A/N: Ugh, yeah, I'm not happy with this one-shot at all. I strongly feel like it's the worst piece of anything I've ever written. But this is my first time writing for The Blacklist and I could be being too hard on myself. I'll let you guys decide. Just let me know!
Liz doesn't think she's ever welcomed the chill of the air so much in her life. It'd been months since she'd last been outside for more than five or ten minutes, and during those times, she'd been moving too quickly to appreciate anything. Especially the breeze against her skin, which had always been something she sought out after during autumn months. It was her favorite season, and although now it was beginning to transition to a cold winter rather than a cool fall, she was going to take what she was given.
Her first day back to work was tomorrow, and she still wasn't sure what to expect. Cooper had told her that the team was happy to have her back, and she believed him, for the most part. Jumping over the gate that led to the Russian Embassy and away from Samar and Ressler was one of many events that happened over the few months that still stuck in her mind. She could practically feel the metal of the gate against the side of her face and could still perfectly envision Ressler's glare, even after everything that's happened since.
Remembering it makes her shiver, and the cool sting of the air has nothing to do with it.
She takes a deep breath and shoves her hands into her coat pocket, trying to tell herself to move on from it. It was done. What happened had happened, and that was that. Her name had been cleared by some miracle she'll never wrap her head around, and Cooper offered her her position back almost immediately. She had already had a glass of wine with Samar to celebrate and an excited phone call from Aram. The support from her friends and colleagues was more than welcomed, but she found herself with a heavy heart still. She longed for Ressler's support, who had so far been absent since the news broke that she'd be back. Without him, she wasn't sure if she could get past everything that happened. Over the course of her partnership, he had become her rock. If she had damaged their friendship beyond repair, she doubted if she could go on with everything.
She simply needed him.
So, with the help of courage a couple of glasses of wine helped to produce, she texted him after a frozen dinner she found in her freezer and asked to meet. He responded in a minute with a simple Where?
And now she found her mind scrambling, thinking of what she could possibly say to her partner that could make things any better. Hey, sorry I put you through the ringer these past four months and I hope I can gain back all of the trust and respect you lost for me. If it makes you feel any better, I only ran away from you that second time because I thought you were trying to kill me. See you in the office tomorrow?
She huffed in annoyance at herself. She hadn't been this nervous talking to Samar or Aram again, or hell, even Cooper. Maybe it was because her thing with Ressler was deeper, maybe it was because they were partners, or maybe it was because he was that someone special she had shared her birthday with. God, that seems like decades ago.
She feels her phone vibrate with a text in her pocket against her fingers, and she pulls it out as she continues to walk.
Where the hell are you? Gettin' cold here, Keen.
Due to the circumstances, she wasn't completely sure if he was joking or actually annoyed. She chose to believe he was attempting to lighten the mood, and manages a smile at that.
Instead of answering his text, she continued walking for a few more seconds, and soon found herself standing just a few feet away from him with her heart beating a million times a minute. Oh God, here we go.
She couldn't help but take a minute to just look at him, and she couldn't figure out why, but despite her nerves she was smiling fondly at him. His back was to her, his strawberry-blonde hair was dancing lightly and carelessly in the wind, and he was fidgeting. Well, maybe he actually was cold. His hands were buried in the pockets of his black overcoat and he was looking out at the water beneath the bridge, and even though it was almost ten at night, he was still wearing pants he probably wore to work earlier. She wouldn't be surprised if he told her he came directly from the office. It saddened and intrigued her all at once.
"Hey," she finally greets with a small burst of courage, walking up to the railing of the bridge. Her voice was soft and he could tell she was nervous even before stealing a glance in her direction. Her arms move to rest on the stone and she begins to remember all of the afternoons they spent there during their lunch breaks, drinking coffee and talking about cases. She hopes they can enjoy days like that again.
"Hey," he answers in reply, sending her a short nod. He looks her way but her eyes are trained on the water, suddenly too nervous to look towards him. She had forgotten how intimidating Ressler's presence could be sometimes. It hadn't affected her like this, though, since the first time she met him. It saddened her realizing how many steps they had taken back due to her time on the run.
He starts to look her over, comparing her to the Liz he hadn't seen in months, the one he associated anger and mistrust with. She dyed her hair back to its original dark brown color, and he was thankful for the fact. The blonde didn't suit her, it wasn't the Liz he had grown to know. She had on jeans and a tan overcoat, and the black gloves she had on to keep her fingers warm were fiddling with each other, probably in nervousness.
Ressler found himself growing sympathetic for her. He hated being the reason why she was nervous for any reason at all, but when he began to think of why she should be nervous in the first place, he grew annoyed all over again. "You brought me out here to talk, Keen, so talk."
His voice was harsh, but surprisingly not as harsh as she anticipated. She raised her head to look over at him, and hated that she was already becoming the slightest bit emotional. "I'm guessing you've heard by now that I'm coming back," she started quietly, adjusting her body so she was completely facing towards him. He did the same with a nod.
"Yeah, I'm aware."
She couldn't tell if he was happy or annoyed at the fact. The man, she realized quickly with a sigh, was as stubborn as ever and still impossible to read.
"I just want to make sure that you and I are okay, Ress," she let out with a breath. He scoffed at her words, but before he could argue, she continued. "Okay, yeah, obviously I've messed up these past few months and I know I've probably lost all of your trust and respect and friendship over it, but tomorrow I'm going back to work, and like it or not, we're going to be partners again. I need to know that you can handle working with me again, because I can't go into work everyday and see the same face you're giving me now." On instinct, he tried to change his facial features. "I mean it's one thing if it's Cooper or Aram or Samar looking at me like that, but..not you, Ressler. I want us to work." She kept her gaze on him, trying to use her profiling skills on him, but he had about as much emotion as a brick wall.
"Look, Keen, I'm not upset that you killed Connolly, I understand why you did it and frankly, I probably would've done the same thing. And I'm not mad about the fact that you went AWOL for four months, because I get you had to do what you had to do." He sighed heavily, and the water vapor flew from his mouth just as dramatically. He shook his head and looked away for a couple of seconds, as if deciding how vulnerable he wanted to be in that moment before looking back at her. "I'm upset that you didn't reach out to me, that you didn't want my help or trust me enough to protect your life and your badge. I'm upset that you chose Reddington out of all people to defend you and keep you safe. I'm upset that I told you after you killed Connolly that I'd help you, but instead, you hung up on me. I'm upset that you had no problem sprinting away from me as if I was after your blood. I'm upset that you didn't believe me when I assured you that I knew you and knew what you were capable of. God, Liz, I trusted you the whole time, and I tried with you, but you were the one who didn't trust me." His voice steadily raised in volume as his irritation took over, and he didn't anticipate it would be getting any lower now that he was finally having this conversation.
She bowed her head and shook it in frustration, as if the answers to all of his issues were in obvious sight. "Ressler, the last thing I was going to do was put your badge on the line just so I could get mine back. I didn't want you involved. You said that this job was all you had, and I wasn't about to be the one to take that away."
He scoffed at her words again, and shook his head absentmindedly. "I said that two years ago, Liz. They hold no truth anymore."
"Okay, then what changed?," she challenged.
"That's beside the point, Liz," he grumbled, really not in the mood to tell her that she was the one who changed his point of view on what he had in life and what he had to live for. No, he wasn't about to cave in right now. He still had a lot more to say. "You don't understand the shit I went through trying to get you back. The people I had to convince so they could let me lead the investigation instead of some power hungry asshole who would've stopped at nothing to shoot you dead. And what did I get in return from you? Nothing."
"I saved your life even when I thought you were trying to end mine," she argued. He opened his mouth to protest, but stopped short when her words sunk in.
"What the hell - Liz! You thought I was trying to kill you?!" If he thought he had felt betrayed before, this hit him like a pile of bricks. He didn't even know what to say, he could barely even look at her. He turned his body towards the edge of the bridge and shook his head defeatedly. This was all such a mess.
"Red assured me that that wasn't the case-" She was interrupted by another scoff.
"I'll see you in the office tomorrow," he snapped, turning away completely before starting to walk down the bridge.
"Ressler!," she called out, holding out her arms in exasperation.
"What the hell do you want me to say, Keen?," he barked suddenly, spinning around. "Do you want me to remind you of all we've been through as partners so you can maybe finally get it drilled into your head that I actually want you safe? Do you want me to assure you that everything I've done these past four months I did with your life in mind? Do you want me to tell you that I teamed up with Tom out of all people just so I could get you back? Do you want me to let you in on the fact that I literally went so crazy with you on the run that I almost killed Samar?" He hated that he felt tears on the surface of his eyes. "I could tell you a whole lot of shit, Keen. But that doesn't change the fact that you, even for a second, thought that I had the heart to kill you. Just saying those words makes me want to be sick."
She had been startled by his sudden angry outburst. She had seen him angry before, but never that angry. She hated that she was the cause of it more than anything. She was frozen to the spot, but his words hit her deep. She didn't know what to say in return. She just hoped the sky was dark enough and the light coming from the light post was dull enough so that he couldn't see the tears forming in her eyes. But of course her damn voice had to crack.
"Ressler, I...I didn't even know who I was during that time." He was already walking away. He was already digging out his keys and he was ready to get into the warmth of his car and drive home, where he didn't have to deal with this for the rest of the night. But her voice cracked...and Donald Ressler was a lot of things, but he definitely wasn't the type of guy about to leave Liz crying on their bridge alone. Their bridge. God, what had this woman done to him?
He turned back around, kept his distance, but listened to what she had to say. He figured he could at least handle that. Maybe focusing on her tears instead of his would go over better. He doubted it.
"I would just look in the mirror," she continued, her gaze facing downward but nowhere specific. Despite it, he could see the inner turmoil she was still going through even now, remembering what had happened. It struck a certain nerve with him, and he felt himself growing sympathetic again. Even his anger slowly began to dissipate. "and I wouldn't recognize myself. I felt like I was somebody else completely. And I was afraid, all the time. I had never been so paranoid in my life and honestly I'm still really paranoid, about basically everything. I hit rock bottom, Ress. Everything that happened with Tom and the Luther Braxton events and Connolly and everything, it just all caught up to me when I was on the run. I don't remember ever feeling so lost and empty."
She looked up again with an expression so painful and true that all Ressler wanted to do was give her the whole world. He didn't even think that would suffice. He could clearly see the tears in her eyes and the ones rolling down her face, and before he could stop himself, he was making strides towards her. His hands were holding her cheeks in an instant, and she found tears in his eyes as well.
"I'm sorry," she told him softly, sincerely. "I'm sorry for all of the hurt and pain I've caused you-"
"Hey," he urged quietly, wiping away one of her tears with his thumb. "I just need you to know one thing, okay?" She nodded in response. "I would never do anything to hurt you. I would kill myself before I let anything happen to you." He rested his forehead against hers, and she closed her eyes with a nod.
"I know, Ress. I do, I promise." He nodded in satisfaction before they wrapped each other in an embrace. She held onto him in the same way she did after the stewmaker, crying into his shoulder and gripping his coat like he was the only good thing left in her life. He held her head protectively, whispering comforting things into her ear.
When her crying subsided, she pulled away but they didn't move much further apart. Their foreheads met again and they found solace with each other. Ressler doesn't remember a time when he's felt more at home.
"You were what changed, Liz," he whispered, and she recognized immediately what it meant for him to say those words. She held his face in her hands, taking a moment to brush away a tear.
"I'm not going anywhere," she assured, a strength taking hold of her voice that he couldn't help but believe in.
A/N: These two are going to be the death of me, I'm sure. That's why I had to get this out, I usually only write for Chicago Fire because that's what I'm used to, but I'm taking a risk! It's pretty tough jumping from one show to another when writing so hopefully I'll get better at writing for Keenler and TBL. Please review! Happy writers write more often!