Greetings from Australia. Starting a new chapter of my life and with it, a new story. I'm all about speaking your mind so whether it's positive or negative, feel free to express your opinions about this. Love to you all...
Chapter 1 - Awakening
We saved them. We had saved our people. We defeated Mount Weather. Then why did I feel so empty? I knew why, of course I knew why.
"…you don't have to do this alone" Bellamy said, in a last attempt to get me to stay. Looking back, maybe things would have been easier if I had, but I don't regret leaving.
"I bare it so they don't have to." I replied, feeling the lump forming in my throat. I wouldn't cry though. This was what I needed.
"Where you gonna go?" he asked and I knew I couldn't give him an answer that would make either of us feel better about my decision because, honestly, I had no idea.
"I don't know." Was all I could manage to say; anything else would've been a lie. He looked so sad, so defeated and lost. He was almost like my brother to me now and that just made it that much harder. I leant in and kissed his cheek, saying a silent goodbye because I couldn't muster the word, and wrapped my arms around him. It wasn't just him I was leaving behind, it was everyone and so I hugged him tight, picturing everyone I wished I could say goodbye to. I struggled through the profound ache in my heart and whispered "may we meet again" before I couldn't take it anymore. I walked away and made sure I didn't look back.
Wake up. Wake up. I kept repeating it over and over, like a metronome systematically ticking in my head. Wake up. Wake up. But I couldn't manage to open my eyes. It felt like a state of paralysis. I felt the need to wake but was physically incapable of doing so. Something bad must have happened; Had I fallen? Was I attacked? Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. The panic started to set in and I could feel my breathing become labored. My chest hurt and my palms began to sweat.
The images started to flood my mind; people dying, drenched in blood and horrible sores, burns bubbling on their skin like melting plastic. I wanted to help them, so badly, but I was stuck in this paralysis, unable to move or speak, unable to save them. There screams echoed in my head like some torturous song, on repeat and I started to realize they were not just my dreams, but my memories.
Wake up.
Finally, I managed to pry my eyes open but instantly regretted it. The sun was harsh and in prime position. It must have been close to midday. Where the hell am I? I thought. I couldn't remember how I got there, but that was wasn't unusual. After a while all the different parts of the forest started to blend together in a sea of greens and browns. Being on the ground was supposed to be bliss, but being on the ground alone, was turning into repetitive insanity.
The trees were tall, so much so that I had to squint to see where they ended. The moss was thick on the ground beneath me and I was at least relived that the spongy surface helped the discomfort of my aching back. I attempted to sit up but my stomach muscles screamed in protest, aching from being overworked and under-nourished for the past…it had to have been about a month since I left.
With the help of the nearby tree I managed to pull myself into a sitting position but at the same time, knocked my thigh into a protruding tree root. A sharp pain shot up my entire leg and an uncontrollable shriek left my lips. I looked down and saw two gashes sliced through pants and into my left thigh. I must've had the sense to apply pressure to it before I passed out because the blood had clotted slightly on the surface so it wasn't bleeding much.
I tried to recall the previous day and how this happened. My brain was foggy and I felt woozy, no doubt from the blood loss but it slowly started to come back. It started out the same as any other day; waking up, foraging for food, nothing out of the ordinary. After a good few hours of wandering around the forest, I decided to make camp near what I thought was an old building collapsed into rubble, but it turned out to be the home particularly hostile cougar. I wasn't sure how I got away from it but I guessed something must have gotten it before it could get me, well mostly. I remembered running through the forest, the animal right behind me, as I sprinted to the heavy foliage, hoping to either lose it or hide from it, but before I reached the shrubs, a high-pitched roar of pain caught my ears before there was nothing but silence. I stayed there for a good hour before deciding it was safe and moved on. Once I was sure I had put a good distance between myself and the animal I collapsed.
I sighed, happy to at least understand my ailments, and rested my back against the large tree. I was so exhausted. Sleep doesn't come easy to me anymore. Not only because of the hazardous environment that's now home, but because of the dreams, and the rage and the emotions. Nothing is simple anymore, nothing is easy, nothing is safe
For the last month, I had been trying to avoid my sadness towards what I had done to those people in the mountain, tried to avoid my guilt over leaving my people, and the anger, the hatred and, above all betrayal I felt towards Lexa. Not only that but I felt abandoned, unwanted, used. A lot of the time I just felt like hitting someone and I knew If I were to ever see her again, that's exactly what I'd do, or worse. The thought of killing her had crossed my mind, a couple of times, when the pain got too much and the loneliness was so considerable that the hollow feeling in my stomach couldn't be satiated with food or water. But then I'd snap back and hate myself for thinking that. I never wanted to see her again but I figured that if it came down to it, I wouldn't be able to kill her. That just wasn't me. But wasn't that just the point? I wasn't me anymore. Hell, I couldn't even recognize myself, and I found myself wondering if I was actually capable of something like that.
Right then though I couldn't think about any of that, all I could do was move forward. Because if I didn't move forward, then the barriers I had spent so long building, would crack like a dam wall until the eventually the flood poured in and I was left drowning. Alone.
I sighed, knowing it was time to move on, I couldn't stay there. If you stay in one spot too long on the ground, things tend to pick up your scent. I found that out the hard way.
I grabbed tight to the tree and heaved myself up, wincing in pain. Leaning back against the mossy, damp trunk gave me some relief. The day was going to be muggy. Those were the worst, when the heat and moisture clung to my skin and wouldn't let go. When the air became hard to breathe and the animals became even more threatening, over-heated and temperamental. But then nightfall would come and with it, the unbearable cold. It was almost funny how suddenly opposing the weather could become in such a short period of time. That's one of the most dangerous things about the ground, the unpredictability of it all.
After I had wrapped my leg in a piece of cloth, I set off. My footsteps fell heavy on the forest floor, leaving imprints in the moss. East was my goal. Just keep heading east until you find something. I didn't know what I was looking for. Maybe a village, some new people who didn't know me, or care who I was. Who didn't consider my past as what defined me. All I knew was that Polis and Arkadia were in the opposite direction and that was exactly where I didn't want to be.
I continued on for an hour or so before my leg couldn't take it anymore. I had to rest. My pack wasn't heavy but after hours of carrying the weight, it felt like hauling a bag of rocks. I set it down with a huff and grabbed a bottle of water, greedily guzzling it down like it was air, and after finishing the entire bottle, I decided I should probably eat something, but as I reached into my pack I heard it. A stick snapped. It was hard to determine exactly how close but I knew I was definitely not alone. I held my breath and crouched low, trying to remain as silent as possible whilst listening for any other sounds.
For a few moments, there was nothing but the occasional bird chirping. But then it happened again, this time a soft rustle of leaves beneath feet, closer this time and then another but I couldn't see anyone. Whatever it was, was closing in but I couldn't see anything in any direction. How could that be…unless they weren't on the ground.
I looked up just in time to see a figure jump from the trees and slam me to the ground. My head smacked harshly into a protruding tree root and I was instantly dizzy and knew I must be bleeding. I tried feebly to push the person off me but they were far stronger than I was. They trapped me between their thighs and beneath their hands as I struggled to get free.
"Let me go!" I shouted, my voice breaking mid-sentence, hoarse from not speaking for so long.
They quickly pulled out a knife and held it too my throat, trying to make me shut up, I suppose and it was then I realized the figure was a man. I should've known earlier, due to the sheer size of him but it all happened so quickly.
I snapped my mouth shut, silently telling him I would cooperate. He nodded, happy with my submission, before aggressively stabbing the knife into the ground next to my head and pulling out a short rope. "Wanheda will serve the Ice Queen," he hissed as he tied my hands together. I had no idea what he was talking about and I was starting losing consciousness, the blood loss from my head, and surely my leg, was making me feel tired. However, I found a little comfort in knowing he planned on taking me instead killing me right there. I conceded to the darkness that I was falling into, the edges of my vision beginning to blur.
Suddenly a deep crack resonated above me and I felt the pressure on my chest lift. I couldn't understand what was happening and I wanted to sit up and look but I couldn't manage it. I forced my bleary eyes open slightly and a blurry figure loomed large over me. The last thing I remember seeing before I blacked out, was a head of braided, dark hair.
I was panicking, I knew I was, and sweating. I could feel the moisture gathering on my forehead and running down the right side of my face. I had to wake up. Something brush across my face, I could've sworn it did. It was soft, barely there, but I know I felt it. It brought me back to consciousness and few moments later I managed to open my eyes, but the panic didn't stop.
I stared up at a rock wall above me; A cave? I thought. Shadows danced across the jagged interior, generated by the fire crackling beside me, some of them almost resembling figures. I couldn't relax. Each time a flicker of the bright flame created a counterpoint of darkness across the wall, I would jump. I couldn't be alone. Someone must have brought me here.
I sat up, hissing as a sharp pain erupted at the back of my head. Gently, I reached for it feeling the shallow cut and large bump underneath my hair. It wasn't deep but the scalp tends to bleed a lot when cut open, compared to some other parts of the body. Someone must have cleaned it, though because I couldn't feel any dried blood around the area.
I cautiously took in my surroundings, being mindful of any potential threats. Nothing. There was no one there. I thought about leaving right then and there but was afraid whoever it was, was waiting for me outside and I didn't know if they were friend or foe, so I stayed put for the moment.
I took another look around and to my surprise, I noticed a plate of food on my other side; berries, an apple and some cooked meat. I suddenly realized how hungry I was and how long it had been since I had a decent meal. My stomach remembered too and growled loudly. I glanced at the cave entrance once more before I dug in. The berries cracked open in my mouth and the sweet juice was the best thing I had ever tasted. It helped to quench my hunger and thirst at the same time and within seconds they were gone. The meat was next and it was salty and tender, and everything I needed. When I finished the plate, I felt better, fuller, stronger and more awake than I had in days.
I sat the plate down where I'd found it and wiped my hands on my, already filthy pants. A second later I heard footsteps. They were light, but purposeful and definitely belonged to a grounder. My people hadn't learned to be so stealthy yet. I pushed myself back against the far wall of the cave and looked around for something to defend myself with. A piece of rock that had been chipped away from the wall lay next to me which I swiftly snatched up, just as the person stepped around the corner into the light.
All at once every ounce of anger, frustration, guilt, sadness and hatred that I had felt over the past few months came crashing down, as she came into view. She was only slightly startled to see me awake but other than that she looked just as she always did; poised but vigilant, fierce, and as beautiful as ever. There was something else, though, something I'd seen in her before but never to this degree. Remorse I guess would be the best way to describe it and I must admit that it brought me some satisfaction, seeing her like that. She deserved it after what she did to me.
My anger had not subsided and though I was feeling a mixed bag of emotions, at least I could distinguish that one from the rest. Unfortunately for her, that was the emotion that overtook me and there was no stopping it.
I sprung up and ran at her, ignoring the pain in my leg and she wasn't expecting it because despite her years of training I managed to wrap my arms tightly around her waist before tackling her to the solid, rocky ground, the stone falling from my grasp. She grunted as her back contacted the hard surface but I didn't stop. My blind rage was too much and I'd held it in for long enough. I sat up and immediately slapped her in the side of her face with my palm. She gasped in shock and I did it again. The second hit must have caused her brain to catch up because she swiftly grabbed a hold of my wrists and pulled me down and into her before flipping us over. I struggled against her, thrashing beneath her like a cornered animal.
"Clarke." She tried to reason but I could barely hear her over my struggle, "Clarke!" she yelled it close to my face this time, pulling my arms to my chest in between our bodies. "Stop. please." she was begging now and my resolve began to weaken. "I'm sorry," she said it so soft I barely heard it but I did and I finally gave in, going limp beneath her. Then the tears came, rolling down my cheeks in waves, as my chest began to shake with sobs. "I'm so sorry." She said with such earnest that I knew she truly was but it didn't make anything better.
"I hate you." I whispered through my tears. She visibly flinched but didn't look away from me.
"I know. I'm sorry." She said again and I don't know why but it made me feel ten times worse. She pressed her forehead against mine and I could feel her uneven breath against my face. It was too much. "Get off me, Lexa." I hiccupped mid-sentence.
She looked at me in the eyes for a couple of long seconds before she nodded and removed herself from my body. I felt cold, but also relieved to not have her so close. She scooted back against the wall and gave me some space, which I was grateful for, and I sat up as well, glancing at her briefly.
Nothing was said for a long time, many minutes but I wasn't about to give her the satisfaction of speaking to her first.
"I know there are many things you would like to know, and I know how you must fell about me." She spoke, her voice controlled and unwavering as always and I hated that she could remain so poised at a time like this. Clearly the silence gave her the time she needed to get back into her Commander mode.
I looked at her and she was staring back at me, waiting. "How did you find me?" I decided to start with. I had managed to calm down slightly. That didn't mean I didn't want to attack again her but the blind need was no longer there.
"I followed your trail. You are good at many things, but you do not cover your tracks well." She replied and if I wasn't so livid I might have found her honest and completely factual answer amusing. I let the comment slide though in favor of gaining some answers.
"So, why are you here? What do you want?" I guess she didn't like my blatantly obvious aversion to her presence because I noticed the corner of her mouth twitch down, almost in a frown.
"That is a complicated question. I'm not sure you are quite ready for the answer." I rolled my eyes. Her and her damn cryptic answers. I was not in the mood for any of this. The fact that I even allowed her any of my time should have been considered a gift.
"Look, if you're not gonna be straight with me then I'm just going to go, because honestly it feels like we've already spent too much time together." I got up to leave but she grabbed my wrist.
"Clarke, wait." She pleaded. I yanked my hand away and glared harshly at her.
"Don't touch me." I hissed. She held her hands up in surrender and leant back against wall, seemingly unoffended.
"I'm sorry, but I just need you to try and understand, this isn't an easy thing to explain. Honestly, I would prefer to not have to bring you into this but, this is as much to do with you as it is to do with me. You're in danger Clarke." I scoffed, now she's concerned about my safety?
"Why would you even care? It's not like you gave a shit about me a month ago when you abandoned me to your greatest enemy. Why do you care now?"
"Clarke," she pleaded but I'd had enough.
"No, you know what, don't bother. I don't need or want your help. Whatever you think is threatening me, I'll deal what it myself, like I always do." I grabbed my jacket and pack that was laying on the ground and stormed towards the exit.
"Clarke, I can't let you leave." She said and I scoffed.
"Try and stop me." I told her, and before I could get out the entrance I ran straight into a big, burly grounder who loomed over me, armed with a sword. I looked back at her incredulously. Was she seriously going to keep me hostage?
"Like I said, Clarke…we need to talk."