I'm not sure, but this could be triggering for some cutters and suicidal people. And it's dark themed so if you don't like that type so much, then maybe you shouldn't read this. But otherwise you may as well enjoy it.
I walked further in the dense woods. It was night and there was a starlight sky. It gave me some light to actually see where I was going. I knew the directions by heart, but I didn't want to trip over roots all the time. And I had already done that a quite a few times now. I didn't need more scratches in my hands and face, though that didn't really matter. It just hurt a bit.
I finally made it where I was alternately heading to. I had been little worried that my legs might just have a mind of their own again and I would wind up to my other safe haven. It wasn't where I would be going tonight. Or ever again.
The trees yield away from the steep cliff. I warily walked close to the edge. The scenery was beautiful and I didn't want to ruin it. But if this was really what I had in mind, then there would be no way avoiding it.
It was full moon. A pale one. It contrasted highly to the dark blue sky where the stars were shining brightly. It was gorgeous. This wasn't something that I had planned, so it also made it hard to stain it with my blood. But I had to do it. I had no choice. I really didn't. Or maybe I did. Could I have a choice?
But this couldn't be just an impulsive. I needed to do it. I have had it in my mind for a quite some time. This was now or never. Never, because there was nothing that could stop me. Not even the moon.
Looked down at the peaceful lake below the cliff. The lake even reflected the sky and made it look like I was standing at the world's end.
I would hate myself for doing this, just because I would make little waves in the lake and ruin the illusion, when I would hit it. But of course there wouldn't be much time for me to regret it after that. All I would focus on would be the relief, when I would get my release.
Standing there just in my white t-shirt was starting to get really chilly. So I began my action. I sat down onto the grass for no apparent reason and took a sharp, glistening blade from the pocket of my worn out jeans. I didn't smile at the knowing of what it will give me, how perfect it will be. Because it would hurt really badly this time and there wouldn't be more time to look at the pretty cuts.
The wind gently whispers to my ears and the quiet noise that the animals make, ease the sinking feeling in my gut that someone or something is going to interrupt me. Maybe it was me who I was worried about? Did some part of me still want to live? No, that couldn't be it.
Jasper isn't going to find me
I tell myself. I haven't showed him this place. Yes, the other one is close, but the chances in him still finding this place are small. And I bet he doesn't even care. Why would he? I know he has someone else. I saw him talking to her so happily and texting so much with her also. He's never that happy with me. All he does is look at me with a pained expression every time. I don't know why. It must be me. He obviously would be better with her then and he knows it too. Even she must know that. He's just too kind to break it to me himself.
I don't make him happy, so now I'm doing him a favor. And for myself as well of course. So no. There is no chance I would do anything else in my entire life than to end it today. Because who cares. I certainly don't.
Life is worth living, when you live it for someone else
He told me once. That time, when he came home early from school and saw me with the razor blades. Well now there's no body else I should be living for.
You're only seventeen. Too young to die. You don't what you will be missing
Yes, I know. True love. But that won't happen anyways. Jasper has showed me how no one can love me. He doesn't want me and I won't force him to, even though I do want him. I don't want to pressure him into being with me, when he obviously doesn't want to. And nobody will. And nobody shall be disgust by my existence either.
I have made several deep and bloody cuts on my wrist without noticing, but that doesn't matter. I would have done them anyway. Some blood trickles down to my elbows and I decide to continue there, because why not. I won't be having this pleasure after this so I may as overdo it.
Soon my both arms are full of cuts just a half a centimeter away from the next one, all the way from my wrists to my elbows' crook.
I can't see skin underneath them as there's too much of thick, red blood covering it. Just as I wanted it to be.
I put the blade on the green grass and then stood up. I'm a little light headed now and I can't really see straight. Well it can't be that hard to fall.
But suddenly I hear someone. A crack comes from behind me. I turn around expecting the noisemaker to be a squirrel or some other animal. For some odd reason I want it to be a fox. Something orange appeals me right now.
No...
But it was him. I'm surprised by the fact that there is a small part of me thrilled that he came. But is he going to stop me or is he going to watch me save us both? His blond, almost orange curly hair is messy and all over his face. I would like to brush them away so I could see his ice blue eyes. But that would only make it harder for me to jump, even though this is the best for us. He was standing by the trees and looking exhausted. He had run here? All this way?
"No Edward. No, don't jump", he says with a pleading voice. Why would he say that? Maybe he just doesn't understand this yet. Though he did look concerned. But pained also, so it was all normal I guess.
"It's for the best. I'm doing it for you too Jasper", I say. I thought I would sound normal. Sounding like I would be explaining how to do his algebra homework for instance. No, but I had failed myself. I let myself to crave him and I sound horribly broken.
"Edward, please. You're talking nonsense and you have hurt yourself badly. Come here. I'll help and you will be alright", he said. "Everything is going to be alright. Come here", he repeated with shaky voice and started walking slowly towards me looking unsure and held a for me.
I want to jump before he gets me, but also want to hear the nice lies. We will be alright. Everything will be alright. Yes, that would be nice. Though impossible.
I chuckle at my ridiculous, hopeful thoughts. He looks at me like I'm insane, but I realize he hasn't changed his look from the start he saw me tonight. Or maybe ever.
It makes me silent and I look at him sadly. "No. It's time for me to go. I see that I'm no longer needed here", I tell him and shrug. I sound better. More confident. But that only makes Jasper look more terrified.
"I need you here. You can't leave me. I love you Edward", he says looking desperate. "I know you don't, so why do you say it?" I question actually curious. My vision becomes blurry. I might fall anytime soon. I really hope not the other way; right into Jasper's arms.
"I do love you! I'm not lying. Oh, please come over here. You're so close to the edge. You might fall. And I don't want that. Please, come here", he says and gestures with his hand to the edge of the cliff behind me.
"You don't like anything I do", I state to him. "I don't like it, when you hurt yourself. It's not right. I want you to love yourself. Not to torture your body." He was starting to get too close to me. He might catch me.
"If I didn't love myself, then I wouldn't do this. If I didn't love you, then I wouldn't do this. Do you understand? I'm doing this for us!" I try to talk some sense into his other times brilliant head.
"But you've got it all wrong. Let me explain how it really works. I love you, so I need you here so I can do that. You love me, so you won't hurt yourself because I love you and I can't see you get hurt. It hurts me too, when you do it. And if you love yourself, you'll let yourself care of the one who it loves", he said. It was a bit confusing, but I got what he was trying to say.
And it did make a little sense too. And it made me cry. Wracking sobs went through my body and the tears rolled like a river from my eyes. "But I've already gone so far. Do you really love me? What about that girl?" I ask. All the strength I once had in me, went away and all what was left was the vulnerable Edward. The real me. Who wasn't quite ready to die yet, but still was ready to sacrifice himself for someone he deeply loved.
"She's my friend at uni. Nothing more. Please, believe me. I love you Edward. So much. I can't let you go", and as soon as he said it, he lunged himself at me and then wrapped me in his strong, long arms and kept me at place firmly. I could do nothing, but cry some more. He sits down and embraces me with his warmness. I melt against him.
I let my head slump down onto his soft shoulder and wet his leather jacket with my never ending tears. "I love you too Jasper", I tell him with a very honest voice that breaks into pieces from all the emotions I was feeling so strong.
"You too", he said back to me and then stood up with me in his arms. He carried me all the way to his car. I was afraid that I would be too heavy for him, but it seemed that I only weighed a feather to him.
As he seated me to the front seat, he started to wrap some towels around my arms that he had in his backseat. He had guessed what I was up to, once he found the note that I had written while he was still in school. I felt embarrassed about myself and that how I was messing everything with the blood, but he had seen this many times before with me, so it wasn't that awkward as it could have been, though I never have gone this far. To try actually do it permanently.
He's gentle with me like always. But extra-gentle now and probably for the next months too. I don't want to worry him. It was never my intention. It happened by accident. Or should I say it "happens". I don't know how to stop yet. But now I'm more determined to do so now.
Jasper looks at me warily in my eyes that are finally starting to dry, as he's still working on trying to stop the bleeding. I hold my other hand with the towel which is hold by Jasper. "I'm sorry. Again", I apologize shyly. "I'm sorry too", he says kind of flatly.
"You don't need to apologize", I object furrowing my brows at him. He really shouldn't. This isn't his fault. "Yes I do. You thought I didn't love you. If you wouldn't have thought such things, then maybe this all wouldn't have happened", he mumbles.
"Maybe it's for the better that we didn't avoid this", I protest again. "I feel better now", I tell him. "Edward, you've lost a lot of blood. I think you're just feeling the numbness as your pains start to go away as you're blacking out soon", he says using his intelligence. He announces we're going to the hospital and starts the engine and drives fast. I look at him with no special impression on my face. Just the love I'll always feel for him.
"I'm sorry I don't make you happy", I tell him as we're in the half way. I know I won't get a chance to talk with him after we arrive to the hospital. It will be only doctors and psychologists around me then and it will take hours, maybe days until we get to talk to each other again. Private.
"What? You make me happy. I'm always happy, when I get to be with you. I know it might not really look like that as I'm often so worried about you. But I am happy just from the fact that you're still there for me to worry about. But I'm also disappointed in myself that I don't make you happy enough to live with me peacefully", he answers with a soft voice and keeps his eyes to the dark and empty road.
"This", I point to my arms with my eyes. "is my own problem. It doesn't have anything to do with you. It's in my mind. I doing it because of myself. Not because you wouldn't make me happy enough or anything, because you really do. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me. I don't want to lose you. And I don't want you to give up on me, because I don't want to give up on myself either. I only want to be with you. The rest of my life", I tell him looking straight into his livid eyes, so he would believe every word I say to him, because it is very important that he understands this; my bad ways don't have anything to do with him.
"Well, I want to help you out of your problem. It's terrible to see you suffering from it", he tells me then and looks at me lovingly. We have made it to the hospital and Jasper has parked the car to the parking lot. The white building is full of halogen lamp's bright white light and I can almost smell the stench of hand-sanitizer already.
"Thank you", I thank him sincerely. He eventually kisses me indulgently on my cold lips with his warm ones. "Thank you", he says back to me with a wide smile that shows his white pretty teeth. He's happy! I made him smile!
And even I crack a smile, even though we climb out of the car and walk towards my own personal hell. At least I got him by my side there. My very own saving angel.
I have no one to kiss on New Years Eve, so I will make someone else kiss then. Hope you liked it :) Reviews are always welcomed.
Happy New Year everyone!