randome jokes, a misc. books fanfic

This is a warning!
Never force children to pray...

At dinner, a little boy was ordered to lead in prayer by his father.

BOY: But I don't know how to pray.
DAD: Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbours, the poor, etc

BOY: "Dear Lord," he started
Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cake and ice cream.
Bless them so they won't come again!

Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed yesterday.
This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy's blackberry mobile phone,
and provide shelter to the homeless men who use mom's room when daddy is at work.. AMEN

That evening Mom and Dad did not have dinner…

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.
He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself.
He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in.
"Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway.
Now, if only I could find my parakeet."

A man is trying to choose a wife from three women. He gives each $5,000, and tells her to spend it the way she chooses.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..
Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

A woman in my office recently divorced after years of marriage, had signed up for a refresher CPR course.

"Is it hard to learn?" someone asked.

"Not at all," my co-worker replied.
"Basically you're asked to breathe life into a dummy. I don't expect to have any problem. I did that for 12 years."

One day Steve's mother was cleaning his room.
In the closet, she found a bondage S & M magazine.

This was highly upsetting to her.
She hid the magazine until his father got home.

When Steve's father walked in the door, she irately handed the magazine to him, and said, "THIS is what I found in your son's closet."
He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.

After an uncomfortable minute of silence she finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well I DON'T think we should spank him."

A woman out shopping with her husband spots a pair of boots she loves.
The husband says: "No chance love, they're way too expensive".

Later on in bed, the wife is just falling asleep when the husband tries his luck
and places his hand on her hip.

She turns to him and says. "I don't think so, pal...
If you're not prepared to shoe the horse then you sure as hell aren't riding it!"

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral, a voice from inside screams:
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead! Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters:
"Too late pal, the paperwork's already done"

A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
"All right children, let's take another example," she said.
"If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?"

Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile he blurts out, "You'd be his wife!"

A wealthy, miserly man told his wife firmly..
"I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,
'Wait just a moment!'
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, 'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian;
I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!'
'I sure did,' said the wife.
'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a cheque...
If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'

A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.

"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully - -
"Thank God we can all still drive."

While creating women, God made a promise to men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.

And then He smiled and made the earth round!

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.
Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it!

Staring at an empty cage, a zoo visitor asks,
"Where are all the monkeys?"
"It's mating season," the keeper replies. "They're inside."
"Do you think they'd come out for peanuts?"
"Probably not," answers the keeper.
"Why not?" persists the visitor.
"Would you?"

A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.
It was addressed, 'Mum'
With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

'Dear, Mum.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Nicholas.

"P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk"
I love you!
Call when it is safe for me to come home.