Hera was genuinely surprised when she entered the cockpit in the middle of the night, long after everyone else had already gone to bed, to find Kanan already sitting in his usual spot in the co-pilot's seat, facing straight ahead toward the viewport. Hera had picked up the habit of working on the Ghost instead of sleeping whenever she was upset, or even when her brain was just too busy for her to get any rest. Tonight was one of those times, but she didn't expect the cause of her unrest to be sitting in the solace of her cockpit.
"Hera?" Kanan's voice was soft, but surprisingly calm and...normal. She didn't know how he was maintaining any amount of normalcy, not with all that had happened. She didn't really know how to deal with it or comprehend everything, the new direction their lives had taken.
Kanan and Ezra had returned only earlier that day from Malachor, and the second they stepped off the Phantom, Hera knew their lives were changed forever. Kanan suffered a devastating injury, leaving him blind. Ahsoka was supposedly dead, killed in a duel with Darth Vader. And according to the brief conversations she had with Kanan that morning, Ezra came dangerously close to toying with the Dark Side of the Force.
Hera wasn't going to pretend she knew about the Jedi or the Force like Kanan did, but she knew just by the tone of his voice how dangerous and worrisome Ezra's encounter with the Sith Temple was. Hera felt her breathing hitch in her throat but forced a smile as she sat down next to Kanan in her pilot's seat, putting a gentle hand on his in the seat next to her.
"Couldn't sleep, love?" She asked, and Kanan smirked a little.
"I don't think I'll be sleeping at all for quite a while." He admitted. "You?"
Hera shrugged, and it took her a moment before she realized that he wasn't able to read her body language like they were so used to doing. It hit her all at once that a lot of the comfort she found in his expression, the eye rolls, the shared glances, the little smirks and visual signals that they relied so often on were gone. His eyes were gone.
"Ah," Hera sighed, "You know me, too much to think about to sleep."
Kanan nodded, sighing too. He relaxed against his seat and took Hera's hand in his, gently rubbing his thumb across her slender but strong hand. Hera looked him over and frowned to see his eyebrows furrowed with frustration, his mouth in a tight frown. She squeezed his hand tight, reassuring him that she was there.
"What's on your mind?" Hera asked, knowing how stupid of a question that was. Kanan had more on his mind than Hera could ever help him cope with, especially right now. But she had to try.
Kanan shook his head. "I can't right now, Hera." he said softly, and Hera felt a pang in her heart at how heartbroken he sounded. "Talk to me. I want to hear your voice."
Hera blinked back tears that suddenly filled her eyes, smiling a little, squeezing his hand again.
"What do you want me to say?" She asked, and Kanan shrugged.
"Anything. Everything. Tell me what you're thinking about." He said, "Why you're not sleeping."
"I'm worried." Hera admitted. "About you, about Ezra, about the Rebellion. I...I'm not sure what happens next. Losing Ahsoka is a pretty crucial blow. Vader will inform the Empire that we're weakened. We lost Ahsoka, we lost…" She hesitated, biting her lip.
"Me," Kanan said softly, and Hera shook her head.
"You're still here."
"What good am I to the Rebellion now?" He asked, "Like this?"
"Kanan…"
"Really, Hera. You think the Empire won't find out that the Rebellion doesn't have any Jedi on it's side anymore?"
Hera sighed. "You're still a Jedi, love. And we still have Ezra."
"Ezra…" Kanan sighed, shaking his head. "I don't even know what to do about him."
Hera hesitated again, running a gentle hand up Kanan's arm. "What happened?" She asked, "Tell me. Maybe I can help."
"I don't know how," Kanan said softly, "Ezra has a lot of heart, but that's tough for a Jedi. Your emotions can be easily manipulated, and I think Ezra learned that the hard way."
"You have heart," Hera stated, "You found your way, Ezra will find his too."
"He's young," Kanan said seriously, "Emotional, passionate, and quick to judge and act. He lacks control. And it makes me extremely worried."
Hera sighed and nodded, leaning against Kanan's arm gently.
"We'll watch out for him." She assured him. "Ezra is a smart kid. He loves and trusts you, Kanan. He'll listen to you. You have to keep teaching him."
"How can I, Hera?" Kanan asked softly, "I…" he shook his head, frown clear on his expression.
Hera looked his expression over and gently put a hand on his cheek, turning his face toward her.
"You, Kanan Jarrus, can do anything you put your mind to." She said firmly. Her thumb gently stroked his cheek, and Kanan's tight frown lessened. It returned after a moment more of thought, and Hera looked at him with worry.
"There were other Inquisitors," He told Hera. "Who knows how many the Empire has."
"So we aren't done running from them," Hera added, and Kanan shook his head.
"They'll come after Ezra even more than before." Kanan said. "He...we, have a Sith holocron."
"A Sith…" Hera shook her head. "Kanan!"
"We couldn't let the Empire get a hold of it." Kanan said seriously. "Ezra was drawn to it, he was able to activate it, Hera."
"That doesn't sound good." Hera said quietly. Now that she thought about it, she hadn't seen much of Ezra since he got back, though in her defense she was a little preoccupied with Kanan.
"It's not." Kanan said seriously. "And the Empire was after the same holocron. They know we have it."
Hera didn't say anything and Kanan sighed, reaching a hand out clumsily to find hers.
"I'm so sorry, Hera." he said, "We're endangering everything you've worked so hard for. This base, this Rebellion."
Hera had to think for a moment to find the right words. "It's not your fault," she said quietly, "We knew this base wouldn't be permanent. The Rebellion will always be running from the Empire. Until this war is won, we'll be running. We knew that going into it."
Kanan nodded halfheartedly, turning his head away from her.
"Ahsoka's dead, and it's my fault." Kanan said softly, and Hera's breath caught in her throat.
"How could that possibly have been your fault?" Hera asked, "She made her choice, Kanan. You couldn't have stopped that."
"There's something I could've done," he said firmly, "If I wasn't…" one of Kanan's hands reached toward the bandage on his face.
"Blind." Hera finished for him.
"Blind." Kanan repeated, his voice barely a whisper.
"It's alright, love." Hera said gently, and after a moment, Kanan sat up straighter, turning toward her almost indignantly.
"You feel sorry for me." He stated.
Hera looked surprised. Of course she felt sorry for him. She'd have to be heartless not to feel sorry.
"I don't need your pity, Hera." Kanan almost snapped, and Hera frowned, sitting up, taking her hand off his arm.
"Excuse me?"
"I don't want you to feel sorry for me," Kanan said, his voice losing some of it's confidence. "I…" he sighed. "I know what I am. I know how useless I am now. I don't need you, of all people, to feel sorry for me."
Hera felt like she'd been slapped.
"You aren't useless," she tried to protest, but Kanan grunted in annoyance.
"Hera, come on. What good am I to the Rebellion like this? To the Ghost? To you?"
"Kanan!" Hera snapped, "Stop that." She pushed his shoulder, making her face her.
"You are an irreplaceable part of the Rebellion, and our crew. Our family. How can you think so little of yourself that you'd think that anything would change?"
"Because everything's changed!" Kanan insisted. "I can't fight, Hera. I can't lead missions, I can't do anything that I used to."
"I don't care!" Hera shouted, "You're here, you came home. You stayed alive, that's enough." She took his hands tightly in her own. "We are going to get through this, it'll be hard and it isn't fair, but we will get through this. You will get through this."
Kanan lifted his head in surprise, hearing Hera's thick Rylothian accent bleed through her normal calm and collected tone. He reached his hands over hers to her arms, pulling her into a tight hug. She hugged him back, resting her forehead against his shoulder. He pressed a light kiss to her sensitive lekku, a special action reserved only for him.
"I'm sorry." Kanan said quietly, wrapping his arms around her tight. He gently ran a hand down her back and down her thigh, trying to get an image in his head of how Hera looked. She was probably wearing her usual grey pajama tank and blue pajama pants, and Kanan distantly wondered if she even had any other pajamas. When he'd seen her at night, they often weren't wearing, or thinking about, clothes.
"Don't apologize," Hera said, "We're going to make this work."
"Okay." Kanan said, and Hera noted the sincerity in his tone.
"Thank you for coming home to me, love." Hera told him, one hand playing with his hair, the other on his chest.
"I'll always come home to you. I promise." Between his tight grip on her, never wanting to let go, and his serious words, Hera knew that Kanan meant it. And that was enough.