and crawled into bed next to her mom. Spike held her while she cried and Emma finally started to feel like she was alive again. Not normal. But alive.
-X-
Sean walked into his apartment and noticed Ellie passed out on the couch clutching to his discarded hoodie like it was a lifeline. He crept silently into the bathroom and showered, not able to smell like Emma minute longer. There was a slight pink tinge he noticed from deflowering Emma earlier and he watched it wash down the drain. Gone was any trace of that horrible day and he dressed in clean clothes and snuggled next to Ellie on the couch. He made up excuses about just needing to walk and clear his head before laying down and finally falling asleep while Ellie cooked him breakfast. Sean finally felt like he was alive again. He hadn't died. He hadn't been wondering around in some kind of Emma Nelson purgatory the entire night. He lived and Rick died. She lived. And that's all that mattered. He would deal with guilt later. Right now, he just let himself breathe and fall into a deep sleep.
-X-