Author's note: I love this song. It's one of my favorite Christmas songs. It tells such a beautiful, sad, story, but to me there's something a little hopeful in it, too. I started this piece in the middle of writing another Danny-focused story (which I promise to publish, it's just going to be a long one, or possibly more than one). I didn't realize the long story needed something - a prequel? prologue? - until I heard this song and it sparked an idea that Danny needed something to start him down this other road.
This story is set during Season 5, and oh, yes, we are diverging wildly from canon. Okay, not wildly. Specifically, where necessary, and thoughtfully.
(And rather than thinking I'm somewhat late with publishing a story set on Christmas Eve, I prefer to think I'm just really, really early.)
Detective Danny Williams hurried into the only grocery store open on Christmas Eve, hoping that he would be able to find the one thing his daughter Grace insisted on having for their family dinner that evening. She wanted to make a special dish for her grandparents, having learned how to make it in her Aloha Girls group the week before.
Normally he would complain loudly about buying this particular item, but his daughter had asked him, so he couldn't say no.
Besides, Steve wasn't there, so the complaining wasn't any fun.
He headed for the produce section, but slid to a stop in front of a case of pre-cut fruit. Even better.
Quick swing over to dairy; his mother had asked him to grab more milk. He then rounded a corner in frozen foods at speed, and ran right into a woman closing the freezer door. Her purse slipped off her arm; she tried to catch it, but it upended and spilled wallet, keys, phone and other items on the floor.
"I am so sorry," Danny started apologizing profusely, kneeling down to help her gather things up. She started to kneel down as well, then stopped and tilted her head.
"Danny?" He looked up sharply at the tone of recognition in the woman's voice. She was about his age, with dark brown hair cut in a short razor straight bob, and bright blue eyes that were currently wide with surprise. It took him a moment to place her, and when he did, he stood too fast and almost lost his balance.
"Lisa?" She smiled and reached out to steady him. He stared at his high school sweetheart, grinning, and then shook his head. "Of all the grocery stores…" Forgetting he held her purse in one hand and the grocery basket in the other, he reached to hug her and instead swung her purse into her side. "Damn, I'm sorry."
"No, it's okay," she replied and took the purse back. They each hesitated, until Danny finally laughed and said, "Come here, you." They hugged for a long moment, and when they pulled back, Danny said, "I didn't realize you were back in the area."
"Just visiting for Christmas." She sighed. "Mom, well, she hasn't been doing great since Dad died two years ago, so I brought her back to see friends."
Danny rocked back on his heels, surprised. "I hadn't heard." He reached out and placed a hand gently on her shoulder. "I'm so sorry, babe. He was a good man."
She nodded her thanks, and Danny could tell she was trying not to cry. He dropped his hand, then raised it again and pointed toward the front of the store. "Hey, they've got a cafe here. You want to grab a cup of coffee?"
She waved a hand at the plastic container of fruit in the basket. "Coffee would be great, but I don't want to keep you from your Christmas… pineapple?"
He huffed a laugh. "I know. It's for my daughter, because she wants to make something for her grandparents. I'm incapable of saying no to pretty much anything she asks for."
"Oh, god, she was a baby last time I was home. She's got to be almost a teenager now. Do you have pictures? I'd love to see them."
"Do I have pictures? I'm a doting father with a smart phone. Pictures, I've got. Come on - coffee, pictures, and you can tell me what you're up to."
Danny stopped at the registers to pay for the pineapple and milk. While the cashier scanned and bagged the items, Lisa asked, "Are you just back for the holidays? I'd heard you'd moved across the country."
"And then some," Danny handed bills to the cashier and explained while he waited for change. "Hawaii." Lisa's eyebrows went up. "Rachel got remarried, and Stan moved her and Grace to Hawaii. So, I moved to Hawaii in order to see my little girl more than twice a year."
"Wow."
Danny tilted his head and shrugged in agreement. "It was an adjustment." He took the bag from the cashier and waved Lisa in front of him as they walked towards the cafe.
Lisa slid her coat off as they stepped up to the cafe counter. "Your parents must be thrilled to have you both here for Christmas."
The young woman behind the counter looked surprised to see customers, but smiled and greeted them with a cheery, "Merry Christmas. What can I get you?"
Danny raised his eyebrows in question at Lisa, and she said, "Just a medium coffee, please." Danny said, "Same for me." The barista nodded and rang up the orders. Lisa dug in her purse and pulled out a wallet, but Danny waved it away, and paid for both cups. There was an awkward silence as she put her wallet back in her purse and they waited for coffee. The barista placed the full cups on the counter, and said, "The store manager asked me to cover a break," she pointed in the direction of the checkout stands where an older man stood. "Do you need anything before I step away for a few minutes?"
"No, we're good, thanks." Danny picked up both cups, handed one to Lisa, and waved a hand toward a small table near the window. The barista smiled in thanks and left them alone.
As she folded her coat over an empty chair, he asked, "Seriously, how long has it been? Our ten year reunion?" He waited for her to sit.
She sat in the chair with her back to the coffee counter, and as Danny took the other chair, tucked her purse under her coat. "Don't remind me how long it's been since then. Except to move Mom and Dad out to live with us, I haven't been back until now."
"You and Robert still in Chicago?"
She nodded. "We moved back into the city from the suburbs about six years ago, and convinced Mom and Dad to buy a place down the road from us." She smiled shyly. "I finally opened my own company three years ago. We're rated one of the top architecture firms in Chicago."
Danny's face lit up in a proud grin. "Well, look at you. Congrats, babe, I never had a doubt that you could do it."
"Thank you." She tilted her head. "You know, if you ever need a house built in Hawaii…"
He laughed. "I will let you know." He picked up his coffee cup and saluted her. "I'm really happy for you, Lisa."
"I couldn't have done it without Robert. He pushed me to make the leap, and he's been great about me being focused on the business."
Something low in her voice made Danny ask, "How are things?" She looked up and he raised his eyebrows in a knowing question.
She smiled, just a little sadly. "We're fine. Things are fine."
"Just fine?"
"We are… content. We take care of each other, and if it's not everything, it's enough."
"Kids?"
Lisa shook her head. "Wasn't in the cards for us." She waved away his look of sympathy. "I spoil my friends' kids. And Robert is the chief financial officer for a non-profit that helps kids get medical care, so we both spend a lot of time with kids who need it. Speaking of," she held out her open hand and made a give-me motion, "I believe I was promised pictures."
Danny laughed and pulled his phone out of his pocket. He quickly pulled up pictures of Grace, and scrolled through until he found a photo from her school Christmas pageant the week before. He flipped the phone around and held it out. "Twelve going on I don't even want to think about it."
She took the phone and bent over it. "Oh, Danny, she's beautiful." She looked up and asked, "Mind if I scroll through?" Danny waved a hand in permission, and she looked at a few more. "I bet she's a handful, too, in the best way possible."
Danny laughed. "She punched a kid at school who was bullying a friend of hers, but she wouldn't rat on the kid. Loyal, stubborn…"
"She's yours, alright." She paged through more photos.
Danny laughed again. "Steve, my partner, says the same thing. But then, he knows a thing about loyal and stubborn." He arced a hand in front of his face. "Actually, that describes my whole team. We're excellent role models."
Lisa grinned. "Of that, I have no doubt." She looked pointed at the phone and turned it to him, where it showed a picture of Grace with the other members of Five-0. "That's your team?"
He nodded. "We're a special task force that reports directly to the governor." Lisa leaned back, impressed. Danny shrugged. "It's good work."
"By which you mean," she smiled knowingly, "you love your job."
Danny grinned. "I do, actually." He thought for a second, looking for words. "It's important work. I'm good at it, and I'm appreciated for it. My team," he pointed to the picture on the phone, "is family, to both me and Grace."
She studied him for a moment. "Are you happy there?"
He sighed heavily. "Yes. And no. I've found a good life, with good friends. My kid is happy and healthy. Rachel and I have even figured out some kind of balance."
"But…"
Danny huffed a small laugh. "There's always a but, isn't there." He shifted in his chair, hesitating. "I'm missing something. I don't know if it's just being homesick still, or if it's something else."
Lisa nodded. "Almost 15 years there, and Chicago still doesn't quite feel like home. Or like home, but like a someday-I'm-going-to-move-back-home home."
"Exactly. I know it's not temporary, but I feel like if maybe one day moving away isn't an option, I'll go crazy. It doesn't help that everyone thinks I'm nuts. I live in paradise, right, so I should love it. And don't get me wrong, there are great things about Hawaii, but still." He shrugged. "I don't know."
"Call it high school girlfriend privilege to get nosy, but you haven't mentioned a significant other." She stared at him over the rim of her coffee cup, eyebrows raised, as she took a drink.
"Ah, yeah. That would require having a significant other to mention." He leaned back in his chair and sighed. "I do get teased a significant amount about being married to my partner, though, if that counts."
"No, I don't think it does," she laughed softly. "Though I'm sure my dad would have appreciated you having survived long enough to have that kind of partner."
"Your dad would laugh his ass off if he could see me now. Respected detective, father of an almost teenage girl - I've turned into him."
She laughed harder. "Oh my god, he would so love that. Remember the first time you kept me out after curfew…"
"By accident!" Danny interrupted. "And those blue lights went off behind us and I thought I was toast."
"Please promise me you'll never do that to Grace," she said, still laughing.
Danny lifted a hand. "Nope. It's my solemn duty as a father and a cop to continue the time-honored tradition of scaring the crap out of my daughter's dates."
"In that case, give her my number so I can tell her some stories about her old man."
Danny huffed a laugh. "Sure, when she's twenty or so." He tilted his head. "Honestly, her dating is not even something I'm ready to think about yet. She's still a little girl to me, you know? Except she's growing up. Like she's getting ready to, I don't know, move on, but I'm stuck somehow. Maybe I'm just getting old. Or maybe it's just this year." He stuck his hands in his pockets, leaned back and grinned. "You, on the other hand, look amazing. Swear to god, you haven't aged a day."
"And you are still charming when you want to be." She shook her head, but smiled. "What is it about this year?"
"It's been a rough few months." He grimaced. "This is the second time I've been home in three months."
"Not for a good reason, I take it." He shook his head. "Oh, Danny. I'm sorry. Your parents, or…"
Danny couldn't talk for a long second, but the concern in her voice and the worried look in her eyes made him want to tell her the whole damn story. He sighed and slumped a little in his chair.
"Matty… god, I don't even know how to say this." Danny closed his eyes. "Matt was killed." He heard Lisa gasp softly. "Murdered, actually. It wasn't...it wasn't random. He got himself into trouble and I tried to fix it, and I.. couldn't." He opened his eyes to find her waiting sympathetically. He shook his head sharply. "You don't want to hear the rest."
She raised an eyebrow. "I'm a beat cop's daughter. You think you could tell me something surprising? Don't tell me if you don't want to, but don't not tell me because you think I'll think less of you or Matt."
Danny held her eyes for a moment, and then nodded. "You know, I thought about your dad when it happened. I thought… I wanted to call him, but I was afraid he'd be disappointed in me." Danny leaned back in his chair. "I didn't know… babe, I'm so sorry I didn't keep up better with you."
"I should have called you. There's so much I should have done then, but my mom was a wreck and it was…" She cast about for the right word.
"Overwhelming?" She nodded. "Yeah, I get that."
"It's like you have to be a responsible adult instead of a grieving kid, because if you're not, things don't get done. Everybody was amazing - all his old partners and everyone at the precinct - but they were all looking to me, because Mom couldn't handle it."
Danny closed his eyes for a moment. "Yeah. I handled everything - I had to handle everything - with Matt and it's the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm still tired."
"What happened, Danny?"
He sighed heavily. "Matt took - a lot - of money from a drug dealer. And then he ran. A few years later, I get a call from that dealer saying bring the money, or my brother dies. So I did," Danny waved a hand, palm up, in a shrug, "but it turns out he was already dead. I never had a chance to save him. And my little brother died horribly, and he was alone and scared and I should have been there to save him." He shook his head. "There has to be something I could have differently, but for the life of me, I can't think what."
"What happened to the bastard that killed him?" Danny hesitated and looked down, tapping a finger nervously against the side of the paper cup. Lisa watched Danny's hands for a moment, noting that they still punctuated everything he was thinking, then asked, "Is that why you thought my father would be disappointed in you?"
Danny huffed a small laugh, fingers finally going still. "Yeah, actually." He thought for a second, wanting to explain. "It all happened so fast. I'm trained to deal with crap like that - hell, I've dealt with that crap more than once - but this, I just... lost it." He leaned back and slouched a little in the chair. "I honestly don't remember everything. He told us to go, and I walked up the stairs. And then I turned around, and the rest of it is like I'm watching a movie, but the film is cloudy and there are holes in it. I know what happened, but some of it I only know because I was told." He shook his head and sat back up. "It's not an excuse. I take responsibility. Or I would, if there were anyone that cared."
"What would have happened if you'd walked away?"
"I don't know. He threatened Grace. I think… I believe that's not the last we would have seen of him." He ran a hand over his head. "I know he wouldn't have faced justice in any court of law."
"So you did the good thing, if not necessarily the right one." He stared at her, eyebrows raised, and she shrugged. "What? Listen, one thing I learned from Dad was that yes, the law is the law, but context and intent matter. This guy wasn't an innocent. And maybe the best thing was to keep him from hurting anyone else, especially since you weren't able to save Matt."
When he didn't respond, she leaned forward. "Danny, if you want absolution, I can point you to a priest. If you want to continue to beat yourself up, well, I can relate. But I'm not going to tell you that you shouldn't have done it." She placed one of her hands over his and held on. "You are a good man, Danny Williams."
Danny sat frozen for a moment, then turned his hand up and squeezed. "Thank you. I'm not sure I believe you, but thank you."
She squeezed his hand back and looked at him until he met her eyes. "He'd be proud of you, you know. The cop - the father - that you've become. Believe that."
"That's…" Danny's voice stuck, and he paused, waiting for the emotion to pass. He finally sighed. "Right now, I don't want to believe that either, but it does mean a lot that you'd say it."
"I mean it." She sat back and they were both quiet for a long moment. Lisa picked up her cup and finished the coffee. Danny sat unmoving for another few moments, until Lisa laughed softly and he looked up. "You have changed, you know. When we were in high school, you couldn't sit still."
He smiled just a bit. "I had to learn how to. I'd never keep a partner if I couldn't make it through a stake out." Danny's phone dinged, startling him. He picked it up and looked at it. "I'm so sorry, babe. I've got to go - Grace is wondering what kind of trouble I've gotten myself into."
She waved a hand, dismissing his apology. "I should get back to Mom, too." She stood, and Danny stood with her. She shook her head. "It was so good to see you, Danny. I wish…" She trailed off and shrugged. "I wish a lot of things, but mostly that we'd kept in touch more."
He stepped forward and reached out in a hug. She wrapped her arms around him, holding tightly just a for moment before pulling back. As she did, he said, "Just because we didn't before, doesn't mean we can't stay in touch in the future."
Lisa nodded. "I'd like that."
Danny helped her on with her coat, and picked up his grocery bag. "Can I walk you to your car?"
She shook her head. "I'm going to run back into the store and grab a couple of things." Before Danny could apologize, she stopped him with a hand on his arm. "It's fine, Danny. I can't think of anywhere I'd rather have been for the last hour. Now go home to that incredible kid of yours." She kissed him on the cheek. "Merry Christmas, Danny. Be happy, okay?"
Danny nodded, unable for the second time that evening to say anything, and watched her walk away. He stepped outside, pulling his coat on while walked to the car. As he got in, he looked back to find Lisa watching him from the front of the store. He lifted a hand and smiled for her, and she waved once in return.
While he started the car, he texted Grace that he was on his way home. Pulling out of the parking lot, he tapped his fingers on the steering wheel and thought about Lisa's words. He didn't do happy much these days. But she was right; dwelling on things wasn't helping him or anyone else. He didn't know what to do it about yet, but maybe he could figure out a way forward.