Harry Potter and the Endless Cliché
Hermione sighed as she sat in the Gryffindor Common Room of Hogwarts doing homework, her one true passion and hobby. After the war, Voldemort and all the Death Eaters had been apprehended or killed and nobody had perished or received any injuries on the good side. The war had come and gone before the trio's seventh year. Harry, Ron, and Hermione had led the army and had done very well, despite their very young age and supreme lack of magic ability. I still wonder how we did it without even being helped very much by the Order, she thought, a bit confused about the premise of the story. Oh well, this tends to happen in most of these stories anyway. Plot always seems to take a backseat to romance.
But speaking of romance, Hermione sure had a lot on her mind. After the war had ended, she had gotten a sexy makeover, traveled to America, and had gotten together with Ron. Harry had gotten back together with Ginny as well. At first, Hermione felt that Ron was a bit too awkward for her. However, she had looked past his stupidity, bad physique, ugliness, horrible kissing ability, and lack of knowledge about women, and she'd fallen madly in love with the gawky red-head. Fluff ensued, and soon, they were more lovey-dovey than Harry and Ginny had been after the war. Quite the accomplishment, thought Hermione, remembering how the Burrow almost exploded with all of the fireside snuggles and sweet country walks the two couples had experienced while saying how much they loved each other.
But now, Hermione was getting slightly bored with her relationship. Well it has been about five months, she thought. No real celebrity relationship lasts much longer. But the confusing part was that she had fallen madly in love with Draco Malfoy.
Draco had been nothing but mean to Hermione in the seven years that she had known him. He called her a Mudblood at least eight times during each year at Hogwarts. He'd made snide remarks and gone out of the way to make her life a living hell. He had attempted to kill Professor Dumbledore and had run off with the man that did. He'd even released some scandalous photos of her to the Daily Prophet.
"So why the hell have I become madly in love with him?" asked Hermione. At first, it seemed quite confusing that she would be speaking into midair. Then, it became clear that she was addressing the third-person narrator who had developed this extremely unheard of plot. "Me loving Draco?!? Who could have thought of such a weirdly original thing that I've never heard before?" Again, no answer. Hermione stared menacingly at the narrator, who just shrugged. Looks like plot's taking the backseat again, she thought, leaving the Common Room to take a walk where she'll probably walk headfirst into Malfoy himself.
Sure enough, while innocently patrolling the fourth floor doing nothing in particular, Hermione bumped right into Draco. She noticed how rock-hard his abs were, and wondered whether the physical attraction would be enough to get her through this sexual tension-filled scene with her arch nemesis.
"Well, if it isn't the Mudblood," said Draco with his usual sneer. Hermione was about to pull out her wand and transfigure him into something, but then she remembered that she was supposed to be madly in love with him.
"Oh, Draco, can we please set aside our differences?" she demurely asked. Surely, he would stare off into space with his "deep silver eyes" for a moment before staring at her lovingly. Then, they would begin their happy fluff-filled life together in a small cottage in the middle of nowhere devoid of all magic.
"Fat chance, bushy-haired bitch."
Oh, crap, thought Hermione. He's just too in-character for me to make a dent on him. And, even worse, I'll have to fill out all of this goddamn paperwork once some mother starts suing the author for using a swear word in a "children's" story. However, Hermione just shook it off and tried a different approach.
"Ooh, Draco," murmured Hermione in a low sexy voice that she'd never used in her life, "How'd you like to have some fun with me in a broom closet?"
"Okay, I'm leaving now," said Draco, fed up with Hermione's out-of-character attempts to establish some love affair. He went back to his dormitory to go to sleep. However, every single reader knows through dramatic irony that Draco can't sleep and he's actually tossing and turning all night because he's secretly madly in love with Hermione. What a shocker!
However, Hermione didn't know this, so she just started sobbing and made her way back to the Gryffindor Common Room. When Ron saw her and tried to kiss her, she backed away and hurried up to her dorm.
"What's wrong with her?" asked Ron.
"I don't know," replied Harry. "Maybe she realized that you're ugly, stupid, and don't understand anything about women. Or maybe she's fallen in love with Draco Malfoy. Or Professor Lupin. I dunno."
"Hmph," said Ron, unwilling to deal with Hermione. He sulked away as well, leaving Harry and Ginny to profess their love until they fell asleep in each other's arms by the fire.
Little did anyone know that Hermione had given up sobbing and had started scheming. She realized that she would need some serious inspiration to make her and Malfoy work. Therefore, she decided to travel back to the era of the Marauders, for no apparent reason. Well, I do this in a lot of stories, right? Maybe it'll turn out for the better. So, Hermione pulled a time-turner out of nowhere and headed into the past.
She hit the ground in the seventh-years girl's dorm. All four girls in the room screamed when she arrived, but she assured them that she meant no harm. She explained her mission to learn about love/hate relationships of the past to apply to the present. All four girls in the dormitory were extremely surprised how legitimate the plot had become in the story, though they were a bit confused about how to help Hermione. One girl spoke up.
"Ooh, Lily! Maybe you should talk about your love/hate relationship with Jamesss!" All the girls oohed and aahed at Lily Evans.
"Oh, be quiet, miscellaneous female friends!" Lily giggled to herself. "I just hate James Potter. There's absolutely no love. He's mean, uncaring, and spends all his time pretending to be some beast with his three friends."
"Well," said Hermione, "You're actually going to end up marrying him."
"Really?!?" Lily seemed appalled and suddenly James came up to the dorm.
"Wait, how'd you get up here?" asked Hermione. James shushed her and reminded her that plot didn't really matter. He then turned to Lily.
"Oh Miss Evans, ever since I became Head Boy to your Head Girl, I've wanted to be with you for the rest of your life. I'm in love with you, Lily!"
Lily shrugged. "Whatever, I guess I can be madly in love with you as well." She smiled and the two left. Hermione shrugged, but assumed that this happened often. Wait, she thought to herself, how come Draco won't act like that? Hermione cursed to herself and turned back to Lily's miscellaneous friends. She found out their names (Marianna Annabel Taylor, Sage Chelsea Gregory, and Rachel Sasha Parker), but soon forgot them, as they were very dull and American.
"Well, if you want to learn about love, Hermione," said Sophie (Lauren?), "You should talk to Sirius Black." She moaned with lust.
"Oh, yes, he's so dashingly handsome," added Sarah (Diana?), who sighed to herself like some little child.
"Oh, yes. He just has that aura," replied the first one (Jennifer?). Hermione then turned to the third, timid girl and asked what she thought.
"Well," muttered Tessa (Katie?), "I sure think that Peter Pettigrew is one hot piece of…"
"STOP!" screamed Hermione. "That is just TOO un-canon. Everyone knows that Peter's supposed to be an ugly loner with no friends except for James, Remus, and Sirius who only like him because…" She paused. "Why do they like him?"
The bland girls thought for a moment, until one (Melissa?) came to a startling conclusion. "It's because there had to be someone secretly evil among them, otherwise everything would be perfect!"
"Well," replied Hermione, "everything in this fic is perfect."
"Oh yeah," replied Dora (Ashley?).
"Hm, well thanks for the inspiration, but I guess I'll head back to the present," said Hermione, about to grab her time turner.
"Wait! Wait!" yelled Nicole (Michelle?). "You have to fall in love with Remus Lupin first! After all, you both love books and studying and, unlike in the movie, he's actually pretty attractive."
"Really?" Hermione was intrigued. She walked downstairs and spotted a sandy-haired boy sitting on a couch by the fire, the same couch where Harry and Ginny were probably professing their love/doing other fluffy things in the present day. She knew he was Remus Lupin, as she could tell by how much more attractive he was than the guy in the movie. Hermione approached him and he gave her a curious stare that she found very cute.
"You're Professor—er…Remus, right?" she asked.
"Well I don't know about the professor part, but sure. Who are you?"
"I'm…um…" Hermione decided to make a quick white lie, and made up some OC character off the top of her head. "I'm Olivia Elizabeth Kristin Alexandra Rainbows Kittens Darkrose Johnson and…uh…I'm a foreign exchange student in Slytherin but I'm actually really nice and really beautiful and you fall in love with me?" She gave an awkward smile, knowing deep down that he'd surly believe that very convincing story.
"Oh, okay," he said matter-of-faculty. He paused and gave her that curious stare again. "Wait, but if you're in Slytherin, why are you in our common room?"
"That's not the point! Besides, canon Hogwarts stuff means nothing in these fics. Anyway, I just think…that we should fall in love, okay?" Hermione shrugged, trying to forget that in real life, he was actually like 40. She wondered if this story would need to be pegged with a student-teacher romance warning.
"Well, I'm sorry Olivia," said Remus, "But I love studying too much to fall in love with you. And I'm secretly gay…and having an affair with Sirius."
"Damn it!" Hermione slipped the curse and didn't even care what kind of ratings this story would need. She was already 0 for 2, and the story wasn't even 2000 words yet! She stomped back to the girls' dormitory and, without a word, grabbed the time turner and made her way back to the present. After she got back to her dormitory, she threw her time turner back into the middle of nowhere (where it came from…) and fell back onto her bed sobbing. I sure cry a lot in these stories, don't I, she thought through her tears.
However, as much as she cried, she could not sleep. She decided to make another stroll around the castle. Once she reached the second floor, though, she realized something.
Isn't Draco the kind of angsty character who would make nighttime walks? Yes! I'm sure of it! Just as she wondered when he would appear, she heard a noise from behind a statue. Knowing exactly who it would be, she approached, and saw Draco Malfoy…crying!
ZOMG! DRACO CRYING?!? Hermione just couldn't believe it! Her heart began to swell, as she loved a boy who could be sensitive. But, upon realizing that he'd reject her love again, she began to cry as well (for the third time!)
Draco heard her, and looked up with those beautiful silver eyes that seemed to pierce her heart and see all of her secrets…like how she loved Draco. He stood up and took her hands, and she gasped.
"I owe you an apology," he whispered sweetly.
An apology? Draco apologizing? Hermione wondered how much more non-canon this would turn out.
"Before, when I rejected you, I was only repressing my true feelings. See, even though I'm rich and gorgeous, I was a sad, lonely child. My Daddy hit me with his pimp cane…and it hurt so much. I would cry in my room all the time…or at least whenever I got a cowlick. I was alone for so long that I wasn't used to expressing myself. That's why I've been crying, because I thought I'd lost you…the most important thing ever!"
ZOMFGx10000, thought Hermione.
"I love you so much…and always have. You're kind and smart and beautiful and sweet and I love you so dearly with all of my heart. I've only covered it up because my evil yet more-beautiful-than-you father forced me to. Oh, Hermione, please accept my heart and love forever and ever until we die together…I love you I love you I love you-"
"Okay, shut up! This is almost too much fluff for one of these stories!" Hermione sighed, but smiled at him. They took hands and kissed their loneliness away and then they skipped through fields with flowers and rainbows until they fell even more in love and they died together in each others arms when they got old.