The Treasure of Treasureless Island

"How are you feeling Sugar Boots?" Governor Elaine Marley asked as she bent over Guybrush Threepwood as he lay in bed. The mighty pirate who foiled the dead pirate Le Chuck was exhausted from a long night of being sick.

Guybrush croaked "I feel awful. It couldn't be just the flu or something; it has to be that grog we got from the SCUMM bar last night. They probably left out the kerosene when they mixed up the last batch, my Love Muffin."

"Have you ever gotten sick from the grog before?" Guybrush might feel like death warmed over, but at least he was still using their pet names for each other.

"No. But then again, I've never had a drink of it before. If it can do this to me with a few swallows, imagine the effects a pint would have!" A small spasm shook him for a moment before he lay still again.

"That explains it, my Plunder Bunny. You should have started with a teaspoon and worked your way up to a swallow; your body just isn't ready for it yet."

Guybrush tried to roll over onto his elbow and failed. "The only thing this body is ready for, my Honey Pumpkin, is a casket. Order now before the holiday rush."

"Now now, talk like that from the man that found the treasure of Melee Island, beat the Swordmaster, and stole the Idol of Many Hands? You just need to rest and recover my sweet" she said as she mopped his brow. She looked over at a shirt hanging beside the bed. "I found the treasure of Melee Island and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" was printed on the front.

"Don't forget Elaine, you let me have the idol after Fester Shinetop challenged me" Guybrush said, remembering. The sheriff had plans of his own at the time that were foiled thanks to Guybrush's actions.

"Maybe, but you did have to steal it from me before I let you keep it" she said. "Besides, it's back in it's display case on the ground floor." She laid a cool cloth on his forehead. She didn't mention the fact that she was still missing a set of wax Yak lips, but that was a small matter.

"That feels good" Guybrush said. "Will you marry me?"

"You asked me last night" Elaine said. "That's why we were celebrating in the SCUMM bar. Defeating the dead pirate Le Chuck wasn't enough, you had to go and propose to me the same night. I don't know if this island can stand that much excitement all at once."

"I know I can't" Guybrush admitted. "I'm feeling a little better already. Tell me, as Governor do you know what the Secret of Monkey Island is?"

"No, but I don't think anyone else does either."

"I guess it's an enigma, like the treasure of Treasureless Island or getting sick just in time for your vacation."

"Oh, there was a treasure of Treasureless Island" Elaine stated.

"There was? Tell me! You know, for a man" Guybrush said with a fake cough "on his deathbed and all."

"Well, you haven't got long to live then because it's a short story. Before I became Governor here I held the same position in the kingdom of Inti, in the southern European area. There were dozens of islands of all descriptions, and one of them had already been named Treasureless Island. Most of the island consisted of a large volcanic cone that collapsed in the center long ago; it was filled with soil from erosion and wind. Several paths led down to the water's edge, where a narrow beach ran around most of the island. A lot of wild birds lived there, but no people."

"People lived on the other islands?"

"Some of the others had people, some didn't. We had a few pirates in the area, and it was rumored that the Dread Pirate Roberts had a base there."

"Another dead pirate?"

"No, dread pirate. Nasty reputation. Turned out to be nice guys and gal."

Guybrush looked at Elaine questionably.

"It's a long story" she said "and we won't go into it right now. Anyway, like I said before I was rudely interrupted, I was Governor of the kingdom until they formed an independent government. I wanted to help secure the financial health of the kingdom before I left, so I was looking for ways to bring in more revenue. The mainland area could support some logging and farming, but except for fishing and some dates the islands didn't have much going for them.

I wanted to try an experimental crop I read about; sugar cane was a cash crop that could grow in the warmer climate if you could find the right soil; it could be used for sugar AND rum. I thought about that collapsed volcano and decided to give it a try. The trouble was, it had been undisturbed for so long the ground was HARD. It wouldn't be a problem after it was broken up some, but starting the job was going to be a major headache. I needed some help, and no one really wanted to lend a hand. So I had to convince them otherwise."

"Convince them? How?"

"Well, maybe convince isn't the right word. I tricked them. There were a few pirates in the area, and a lot more would-be scoundrels that were willing to pick your pocket or hold you up in a dark alley; they used to hang out in a few towns on the shore. You've met Mancomb Seepgood; he started out here first before moving to Melee Island. So I used their own nature against them by starting a rumor that there was treasure on the island buried years ago by Le Chuck himself. Before he was killed the first time, I mean."

"But there wasn't?"

"Nah, he never even came near this area. But they didn't know that. Then I spread around quite a few copies of a so-called 'treasure map' pointing to that area; each copy had a slightly different location inside the volcano. Then I just sat back and waited."

"What happened?"

"Exactly what I wanted" Elaine went on. "These type of people never trust each other, so no one actually compared maps. Each person or group would go up, check the map and see that other people had dug in a different spot. Of course they figured THEY had the real map, and dug in a completely new spot. After two weeks I had a pretty good amount of the area dug up and the soil nicely turned over. After that I just had to start a new story that there never was a buried treasure of Le Chuck because he never was in the area, and they gave up shortly after. All I had to do then was go up there with a little help and plant."

"And ended up making money raising sugar cane" Guybrush concluded.

"Nope. The crop failed miserably; turns out the weather isn't quite right for it. But I also planted a few grape vines, and they thrived up there. In two years we were starting to harvest grapes and setting up a small winery operation that is still going strong today."

"So there never was a Treasure of Treasureless Island. You lied."

"I didn't lie, there was a treasure up there. Every map was true, when you think about it."

"How can that be?" Guybrush asked.

"Think about it while I wait over here." Elaine sat and stared at him.

Time passed, then a wry smile came to Guybrush's face. "The ground itself was the treasure."

"I won't penalize you for taking so long because you're sick, but that's right. I could have put the 'X' anywhere up there on the map and it would have been the truth. It just wasn't the treasure they were looking for is all; they actually had it in their hands and shovels never gave it another thought. Now I've got to go into town my dear, you stay and rest. Melee Island needs its heroes strong and ready for the next adventure." She kissed him on the cheek and left the room while he drifted off into sleep, dreaming of anything except grog and adventure.

The End

A/N: The Secret of Monkey Island has got to be one of the funniest adventure games I've ever played. I found it on the internet and played it again after 20+ years and it's still fun. Oddly enough, I never played any of the sequels. Elaine and the kingdom of Inti get a cameo in my Humperdinck's Revenge story.

Even the ingredient list for grog is great; as for the pet names they use for each other, it only takes up one short scene in the game.