Two of a Kind
Martha and Donna looked at each other and rolled their eyes. Jack and the Doctor, having just returned in the TARDIS, were squabbling. Again.
"I told you to get out of the way!" Jack groused.
"And I wouldn't have had to get out of the way if you'd done what I said! Never wink at an Atroschian! They always spew this…this…goop when they think you want to mate!"
"Which is why I said to get out of the way!"
"Just…shut up and tell me where the shower is, we're late! Donna, Martha, so sorry. We'll be ready in a tick." The Doctor looked at Jack accusingly "Won't we?"
"Yes! Honestly, you're acting like a…fishwife!"
"And you're acting like a ned."
"Oh, go…shower yourself!"
They glared at each other for a moment, then both stomped off to get cleaned up.
Donna looked at Martha with a long-suffering expression. "Exact opposites," she observed. "No wonder they argue."
"Tell me about it!" Martha agreed.
"No wonder Jack never became a full time companion. They'd rip each other's heads off."
The pub Jack had chosen (and it was quite a dodgy place) for their outing was elbow to elbow. For once, the Doctor had chosen to allow himself an alcohol buzz, a rare occasion.
"After Jack's behavior today I could use it," he explained.
"After my behavior?" Jack said, tossing back another shot of tequila. "What about yours?"
"I wasn't the one being pig-headed!" The Doctor matched Jack with a shot of scotch. The good stuff, of course. Since Jack was paying and all.
"No, you weren't being pig-headed, you were being bull-headed. Bossy little…"
"Bossy? Me? You were the one dishing out orders!"
"Oi! You two! Shut it!" Donna said. "Enough! How you two get along long enough to do anything is a mystery to me."
"And me," Martha agreed. "The pair of you! You two couldn't be more different! How the two of you get along long enough to accomplish anything I'll never know!"
Jack poured the Doctor another shot. The Doctor poured one for Jack, with a mumbled "Not gonna out-drink me."
"Not that you're competitive," Jack mumbled back.
"Nor you."
"You're drunk," Jack observed.
"I'm drunk, you're drunk, we're all drunk!"
They clinked shot glasses and laughed.
"And," Jack slurred, "I'll ha-have you know, we are not exact opposites."
"Too right," the Doctor said. He poured himself yet another shot.
Jack followed suit with another shot of tequila. "Peas in a pod," he agreed. They clinked glasses again.
"Birds of a fuh-feather," the Doctor replied.
"Together or not. We're too much alike."
"Rogue Time Agent," Jack said.
"Rogue Time Lord," said the Doctor.
"Bull-headed."
"Yup!"
"Arrogant." Jack grinned.
"Well said. Devilishly handsome!"
"Agreed." They poured more liquor and clinked glasses again.
"Lived a long time." The Doctor looked at Jack meaningfully.
"Absolutely. Lived with a lot of loss."
"Too true." Another shot for both men, and the Doctor gave Jack a smile that could only be described as ironic.
"And yet," said the Doctor, "There really isn't anything wrong with that. Whuh-what's so bad about seeing life as a song…with reaching for the stars? We've got this far haven't we?"
"Maybe some day, we'll make it," Jack grinned, only half-flirtatious.
"We've made it so far, sharing whatever we have in the worst situations. It can be the rarest of Chateaubriands and trout almandine or crackers and muh-milk."
"A matched pair," said Jack, "When he's out of rhythm, I'm sssingin' off key."
"I never heard you do that, Jack," said the Doctor.
"Hey, never you mind, 'cause I'm stickin' with you." Jack grinned and poured them both yet another shot.
"Oh, need we explain," the Doctor said, laughing drunkenly. When he suh-sings in a perfect key, I'm flat and completely behind."
"And when he meets all the cute chicks, I get the buh-benefit," Jack said. "'Specially when they ask me 'hey, who's your dad?'"
"I beg yourrrrr puh-pardon, Captain! I happen to be most attractive!"
"You happen," said Martha, "To be most drunk, the pair of you!"
The Doctor and Jack leaned against each other and giggled.
"Look at you!" Donna said, "The pair of ya! You're both…pissed!"
"Luh-leanin' like the Tower of Puh-pisa!" said the Doctor.
"Yeah!" Jack said, at the loud-drunk stage. "I lean like he's inclined." He laughed loudly at his own joke. The Doctor looked at him somewhat cross-eyed and giggled.
"Guh-good one, Juh-jack!" The Doctor tried to focus on Donna and Martha. "Ooooo, think the wuh-womenfolk are ready to get us back to the Huh-huh-hub."
Jack grinned vacuously. "Whatever ya got planned for him," he nodded toward the Doctor. "That goes double fer me!"
"Yeah!" the Doctor said. "It's-ah goes-ah double fer me!"
"Getting loud," Donna looked at Martha. "Think we really should call us a cab."
Jack and the Doctor looked drunkenly at each other and said in unison, "Who you callin' a cab?" And then, giggling madly, still in unison, "You're a cab!"
"God," Martha said, taking her phone out of her pocket. "Let's get these two back where they can do no harm!"
Back at the Hub, Donna and Martha surveyed their charges. They had taken off the Doctor's shoes as well as Jack's, and had covered them, side by side, on the sofa where they had passed out leaning one against the other with their long coats, Jack's blue-grey one and the Doctor's brown one.
"They're going to have matching hangovers tomorrow," observed Martha.
"Yeah," said Donna. "And we'll both be babying them," she grinned at herself. "You know we will. The prawns."
"They're impossible, aren't they?" Martha smiled.
"Would you have 'em any other way?"
"Nope," Martha said, smiling.
"Two of a kind," Donna said, brushing each man's hair from their foreheads.
"Perfect match." Martha said.
"Yeah," Donna said. "Except when their ready to kill each other."
"Like I said," Martha smiled fondly, "Two of a kind!"