Naruto Character Therapy
Hello, you have reached the office of the Naruto Character Therapy headquarters. If you would like to talk to one of professional therapists, please remain silent and listen to the following:
If you are Uzumaki Naruto, you suffer from ADHD. Please press... no Naruto, not that button. No, not that button either. And before you press any more... NO THAT'S NOT THE BUTTON! (Sigh) I guess we'll just have to wait for you to figure out what button you're supposed to press.
If you're Uchiha Sasuke, then we guess your depression medication has run out. Before you decide to hang yourself due to your failure to kill Itachi, please press 02. Yes, we know you can't press anything due to your wrists. Just do it, please? How about this: press 02 and we'll give you Itachi. Sounds fair?
If you're Haruno Sakura, then you're probably panicking over the Sasuke message you just heard. Please press 03 and we'll touch you up with our Anxiety Disorder professionals. Sasuke's fine, just emo.
If you're Ino, then stop binging and please press 04 so we'll get you in contact with our Anorexia nervosa team. They'll make you feel good about your body shape in no-time.
If you're Choji, please put down that plate and press 05. Binging is not good for anyone, especially for someone with your size.
If this is Shikamaru, then you suffer from Ganser syndrome. That translates to: You're perfectly fine. Don't use a mental disorder as an excuse to slack off, dumbass.
If you're Kiba, then you have the medical condition Lycanthropes. Stop barking and remember you're human enough to press 06. We'll send some dog-catches who have lots of doggy biscuits to help sort you out.
If you are Hinata, you may be too scared to push 07. Don't worry; we know ways to help you endure your Avoidant personality disorder. No one is going to criticize you and everything's going to be okay.
If this is Gaara speaking, you may be offended to push 08 and prefer to crush the phone instead. For the love of god, PLEASE DON'T. We have medication to help sort out your schizophrenia and autism. Pretty soon, you will be as social and easygoing as Naruto.
If this is Neiji, then you suffer from Narcissistic personality disorder. You may decide that this phone you're talking on is too lousy for someone as great as you to push 09. But if you do, don't worry: it's our little secret.
If this is Rock Lee, then you can stop doing pushups and press 10. Your addiction to exercise has gone on long enough. STOP IT! We'll have tranquilizers ready for you in the office.
If this is Tsunade, you have a Gambling addiction. Please put down the cards AND money to press 11. No, Shizune didn't have anythign to do with this.
If this is you Itachi, then please put down the phone and press 12 and PUT DOWN THAT BUCHER KNIFE IMMEDIEATLY! Calm down and we'll have you bipolar disorder under control. Take a deep breath and try not to kill too many people.
Thank you for calling.
I got the idea for this a while back but never got the chance to post it until now. Thank you for reading and please review.