Ryuzaki's smooth, delicate hands present Light with the "Death Note" in an odd manner. He holds it with two hands perched on top of the notebook. Even though Light and Ryuzaki have disagreements (almost daily) the former still finds himself internally smiling at the latter's odd way of going about life, like now. He steals a glance at Ryuzaki, something he's been finding himself doing a lot lately in an attempt to decipher the detective. Light's glance soon turns into an inquisitive glare when the thought that Ryuzaki is pulling his leg comes to mind. He doesn't seriously think that I'm going to believe that there's a shinigami outside of the helicopter. He considers not taking the notebook but then the trust that Light holds towards the detective causes him to reach for the notebook.
His hand feels like it's on fire and pain shoots at his temples. The pain feels as though it's trying to rip his very existence apart and Light fights it with all his might. Finally the pain becomes too intense he stops resisting and lets it wash over him. Disgusting memories flash in front of his eyes. He lets out a gut wrenching wail.
"Light, are you okay?" L asks with his hand hovering five inches from Light's shoulder. Light looks apologetically into L's eyes.
"What have I done?" Light says limply.
Light wriggles in his bed which is seven feet from Ryuzaki's. The probationary cuffs are still on both of their wrists but the wary detective decided to give them a little slack when they sleep as per Light's request. He tries not to move that much as to not disturb his roommate because he'd rather not speak to L right now.
Ryuzaki was right. I'm Kira. Hundreds of people are dead by my hand. He looks at his hands, horrified. Memories flash through his eyes less like a conventional memory and more like a horror movie. He watches himself plot and scheme. Even now he's planning how to get out of being put to death (though he gets nowhere due to the rather large pit in his stomach). Who am I? Am I Kira or Light? While it's true that I feel differently about Kira now, I still feel disgusted with myself. Even though I feel that Kira is a righteous god and that I did a good deed by using the Death Note, I don't want to fight against Ryuzaki and the other task force members. Still, I need to cleanse this world of its impurities.
"Light?! Snap out of it," L sternly commands, lightly shaking him, obviously woken up from Light's shuffling. His fingers drill into Light's skin and his touch makes him feel sick with guilt. I planned to kill Ryuzaki. I planned to kill my only friend by erasing my memories to get close to him. I feel sick. Light starts to dry heave over the side of the bed with the putrid thought. L tries to pat his back but his hand gets swatted away.
"You were right," Light chokes out.
"About what?" Ryuzaki says hesitantly, sounding like he knows what Light is talking about. The 25 year old obviously never has dealt with an emotional person before
"It's okay," L says while he awkwardly pats his near hysterical roommate. Light looks at his best friend and laughs, finding dark humor in the fact that they would've never met and befriended L if he wasn't Kira.
"If you are beyond any reconciliation I can give you I can call for Watari to take you to a specialist," Ryuzaki seriously asks. Light now wants nothing more than to go back to the life he had before. He wants to be able to look at L without feeling on guard; he wants to smile at him without feeling guilty. How do I ever come back from this? Light thinks.
"What would you do if I was Kira?" Light blurts out and regrets it. But the question rolls around in his head and now he genuinely wants to know. Still, a tiny voice in the back of his head tells him to not make Ryuzaki even more suspicious than he is already. He would say that his inner voice sounds something that Kira would say but then he remembers he is Kira.
"What are you talking about?" Ryuzaki asks.
"Answer me!" Light shouts, reaching for Ryuzaki's hand. Now that the question has planted itself in Light's inquisitive head, he needs to know (though he's not sure why). Light clutches L's hand like a life line to his sanity and he stares at L's dark orbs of eyes that look sadly back at him.
"What would I do if you were Kira?" he says slowly, as if testing the question "When I first met you I probably would've responded, without hesitation, I would put you into jail. But now…" his voice and eyes trail off. He tries to untangle his hand from Light's but Light cradles Ryuzaki's hand in two of his.
"What would you do now?" Kira says desperately.
"I don't know. Spending my time with you and the taskforce makes me feel as though I'm part of family thus making me question my views on humans," he pauses, looking like he wants sweets to distract him "I mean to say that I want to protect those who are close to me." Light smiles at the confused detective with him sitting on his bed and Ryuzaki sitting on his own bed. He decides to migrate next to Ryuzaki, so that he could confess.
"Ryuzaki, I have to tell you something."
"I don't want to know," he abruptly says "I don't want you to tell me anything. I believe in you with my whole being and, if it's really important, I want to figure everything out on my own." Light shoots a surprised look at Ryuzaki. He looks at the detective's drooping eyes and head and smiles. He snakes his arm around Ryuzaki's head to pull the side of his head to his own. Light's arm returns to his side and his eyes droop. He thinks about how nice it is to have someone to believe in you. He smiles at how L is so blatant about how he's willing to overlook Light's crimes. Before Light goes to sleep he wonders if the part of him that is happy that Ryuzaki is willing to sacrifice himself for him is the Kira part of him.
Author's Note: Thanks for reading! I'm planning to have this story be two or three chapters long. Oh and sorry if Light and/or Ryuzaki seem out of character but it's really hard to write them and sorry for making this chapter so short.