Full Title: Not Knowing When the Dawn will Come, I Open Every Door
Summary: One-shot. Regulus is sinking fast, pulled under by the deadweight known as Bartemius Crouch, Jr. When Sirius catches on, he's furious, but does Regulus truly understand why?
Characters: Regulus Black, Barty Crouch Jr., Sirius Black
Pairings: Regulus/Barty and ?/?
Rating: T/PG-13ish…maybe it should be higher, I don't know anymore! I've reached the point where I no longer have any idea what is considered appropriate by normal people!
Warnings: semi-explicit (underage) sexual content, multitude of Emily Dickinson quotes.
Title/Section Headings Credit: Emily Dickinson
Dedication: For my French doppelganger, Romy, who always writes the awesomest stuff and inspires me.
Pardon my Sanity in a World Insane
Sirius is broken.
Hope is the Thing with Feathers
The night is frigid when Regulus leaves his home. A part of him is keening to hear the front door slam open behind him; he wants so badly to hear someone (Mother, Father, Sirius, anybody) calling back to him, saying something along the lines of "get back inside, you'll freeze to death!" He thinks that he would not even mind getting in trouble for slipping out because it would still at least mean that someone noticed his absence. As things are, he does not expect to be missed at all. He can stay out all night and it will be long into the next day before anyone wonders where has Regulus gotten off to?
Small balls of either snow or hail are drifting lazily down from the cloudy sky. Regulus slides his hood up and makes his way down the road. Cars and buses pump exhaust into his lungs and fill his eyes with the bright shine of their headlights. There is a very small public park perhaps a quarter of a mile away. Regulus makes his way there.
What's the point in going back home? He wonders while sitting on a swing, his arm lazily looped around the chain. Regulus loves his parents and his big brother so much, but it seems they are more interested in hating each other than loving him back. Father only wants to control Mother, Mother wants only to control Sirius, and Sirius, ever the one to break the supposed cycle, wants only to leave. Regulus thinks he would not mind it if Sirius wanted to continue the family tradition of being a control freak and order Regulus around, because it would at least mean that he cared in some way. Sirius has never shown much of an interest at all in Regulus, though, and had been actively avoiding him as of late.
Regulus feels a few tears try to slide down his face, but they move slowly in the freezing temperature, threatening to turn entirely to ice and stick to his face.
Maybe he should just stay out here and wait for…wait for what? Wait to freeze to death? Wait for his family to eventually find him? Wait for someone else to find him? How painful would freezing to death be exactly?
A pitiful cry from the nearby bushes startles Regulus to attention.
Startled, he stands up and draws his wand. He is alone in the park right now—save for whatever made the noise—and so he lights his wand with a hushed lumos.
Tangled in the brambles of the foliage, thrashing and crying, is a small, newly-feathered bird. Regulus realizes it is some kind of owl, though he does not know exactly which one.
What is a baby owl doing in this kind of weather anyway? No sane creature would bear offspring during the winter…
"You must have started your flying lessons a bit too early, little one," Regulus coos gently. He disentangles the animal and examines it closely. With half its flight feathers torn off it isn't going to be airborne any time soon.
"I wonder where you came from?" asks Regulus, and he looks left and right for a culpable tree nest but sees nothing.
"You'll die out here without my help, you know," Regulus says. The creature thrashes in his grasp, clearly terrified that he means it harm. "I'll take you home and fix you up. It'll be like having a friend…"
Because I Could Not Stop for Death, He Kindly Stopped for Me
"Stop it, Reg, it was just a wild bird."
Regulus is on his knees on the grounds just outside the forest. His hands are held out in front of him, shaking, and his throat is closing up as tears threaten to fall. Dejected but also angry, he turns to look up at Sirius, who stands towering over him, his robes billowing a little menacingly in the strong breeze.
"He was mine," Regulus chokes. "I saved him. He loved me. For over a year he was my friend."
"I'm sure Mummy and Daddy will buy you a new bird. Now get back inside."
"You go back inside, Sirius!" Regulus screeches. "Why did you come all the way out here, anyway?"
"I was passing by, I heard you screaming."
Regulus rolls his eyes. "I didn't think you had it in you to care about me, just leave me alone."
Sirius is silent for a moment while he watches Regulus gently prod the lifeless owl before him. With shaking fingers, he tries vainly to smooth the feathers back down, rearrange the neck back to its proper angle.
"The Headmaster will have your head for the injuries you inflicted on that thestral," Sirius reminds him.
"I don't care!" Regulus yells. He has had quite enough of his brother's callousness. "It killed Jynx. I thought they were trained not to touch our owls!"
"Domestic owls, Regulus, not every random mix-breed bird that flies above the treeline. Get an owl from the apothecary and it'll be just fine."
"I don't want a different bird, I want this one!"
Sirius finally leans down and grasps Regulus by the waist. He heaves him to his feet. "Well it looks like you're out of luck, then, 'cause that bird's as dead as they come. Now get your ass back inside the castle like a good boy. Third year curfew was twenty minutes ago."
Regulus thrashes away from him. "I saved him," he whispers. Pitifully he looks at Sirius with tears swimming in his eyes. "On a cold night a long time ago when I thought I had no one else. We were both sad and alone. Can't you understand that?"
"What I understand, Regulus, is that you need to do as I say. Now come."
Sirius grabs Regulus firmly by the shoulders and starts marching him back up to the castle.
"I wanted to bury him," Regulus says forlornly.
"No."
"Sirius, let me go!" Regulus tries in vain to free himself from Sirius's grasp but cannot. Instead he goes limp, becoming a deadweight, and Sirius is so surprised he drops him.
"Shit, you little fucker! Are you going to make me carry you?"
Regulus is surprised at these words; his real goal had been to frustrate Sirius into leaving him behind, something that had never been difficult to do before.
"Listen to me, Regulus," Sirius hisses. "That thestral's going to come back. They're notoriously protective of their kills. It'll return, probably accompanied by more, and if it sees you," he pointed harshly to Regulus's hands, which were shining with Jynx's blood, "wrist deep in its dinner, it'll tear you apart. Now for the last time, get up before I lose my patience."
Regulus can hear hoof beats. He cannot see the thestrals, for he has never seen death, but not two hundred yards away from them he can see Jynx's body move as though something is slamming into it. The movements stop for a moment, and Regulus has the unsettling feeling that something is looking at him.
He starts to shake and this time doesn't resist when Sirius once again sets him on his feet.
"Let's get you out of here before you get yourself killed," Sirius says, hastening Regulus up to the castle gate.
"I didn't think you cared," mumbled Regulus.
Sirius looks incredibly hurt by his words.
Till I Loved I Never Lived
Sirius does not speak to Regulus for a week. Not so much as a smile is shared between them on the occasions that they pass in hallways or spot each other at the dinner table. Regulus is used to Sirius's distance, but now without his owl to comfort him, he feels more alone than he ever has. He thinks a healthy person would not feel so constantly depressed.
"Can I sit here?"
Regulus looks up in pure shock. His eyes focus on a boy called Bartemius Crouch Jr., a fellow Slytherin three years his senior. Bartemius is standing politely behind the empty seat next to Regulus. Regulus's entire end of the dining table is empty, actually, and he wonders vaguely why his housemate would want to choose a seat so close to him when there are so many other options.
"Go ahead," Regulus murmurs. Usually his classmates avoid him as much as Sirius does. He is no stranger to being left out of group activities and to working in class alone. Regulus is not an ugly person by any means, but even his Sirius-esque looks cannot compensate for his standoffish behavior and introversion. He seems to exude depression, and most other people, legitimately terrified of catching it, steer clear of him.
For whatever reason, Bartemius has decided to immerse himself in Regulus's pitch-black aura.
"Thanks," the boy sits down. "You know, I've noticed you've seemed sad lately," he says carefully. "Is everything all right?"
Regulus pries apart a dinner roll and stares disinterestedly at its soft insides. "There's been a death in my family," he says shortly. Bartemius's eyes widen in understanding.
"That's rough," he says in a soft voice. "Were you close?"
"He loved me more than anyone else in my entire family," Regulus says and with a wrenched heart, he realizes he's telling the truth.
"Poor thing," says Bartemius. He extends a hand to Regulus. "My name is Barty Crouch," he says kindly, and Regulus shakes his hand.
"Yes, I know you," says Regulus. "Why are you sitting next to me?"
"Well I'm a prefect, aren't I? I can't go having students sink into irreparable depressions on my watch, now can I?" He smiles lightly. "Really, you're looking pretty low. You can always talk to me if you need somebody to confide in, that's why I'm here!" he points happily to his badge. Regulus thinks Barty has a good smile.
"Yeah," Regulus looks away because he's probably been staring longer than is acceptable. He makes brief eye contact with his brother across the hall. Sirius is focused on him for once, and with a suspicious look on his face. Regulus wonders how long Sirius has been watching him and Barty.
"My name is Regulus Black, by the way," Regulus realizes belatedly that just because he is vaguely familiar with Barty does not mean the prefect knows him by name, and since Barty initiated a handshake, he was probably looking for a formal introduction. Regulus blushes with embarrassment at his own poor social skills.
Barty only laughs. "Oh don't worry, I know exactly who you are. You're Sirius Black's little brother. You've got a potions class that gets out just before my study hall, and you're always going to bed super early."
Regulus bites his lip, and before he can respond, Barty's hand has slid under the table and is resting gently on Regulus's knee. The gesture silences any possible response. Regulus only breaths and looks into Barty's eyes where he sees an almost predatory look. He wonders if Sirius is still watching him.
Finite to Fail but Infinite to Venture
Regulus falls hard. He is so rarely afforded physical contact that the simplest gestures from Barty electrify him. Barty grabs his hand in the hallways, brushes bangs from his face while he reads. He seats him gently in his lap and places small kisses to his forehead and the back of his hand.
Regulus thinks this must be what love is like, and finds his depression lifting. How he has been cheated all his life by not experiencing anything close to this level of affection! Barty is kind to him, and affectionate. He talks with him, walks him through homework assignments and gives him advice. Perhaps this is how Sirius would have treated him, if he were a proper big brother?
Barty lets Regulus come into his bedroom at nights and curl up next to him.
"You're very special," he says one night, trailing a hand down Regulus's neck. Regulus's whole body tingles at the sensation of another person's flesh touching his own so gently.
Regulus shakes his head because he doesn't believe him. If he were special, then he would have been told by now.
"Don't act so surprised," whispers Barty. He kisses the underside of Regulus's jaw and Regulus squeaks, startled.
The room is empty save for them. Barty has only two roommates and both are home for the Christmas holidays. Regulus is at first grateful for this because it means no one heard his embarrassing outcry. A minute later, he feels frightened that there is no one there to hear him call out for help.
Barty has rolled completely on top of him and is kissing his lips with fervor. Regulus's mouth dampens with Barty's saliva, and he can feel his lips vibrating while Barty hums against him. He seems impatient, and Regulus doesn't want to disappoint him, but he also doesn't know how to kiss someone.
"Open your mouth, Love," Barty prompts him.
Regulus obeys after a moment's hesitation; his inexperience is a matter of little importance, because Barty is doing all the work.
Regulus has changed his mind; this is not how he thinks a good older brother would act. The touches are nice, but Barty is heavy. He keeps Regulus's mouth covered with his own, and Regulus finds himself struggling to breath.
Against his will, he is reminded forcefully of playfights at home with his brother. Is Barty, like Sirius, waiting for Regulus to give up? To declare him the winner?
"Shh, still," Barty commands.
Regulus blinks. He thinks he has been being still (he is too scared to do much of anything else). He tries to be even stiller.
Barty is nearly frantic. He grinds against Regulus. Clearly, he is getting some amount of pleasure from this, but Regulus only hurts.
Barty takes a brief pause to throw off his shirt. Still straddling Regulus, he reaches down to undo every button on his shirt and trousers. Regulus tries to sit up, but Barty pushes him back down. Regulus closes his eyes and feels a warm hand wrap around his cock.
Barty's voice is mocking, and a touch disappointed. "You're not excited for me?" he asks, trying with deft hands to coax Regulus to hardness. "It's not like you're not old enough…Maybe you're just too sheltered and innocent," he adds in a daemonic whisper. Regulus meets his gaze and sees a predatory smirk on Barty's face; the fox has indeed declared the grapes sour, but this time decides he'll burn the whole damn tree down to get them anyway.
Things go on this way for the next few months, and before he knows it, Regulus's Third Year is approaching an end. Barty invites him to come and stay for a while first thing during the summer. "My parents are always away."
Regulus says he'll have to ask his mother, but in reality, he wants to ask Sirius.
He is unsure of himself. He knows so little of the world. He and Barty have done many things together, but Regulus does not know what counts and what does not. Is he still a virgin? He sets out towards the Gryffindor Tower on the first of June with the intent to ask his brother, but when he arrives outside the portrait, Sirius and his friends are just leaving.
"It's the mini-Black," comments James Potter patronizingly. "What're you doing all the way up here, on our turf?"
Regulus can only stutter. "I, uhm, I wanted to talk to my brother," he manages to choke out.
James gags on his own laughter, as though the very idea of Regulus speaking with James's brother is ludicrous. Sirius rolls his eyes.
"Get lost, Reggie, we're busy," he says, gently pushing Regulus aside and walking past him. Remus, Peter and James follow.
"But Sirius—"
"Later, Reggie," Sirius calls over his shoulder.
Regulus returns to the dungeons, dejected. He had not held much hope in the first place, but it still hurt hearing Sirius reject him like that. He and Regulus had not been close for years, but Regulus still needed his brother sometimes. Yet Sirius seems to have radar for detecting just such moments, so he can make himself as scarce as possible.
With none of the brotherly advice he had set out to gain, Regulus makes his own decision. He will say yes to Barty's summer visit offer.
The Slytherin Common Room is nearly empty, but Regulus finds Barty sprawled out on the sofa near the fire, locked in a frantic embrace with a girl a year or two ahead of Regulus. He might have known her name once, but it escapes his head in a fit of anger.
"Barty?" Regulus demands. Barty sits up, the girl sliding easily into his lap. She gives Regulus a kind look.
"Hello," she says. "And you're name is…?"
"Regulus," growls Barty, clearly annoyed. "What are you doing back down here, weren't you off hunting down your brother?"
"He—he didn't want to talk to me," Regulus says through a painful lump in his throat.
"Huh?" the girl is confused.
Barty rolls his eyes. "Regulus, this is my girlfriend, Lisette, and we were a little busy before you so rudely interrupted."
"Girlfriend?" asks Regulus. He's never been so hurt in his life. He's angry, and suddenly he feels a hot stab of hatred for himself strike at his lower belly.
"Yeah," Lisette murmurs. She seems to sense an impending argument, and while she may not know the nature of it, she has enough sense to not want to stick around. "I'll just be up in your dorm, finishing some reading," she says to Barty. "Come join me when you're done talking here."
Barty nods curtly and Lisette leaves.
As soon as she's gone, and he and Barty are alone in the Commons, Regulus wraps his arms around his chest and falls to his knees.
"I hate you," he cries before Barty can say a word.
"Oh, Regulus, calm down," Barty says. He tries to pull the younger boy into his lap. Regulus punches him as hard as he can.
"Fuck," Barty releases him and rubs frantically at his smarting jaw. "What is wrong with you?"
"You could have at least told me you were going to break things off with me," Regulus feels close to tears, but he will not allow himself to cry, he won't.
Barty sighs. "Now why would I want to do that? We have such fun, don't we?"
Regulus looks at him incredulously. "Fun?" he croaks.
Barty makes a soft, cooing sound. "Why don't you come here for a second? Just a hug, okay? It'll make you feel better, it always does." He holds his arms out in invitation and Regulus quavers.
Hugs are his weakness and he knows it. He loves the closeness and they remind him of his brother, but in the end, what little pride he has wins out.
"Fuck off, I'm not your toy," Regulus spits. Barty seems shocked that Regulus has refused him. He starts to stand up; Regulus backs away from him quickly. "How dare you treat me like this! Some sort of side-thing? It's not fair to me, and it's not fair to Lisette, either!"
"Oh, poor Reggie, just don't understand," Barty says. He reaches for Regulus.
The nickname used primarily by Sirius triggers something primal in Regulus's brain and he leaps backwards, out of Barty's reach.
"I never want to talk to you again," he hisses. He dashes towards his dorm room. "Don't follow me, or I'll scream!" he adds when Barty strides after him.
Regulus collapses into his bed with his clothes still on. He curls up on his side and waits for night to fully fall. One by one, his roommates enter and fall asleep, but Regulus stays awake all night, both worried and hopeful that the door might open one more time.
Morning Without You is a Dwindled Dawn
Now Regulus is truly alone. He is too hurt from the last time to try and reach out to Sirius again, and Barty has kept his distance. He awakes each morning in his dorm, more depressed than ever. The end of term is mere days away and although Sirius has not said anything specific, Regulus has a feeling he will be going home this summer alone.
On the Wednesday morning before the end of the school year, Regulus wakes up to cold tears already sliding down his face. There is no noise in his dorm; the birds outside are quiet as death. It is the kind of silent that compresses around Regulus, smothering him until he throws his water glass to the floor just to break the silence, to prove he can still hear.
Panting, he watches the glass shatter on the dungeon floor. He stares at the mess and bites his short nails. All over his body, his skin is tingling with absence.
He was never too fond of his and Barty's activities, but he does miss the touching. The hugs, the chaste kisses…he will find none of that at home, alone with only his parents, who will undoubtedly be irate over Sirius's disappearing act.
He solemnly gets dressed and heads down to breakfast. In the hall, he runs into Barty.
"B—Barty," Regulus stutters and Barty raises an eyebrow at him.
"…I'm sorry," Regulus continued. "Would you ever forgive me? You can hit me back if you want."
Barty appraises him skeptically. "You threw quite the tantrum," he says. "But I take it you've reconsidered?"
Regulus nods. "Can I…can I still come and stay with you for a while this summer?" he asks nervously.
Barty is nodding. "I was going to have Lisette over for a while, but I think I could be persuaded to find some time for you."
Regulus feels no anger towards Barty or his girlfriend anymore. Instead he feels only a strong sadness and a disappointment in himself.
Barty opens his arms and Regulus falls into the hug. Most everyone is in the Great Hall eating, and so they are unseen save for a pair of grey eyes staring from a doorway behind them.
Sirius Black scowls fiercely as he watches his little brother cuddle up close to Crouch.
"You were seriously behaving like such a brat," Barty says coolly. Regulus looks up at him.
"Do you forgive me?" he asks desperately.
Barty nods. "Yes, I suppose," he says. "But it all depends on how good of an apology you give me later."
"I can apologize again right here if you want me to," insists Regulus innocently, but Barty places a finger to his lips, shushing him.
"Shh, not here, people might see. Later. Now, come and let's eat some breakfast," Barty adds, sliding an arm over Regulus's shoulder and leading him into the Great Hall. Behind them Sirius is grinding his teeth hard enough to chip enamel.
Tell the Truth but Tell it Slant
"Regulus," Sirius scolds. He yanks Regulus from the crowd of students by his collar and drags him off the entryway, where they are more or less alone.
"Huh?" Regulus makes a strangled noise and tries to free himself. "Sirius, what?"
"Crouch," says Sirius coldly. "Just what do you think you are doing, hanging around with him?"
Regulus looks at his brother warily, trying to gauge his level of anger.
"I don't understand—"
Sirius slaps him. "How stupid are you, Reggie?" he demands.
Regulus regains his balance and stands tall. "I am not stupid," he insists.
"Oh really? Then tell me he's not using you, Regulus, tell me!"
"Using me?" Regulus squeaks. He doesn't know how Sirius know, or if he even knows, but he defends his honor anyway. "He isn't using me; I'm fine! You just don't like him because you hate all Slytherins!"
"You're a Slytherin, Regulus," says Sirius exasperatedly.
"Yeah, and you haven't cared for me much lately, either," Regulus says. "Just leave me alone, Sirius, like you were planning to already."
Sirius looks confused. "What do you mean by that?" he asked.
"What? You think I'm so stupid I couldn't tell?" Regulus screeched. "You're not coming home this year at all, probably running off with your friends somewhere. If you're gonna' leave me all alone, Sirius, fine but don't think you can still tell me what to do!"
"Regulus, I—"
"I'm going," Regulus concludes. He is panting a little and his face is flushed with exertion. "I'm late for Divination. A few months ago…a few months ago I really would have appreciated your concern, Sirius, I really would have. But I'm over needing your attention now, so if you'd kindly leave me alone…"
And Regulus leaves with as much dignity as he can muster, one hand still rubbing ruefully at the red mark Sirius had left on his face.
Saying Nothing Sometimes Says the Most
Sirius cannot allow Regulus to see Barty. Just the sight of that Slytherin boy makes his blood boil. He finds himself staring scathingly across the Great Hall at meal times, imagining grinding Barty Crouch's face into the hardwood. He bites his lip and clutches his dinner fork menacingly.
Regulus is leaning on Barty—dependently. He looks up at him like a lovesick puppy, his eyes wide and trusting. Regulus lets Barty feed him with one hand and sneak the other down dangerously low…Sirius's eyes narrow. No one else is paying the two Slytherins any attention; he contemplates the pros and cons of causing a scene. He could storm up to the other table so easily… drag Barty off by his lapels, beat him into the ground, then grab Regulus and leave.
"Padfoot?" asks James. Sirius hears him vaguely, as though from a great distance.
"Huh?" he swirls around to face his friend, at last breaking eye contact with the Slytherin table.
"You've been staring at your brother for over twenty minutes," James says uneasily. "Is something wrong?"
Sirius grinds his teeth. "Yes," he admits. "The company he's keeping."
James cranes his neck to see over the Ravenclaws. "Your brother's got himself a boyfriend, looks like," he comments wryly.
"No he doesn't," Sirius snaps.
"Sirius Black," says Remus Lupin's voice from across the table. "Is someone's big brother instinct finally kicking in?"
Sirius shoots a glare at his other friend. "He's using him," he hisses.
Remus looks over his shoulder. "…How do you figure?"
"I just know," Sirius says.
"They've been like that for months, and you've never said anything before. I never got the impression you cared much," James says off-handedly. "I mean, it's just…Regulus."
For an instant, Sirius feels like he could hit him, because James—ever, ever the only child—just doesn't understand. He can't fathom caring for someone who gives him nothing in return.
Or perhaps he could…Sirius's rage fades as he realizes with a sinking heart that his possessive fixation on Regulus is easily comparable to James's long-time harassment of Lily Evans.
There's one important difference, though—Sirius looks down the Gryffindor table at Lily Evans, who is talking animatedly with her friends about something sports-related—Lily can fend for herself. Regulus cannot.
"He's thirteen, Prongs, he doesn't know good from bad."
James shrugs, apathetic. His mind moves on. "When's the next full moon, Moony?" he asks.
Sirius sees Barty get up, and tug Regulus by the sleeve, prompting him to follow. Automatically, Sirius stands up as well, ignoring his friends' questions.
Barty leads Regulus away and Sirius has a hard time tailing them without being too obvious. He's still debating whether or not to confront them at all. Regulus has told him quite clearly to fuck off, but he is thirteen for god's sake, he doesn't know what he's doing, he—
No, that was wrong, Sirius realizes suddenly. Regulus is fourteen now, isn't he? His birthday had been the last week of March. The…shit...the 30th!
Sirius feels sick to his stomach with guilt, and even though Barty has pushed Regulus up against an alcove wall and latched himself to the boy firmly, Sirius turns around and walks away, leaving the scene behind him.
For Loves Reforms Vitality Into Divinity
Sirius retreats into himself, and Barty is grateful for it. The oldest Black has been a meddlesome nuisance, trying to separate him from his Regulus. By the time Regulus is sixteen, and Barty nearly twenty, Barty has become unforeseeably attached to the boy. He had broken up with Lisette two years ago, and the girlfriend after her had only lasted until graduation. Barty had gotten involved with several other women and a few men as well, but none of those relationships lasted long, either. It was as though a part of him is afraid Regulus would leave him again.
What he needs is a way to make sure the youngest Black would be tied to him forever. As Regulus had grown, he had stayed the same in many ways. His hair is still coal-black, his eyes still steely grey. He is still slim and regal. His voice has changed but not by that much, and his Seeker's hands are still as smooth and adept as always. Yet one thing is different:
He is growing up.
Though Regulus still relishes Barty's touches, he seems more keen to reciprocate. He struggles to present himself on equal footing with Barty. Vanishing is the all-adoring, puppy-dog look he used to have about him. Disappearing are the days where he wanted Barty to take care of him, control him, be in charge…
Barty wants Regulus to depend on him forever, to stay weak forever, and after many a conversation down dark and deserted alley, he finally finds his solution.
"Wake up, sleepy-head," he murmurs into Regulus's ear. "We're going out for a bit."
Regulus rolls over and sits up, rubbing at his eyes. "Huh?" he mumbles. "What for, Barty, what time is it?"
Barty smiles. He runs a hand through Regulus's hair possessively. When has he become so hopelessly attached to this kid? Easy sex, that's what it had been at first, but then he had found it so thrilling to have such dominance over someone else, so…enthralling. It could have been anyone, really. Regulus isn't really special…just because his eyes light up whenever Barty comes to get him from school, or the way he closes his eyes when he laughs or…
"Just get dressed; it's a surprise."
Regulus obeys him like he always has, but there's a slight hesitation to his actions that Barty doesn't like.
"Come on," he takes Regulus by the arm. "Get ready."
Regulus has not yet taken his apparation test, but Barty has been sneaking him in and out of Hogsmeade for almost two years now, so the disapparation is not unusual for him.
When they land, Regulus sees they are in alley.
"This way," Barty tugs him down the road and up to a discreet building. Regulus gets the feeling it is glamoured.
Before he can ring the bell, Regulus pulls Barty to him.
"What are we doing, Barty?" he demands fearfully. He's never truly trusted Barty much, and the thought that he has little idea where he is is starting to terrify him.
"Hush, Regulus," Barty chants soothingly. "We're here to see some people. There's a war going on, you know, and it's about time we did our bit."
"…war?" Regulus mewls. "Barty I don't want anything—"
"Shut up," hisses Barty, raising a hand. For a split second, Regulus thinks he might hit him, but Barty only slides his knuckles down Regulus's cheek. "Shush…we'll do it together, okay? We'll match."
Regulus bites his lip, uncertain.
"The Dark Lord is going to win, Regulus," Barty cajoles. "I'm just making sure we're on the winning side. This way we'll be safe. Safe and together. You want to be with me always, don't you Regulus?"
And Regulus nods because he thinks he does.
"Just keeping you safe," whispers Barty reassuringly as he puts a hand on the small of Regulus's back and leads him up to the door. "Safe and sound, by my side forever, okay?"
Regulus nods and Barty swings the door knocker once…twice…
Sirius is in bed when Regulus flings himself desperately through the fireplace, throwing green powder and crying loudly the name of a place he can only hope is still an accurate address. If Sirius has moved…or lied to him about where he lives to begin with…
Regulus falls face-first onto Sirius's living room rug. Sirius arrives a moment later, groggy and dressed in only his boxers.
"Fucking…Regulus?" he asks incredulously. At first he cannot be sure, but closer examination determines that his little brother is indeed spread-eagle on his living room floor, panting heavily and looking near tears.
Regulus struggles to sit up. "S—Sirius!" he cries.
Sirius kneels down next to him. Though he and Regulus have not spoken for a while, it has not been that long, and Sirius is shocked to see how much Regulus has changed for the worse. His eyes are sunken in and shadowed from stress, his already slim frame is now painfully thin, and there is an unsettling rasp to his breath.
Sirius somehow cannot help but remain petulant. "Well here's Regulus," he asserts. "But where is Bartemius?"
Regulus whimpers. "Barty has…joined," he manages to choke out.
Suddenly Sirius is alert. He goes rigid and grabs Regulus's left arm.
"Regulus," he growls and pushes up his brother's sleeve, an easy task with how frail Regulus has become. "I fucking swear…"
But Regulus's arm is clean, unmarked. Sirius takes several calming breaths. "You didn't do it," he chants. "You didn't follow him."
"I didn't," Regulus confirms.
It seems too good to be true.
"And now you've come here…" says Sirius slowly, hoping. "To stay with me?"
"I—if you'll still have me," murmurs Regulus, looking down. He is clearly expecting Sirius to turn him away, as payback for his earlier rejection.
But Sirius doesn't care that Regulus once cast him aside for Barty, because this is like a do-over. And this time, Sirius will not be so distant; he will not drive his brother so far away that he needs to seek comfort in others.
"Of course, Regulus," Sirius insists. He places his hands on Regulus's shoulders. "I'll always be here for you. I'll look after you, just give me that chance."
Regulus pulls himself up into Sirius's chest.
"As many chances as you want," he whispers. "Just please don't let them find me."
"Never," Sirius assures him. Then he takes a big risk and presses his lips to Regulus's.
Regulus kisses him back without hesitation, soft and needy, as if he's wanted this as long as Sirius has. Sirius can feel his soul filling. As Regulus leans into him, he realizes that this is what's been missing all along.
They topple backward onto the floor, Regulus atop his brother.
"Sirius," Regulus whispers in a nervous voice, as though he has just now noticed Sirius is mostly naked and trapped below him.
Sirius slides one hand up Regulus's shirt, brushing over trembling skin, and the other through his ruffled hair.
"Looks like you've got me," he says. "Now what are you gonna' do with me?"
Regulus can't stop the laugh that escapes his lungs. He hangs on to Sirius's wrist with one free hand, his other busy stroking his brother.
"Start paying you back, I guess…you know, for letting me stay here."
Sirius groans. "I'm doing you a pretty big favor, little brother, it could take you years to reimburse me…possibly forever."
Regulus is already sliding out of his shirt. "Not that I won't try," he promises shyly. "But I'm not sure I could keep going for forever…"
Sirius laughs. "Well I was thinking more like…" he pauses to gasp as Regulus grinds against him. "We do this for just a couple hours a day for forever. And the rest of the time, you'll have to compensate me in another way."
"What's that?" asks Regulus curiously. He latches his mouth to one of Sirius's pulse points.
"Mmm…you'll have to love me," Sirius explains.
Regulus looks into his eyes and Sirius knows he's won. Barty no longer matters. There are no words that need to be said. Regulus is his now—was always his, for Sirius now realizes that all this time Barty was a replacement for him and nothing more—and Regulus will be safe, always.
"Sirius," Regulus says breathlessly. "I've loved you my whole life. I'll love you now, in any way you'll let me. I'll love you until I die, and then beyond that. I've always needed you."
Regulus kisses Sirius again, and seventeen years' frustration dissipates.
The Carriage Held but Just Ourselves and Immortality
Sirius is whole.
Signed/tenrousei-kuroi