A/N: Welcome to Doki Doki: Snowfall! Before we begin, I will state the usual: I do not own Doki Doki Literature Club, it is the property of Team Salvato and Dan Salvato.
Also, This chapter contains sensitive material that some readers may find disturbing, please use discretion while reading this. And remember, you're not alone in the world.
White. Eternal, never ending. It persisted for a fraction of a second and for an eternity. It began to move, pulling and pushing, the detached soul a plaything in its hands, before the forces that be pushed it down again. Molding the laws of reality to its will to means unknown, it guided the soul to its new life…
Gasping for air, I found myself outside, catching myself from tripping over what seemed to be myself, and extending my arms out for balance, I righted myself. Where was I? And… For that matter…
Who was I?
I took in a sharp inhale of breath that pierced right into my lungs as my wide, dark eyes shot around my surroundings. People my age, all wearing matching uniforms and with only minor differences between males and females, walking in relatively the same direction. Older, taller individuals in suits waiting at the same bus stops, or walking past somewhere else. To my right, beyond a fence, was large amounts of grassland, only broken up by a forest.
As I looked, I ran a hand through my hair, slowly.
As my eyes settled forward, the grip tightened.
"My name…" I found myself muttering. My voice surprised me by being hushed, and almost harsh in its panic. "What is my name?" I whispered. The grip grew tighter.
'What the hell is my name?!'
Before I could tear my hair out, my head turned to the sound of a voice calling a name. It sounded familiar… The name and the voice.
"Heeyyy! Aleexx!" She was clearly talking to me, as her eyes were trained directly at me, she was waving her arms around like a maniac and calling my name, drawing attention from other students. Before I could even respond, I felt a voice in my head. I wasn't sure if it was my own, or if it was something else entirely.
'...Sayori.'
My eyes glazed over slightly. I saw a near-ghostly figure of a brown haired boy, about my age, standing impatiently, looking directly at Sayori. He didn't look happy to see her, and before she approached, he turned to face me… Only to be dispersed. My concentration coming back as Sayori obliviously ran through the specter and began panting heavily, her hands were on her knees.
"Haah… Aahh! I overslept again!" Suddenly, she shot upright and pointed at me, "But I caught you this time!"
I don't know who this girl is, but something struck me almost immediately: She was very cute. From her brightly colored hair, the hair bow, her bright eyes and lively demeanor. It made me very nervous… I felt like I couldn't speak! Not just because of her… But because I was still internally in shock, I hadn't even begun to piece together what was going on…
"Alex? Hellooo? You in there?" The girl reached up and lightly rapped at my head.
I blinked a few times and waved her hand away, "S-Sorry, uh… Sayori. Y-Yeah. You caught me."
The girl furrowed her brow while pursing her lips, "Are you okay, Alex? You look kind of pale. Don't tell me you're sick! You shouldn't be going to school if you are."
Apart of me screamed to say 'Yeah, I'm sick, I'll go home.' But the rational part of me felt like if I was going to piece together what happened to me, I needed to talk to this girl. And go to school.
"N-No, I'm… Not sick. Just, had a late night, you know?" I laughed a very obviously fake laugh, I could tell it wasn't fooling the girl in front of me. But I began to walk in the direction of the other students anyways, and she followed close behind.
"Well, if you're sure… But you really need to stop staying up so late, Alex! Watching all that Anime, staying up late, not being in any clubs, you're bound to become a NEET if you keep up like this!" She jabbed at my side with one of her fingers, causing me to jump a bit.
She giggled at me, "See? You're totally spacing out! This is just more reason for you to join a club! You did say you were going to, you know? You promised!"
"I.. Did?" I ask, looking at her. "When did I say that?"
And for that matter, what kind of clubs did this school even have? It's not like I had any memories of anything to go on.
But...a part of me felt like I should know something about this. Even if it's not coming to the forefront of my mind.
"Awh, come on! Don't act like you forgot!" Sayori exclaimed once again, keeping me from musing about the school, "Can't you do it for me? You know I'm worried about you!"
I wanted to tell her no - I didn't really want to look at any clubs right now. Especially considering I only just remembered my name a few minutes ago. How was I supposed to know what kind of clubs I would like? But before I could respond negatively, I looked at Sayori again.
She was pouting at me, her arms crossed, and my retort died in my throat.
"...Fine. I'll look at some clubs, okay?" I couldn't say no to this girl when she was acting like this. And something told me, she was only looking out for my well-being. Where was the harm in looking, if it made her happy? Maybe after school she would be in a good enough mood for me to probe her about why she seemed so familiar to me… I could learn more about what she thought my relationship to her was.
Maybe I would remember something?
"Yaay! You're the best, Alex!" She pumped her fist in the air, and before I knew it, we were walking into the school grounds, and as we approached the main building.
"I gotta get to class, but I'll talk to you later, okay?" Sayori spoke, already walking away and waving in my direction.
"Sayori, wait! I-"
But she was already gone, and I stopped, I guess I should get to class, huh?
Wait…
Where were my classes?
And for that matter, which classes did I have in the first place?
...Shit.
Well, standing around like an idiot probably wouldn't do me much good in this predicament, so I began to head inside. Sayori seemed fine with leaving me to walk into this main building here. So my class must be inside here, right?
'...Maybe I should just go to the main office and get my schedule?' That seemed like a sane plan. They might question why I was asking for my schedule in what seemed to be early spring, but I could just lie and say my parents wanted it…
My parents…
Why did the thought of my parents make me sad? Did I have parents? If not, how do I even have the money to go to school? I suppose these are all questions I'll need to answer in time. But for now, my legs began to carry me towards what I assumed would be the main office. I just selected what looked to be the place where some students were sitting around inside as I looked through the window. A couple just looked tired, one of them looked like they would rather be anywhere else right now than sitting in that chair.
Behind something that looked like a mixture between a counter and a desk, there was an older woman, clearly a member of the administration. She seemed busy with another student, so I stood behind them, I couldn't help but listen in, after all, it was only natural.
"...Kana. You need to stay out of trouble, okay? This is your third violation this term. I don't need to tell you that four is suspension. And five is expulsion, right?" The girl seemed impatient.
I couldn't see her face, but her hair was scruffy and black, it went down just enough to cover her neck, her backpack had a spiked-collar hanging off of it, as some kind of decoration. It struck me as odd, this girl was definitely not one to blend in, was she?
"Yeah, I get it! Come on, you have to admit it was funny though, Mrs. Satai." The girl who was apparently named Kana responded.
The old woman scrunched her nose, "That may be, but regardless of how funny it was to replace all of the Principal's portraits with… Crude drawings, it's still against the rules. I can't protect you next time this happens, Kana!"
The girl huffed, taking something the woman held out, "Fine fine. I get it." She turned around, and I was met face to face with her.
The girl just looked at me, before smirking and walking past, "I'll stay out of trouble." As she left, I couldn't tell if she was talking to me or her.
It felt slightly ominous.
Maybe she was just trying to psyche me out? She could of just noticed I was kind of confused and out of it and taken advantage of that. However, before I could keep thinking about it, the old woman cleared her throat, grabbing my attention.
"May I help you, young man?"
I blinked a bit, before nodding.
"Y-yes, I need a copy of my schedule please." This caused Mrs. Satai to quirk an eyebrow.
"So late in the year, why?"
I responded with my prepared excuse.
"A family member wanted to see it, and I lost my old one after the year started." I wasn't sure if I had one parent, two, or none. I didn't want to say 'my parents' and get hit by 'What parents?' Or something. I don't know why I was so worried about that possibility. It was just a small niggling feeling in the back of my mind.
'I guess it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. So long as I had money…' Back in reality, the school worker seemed to buy it.
"Well alright, name?"
I cleared my throat, I guess I should have expected this question."Alex."
She hummed, "Right, I remember you now. That's all I needed."
'Thank god.' I thought to myself.
I only knew my first name because of Sayori, it felt weirdly out of place, now that I think about it. So…Foreign, compared to all the names I've heard here. Oh well, I guess there was no changing it now. The worker printed out the paper and handed it to me, along with a note, "This'll make sure the teacher doesn't question you being late. Now run along."
I didn't need to be told twice, I left the room while looking at the schedule…
Some time later, my final bell rang, and as everyone filed out of the class and it slowly emptied out, I sighed in relief. It was difficult trying to follow anything in the classes I had. I strangely seemed to vaguely remember the lessons I needed to at least not arouse worry or suspicion, but I was more focused on my problem all throughout the day. I didn't seem to have any friends, aside from Sayori, but I hadn't seen her since this morning, and I'm not even one-hundred percent on her being my friend…
Not because she isn't nice, or anything. But because I can't remember anything prior to today. She does strike a chord with me - I remember that I should remember things about her. But I don't.
'I guess having one friend, however unsure I am of her, is better than having no friends. Especially since my memory seems to be in pieces… I wonder where I should go from here.'
Then, I remembered Sayori's earlier words.
"Clubs…"I mutter to myself, staring down at my desk.
'Sayori wanted me to look at clubs, right? But… What clubs?' What did I even like? It seemed like a more personal question than it was. I was more questioning if I had any hobbies before this… Accident? That I had.
'Sayori said I watched a lot of Anime. Maybe I should try the Anime club?'
Before I could continue that train of thought, a voice snapped me out of my mind and back into reality.
"Hellooo?" It was Sayori. She must of walked into the room while I was thinking.
"Sayori? What are you doing here?" I asked, curious, and slightly miffed at being dragged out of my thoughts so abruptly. But I guess it wasn't her fault, was it?
"I thought I'd catch you coming out of class but I saw you sitting there spacing out, so I came in!" She let off a small giggle and smiled at me.
"Honestly, you're even worse than me sometimes! I'm impressed!"
I didn't know for sure if she had a club herself, but given how avid she was about me joining one, I had to assume so.
"Don't you have a club to go too? You shouldn't wait for me if you're going to be late to your own club."
Sayori pulled at her collar, she looked nervous about something. That couldn't be good for me. "Well, I thought you could use a little encouragement, so I thought, you know…" She cleared her throat, and I had to speak before she could continue.
"Know what?"
My hand was propping up my head, chin buried in my palm as I looked up at the girl.
"Well, that you'd come to my club!"
Blinking, my brow furrowed.
I felt like I barely knew this girl yet even with the feeling that I should trust her, I didn't feel I should accept her offer without a fight.
"Er… Sayori. I don't even know what your club is. How could I go to your club if I don't know what it is?"
A look of genuine shock crossed Sayori's face, she looked like I'd just stolen her lunch money or something."C-Come on Alex! Don't joke like that. You know I'm the Vice President of the Literature Club! You are joking, right?" She looked worried, like she was thinking of all the things that could of happened to make me forget her club,
I decided to try and play it off, "A-Ahah, yeah, of course I was joking! How could I forget?"
The look disappeared off her face, to my relief, but the relief vanished when she said, "So, you'll come to my club, right?"
I had to stand my ground here, I felt it in my bones!
I didn't want to be too mean, though, "Sayori… I'm sorry but I don't think I have any interest in Literature." Sayori pouted, why did I have a feeling she could tell I was weak to that?
"C'mon, please? You owe me for scaring me like that a minute ago!"
I had to be defiant! It almost felt like a challenge.
"Why do you care so much? You already know I'm gonna look at some clubs! So why does it matter if I check out your club and not the Anime club?"
Sayori looked to the side, "Well.." She bridged her fingers, pressing them together as she had her head turned towards the window.
Admittedly, it was a little cute, and I felt heat on my face as she did this.
"...I sort of promised the club I'd bring a new member today… And Natsuki made cupcakes and everything." She smiled, at this point I could tell she was putting on her cutest smile on purpose.
I scoffed, my blustering was hopefully keeping the attention off my blush.
I didn't want this girl getting the wrong idea!
"It's not a good idea to make promises you can't keep, you know?" I had a sneaking feeling she had planned this all out… But I couldn't confirm for certain. She seemed innocent enough.
The next move she made surprised me, however, she reached down and grabbed my arm with her hands.
Please, please, pleeassee? It'll be fun!"
Blinking, wide eyed, I pulled my arm away, "A-Alright… Fine! I'll stop by for a cupcake and to look around."
Sayori grinned, "Yaay! Come on, let's go!" She grabbed my hand and pulled me along. She was surprisingly strong for a girl her size. I barely had time to grab my bag before I was pulled along, towards a flight of stairs.
"Careful! I might fall!"
Sayori didn't seem too keen on listening.
Admittedly, it freaked me out, moving this quickly. What was this sense of morbid dread? It started in my chest and moved to enrapture my body, once we were up the stairs.
"Gimme a sec, Sayori!"
She seemed to listen, this time, letting go and looking at me, first confused, then concerned.
"A-Alex, you're all pale! Are you scared or something? The Literature Club is not that bad!"
Leaning on a wall, I said, "Just… Gimme a second, please?" I took a few breaths, closing my eyes. The deep pit of dread slowly receded, and I stood completely upright again. "Alright, let's go."
Sayori grabbed my hand again. This time she was much more gentle, and seemed intent on just lightly dragging me. I guess she could tell something was wrong. "Your hand is all clammy, Alex… If this isn't better by tomorrow I'm making you go to the nurse! Or the doctor! I don't think I've ever seen you this way before."
'Or at all…?' I questioned in morbid amusement.
Beyond that, I had to admit that her hand on mine made me feel…
Comfortable.
Now that she wasn't dragging me at a breakneck pace, I could relax. I didn't feel terribly flustered by her pulling me along like this… But maybe that was because I was more focused on figuring out where that sudden sense of impending dread came from. As we got closer to the door, I had a strange feeling…
...A feeling like I had just sold my soul for a cupcake.
As we closed the gap on the Club room, Sayori seemed to switch gears back to being excited. If she was still thinking about my little episode, it wasn't showing as she practically skipped the final few feet to the door, before swinging it open wide like she owned the place.
"The new club member is here!" She calls as she lets go of my hand and bounds inside, I follow in, already embarrassed by her sudden shouting.
"Sayori I'm not-" My words died in my throat as I fully entered the room and was greeted by an interesting sight.
The first person other than Sayori that I laid my eyes on was a lavender haired girl with windows that matched the curtains, she smiled softly at me.
"Welcome to the literature club, Sayori's always said nice things about you."
'Like what?' I had to wonder. It embarrassed me that she apparently talked about me to the point that this girl knew who I was.
Before I could question it, another girl appeared from somewhere further back in the class. The first thing I noticed about her was just how short and small she looked, granted, even Yuri wasn't as tall as me, and I was what I assume to be a normal height, but she took it a step further. "Seriously? You brought a boy? Way to kill the atmosphere!"
Well, that was rather rude. Before I could comment on it, the final girl, who had previously been turned around quickly shuffling about some papers, turned around, her eyes were closed in a smile at first.
As she turned around, it almost felt like time slowed, even before she opened her mouth. I saw... Something.
In the place of this brunette was a red-headed girl, with freckles on her face. She was looking at the ground, blushing, in one of her hands, a bag containing something I couldn't make out. The girl looked at me, and went to speak. But when she did, the illusion vanished, and the other girl was back.
"Aah! A-" As she opened her eyes, her words got caught in her throat, almost like she was choking on air for a moment, the look in her eyes went from warm greeting, to complete shock, like she had just witnessed a bomb going off, then her face went through a few more emotions, I could hardly tell what all of them were. Happiness? Sadness? Disbelief?
She seemed to be snapped out of it when Sayori said, "Monika! Not you too! Are you feeling okay?" Sayori lightly shook the girl, whose name was apparently Monika, with her hand on her arm.
"Huh- Oh, yes! Sorry. Welcome to the Literature Club, Alex!" She smiled at me. It was a confusing smile, I was never really good at reading emotions, but while she looked happy to see me, I felt a bit of a chill run down my spine with that smile. Like she was looking right into my soul with those eyes of hers.
"Monika, you know Alex?" Sayori asked, looking at her curiously.
'Yeah… She knows me?' As I looked at all the girls, I felt increasingly unfocused, and my eyes glazed over once again.
The girls were blurred, but my mind was filled with names.
'...Yuri, Natsuki… Monika.' I saw the specter, it lingered, looking at the girls, before walking through them and vanishing, my ears barely tuned in to hear what Monika said.
"Yes, Sayori… We had class last year. And we talked plenty in the classroom."
Why did I feel like her words had some hidden meaning behind them? My mind struggled to piece it together, but I couldn't get a handle on what it was meant to mean. At least, not yet.
"Wow! I'm glad you're such good friends! I wish you'd told me earlier, Monika! Alex could of been one of our founding members!"
I told myself that I would need to talk to Monika later. She clearly knew something I didn't, and in the situation I'm in, I clearly needed all the help I could get, and now that I think about it, with the way she reacted to me walking in the room, I might as well of been some dead man come back to life walking around like he was never dead in the first place.
And who was that girl that I saw in her place? It was only a few moments, but... I felt like I knew her. And I also felt like that red head was looking right at me before Monika spoke.
Then, before I could think anymore about how to approach that situation, a voice rudely snapped me out of my thoughts and brought me back to reality, once again.
"What are you looking at? If you have something to say, say it!" It was… Natsuki. I think that was her name, right?
At least, that's what the voice in my head told me.
'...Wow, that sounded terrible. Better not bring it up to anyone.'
"S-sorry." I apologized, a bit flustered to realize I had been staring without even realizing it.
Yuri responded in a softly chiding tone, "Natsuki…" To which Natsuki only let out a 'Hmph' and looked away.
Natsuki looked markedly smaller in both frame and height than the other girls. I could tell she was in high school, at least, maybe she just got in? The paper on my schedule said I was a second year, so she could be a first year, right? Then again. She could just be a very late bloomer.
I saw Sayori sidle up to me, she whispered,"You can just ignore her when she gets moody." before stepping away, "Anyways, that's Natsuki, always full of energy!"
Then, she made a grand gesture to the slightly taller girl, "And that's Yuri, the smartest in the club!"
Yuri blushed and looked away, "D-Don't say things like that." Yuri looked like she could pass for a third or fourth year, despite her stature still being on the short side compared to me, she seemed fully… Developed.
'Wow, good going Alex. You barely know these girls and you're already thinking about that kinda stuff.' I pushed my train of thought somewhere else and spoke up.
"W-Well… It's nice to meet the two of you." That didn't come out like I had wanted it to. The anxiety in my chest made me think I must be terrible at meeting new people.
Why was I just now discovering these things out?
"And you already know Monika, based on what she said!" Sayori seemed to take charge of moving the conversation forward, Monika only nodding in response to what she said, and I did too, even though I hadn't the slightest who this woman was supposed to be.
Monika's green eyes bored into me, it made me uncomfortable, beyond that, her hair was almost unnaturally long and yet simultaneously well kept. The smile she had on her face was welcoming, but something seemed off about it, like she was either trying to hide something. Monika put her hands behind her back and gave me another smile, I will admit, it made, it sent a wave of nervousness through me.
"Good to have you here, Alex!"
I could only clear my throat after she spoke her piece.
"Th-, uh.. Thank you, Monika." I chastised myself for not being more articulate. This was a literature club after all, it should be important to present myself right, shouldn't it? Well. First impressions were a bit beyond me at this point, I suppose.
"Well, come on, take a seat, Alex! We made room so you could sit next to me or Monika!" As she said that, everyone moved. They all took seats, and I was about to go sit next to Sayori, since I was still rather nervous about this, and even though I personally felt like I barely knew anyone in this room, Sayori seemed the most comfortable to sit next to.
But before I could, Monika cleared her throat, playing it off like she had a cough, but she was looking at me. Her eyes aimed at me, then down to the seat next to her. Not wanting to agitate this girl anymore than she already seemed to be, I took a seat next to her.
Sayori didn't seem to mind, as she promptly stood back up and spoke,"Oh, I'll go get the cupcakes!" But before she could, Natsuki responded.
"Hey! I made them, I'll get them!"
Sayori bridged her fingers together and said, "Sorry! I got a little too excited."
Before sitting back down, as Natsuki got up and went to get her cupcakes. Yuri stood up, her gaze swept across the three of us.
"Then, how about I make some tea as well?" Then she was off to the same corner of the room, both girls on their way to retrieve their goodies. I was glancing around the room, mostly in the direction of the windows, trying to imagine myself as anywhere else but this hotbed of embarrassment and nearly overwhelming discomfort, but before I could focus on that, I felt a pair of eyes on me and…I also felt a strange heat.
The heat, at least, was coming from me. But why did I feel so hot all of a sudden? And no, not that kind of hot, more like, embarrassment again. I turned to the source and saw Monika, looking at me.
The look in her eyes was one that was simultaneously hard to place and very uncomfortable to be the subject of.
It wasn't one of malice. Quite the opposite, in fact, she was almost making moon eyes at me, but she quickly averted her gaze, and I'm not sure if it was because of me, or because Natsuki and Yuri returned, Sayori having been paying attention to Natsuki, who was walking up with pomp in her step.
As Natsuki unveiled the cupcakes, we all collectively expressed our surprise. Sayori was the most vocal out of all of us.
"Wooaahh! Soo cuuteee!"
The Cupcakes were intricately designed, each one had a little cat face on it. With pink icing and additional frosting used to make the whiskers and eyes. It was overall very cute, almost being too much for me.
But I didn't have to comment on it just yet, as Monika said, "Wow, Natsuki! I never knew you were so good at baking!" Clearly pleasantly surprised by them, or at least she seemed that way.
My instincts still told me not to trust her completely.
Then again… Maybe I was just being paranoid?
"Ehehe, yeah! Well.. Just hurry up and take one!" Natsuki said, grinning rather widely as she finished speaking, as she finally sat down. Sayori, Monika, and I all took one.
Sayori was the quickest to bite into it, exclaiming, "Ish delicishous!" With a mouth full of cupcake, getting icing all over her face.
Shaking my head at her antics, I looked around and spotted a box of tissues sitting on a nearby adjacent desk. I grabbed it and put it in the center of the table. Sayori still didn't get the hint, so I just focused on looking at the cupcake, calculating just where I would bite into it… I felt another pair of eyes on me, and glanced towards the direction they were coming from.
Natsuki was looking at me, a look of concern on her face. She must be wondering how I feel about the cupcake. I slowly took a bite, and all at once, a burst of sweetness, sugar, and flavor overcame my mouth. My eyes widened a little bit as the sensations registered.
"Wow, Natsuki! This is really good! Thank you!" I was momentarily able to forget my situation thanks to this Cupcake. Natsuki then crossed her arms and blushed.
"Why are you thanking me? It's not like I…" Why did I feel a sense of Deja Vu? "...Made them for you, or anything."
"I mean, didn't you? Sayori said you were making them for the new cl-"
"Well, maybe! But not for you, you know? Dummy!"
Blowing some air out my nose, I figured I should probably be offended by her insult, but I really couldn't bring myself to be. "Alright, relax."
I glanced to Monika, to see if she was also enjoying her cupcake. I noticed something strange as I did.
Monika had a single bite out of the cupcake, and she was staring at it, wide eyed and mouth slightly ajar, like she was shocked by the taste. Now, I probably wouldn't of said anything normally, after all for all I knew she was just spacing out, but the look on her face was making me feel a bit off. I nudged her, and she jumped, clearly startled.
"Monika, you alright?"
"Y-Yeah! I'm fine, Alex." Then she smiled at me, "Thank you for worrying."
I felt a bit red in the ears, but waved it off and went back to eating, while Yuri began setting out teacups and pouring tea, I had to ask.
"You keep a whole tea-set in here? Isn't that against the rules?"
Yuri spoke up, saying, "Don't worry, the teacher gave us permission. Besides, doesn't a cup of tea help you enjoy a good book?"
"Ehm… Maybe?" And so the anxiety returned, I didn't want to lie, but I also didn't want to appear stupid in front of all these girls.
Monika came to my rescue, giggling before saying, "Don't let yourself get intimidated. Yuri is just trying to impress you."
Yuri looked at her, a blush on her face, "E-Eh?! That's not…" Yuri seemed a bit insulted by the jab, and she looked away. "I-I meant what I said."
Deciding to give her a break, I responded, "Relax, I know." I suppose I wasn't the only one anxious about meeting new people? That made me feel a bit better. "Well. I'm not entirely sure if tea and reading is my thing, but tea is good. Especially with sweets."
Yuri sighed in relief, before sitting down and getting her own cupcake. I was already reaching for my second one when Monika asked me a question I was dreading.
"Sooo, what made you decide to join the Literature Club?"
I swallowed, masking it by taking a sip of tea. Something told me I shouldn't spill my guts about anything to Monika, especially not in public. How would it sound if I said I 'woke up' standing waiting for school, then got dragged here by Sayori because I forgot if I had any hobbies besides Anime?
"W-Well. I'm always trying to broaden my horizons. Sayori recommended I look at this club, I figured it wouldn't hurt..." It was weak, and I probably didn't sound very convincing, but Monika either bought it or didn't want to press me anymore.
"Well, as President of the Literature Club, I'm more than happy to help you realize new interests!"
It felt nice that she was so welcoming, but that ominous feeling in my head, almost like the dread I felt in the hallway, continued to numb any warm sensation I felt towards her. I would need to work on ignoring it.
After all, it wasn't fair to push someone away just because of a bad feeling, right?
'And trying to push her away from being my friend wouldn't exactly make me any friends in life either… And it'd just make me feel like a jerk.'
In what seemed to be becoming a running theme with me, a voice broke me out of my thoughts.
"So, Alex, what kind of books do you like to read?" It was Yuri who spoke to me this time.
That question caught me off guard, and it probably would have even if I wasn't spacing out.
"A-Ah, well… Eh…" Sayori said I liked Anime right? I don't remember if I've read any real books at great length before, but Anime had Manga right? Manga was literature… Right? "Er… Well, Manga…" I saw Natsuki perk her head up slightly when she heard that. It looked like she wanted to say something to be, but restrained herself. Maybe she didn't like Manga?
"Not much of a reader I guess…" Yuri trails off, her disappointed look made me feel a little bad. Did the other girls not read that much? Wasn't this a Literature club?
"Well… Nothing stopping me from picking up more books, right?" I don't know why I said that, I guess I felt a little guilty for making Yuri disappointed like that. Even if I really didn't need to. "What kind of books do you like to read, anyways, Yuri?" Asking that question seemed like it would help us move on from me saying that, and thankfully it seemed to work.
"Well. My favorites are novels that build deep and complex fantasy worlds… The level of detail and craftsmanship is amazing." Yuri closed her eyes as she said that, almost like she was imagining one of the worlds she was talking about. Then she opened her eyes and continued, "But you know, I like a lot of things. Stories with deep psychological elements immerse me as well." Sighing dreamily, she looked out towards the window, "Isn't it amazing how a writer can take advantage of your own lack of imagination to throw you for a loop? Or to take you to a place far away?"
...I had to admit, I was impressed. She seemed really interested in Literature. If it wasn't for her shy disposition, I could almost imagine her being the one to make a club like this, instead of Monika.
"Anyways, I've been reading a lot of horror lately."
I thought about saying something, and grasped for a way to let her know I was paying attention, "Ah… That's interesting, I've never read one before."
Yuri looked like she wanted to reply, but Monika spoke up first, "Wow, really, Yuri? I wouldn't have expected that. Coming from someone as gentle as you…"
"I guess I can't fault you for thinking that. But if a book makes me think or takes me to another world, I really can't put it down. Surreal horror is often very successful at changing the way you look at the world, even for a brief moment."
Natsuki speaks up finally, "Ugh… I hate horror!" Her words didn't hold any venom in them, I suppose she just was the kind to be easily scared? I took this opportunity in changing who I was looking at to look at Sayori.
She had a big smile on her face, like she was happy to just be here. I had to envy her for that, at least she has a place like that right now, unlike me.
'Then again, could this place become like that for me, too?'
"Oh, why's that?" Yuri asks Natsuki after a brief moment, Natsuki looked at me, then back to Yuri.
"Eh.. Cause… Nevermind, it's not important."
I kind of wanted to encourage her to go on, at least it would make me feel less alone in not really knowing anything about Horror, but I didn't feel like I was ready to speak so freely to her, or any of them.
Luckily, Monika filled the gap, "That's right, you usually like to write about cute things, don't you Natsuki?"
Natsuki gave a start, her eyes widened a bit, "W-What gave you that idea?!"
Monika smiled slightly, "You left a piece of scrap paper at the club last meeting." She raised it, it was folded neatly, despite clearly being a torn piece of paper, "It looked like you were working on a poem called-"
Natsuki interrupted, "Don't say it out loud!" Then she reached out, "And give that back!"
Monika laughed, and handed it back, "Fine, fine~!" Speaking in an almost sing-song manner that I could almost interpret as her teasing Natsuki.
Almost.
Sayori took this opportunity to get out of her chair and walk over to Natsuki, giggling as she did,"Ehehehe, Your cupcakes, your poems! Everything you do is just as cute as you are~" Sayori gave Natsuki a hug from the back, grinning as she did. Natsuki seemed flustered at being called cute.
"I-I'm not cute!" She exclaims, before Sayori let go and went back to her seat, smiling to herself, I took the opportunity to jump in and seem a bit less awkward as a prospective club member.
"Natsuki, you write poems?" That seemed to help her get her mind off being called cute.
"Eh? Well, sometimes, I guess. Why do you care?" She crossed her arms, clearly defensive about this topic.
"Well, I think that's impressive. You should share them sometime."
This seemed to confirm to herself that she was guarded for a reason.
"No!" She exclaims, before lowering her voice a bit, "You wouldn't.. Ehm… Like them…"
I cleared my throat, "Not very confident at writing yet, I guess?" At that time, Yuri entered the conversation, having just run out of tea in her cup.
"I understand how Natsuki feels. Sharing that level of writing takes so much confidence, and trust in the other person. You need to be willing to lay bare how you feel to your readers, putting your deepest emotions out for judgment."
Monika decided to join at this point, "Do you have a lot of writing experience, Yuri? Maybe you could share some of your poems to help Natsuki feel confident enough to share hers."
Yuri blushed and looked down, focusing on pouring her next cup of tea.
"I guess Yuri isn't into that idea either." I note. Sayori took this time to speak up.
"Awwh, I wanted to read everyone's poems…" She sounded disappointed, but I couldn't blame Yuri or Natsuki for being shy. I would be too.
'Sharing that kind of thing would be super embarrassing, especially since I barely know these girls…'
Silence ruled, as I finished my second cupcake, and Monika spoke up, snapping her fingers to emphasize her words.
"Okay, everyone! I have an idea, how about we all go home tonight and write a poem of our own! Then, tomorrow, we can all share our poems together, so nobody has to feel embarrassed and everyone is even!"
Natsuki only pulled at her collar and struggled to think of something to say.
Yuri shut her eyes and looked like she really wished she wasn't sitting there.
Sayori was the one to break the silence that time, "Yeaah! Let's do it!"
Monika clapped her hands, "Plus, we have Alex now, as a new member, we should help him feel comfortable with being here. Poems would be the perfect way for us to bond!"
I had to speak, "W-Wait… I- There's just one problem."
Monika blinked, and said, "Oh? What's that?"
I decided to lay it bare.
"I-I never said I'd join this club! Sayori seems happy here and everything sure, b-but I haven't even checked out the Anime cl-club, or… Or…"
My words died in my throat. All of them looked saddened.
"A-Alex…" Sayori spoke softly, almost at a whisper with that damned pouting of hers to back it up.
Monika looked down, dejectedly, like I'd just shot her puppy, and said, "B-But…"
Yuri started slowly playing with her hair, looking off to the side, "S-Sorry… I thought…"
Natsuki harrumphed and looked away.
'D-Damn it… These girls… All look so sad. I can't think clearly against this…' I sighed, saying, "Alright then. I've decided." Then, I said the words that I felt would play a part in the rest of my life, good or bad.
"I'll join the Literature club!"
All the girls looked up almost simultaneously, Monika smiled widely, and Sayori broke into a huge grin and jumped out of her chair, knocking it over as she ran over and almost knocked me out of my own chair by hugging me, causing me to stand as she jumped up and down.
"Yess! Alex, I'm so happpyy~!"
I blushed heavily, red quickly rushing up my face.
H-Hey, not so rough…"
Sayori kept her hug but stopped jumping. Yuri smiled, bringing a hand to her chest.
"I'm so relieved…"
Natsuki took the chance and said, "If you'd just come here, eaten two of my cupcakes, then left, I'd of been really pissed!"
Monika looked the most relieved of them all. Except for maybe Sayori.
"In that case, welcome to the Literature Club, Alex!"
Sayori let go, still smiling at me. It made my heart seize up a bit, and I had to look away from her. Her looking so happy because of me was too much to bare.
"Okay, everyone!" Monika exclaims, "That's all for today. Let's meet back tomorrow with our poems!" And with that, Yuri began to clean up her tea set, and Natsuki took the now empty cupcake tray and walked over to the corner with it.
Sayori spoke to me, "A-Alex, would you mind walking home with me? We haven't done it in awhile so…" I really couldn't handle this girl when she was behaving like this, but I suppose I had already planned to try and learn more about myself by talking to her… And she would know where my house is, without me having to ask.
"Sure, Sayori. Lets go." I threw my bag onto my shoulder.
Monika spoke, suddenly, "Alex, wait!"
I stopped, so did Sayori, and I looked. Her eyes seemed to be… Glistening?
Was she about to cry?
"N-Nevermind. I'll talk to you tomorrow, okay?"
I nodded, "Yeah. Tomorrow." Whatever problem she had, I didn't think I could handle it today. So, me and Sayori took our leave.
When we were decently down the hall, Sayori said, "S-So, how do you know Monika? She seemed to really like you! Like, alloottt~." Sayori seemed to be trying to play it off as nothing, as she had her usual smile on, but for the first time, I felt a bit of worry behind her voice.
"E-Eh, I'm sure its nothing like that. She's just a friend from last year, is all." I felt bad for lying, but what else was I supposed to say? And how was I to know that I was lying at all? I could be telling the truth and just not remembering. Sayori seemed to buy it, which somehow made me feel worse, and sighed in relief.
"Oh, okay then!" Then, we fully exited the building and kept walking.
I took the chance to ask Sayori the first question I had on my mind. "So, we've been friends a long time now huh?" I guess it was a normal enough question, friends reminisced like that right?
I mean. I guess I wouldn't know, but it seemed natural. Sayori smiled, nodded a few times excitedly.
"Yep! Since we were five now. Don't you remember how we met?"
'Remember, huh…' That was the kind of question I was terrified I'd be asked. I guess I brought it upon myself.
"Uhh.. Something about a teddy bear?" I took a shot in the dark aandd…
"Huh? No, did you really forget?"
The shot went wide.
"S-Sorry, I guess its been awhile, yeah? There's been a lot on my mind as well." I couldn't tell if she was hurt or not, but she smiled anyways.
"That's fine! It just means I can tell you and we can both remember together!" Thus, Sayori began to relay the story…
It was a cloudy day, a little girl with light pink hair, bordering on blonde, played alone at the playground, her parents out of sight. She had a toy giraffe with her, which she was running around with, laughing and having the time of her life, even if she was alone. Suddenly, she tripped, scraping her knee on a loose rock in the otherwise safe sand and landing face first, the giraffe dropping a few feet away from her. She began to cry, clutching her knee, which was bleeding lightly, the rock stuck on it. Suddenly, a dog came by, regarding the girl with little interest, before grabbing the giraffe and trying to walk away.
"H-Hey! S-Stop! Bad Doggie! Leave Mr. Giraffe ALONE!" She cried louder.
A boy, who had been playing a ways away from her, on the same playground, saw the situation and took a deep breath, before running after the dog, "Hey! Leave that giraffe alone!" And violently pulling the dog's tail. The dog, surprised by this, yelped. Releasing the giraffe and running off in a random direction. The boy, now with the giraffe, walked over to the little girl and looked at her leg, while also holding the Giraffe, which had its long neck torn, so it was hanging off to the side.
"Oh gosh… That looks bad."
The girl, seeing the giraffe, began to cry harder."D-Don't cry!" He says, going to pick the rock off her leg and pat her shoulder, "A-Are your parents around?"
The girl shook her head, and he said, "W-Well, my mom has a sewing kit, and first aid! We can get you and your Giraffe fixed!"
The girl, sniffling, said, "O-Okay…" She went to stand, and the boy helped her. He looked at the sky and saw the dark clouds coming.
"Those look bad… Come on, let's hurry. My house is right here!"
So, they walked back to his house, hiding away from the rainclouds.
I blinked when the story was finished, "How could I forget that? Thank you for reminding me Sayori." I was genuinely wondering about how something like that skipped my mind. It seemed important, since I met my apparent lifelong friend right?
Then again… I couldn't even remember my own last name, I had it on this paper in my pocket instead.
I couldn't remember my mother's face, or anything about my life before I 'woke up.'
I should see a doctor… Because it was starting to weight on me more and more.
Sayori smiled at me, even while I was lost in thought, saying, "Don't worry! We all have our bad days, right?" Her smile was so warm and welcoming, I felt my worries of my predicament disappear, even if just for a minute. "Besides! I know you're my best friend, and you know you're mine, so the little details are okay to forget sometimes!" As she said this, she stopped in front of a house. I guess this was mine? "But, really, Alex…" I looked at her, the smile that had made my troubles disappear for that second was gone, in its place was a look of concern, "...Feel better, okay? I don't want to imagine what would happen if you got super sick… I'd come over and help! But I can only do so much… So if you feel bad, pleassee go to a doctor, okay?" She smiled softly, and I couldn't resist her request.
"Okay, Sayori. If I feel bad, I'll go to a doctor. I promise."
She held out her pinky, and I couldn't help but lightly roll my eyes at the childishness. Still, a small smile played on my face as she kept it where it was. So I extended my pinky and met hers. With that, a sweet smile crossed her face, before she skipped off, her house was right next door, so I caught myself staring at her as she went towards it.
Shaking my head, I thought to myself,'Now isn't the time to get feelings for someone, Alex. You need to figure this out.' Then, I found the door locked. Searching through my pocket, I found a key. Unlocking the door, I stepped inside.
"I'm home!" I called, and waited.
Nothing.
I frowned, did I not have parents? I would need to look around my house and find out more about my own life. But I didn't feel like doing that just yet.
I began to walk forward
I felt hungry, but ignored the kitchen.
I was tired, but I didn't want to lay down.
My legs carried me upstairs, to the room I assumed was mine, since the other rooms seemed sparse when I looked in them. Only one bed in the house. I guess that was evidence enough. But how did I pay for all this? Before I could begin to think about that, as I shut the door, the numbness caused me to slump against the door, sliding down slowly. A heavy sense of sadness, starting at my heart and spreading like tendrils throughout my body took hold. My eyes welled over with tears, and I began to cry.
'Why… Why is this happening? What happened to me? Why can't I remember anything? Who am I? Who am I?' I shouted to the posters on my wall, "WHO. AM. I?!" My voice breaking with desperation, my face started to gain tear stains that acted like cracks across my pale skin.
I dropped my head into my hands, my legs remained up against my chest, and I continued to cry.
I couldn't tell you if I had a good reason to cry, for sure, or if this was all apart of my mind playing tricks on me. I should be stronger than this, but I'm not. The sense of overwhelming despair over not even knowing who my parents were, let alone who my friends were, or what I liked to eat, or watch, or read, or play… It was a crushing pressure on my chest, as if a boulder was being slowly pressed against it. It was hard to breathe, and I was lost in my world of despair for I forget how long. Eventually, however, my sobbing died down, as a sudden feeling of exhaustion overtook me, and I fell asleep right there against the door.
Little did I know my dreams offered even less respite than my house.
It was daytime, I couldn't determine the day. All I knew was that she hadn't been seen since she left the club yesterday. I knocked heavily on her front door, calling, "Sayori?"
Yet I didn't get a response.
I pushed my way into her house - I had a feeling that she wouldn't mind if I did this, even if she claimed I hadn't come over in awhile. I walked up to where I felt her room was, the second floor, and started knocking. "S-Sayori? Wake up, we have to go to the festival…" Not receiving a response, I bit my lip. Sweat rolled down my face, why did I feel so nervous? Steeling my resolve, I told myself that if I didn't wake her up she'd be mad at me because she missed the festival. The festival was going to be fun, right? Even if she felt kind of bad. Closing my eyes and taking a deep breath, I opened them.
Then, I gently opened the door…
The sight that I was met with horrified me, Sayori, in her brightly cheerful room, was hanging from a heavy rope tied to the top of her ceiling fan. My eyes widened, and in my shock, I felt bile rise to my throat, I almost puked, but something prevented me from doing so. I fell to my knees as I stared.
"S-Sayori… N-No…Please, god, no! NO!" I slammed my hand on the floor, hurting myself in the process, I looked at her again.
Blood lined her fingertips, her body was lifeless, all the color in it drained out.
Hey eyes, pale, also lifeless…
"WHY?!" I screamed, smashing my hand on the floor again. Despite her floor being carpeted, I kept smashing my hand on it. My shouts were lost even on my ears.
I failed her.
I failed her!
I failed h-
I was shocked awake by my doorbell ringing, I reached up and wiped my face, I had been crying in my sleep. 'W-What the hell was that? Why did it feel so real?' I was shaking, but the doorbell rang again.
I had to get up to answer it.
Looking at my bedside clock, it was 1 AM. Who would come over this early? Standing up, I almost fell over. My legs fell asleep… I hadn't even changed out of my school uniform yet. I opened my door and walked downstairs, trying to fix my hair to at least look a bit presentable. But I knew I probably looked horrible, even with my short-lived efforts.
"Who on earth…" I muttered, my voice was hoarse. I opened my door, looking forward, yet, I had to look down at who had arrived.
"Monika?"