Emotions

by BlackBear53

It has been a long time since my last story but here I am. This story is a continuation of another that refuses to be finished but I needed to do something so here it goes. Deeks is harboring some hidden emotions and needs to get them out. He goes about it as only he can.

Part One

The mission bustled at the shift change. The night personnel shuffled out of the building

and the day shift came in as Callen and Sam entered through the front door of the building. For once Kensi and Deeks had beaten them to work and were in the bullpen area. Deeks sat at his desk working on a long overdue report and Kensi went for their coffee.

Sam, in a fun-loving mood, harassed G as they walked into the bullpen. "Yo, G, you look exhausted. You should learn to sleep at night. Look at all those dark circles under your eyes"

Callen knew that Sam exploited his exhaustion for his own amusement and to try to get him to take better care of himself. "Jarrett and Kendyl have colds and were up most of the night. It made for a short night." Out of the corner of his eye he could see Marty stiffen so he turned slightly to watch him.

Marty tried to ignore the remark and his own feelings as he fought the urge to comment. He didn't look up from the report he worked on. "Did you help her?" There was no humor in his voice.

"Deeks?" Surprise at the tone of the question tempered Callen's reaction. "Is there a problem?" Callen watched the style by pillow detective for signs of joking.

Deeks never looked up but his voice became more antagonistic. "I know you don't sleep much, but did you at least help her?" Marty's voice edged over to anger.

Sam rose from his desk and started in Deeks direction. "What's up Deeks?"

Marty didn't look at him or respond; he just got up and stomped off to the armory. Everyone sat stunned by his behavior; even Kensi. Marty had never behaved that way before.

Callen turned to Kensi with a questioning look on his face. "Kens, what's going on?"

Kensi turned from the hallway where Deeks had disappeared. She looked as confused as everyone else. "Callen, I have no idea. I'll go and talk to him." She started to head after him.

"Kens have a seat. He's got a beef with me for some reason, I'll go." Callen started after him, perplexed as to what had set Marty off. He knew that Deeks protected the innocent but Sara and his kids? Callen headed to the armory to find Deeks. When he arrived Deeks never looked up from the rifle he cleaned: cleaned with a fury. He seemed upset, but with what or who? Callen decided to watch him work for a moment before starting to speak but watching Deeks gave G no information except that something was wrong. "Deeks? Do you have a problem with me today?"

Marty looked at the floor, ceiling, and past Callen but never met G's eyes. "Callen, I'm sorry; I shouldn't have taken it out on you."

Callen nodded in agreement, but to what was he agreeing? Deek's behavior had been uncalled for. "What exactly are you taking out on me? If it helps I'll be the whipping boy, but it doesn't seem to be helping you."

Deeks looked at Callen but really it was past him and Callen knew it. "Sorry man. I can't really talk about it." Deeks looked back down at the rifle as he cleaned it.

He didn't know why, but Callen felt sorry for him. "If you need to talk, I'll be here." Callen turned and left the armory as Nell came in.

"Deeks, Kensi needs you to call Lt. Bates. She needs some more information on the Klayborn case. She looked at Marty and knew immediately that something bothered him. "What's shaking Shaggy?" She hoped that the levity helped him get out of the doldrums.

Deeks looked up at Nell. She had become a good friend as well as a good partner while Kensi had been deployed. He trusted her with his life, why not with this. "Yeah Velma, I'll call as soon as I'm done here." He took a beat and started talking. "Can we talk?"

The serious demeanor made Nell worry about him. "Sure Shaggy. What's up?"

Deeks hesitated before speaking. He didn't quite fathom how anyone else would understand what he was feeling. He didn't know about it himself. "When Callen and Kens went to Afghanistan, Callen charged me with taking care of Sara and the kids. I did that. I became part of that family. Monty and I were there more often than not. I found myself being a father to Callen's kids and I enjoyed it." He hesitated before continuing. "Maybe enjoyed it too much." Marty stopped and thought more before continuing. He felt that if it came out of his mouth his secret wouldn't be secret anymore. "I also began having feelings for Sara. While we were in Kauai I wondered what it would be like to be married to her. I tried to get rid of those feelings, honestly I did. They just wouldn't go. I kissed her just before Callen and Kensi showed up and that, well, awkward doesn't cover it."

Nell stood in her spot stunned by this information. She never saw any inclination on his or Sara's part. "Does Callen or Kensi know?"

Deeks smiled and chuckled. "Yeah, he and Kensi both saw it."

Nell's eyes just about popped out of her head with shock. "And they said what?"

"Not much, they both accepted that we were confused about why we were in Kauai and how long they had been gone. They had been missing for eighteen months. Sara covered for me. She really had nothing to do with my emotions." He looked away from Nell as if he were ashamed.

"Marty, how did Sara react to it? She could see where the confusion came into the picture. Not one of them had dealt with missing teammates well.

Deeks smiled again. "She made it seem like it was Ok: it was a mistake. She then asked how I felt; not about the kiss, but my feelings. I told her I felt like a rat for kissing a good friends wife and that it felt like I kissed my sister." He hesitated before looking at Nell. "Neither answer was honest; I'd wanted to kiss her for a long time."

Nell, blown away by the confession looked at the floor and then back to Deeks. "How do you feel about this now? It's been five months since they came back. Have you talked to Sara about this since then?"

Deeks looked from Nell to the weapons displayed on the wall. "I still feel the same now as I did back then. Don't get me wrong I love Kensi and don't want to do anything to hurt her and I like and respect Callen, I really do, but these are the feelings I put aside every day. I'm starting to have a hard time dealing with them. I emphasize that she does not feel like my sister and I honestly do not want to make a move on her, but sometimes Callen's grousing gets to me.

Nell had never heard him talk so much about anything that mattered so much to him and it worried her. He at the best of times was a fragile soul. This might push him over the edge. "Marty, what do you want to do about this?"

Deeks gave her one of his million watt smiles and she could see he didn't have an answer. "I honestly don't know."

Seeing that Marty didn't have an answer didn't make Nell any more comfortable with the conversation so she sent him back to work. "Alrighty Shaggy, call Lt. Bates and at some point talk to Sara. See if she can help with this."

Deeks gave her another megawatt smile. "Thank you Velma." He finished the rifle and went back to his partner.

Part Two

Callen, who was still at a loss as to what had set off Deeks, went to the gym to hit the bag for a while. He couldn't place what he was feeling or why. This was Deeks, the funny guy. Even in some of the tensest moments the team ever experienced, Deeks would be cracking jokes. There were only three times that he could remember Marty being serious; when they went to get Kensi out of Afghanistan, when they went to get Hetty in Romania and when the Comescu came after Sara. He punched the bag a few more times and went to the showers. When he came out Sam waited for him in the hall.

Sam wore a worried look. "What's up with Deeks?"

Callen understood Sam's curiosity. Something between team members could upset the delicate balance that makes a team work. He worried about it too. "He wouldn't talk about it. Maybe Kensi can get it out of him later." Callen walked past Sam just as the whistle came from upstairs

Eric stood at the top of the stairs to make his announcement. "Case on deck my lords and ladies, all are requested to attend."

Kensi ran to find Deeks and Nell stood watching the team, but Callen had the distinct impression she looked directly at him. What's going on?

When all were up in OPS, Deeks stood as far from Callen as he could. It did not go unnoticed by Callen or Sam.

Eric and Nell filled them in on the case and Callen delegated parts of the mission to Kensi and Deeks, Eric and Nell. Callen and Sam took the crime scene.

Part Three

Kensi and Deeks drove to the ship the victim had been assigned to. Both Kensi and Deeks were extremely quiet. Kensi spoke first. "Marty what happened this morning? Why'd you go off like that on Callen?"

Deeks looked out the window and sighed. "I didn't like the tone of his complaining. You have kids; you do what you have to, not whine about it. It irritated me this morning. That's all."

Kensi, surprised by this diatribe, gave a nervous laugh. "Marty I don't think that he complained, he explained his night to Sam. Is there something else?"

"No, nothing. I'll get over it." He looked straight ahead out over the hood.

Kensi didn't believe it for a minute, but maybe he would tell her someday.

Part Four

Nell took the conversation home with her and worried about Deeks. As she made her hot chocolate she thought about the conversation with Deeks. It was a painful conversation for him. He'd laid his emotions on the line. She also realized that her reaction to that chat had great importance to him. She's his friend and wanted him to feel like he could trust her. She also had to consider what the damage could be if these feeling went unchecked. Internal conflicts between team members could cause irreparable damage. Callen wouldn't take Deeks crankiness too long, either, but she would be watching from now on.

Part Five

After dinner, Sam took time to think about this morning. While Callen deployed, Deeks spent a lot of time with Sara. He had spoken to Marty about it and Deeks said everything remained cool. Sam thought about those answers and realized that Deeks hadn't been exactly honest and now he wondered what had really happened between them. Callen, Sara, Deeks and Kensi all seemed alright, but something had happened. He knew that if he pressed it with Deeks it could blow up in his face and they would lose him. If he didn't, Callen would lose it and Deeks would still be gone. This discussion would take finesse.

Part Six

Deeks went home that night and took Monty for a walk. He needed the time to do some soul searching. Walking on the beach had usually been cathartic for him but this time it just added to his confusion. It brought back to him all the times with Sara and the kids at the beach. It made him think of the pain he felt when they told him Kensi was missing and how he slowly fell in love with Sara. He had told Nell that he didn't want to make a move on Sara and he meant it. The only drawback was that he still wanted to protect her. He wanted to take Gretchen to school for Parents Day. He hoped that Kensi and he would be invited to school concerts and plays. He missed Callen's children and Sara.

During the last couple of months he had kept away from the Callen household. They had been invited for cookouts and end of the week relaxation parties with the team but he couldn't make himself go. Seeing Sara and the children with Callen had become unbearable.

As he walked and played with Monty he tried to talk himself out of his feelings; that was obviously not working. Nell told him to talk to Sara and he would have to. He needed to be able to face Kensi and work with Callen. He would call her tomorrow to talk and hopefully to clear his conscience.

Part Seven

Nell arrived at work very early the next morning. She didn't sleep well thinking about Deeks and his predicament. She worried about the ramifications of the problem for the rest of the team. Callen wouldn't take it well and neither would Kensi.

She was down in the bullpen starting the morning coffee when Callen came in. "Nell, Good morning."

Nell just wanted to disappear upstairs and come back down when they all left. "Good morning Callen."

Callen had realized that Nell had a strong friendship with Deeks and if he had told anyone what was going on with him it might be her. "When you were in the armory yesterday did Deeks talk to you?"

Nell didn't know how to answer him. She technically should tell him about the conversation, but she felt like that would betray Deeks. "We talked about the Klayborn case and calling Lt. Bates."

Callen looked at her and knew she wasn't saying everything about her conversation with Deeks. "That's all Nell?"

Nell felt between a rock and a hard place and she did what anyone else in her shoes would do; she lied. "We talked about Lt. Bates and what beach he's going to this weekend. He talked about surfing. I don't understand surfing that much."

Callen looked at her and knew that she lied. She spent weekends at the beach with Eric and even surfed with him. He needed to train her to lie better than that. "I'm just worried about him. If you hear anything that concerns the team will you let me know?"

Nell tried to get her heart rate down. Lying to Callen always had been difficult for her and lying to your boss is never good. "You got it. He usually doesn't confide in me though." She left and went up to the Ops center.

Now Callen knew she didn't tell him everything. He'd just have to keep an eye on her. The day before flashed in his brain. She had been watching him so Deeks had said something to her.

The only way to find out is to talk to the source, Deeks. He'd ask him to go surfing. They'd always enjoyed doing that together. They hadn't surfed together since…Aneca. That had been over five years ago. It was time to do something about that.

Part Eight

Kensi and Deeks arrived at the mission around 9:00 and Marty felt no urge to go inside. He only went in because Kensi needed him. He wanted to avoid G today but that wasn't going to happen.

Sam stopped Deeks short of the bullpen and pulled him into the computer room. "What happened yesterday?"

Marty didn't want to discuss yesterday again, especially with Sam. He already had lectured Deeks on becoming too close to the person you were protecting and no, it wasn't Stockholm syndrome in reverse. He helped a friend and getting that involved is a lesson he learned a long time ago. The situation with Sara wasn't like that. Besides whatever Sam knows Callen is sure to know soon. "Sam, it's OK! I felt moody yesterday. I'm fine now."

Sam looked annoyed but he also looked concerned at the same time. "Marty, if you need some help, talk to us, maybe we can help you."

Marty looked towards the bullpen. He could see Kensi, looking back at them and Callen working on paper work for yesterday's case. "I am fine now. I came in in a lousy mood yesterday. See I am great today, maybe greater than great. I'm fine." He tried to be as emphatic as he could without going over the top.

Sam, in one of his bull-headed moods today, tried to convey to Deeks his worry for him. He worried about the mood swings. "Deeks, you blew up on Callen yesterday. Why? Yes, we have differences of opinion, but we talk it out. Yesterday, not a difference of opinion: that seemed personal. What's going on?" Deeks gave no reply. Sam also needed to push as far as Deeks would let him, to get the truth. "Listen Deeks, we work together as a close-knit group. We depend on each other to keep the group safe. Any dissension could put us all in harm's way."

Marty's cheek twitched and he started moving away. "It does not involve you Sam. Please stay out of my business." He then went to see Hetty.

Sam walked back to his desk. Callen looked up and Sam shook his head no.

Callen then turned to Kensi. "Did you get anything out of him last night?"

Kensi looked up at G and shook her head no. "He went for a really long walk on the beach last night with Monty and came home and went to bed. Not much talking."

Callen then realized he would have to take matters into his own hands.

Part Nine

Angered by the team's intrusion into his privacy Marty walked into Hetty's office. He stood over her with anger emanating from him. "Can we talk?"

Hetty, shocked by his question, nodded her consent. She noticed the anger in his stance and the glare that he used on her. "Have a seat Mr. Deeks."

Marty looked around and sniffed. "Not here: somewhere more private." He hesitated before adding the rest of his thought. "The walls have ears."

Hetty, still surprised by the request, nodded again, wrote down an address and passed it across the desk to Deeks. "Mr. Deeks, a half an hour from now?"

Marty nodded and left.

Hetty watched him go with a perplexed look on her face. She wondered about what he would say, but she thought that she already knew and it wasn't going to be a pleasant conversation if it was.

Part Ten

Callen looked up just as Deeks walked out the front door of the Mission. He rose and strode into Hetty's office and stood over her desk. "Did you just send Deeks out?"

Hetty's gaze rose to his face. "Yes, Mr. Callen, I did. Why do you want to know?"

Callen sat across from her and eyed her with suspicion. "Deeks went off on me yesterday and we want to know why. Sam questioned him about it this morning and now this. Is there something I should know?"

Hetty looked at the bullpen and then back at Callen. "Not at this time Mr. Callen. If Mr. Deeks wants you to know, he'll tell you."

He had noticed that she looked at Kensi and then back to him. "Are there problems with Kensi and Deeks?"

Hetty looked at her watch and then back at Callen. "Not to my knowledge. Again, if Mr. Deeks wants you to know something he will tell you: only he can do it."

Callen's suspicions went on high alert then. "You do know what is going on then? If so, we as a group need to know, we are that close to each other. It's a safety issue. Don't keep it from me."

Hetty felt for him but it was not her place to tell him. Mr. Deeks would never forgive her for that and she only had a suspicion, nothing more. "Mr. Callen, if I knew, I still couldn't say anything." She watched his face and felt the anger from another of her team. "I have an appointment I need to get to. Keep me apprised of the situation." She rose from her seat, grabbed her purse from the hook and went out the front door.

Callen watched her leave as she got up and left her office, but couldn't shake the impression that whatever it was, the issue involved him deeply.

Part Eleven

Deeks waited for Hetty in the little bar that he signed papers to become a member of the team. There were moments when he regretted it. Working with the team had its good points and some not so good points. It made him happy that all the members of the team were like a family to him and that he had met and married his soul mate, Kensi. The woman he waited for though, she'd become a problem. He had thought that her stand down in Washington had straightened that out, but apparently not.

He seated himself in a booth in the back of the bar where he could watch both the front door and the kitchen door. He remembered hearing that Callen had followed Hetty here, when they had first met here years ago. The bar had the ambience for undercover: dark and sleezy. Many of the undercover cops from LAPD hung out here. Marty ordered a pot of coffee along with a pot of tea to be brought when Hetty arrived.

After fifteen minutes Hetty walked through the door and came to the back booth. The bartender brought their libations to the table. "Well Mr. Deeks, what are we discussing today?"

Deeks looked at the bar and then back to Hetty. "I want to talk about how you play with people's lives. You put Kensi and me together several years ago. We fought our feelings for a very long time. Before Siderov we started moving forward. I get tortured and I'm out for four months. We start over again and when we finally start a serious relationship you ship her out to Afghanistan. The team goes and brings her home and we are doing fine. You drop Paul Angelo and his damn raccoon theory into the mix and we're back apart again. I love her, that's why I married her. We get married and are together four months and you send her and Callen to Afghanistan, again. They're gone for a year and a half and at the ten month mark Vance wants to declare them dead. Since that time you pushed Sara and I together. Why?

Hetty took a sip of tea and took her time answering Marty's question. "Mr. Deeks, It was never my intention to push you in any direction. Afghanistan the first time, was never meant as a punishment. Kensi was the person that I trusted with Jack Simon's life. I probably should have handled it another way, but I didn't. I'm very happy that you and Kensi are together. You're both very good for each other. The idea that I pushed you and Mrs. Callen together is all yours. You and Mr. Callen chose to protect each other's spouses."

Deeks began to feel frustrated. "You are the puppeteer of this little band. Do the others know how much you dabble in their lives?

Hetty looked up at him.

Deeks looked away again but he turned back to her and smiled at her. "I thought not. Because of your interference my marriage is in danger. I love Kensi, but I also have feelings for Sara and her children. Because of you I may lose the friendship of a man that I respect and admire. These feelings are making it difficult to work with Callen." He looked away again. "How do I fix this?"

Hetty looked at her teacup and poured more tea into it. Since she takes it straight it didn't take long to get back on course with the conversation. "Mr. Deeks, honestly, I don't know how to fix this. You may have to talk with Sara or Mr. Callen."

Deeks nodded his head in acceptance. He was going to have to talk to Callen or Sara. He finished the last sip of his coffee and walked out on his boss.

Part Twelve

Deeks left the bar and walked down the block to his car. He didn't want to go back to the mission yet. Kens didn't need to see him this way and neither did G. His own behavior over the last few days had made him uncomfortable. He had no way to control these feelings. He was confused and needed to talk to someone soon. Maybe he'd call Nate. Where in the world is he? That's right, its need to know. Damn. Marty took his cell phone out and dialed a number: a number he knew by heart. The phone rang for about five rings. Sara picked up and in the background he could hear Jarrett and Kendyl playing. It brought a lump to his throat so he hesitated a second before speaking. "Sara, it's Marty. Could I come by? I need to talk to you."

Sara was always happy to hear from Deeks but she hadn't heard from him in months. "Sure Marty, come on by. I'll be here all day. What's up?" Sara noted the tone of his voice and it seemed depressed, not his usual upbeat sound."

"I'll be there in a half hour or so. Talk to you then." He hung up hoping that he would have the nerve to tell her what had gone on the last two days and hopefully she would help him put his emotions in perspective.

Part Thirteen

Callen had just finished at a dentist appointment with Gretchen. He had picked her up at school, took her to the dentist and then to lunch. He was dropping her off at home when he saw Deeks car pull away and turn the corner. He didn't know what to think so he went in with Gretchen. G and his daughter walked through the back door as Sara brought mugs to the kitchen. "Was that Deeks I saw leaving?"

Sara looked up at him and away. The conversation between her and Marty had been a long time coming but she had known that it would eventually come. The confusion that they both felt five months ago had made him make a move that he normally wouldn't have. Sara had hoped he had just moved past those feelings after all it had really been more about the children than her, or so she had thought. Now she had to deal with Callen's emotions as well. "He wanted to talk about when you and Kensi were deployed. He missed the kids." Callen wasn't buying it. There had to be more to this or else why would he have exploded at work? "What did he want to talk about?"

Sara put the mugs into the dishwasher and shrugged. Hopefully G would understand. "Hetty for one: he feels that she led us down a certain path when she thought that you were both dead and secondly, his own feelings."

Callen turned to face her. His expression was one of surprise. "What feelings? Feeling for who, you? That would explain the explosion at the office."

Sara looked embarrassed. "G, when we thought you were dead, Hetty pushed us together more than your expectations of him. We have a great friendship but being thrown together all the time, well that lead him to other feelings. He loves Kensi and would do nothing to hurt her, you or me. He was really enjoying the kids. The situation led us to difficulties with boundaries and emotions. I never fell in line with Hetty's plans. I like him as a friend: a friend who I miss. I haven't seen him in months. He's been having a hard time with his feelings."

Callen wondered about Deeks ability to get back to a working relationship. "Where does Kens fit into this? Does she even know about this?

"That, my love, is the best part. He loves her more than anything. He's going to talk to her now. I think he wants kids and they'll have to talk about that. He just wants what we have, a family." Sara gave into some wishful thinking for Marty.

G let out a sigh of relief. He still wanted to talk with Deeks. "I'm going back to the office and see if Deeks and I can talk. If not now maybe we can arrange to meet at the beach and really feel free to talk.

Part Fourteen

Deeks drove back to the mission and when he walked in he smiled at his wife. There was the sense that maybe the crisis in his life was past or he was at peace with whatever had been bothering him. He leaned down as he walked past and whispered in her ear. "We'll talk at home tonight but I am OK now." Kensi smiled and nodded back. She felt happiness emanating from him. Sam even caught that Deeks felt more positive about whatever had bothered him.

Callen walked through the door just as the group roared with laughter. Deeks was obviously acting up again and that was a good thing. Even Eric and Nell had escaped from OPS to witness. Nell was smiling at him as he came around the corner. Callen's and Deek's eyes met and Deeks nodded, excused himself and left to go to the armory.

G walked in five minutes later carrying two cups of coffee. He placed one in front of Deeks.

Marty had been examining Hetty's antique weapon collection' He looked up when G came in and gave a weak grin. "G, I'm sorry man, I crossed the line." He looked ashamed of himself.

Callen, while he could have been angry with Marty, felt surprise and at the same time relief. He could have lost everything in the last two years, his wife, children and his life. Instead, he has his life, his family, and a friend that cared enough for his family to put his own at risk. He had a great deal of respect for Marty. He knew how easy it is be to be confused in life. "Deeks, I left you in charge of my family and you did that job and did it well. I don't remember thanking you for that. Thank you!" Callen looked Deeks in the eye. "Hetty, well she can be a force to be reckoned with. Sometimes we have to say yes and do what we have to. She doesn't like it but…" He shrugged. "I also understand the feelings that come into play. To do our job we sometimes have to deal with reality bleeding into our make believe world. Sometimes they combine and we have to work it out. I think it happened like that for you. When Hetty and Vance told you that Kensi and I were dead your instincts were to protect my family and yourself. I'm sorry that caused you pain then and now." He offered Deeks his hand which Deeks took. "Sara and I talked. You are still my brother and welcome at our home anytime. Don't be a stranger." He walked away laughing. Deeks began chuckling and following him back to the bullpen. Callen smirked and turned to look over his shoulder at Deeks. "Just don't let me catch you kissing my wife again!"