It was a chilly Saturday night and Levi was home alone all snuggled up in his Snuggie that his ex-girlfriend bought him that was an XL (haha get it because shes fat) and he was wearing his ex girlfriends pajamas that smelled like her 99c perfume, watching Say Yes To The Dress reruns, specifically the episode where Lori said she had cancer, and all of a sudden he felt empty inside seeing all the other people being engaged. He needed someone to be there with him, a warm father figure. He could only think of one person, and that person was Mr. Ral.
"Levi Ral" he said outloud.
"Levi Ral, Levi Ral, Levi Ral" he repeated as he tried to get used to the sound of the name.
"I'm just gonna do it, I'm not gonna be a pussy anymore!" he whispered so the rest of the football team wouldn't hear him even tho they were all in the welfare house across the street. He grabbed his all black LG G4 that had a Nightwing phone case that had the lock screen of his ex-girlfriends nudes.
"Damn, I love seeing that I open my phone, even though she said she sent it on accident" he said as he licked his lips ever so *slurp* precisely.
Levi unlocked the phone which revealed him home screen which was the little boy that lived next door when he was playing street hockey, and he dialed the phone number that he overheard Mr Ral giving to his daughter.
"911-420-6969" he said out loud as he was anxiously dialling each number with such care and precision. He paced across the room while he was hearing the phone ring.
"Hello?" he heard a soft, shy, comforting voice from the other side
"Hi, um, who is this?" he replied, thinking he got the wrong number
"Um.. it's Petra... Ral... Who is this?" she hesitated
"It's not important who I am, I just want to know the prices of the vegetables from Mr. Rals gracias store" he said as he was stumbling over his words
"Oh um this isn't the phone number to the grocery store... I'm not sure how you got this phone number to begin with"
"Well I found it in the phone book that I have and..." he was saying
"Who even uses a phone book anymore?" she interrupted
"I do, what do you mean, m-me I look b-bad tho" he stuttered
"Well I mean do you want me to pass the phone to my father for him to tell you the prices of the vegetables?" she stated
"Yes please that would be great if you could do that for me" he said as his face lit up with joy
"Alright give me a second" she said as she ran to her father to pass him the phone
"Ral's Hot Veggies, Ral speaking, how may I help you on this fine day" said a familiar voice
"HI MR RAL I WAS JUST WONDERING IF YOU COULD COME TO MY HOUSE AND GIVE ME TIPS ON HOW TO PREPARE MY VEGETABLES" Levi screamed
"Oh calm down there young bucko, just because I'm old doesn't mean I'm deaf there haha" said Mr Ral in a joking tone
"WELL I MEAN IF YOU COULD COME OVER BECAUSE I NEED VEGETABLES FOR MY FAMILY BBQ ALSO I HEARD YOU'RE GOOD AT BBQING SO PLEASE HELP ME SIR I WOULD LOVE FOR YOU TO BRING YOUR HOT DOGS THEY BRING MY FAMILY TOGETHER" he continued
"But you don't have a family.." Mr Ral said
"Um but I actually have 5 kids with my ex-girlfriend she gave me custody of all of them because her dad didn't know about them" Levi shot back
"Oh what was your ex-girlfriends name?" Mr Ral inquired
"Petra... Ra- oh shit. Um sorry to bother you sir please still come over I need assistance my address is 92 Bond Huber Way" Levi said and quickly hung up the phone
"Oh man I think my fellow football player friends heard me on the phone I better pretend to go to asleep" he said as he fell to the ground pretending to be asleep
*Door knob shakes and he hears a loud knock at the door*
"Hello"
*silence*
"This is Mr Ral"
Levi jumps up from his fake coma and runs to the door and slips on his Coke that he's been drinking to keep up with the Mr Ral diet.
*Levi opens the door quickly, almost hitting himself in the face with the door*
"Hello sir, I see you brought your finest vegetables with you, and your even finer face haha" Levi giggled
"Nice to meet you young chap, but I have a question before we do anything" Mr Ral said
"Yes sir, ask anything" Levi said
Mr Ral leaned in, Levi went red, and Mr Ral sniffed Levi's hair.
"Is that breast milk in your hair little man?" Mr Ral asked
"Sorry I haven't showered, they turned off my hot water since I haven't payed a single tax since 2013, anD WHAT GIVES YOU THE AUDACITY TO CALL ME LITTLE MAN, OLD MAN?" Levi snapped
"Because there's a painting on your wall that says Happy Birthday Little Man, and also because there are turkey handprint drawings hung up on your fridge" Mr Ral responded
"Oh yeah um my uncle gave me that this year for my birthday.. Ignore that he's a cooky old man that escaped from rehab 5 times in a month, I guess they just can't seem to keep him in haha" Levi laughed
"Um so anyways, you said you needed help with the BBQ?" Mr Ral Asked
Levi escorted Mr Ral to the backyard, where the deck was covered in 12 inches of snow. Levi looked at Mr Ral and said
"Hey this snow is 12 inches thick huh.. I bet you wanna know what else is 12 inches" Levi said
"Um.. I think the length of your leg is probably 12 inches" Mr Ral said
"UM NO HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT I'M VERY AVERAGE FOR MY AGE I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW MINIONS ARE 3.5 FEET TALL ON AVERAGE AND I AM 5'2 SO I AM TALLER THAN A MINION AND MINIONS HAVE STABLES CAREERS SO I SHOULD BE ABLE TO HAVE A STABLE CAREER TOO, OK?" Levi snapped
Levi opened the screen door to his backyard which was torn in multiple spots from a coyote attack and he led Mr Ral out to the BBQ, which was also covered in snow. Mr Ral opened up the BBQ that appeared to look like it was bought from the Dollar Store, it still even had the tag on it that said $1.50.
"Nice barbecue here son, I bet you manage to grill up a couple mean hot dogs every once in a while" he lied and he tried to pass off his lie by patting Levi on the back and complimenting his white New Balance shoes that had grass stains on them from mowing the lawn.
"Yeah I mean haha sometimes I grill this one really good tomato, it always comes out a little bit chewy but that doesn't mat-" Levi was cut off
"GRANDPA GRANDPA YOU FINALLY CAME BACK HOME!" they heard a high pitched voice scream.
They both whipped around
"GRANDPA I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO LEAVE ME IN THE BOX DOWN THE ROAD, BUT I GUESS I FOUND YOU" the 3 year old said as he was licking the doo doo off his shirt while a booger slid out of his nose and into his mouth
"MMM YUMMY SNACK, IT'S LIKE THE ONE THEY FEED ME AT CHURCH CAMP"
Levi gagged and threw up on Albert
"MMM EVEN YUMMIER SNACK GRANDPA, DID YOU HAVE PORRIDGE TODAY MMMMM" Albert yelled
"No I haven't eaten porridge in 15 years" Levi said
"oH WELL THATS THE ONLY THING THAT I KNOW WHAT IT TASTES LIKE YUMMY YUMMY PORRIDGE IN MY TUM TUM YIM YUM PORRIDGE" Albert continued screaming
"Well..." Mr Ral said
"Should we continue looking at this bad mamma jamma of a grill over here sonny boy?" Mr Ral asked as he opened the grill
"I-is this a rubber duck, Levi?" he asked
"I mean yeah maybe, it just looked really good and I mean it looked pretty believable like it some real duck or something, right?" Levi asked
"No Levi, it's bright yellow" Mr Ral said
"Well it tastes pretty good so succ pp 29 haha ligma" Levi said