That's My Story…of 13 Bags of Potato Chips
Authors Note: This is a funny LilyJames songfic to "That's My Story". So grab a fluffy pillow and enjoy!
--
James crept in silently through the back door of his house, making as little noise as possible. He passed through the den, and was passing through the kitchen. He looked through the window and saw that the sun was just rising. Damn, I've been out to long. He thought.
"Where have YOU been?"
James practically jumped at the sound of Lily's voice. She was sitting with a coffee cup that read, "Quidditch World Cup '82". Lily was wearing an oversized sweatshirt and black maternity pants, shaping her 2nd trimester pregnant body. Even with bulging curves and a child in her womb, Lily was a vision of perfection.
"I…uh…Well, I…"
"James, just spit it out." She said, taking a sip of coffee.
"I fell asleep in the back."
"Sure you did."
"It's true! That's what I did!" Believe it Lils, believe it Lils, believe it Lils… James repeated in his head, thinking hard about the consequences if she found out the actual truth.
I cam in as the sun came up.
She glared at me over her coffee cup.
She said, "Where you been?"
So I thought real hard and said,
"I fell asleep in that hammock in the yard."
She said, "You don't know it boy, but you just blew it."
And I said, "Well that's my story and I'm sticking to it…
That's my story.
Oh, that's my story.
Well, I ain't got a witness, and I can't prove it,
But that's my story and I'm sticking' to it."
Lily shut her emerald green eyes for a moment.
"Yes, and that's also where I went this morning…and I didn't see you. And that's why your clothes looked like they didn't get cleaned in weeks and why you look like a freaking deer in the headlight of Hagrid's Freaking flying motorcycle!" Her voice escalated to nearly shouting, but Lily went back to her calmness. "I don't understand why you expect me to believe that, because we don't have any form of furniture in the backyard."
James's face turned pale, and he felt sick. He then said quickly, "Well, Lily, that's where I was for the past," he glanced at his watch, "past 9 hours and 17 minutes."
I got that deer-in-the-headlight look.
She read my face like the cover of a book and said,
"Don't expect me to believe all that static,
'cause just last week I threw that hammock in the attic."
My skin got so thin you could see right though it,
And I stuttered, "Well that's my story and I'm stickin' t-t-to it…
That's my story.
Oh, that's my story.
Well, I ain't got a witness, and I can't prove it,
But that's my story and I'm sticking' to it."
She looked at him, seeing past his hazel eyes. James was about to crack and did so.
"Ok, ok, ok! Gosh damn it, why do you do that? Remus, Peter, Sirius, and myself met at Remus's apartment. We played this muggle game called 'poker' and used potato chips as money. There wasn't a woman in site, and I would've called, but Remus doesn't have a phone yet and Peter's cellular phone was dead. You know I wouldn't cheat on you, or have an affair with anyone else. I'm sorry I couldn't call, and I forgot what time it was-"
"YOU HAVE A WATCH, FOR CRIPES SAKE!"
"Yeah, I know, but…yeah, basically that's my story and I'M sticking TOO it." James sat down at the chair across from Lily.
You know the time comes when a wise man knows
The best thing he can do is just look her in the eye
And beg for mercy and face the bitter truth…
Well honey me and the boys played cards all night.
There wasn't no hanky-panky, not a woman in sight.
I know I should have called, and baby I... I'm really sorry,
But get a cellular phone and then you won't have to worry.
You know how much I love ya, darling, and I'm ready to prove it.
And that's my story and I'm sticking to it.
That's my story.
Oh, that's my story.
Well, I ain't got a witness, and ya know I can't prove it,
But that's my story and I'm sticking' to it."
You know ain't gonna do a thing darling unless you approve it.
And that's my story and I'm sticking to it.
"Ok, ok, James. I forgive you. Why didn't you just tell me the truth outright?" Lily's voice was calmer now, and she put down her cup.
"Well, I owe Sirius 13 bags of sour-cream-and-onion potato chips and Remus 5 bags of these things called Cheetoes."
"Merlin help us…"