99 BOTTLES OF FIREWHISKEY ON THE WALL
A/N: Mademoiselles Moony, Padfoot, and Prongs proudly present:
101 Ways to Spend Your Years at Hogwarts
Disclaimer: If we owned Harry Potter, we wouldn't be wasting our time writing fanfiction. We would be finishing the seventh book. Or partying in Finland. (Finland! Finland! Finland! That's the country for me!) That is all.
"99 BOTTLES OF FIREWHISKEY ON THE WALL, 99 BOTTLES OF FIREWHISKEY! TAKE ONE DOWN, PASS IT AROUND, 98 BOTTLES OF FIREWHISKEY ON THE WALL!"
Lily groaned, getting off of her bench to slam shut the compartment door. "They never shut up!" She whined, sitting back down across from one of her best friends, Lucky McKinnon.
Lucy rolled her eyes from where she sat cross-legged leaning against the window sill. "Someone needs to tell them they sing flat," she agreed. Her blue eyes suddenly narrowed, sparking mischievously. "You know what? I'll be right back."
Lily raised her eyebrows. "Wha-?"
But Lucy was already out the door. Lily could've sworn she'd heard her mutter something along the lines of 'Firewhiskey? I'll give 'em firewhiskey…and shove it up where the sun don't shine…' Lily laughed, leaning back and closing her eyes.
Lucy and Lily had been friends since the first Hogwarts Express train ride. Although Lucy had grown a few inches since first year, she still stood barely 5 feet tall. Her petite frame, blonde hair, and blue eyes gave her the image of a small, innocent child. However, Lily was quite aware as to how Lucy's image was only skin deep. Lucy was a mischievous troublemaker who would do anything for a good laugh.
Especially if it was at the Marauder's discomfort.
Lily smiled at the thought of James Potter and Sirius Black soaking wet and whimpering at the start of their 1st year. Lucy had seen fit to shove them into the lake after hearing that a giant squid resided within its waters. In Lucy's defense, they were being slightly obnoxious.
Lily's train of thought was broken as the rousing chorus of "99 Bottles of Firewhiskey on the Wall" came to an abrupt, and flat, halt. Lily's curiosity got the better of her and she decided to see why the singers had stopped before breaking someone's eardrums out.
When she rounded the corner, she found Lucy proudly standing next to Gideon Prewitt, an older prefect in Gryffindor. The Marauders were leaning casually against the wall of the compartment looking rather put out. One shaggy, dark-haired boy was glaring at Lucy reproachfully. Apparently he was one of few who could see past her angelic façade.
The prefect was in the middle of lecturing the four boys. "-and if you ever want to mention alcoholic substances on this train again, take it up with Filch," he finished, giving them one last stern glare before turning on his heel. As he turned away, he sent a charming smile Lucy's way and started back to the prefect's compartment.
"Nice way to start the year, Goose." The shaggy-haired boy said dully, slouching back against his bench.
Lucy smirked. "I thought so too, Black."
A bespectacled, (maybe you wanna put that he's tall or something cuz he's James right? It would just make it a bit clearer maybe) boy in the corner started singing a slightly less enthusiastic rendition of the original '99 bottles' song.
"99 bottles of pumpkin juice on the wall…99 bottles of pumpkin juice…take one down, pass it around, 98 bottles of firewh-pumpkin juice on the wall."
He sang dully under his breath, catching the 'firewhiskey' before saying it out loud, his last form of resistance.
Lily rolled her eyes, grabbing Lucy's arm and dragging her out of the compartment.
"Honestly…" she muttered, before stopping suddenly at the sound of a recognizable voice.
"Oh, really? That's so interesting...," the voice drifting out of the compartment cooed. Lucy stopped short, exchanging a knowing glance with Lily before turning her head and glaring into the compartment as Lily rolled her eyes.
The two sighed in exasperation. This happened at least three times every Hogwarts train ride. Lucy, being the blunter of the two, stuck her head into the compartment. She caught the gaze of the third member of their clique, raising her eyebrows expectantly. Marley sighed, turning back to her captive audience. "Sorry boys, time to go." And with a cheery wave and a wink, she walked out of the compartment with the air of a goddess. The boys sighed hollowly, enraptured as they watched her leave.
"Having fun Aphrodite?" Lucy asked, eyebrows still raised as they made their way back to the compartment.
Marley shrugged, smiling innocently. "Is it really MY fault that I was born with this angelic face?" She asked sweetly, looking at the two girls winningly.
Lily shook her head in annoyance. "Marley, leading poor innocent guys on is NOT an attractive quality," she admonished.
The girls spent the rest of their trip talking about their summers and what to expect in the year ahead. They were especially excited about the upcoming trips to Hogsmeade. Although they had ridden by it countless times in their past years at Hogwarts, the girls had never actually been inside the village.
"I read that it's the only village in all of England purely composed of witches and wizards!" Lily said excitedly. "And have you heard about that shack, just up north from Hogsmeade? In the past three years, people have begun to hear strange noises at night. They say it's haunted! Although that's clearly improbable, since it's right next to Hogwarts, and Dumbledore would have driven out any tormented spirits ages ago! Really, it's quite daf-"
Marley cut her off with an exasperated sigh and eyeroll. "Is this how you spent your summer Lily? Reading up on all the haunted places in Britain?"
Lily pouted. "I thought it was quite interesting," she said indignantly.
Before they knew it, the train had pulled to a screeching stop outside the village. "All firs' years, this way!" A coarse voice echoed above the swarm of cloaked students exiting the train.
Just as the girls were about to step off the train, Marley squealed. "I left my makeup in the Ravenclaws'(they don't have compartments for different houses, so maybe you want to put "in the boys' compartment" or something) compartment!" She groaned, dashing off to find her lost valuables.
Lucy and Lily exchanged weary glances, leaning against the train to wait for their friend. About ten minutes later, Marley appeared with what to her seemed like a mere toiletry bag, but to Lily and Lucy a small suitcase.
"Ok…," she panted, "I think I got all of it…"
Lily shook her head. "C'mon! Almost of all the carriages are full!" They pushed past the Marauders, who appeared to be having a chat with Hagrid, the assistant gamekeeper.
"Yikes! You four'd better be off! Yer gonna miss the carriages!" The boys waved goodbye, running to catch up with the girls.
"Missy!" Sirius beamed, grabbing Marley from behind.
James nodded, hand in his pockets. "'Lo ladies." He said in what he thought was a charming voice.
Lucy raised an eyebrow, looking at him with a hint of amusement. Lily rolled her eyes. Remus didn't say anything, as he was too busy staring at James as if he were bright green with pink spots.
"Siri!" Marley squealed, turning around and hugging him excitedly. "How was your summer?"
Sirius's face darkened the slightest bit. "Bloody brilliant," he said dully. "Yours?"
Marley giggled and replied, "The usual. A bunch of guys followed me around while I was in Italy. It took me three days to shake 'em off. And to think, all I did was wear a bikini!"
Sirius raised his eyebrows. "Really now?" He asked, suddenly much more interested.
"Shove it Black," she replied, shoving him aside as she climbed into the carriage.
Lucy stopped where she was. "Wait… is this the only carriage left?" She asked, a frightened and slightly nauseous look on her face.
Lily turned pale, and then slightly green, as her emerald-green eyes darted from carriage to carriage desperately. "No. I don't believe it," she said under her breathe. "I won't believe it!" She cried painfully.
Lucy held her head in her hands. "NNNNOOOOO!" She lamented as Sirius tripped over his feet and on top of her.
The boys eyed them oddly. "We're that bad?" Remus asked pathetically, lifting up his arms to smell his robes. "I could've sworn I got these clean last week!"
Peter burst out laughing, while James eyed Remus suspiciously. "A week mate?"
Remus nodded.
Lucy and Lily bowed their heads in defeat, finding no way out of the situation. Last time they had sat within two yards of James and Sirius, they had almost spontaneously combusted. It had not been fun.
Sirius bowed the girls into the carriage. "Ladies first," he said regally, in his Olde English accent. Or at least, what he thought was an Olde English accent.
James ignored him and got in first, climbing to the very back. Peter followed, sitting across from him. Lily, slightly annoyed at the fact that James had no sense of chivalry, climbed in and sat beside him. While James took this as a sign of her deep love for him, Lily just wanted to lecture him on manners. Lucy sat down next to Lily for moral support.
Remus followed suit, sitting beside Peter and across from Lily and Lucy, so that they were not completely surrounded by morons. Marley took a seat next to Remus, while Sirius remained outside bowing. He took great pride in being the last one to climb into the "horseless" carriage.
"Have any of you guys noticed that there is absolutely NOTHING pulling these carriages?" Sirius asked, looking around at everyone as he shut the carriage door, leaving the latch unlocked.
Marley, realizing that Sirius was about to launch into another one of his rants, rested her head on Remus's shoulder, which was actually quite comfortable, ready to take a nap. Remus turned bright red. The only one who really noticed, however, was James, who began comparing Remus's face to Lily's hair.
"Our lives are depending on things that we can't see!" Sirius continued.
Lucy looked at her feet quietly, trying to ignore Sirius, which was actually quite difficult.
"I mean, for all we know, it could be some spell that could be broken at any second, and we could tumble to our deaths!" He said dramatically, waving his arms around enthusiastically.
"Thestrals," Lucy muttered under her breath.
Sirius looked up from his rant. "Bless you," he said brightly, opening his mouth to start again.
"No Sirius," Lucy said tiredly, "It's thestrals that pull the carriage. They're kind of like winged horses. Really, they are actually quite beautiful. And they can find their way to just about anywhere."
Sirius stared at her as if she were purple with blue spots (unlike James, who is green with pink spots). "Thestrals?" He repeated hollowly. "And I suppose that the wind is actually caused by invisible red fairies?"
James suddenly looked up, thinking that they were discussing Lily's hair. "What about Lily?" He asked, his eyes lighting up as he looked around at the group.
Lily looked slightly alarmed.
"What!" He looked around in confusion. "Oh… I thought that when Sirius said fairies, he was talking about Lily! Yeah. And then I was like 'woah! Lily makes the wind?' And that is why I said 'what about Lily?'"
Sirius shook his head. "You need to get your hearing checked, mate."
Marley clapped with one eye open, still resting her head on Remus's shoulder, applauding James's obvious cover up.
Sirius pouted, turning back to Lucy. "So why can't I see them? Am I not GOOD ENOUGH for these things? Becauseifyou're good enough, I certainly think I'm good enough."
Lucy glared daggers at him. Without further ado, she shoved him hard against the carriage door. What she didn't know was that Sirius had failed to lock the latch. He tumbled out of the carriage, the door swinging behind him.
Lucy burst out laughing. Remus jumped up in alarm, leaving Marley to fall flat on her face in the spot that Remus had been sitting. Marley looked up in confusion. "What happened?" She asked indignantly, pulling herself up.
James was busy gaping at the now open carriage door, a mixed expression on his face. It looked as if he were torn between being slightly amused and slightly horrified. Lily was staring at Lucy admirably. Peter was just thankful that it wasn't him, and gaping at the swinging door.
Marley, quickly piecing together what had happened, poked her head out the door. Unfortunately, the door was still swinging. It swung right back into Marley's face. She tumbled backwards into the carriage, landing on Lucy's lap.
"Ow," she yelled, holding her head as Remus and James helped her back into her seat. Lucy was biting her lip in an attempt to keep herself from laughing.
James, now deciding that his emotion was indeed amusement, stood up and held the door open to make sure he didn't end up on Lucy's lap as well. "You'd better run Sirius! We're not going to wait for you to start eating!"
Sirius, who was currently brushing himself off, looked up in horror. "NNNNOOOOOO! NOT THE FOOD!" He yelled, as he began running after the moving carriage. "BLOODY THESTRALS! THEY'RE TOO FAST!" He screamed, slowly fading into the night behind his friends.
But not before they heard a thump, and a cry of agony.
Their best guess was that he had tripped over his feet, and landed face-first on the ground.
101 Ways to Spend Your Years at Hogwarts :
#1-5
(or more specifically, the ride up to Hogwarts)
#1:Get shoved off the boat on the way to the Sorting Ceremony.
#2: Get shoved off the carraige by the same person in 3rd year.
#3: Challenge the forces of nature, causing you to get shoved off the carraige.
#4: Comparing the color of one of your best friend's faces to the color of your "lover's" hair.
#5: And then saying something stupid about it.
A/N: So ends chapter one. We are INCREDIBLY proud of this achievement, since we have been planning on writing this for a VERY long time. We actually went so far as to make a seating chart for our characters in the carriages. We hope that you found some of this amusing. Cause we did. And there's more where that came from. Believe me, we have sugar. ;) Thanks for reading,
Mademoiselles Moony, Padfoot, and Prongs
PS: WHALEFACE! (That is the best comeback in the history of all comebacks. Just in case you are ever in need of one.)