A Note on the Text:
The story of our (least) favorite Squib seemed kind of dull at first sight, so the author of Filch – A History (Yes, we also published Hogwarts – A History and Gnomes – A History…you might also remember our best seller, You All Thought Harry Was Lying, But He Wasn't and He Then Rose to Defeat Lord Voldemort so You Have to Completely Change Your Story – A History) so in order to spice up the story of this unfortunate non-magic person, and save money and time on frivolous details and research…we've complied his entire life story into a series of limericks!
So enjoy our new revision: "Filch – A Limerick!"
There was a boy born to a witch and wizard
In the middle of an epic blizzard
But he was a muggle
They all were befuddled
He might as well have been a lizard
His parents still sent him to school
Where he dreamt of being so cool
But he wasn't magic
It really was tragic
And now he looked only a fool
Argus stayed to help Pringle
Who forbade all students to mingle
But something went wrong
And with a sound loud and long
He left the world old and still single
Filch replaced Pringle as caretaker
And stopped many young troublemakers
He tried to be tough
To look mean and rough
But they all knew that he was a faker
Here to help was a guy named Jerry
Who, secretly Filch thought was scary
He gave him Kwikspell
Which just didn't go well
And left Argus very un-merry
One day Filch found a cat in the forest
"I've found a new friend!" he chorused
She hissed at any student
Being quite prudent
And from then on he called her Mrs. Norris
From day one Argus was on a mission
To seek from the headmaster official permission
To hang kids from the ceiling
'til their insides were squealing
But alas Dumbledore would not listen
The day Argus fell in love
He felt as a high-flying dove
Her name was Delores
He thought she was glorious
But all she left him was a glove
Until the day that Argus Filch died
Both his hands and his feet had been tied
To the school that he served
It was what he deserved
After all, about doing magic – he lied.