Simon flung his computer to the other end of his bed and curled up into a ball as angry, broken tears fell down his face. He wanted to scream and yell and curse. He wanted to break something if only so he could see that his heart wasn't the only thing breaking.
Instead, he curled in on himself tighter and tighter until he felt like he couldn't breathe, but too scared to loosen himself lest he falls apart. He could hear his phone buzzing on the nightstand but he couldn't bring himself to check.
Simon shuddered as another set of sobs racked their way through his body, this wasn't fair, wasn't right. They were at college for god's sake, weren't people supposed to be more grown up here, less…douche-like? Evidently not.
The hours ticked by and Simon fell into an uneasy sleep, the sound of his broken heart and irregular sobs the only noise that could be heard. Morning came round too soon and bright sunlight streamed through Simons window forcing him to wake and face reality.
Slowly Simon reached over and grabbed his phone from the nightstand. He scrolled through all the notifications he'd received over the course of the night. Some from a few of his newer friends he'd made asking if he was okay, a lot of them were from unknown numbers full of hate or crude explicit messages, he deleted those without opening them.
Then there was the group chat he and his best friends were part of. Simon opened it up, at first, the messages were supportive and kind but by the end, the messages were accusatory and demanding, they'd apparently discovered what Simon had done to try and keep his secret.
They were mad, Simon couldn't blame them. What he'd done was horrible, at least in his eyes it was. Anything that happened to him was clearly deserved right? This was Karma. He didn't reply to his now clearly ex-best friends, couldn't think of the words that would accurately convey how terrible he felt.
Then it hit him, Blue didn't know, or at least he didn't think he knew. Last Simon knew Blue was chilling in Savannah with his Dad and wouldn't have internet while he was there, he was due back anytime over the next couple of days though.
Simon grabbed his laptop from the end of the bed and all but ripped it open, he quickly closed the tab with that stupid post on and opened up his Gmail account. Once logged in he started composing a new email
To: bluegreen118 From: Subject: I'm so Sorry Blue Dear Blue,
You're probably wondering whats with the subject of the email. I'll cut the rambles and get right too it.
I've been outed Blue All of college knows I'm gay. Which probably means you know who I am, or you will not long after you get this especially if you use the Tumblr. I'm so sorry it happened like this Blue but please I'm begging you with all I have left, please don't leave me too.
Love Jacques Simon checked over the email a couple of times, checking for any mistakes in his grammar. Not that it really mattered at this point, but it felt good to do something even vaguely normal. With a sigh, he hit send, clicked onto Spotify and put on "the great depression" before curling back into a ball.
He didn't move from bed for the rest of the day.
BRAM
Bram was pretty happy with life at the moment if he dares say it. He was getting good grades at college, he'd made some good friends and was part of the soccer team, his weekend with his dad had been pretty enjoyable and he was emailing this guy Jacques who was pretty incredible. He was on his way back to college when everything changed.
As he crossed the invisible barrier on the way back to college that somehow meant his internet worked again his phone was bombarded with texts and Facebook notifications that he'd missed while he'd been away. He began to filter through them all until he came to the familiar sign of a new email notification, his heart skipped a beat.
At first messaging Jacques had made his heart skip out of fear and uncertainty but they'd been emailing for long enough and gotten to know each other well enough now, that his heart skipped for an entirely different reason.
He eagerly opened up the Gmail app and waited impatiently for his inbox to load. His smile dropped pretty quick when it did. There, at the top of his new emails was one titled
"I'm so sorry Blue"
His heart thudding in his chest Bram opened the email, his eyes widened in dismay and shock as he read the short message before he quickly exited the app. He debated for a couple of seconds before swiping over and opening up the Tumblr. The post itself sat at the top of the page being reblogged by literally everyone it seemed.
Bram soaked up all the details, saw the crude message that read:
"Simon Spier is an unapologetic and flamboyant homosexual who thinks he can get away with a secret relationship online. Blue if you're reading this you can probably do so much better than this pile of trash but if anyone does fancy a turn with Simon Queer he can be contacted at (XXX) XXX-XXXX
and the attachments that served as proof. His jaw dropped when he saw they were emails, more specifically his and Jacques emails. Holy shit! Simon Spier was his internet pen pal, Simon who he'd crushed on since they started college and bumped into each other at English class. Simon who permanently had a smile on his face and a laugh in his moon grey eyes.
Bram was momentarily filled with joy as his internet crush and real-life crush came together into one, but it was quickly doused by a bucket of guilt, shame and anxiety. Simon clearly hadn't been careful enough with his emails which is how someone got hold of them.
This could mean people were on the lookout for Blue, trying to guess who he is, figure out his identity. All Bram could picture was some genius figuring out the small clues he'd left and finding out his secret. His brain painting a picture of being surrounded by people laughing and pointing and whispering about him.
"I'm sorry Simon, I can't do this" Bram whispered to himself.
He flicked back across to his email and before he could second-guess himself typed in his response.
"Dear Simon,
I'm sorry you got outed, no-one deserves to be outed like that. But if someone has seen our emails it means they could figure out who I am and I'm not ready for that I'm sorry. If they didn't have our emails things would be different but this hurts too much. All the things I've never told anyone are now out and open. I'm sorry Simon but I can't do this. Goodbye"
Blue"
Tears in his eyes Bram pressed send, heard the whooshing sound as the email left his drafts and before he could stop himself deleted his account and with it, the last piece of his heart.
3 WEEKS LATER
SIMON
The only people Simon spoke to, hell the only people Simon interacted with at all were Garett Laughlin and Bram Greenfeld from the soccer team. Simon wasn't sure why either, he hadn't sought them out, didn't think Garrett even knew he existed until suddenly, around the third week of Simon being outed, he just materialised from nowhere one day shoving away some pricks who decided to turn Simon a lovely shade of purple and blue.
Not a day later Garrett was joined in his bodyguard duties by none other than Bram Greenfeld who constantly looked at Simon with guilt in his eyes even though Simon didn't know why and was always the last to leave him alone at the classes they didn't share.
Simon was quietly pleased that Bram still wanted to be around him though, they never spoke much to each other but Simon had a feeling that Bram just understood him. That's why Simon had crushed on him so hard before all this shit had gone down. He wouldn't let himself feel that now though, refused to drag anyone down with him, hell he didn't even know if Bram was gay.
Simon was a mess, he'd admit that without anyone's help. Ever since he'd received that email from Blue he'd spiralled down the rabbit hole until only a shell of the original Simon Spier was left. Looking back, that first week had been the hardest emotionally, he'd been the subject of ridicule by practically all of college (so much for maturity) his dorm room door had been spray painted with slurs so many times he'd stopped trying to clean it.
His friends didn't talk to him, and no-one else approached him unless of course, it was to insult and belittle him, usually followed by something physical. His second week hadn't felt much better, that was until he'd decided to get drunk one night, then magically for that night his problems hadn't seemed all that real.
He'd had to deal with a different problem in the morning but at least that had been self-inflicted he reasoned.
GARETT
Garett new everything, he knew who Blue was and what Jacques meant to him. He knew that Simons friends had left him and he had no-one. He knew that for that first week Simon had only left his room for three lectures and nothing else.
He knew that it was tearing his best friend apart and how full of regret he was at sending that email, he was also aware that Bram had tried four times to talk to Simon about it but, before he could even leave the dorm they shared, had been rendered useless by panic attacks which reduced his best friend to choking heaving messes.
So yes, Garett Laughlin was quite in the know for a soccer player. What he hadn't been aware of though was the physical abuse that Simon was being put through, so when he saw three pricks from the football team laying into a floored Simon he hadn't hesitated before sending them on their way and making the executive decision to become Simon's personal bodyguard.
He'd told Bram about what he'd witnessed and before he could even finish his sentence Bram had volunteered to stand by his side.
3 MONTHS LATER
SIMON
A knock came at his door and Simon jumped slightly before wincing as a familiar twinge of pain shot through his ribs, as good as bodyguards Garett and Bram were they simply couldn't be with him all the time. His "regular" bullies seemed to have figured this out too and planned a scheduled beating whenever they could. As Simon opened the door he restrained himself from rolling his eyes when he found Garett and Bram stood there.
"You know I haven't had a chance to buy anything else to drink since you confiscated my shit last time Laughlin, the place is clean"
Simon was only slightly irritated that his room was now swept for alcohol by his only friends but Garett had shown up one night when Simon hadn't left his room and found him slumped against his bedroom wall with an empty bottle of vodka beside him and three more on the desk (from other nights that week) Simon knew he had a problem but he wasn't that bad…right?
Garett now saw it as his responsibility to make sure that Simon didn't become a college alcoholic, Simon wasn't sure how he felt about that. Surprisingly it was Bram that spoke up first
"Actually we're here to kidnap you so you can drink while under adult supervision" he finished with a small smile
During the weeks that had followed Bram, Simon and Garett going round together Bram and Simon had become quite good friends. Not speaking often but choosing his words with care he was one of the only people who could make Simon smile no matter what mood he was in and he genuinely seemed to care.
Garett was obviously great too and Simon would be forever grateful for the sacrifices Garett had made for him but he just felt like he had a connection with Bram that he couldn't explain.
"Kidnap me where?" Simon squinted at the pair suspiciously
"We are going out to a bar Spier and you can't escape it so go shower and come on, the night is wasting and so are we"
Simon did roll his eyes this time but knowing he wouldn't get rid of the two at his door he opened it wider and let them in, slightly grateful for the fact that he'd cleaned a few hours earlier.
When Simon came out of his shower both boys were sat on the bed discussing soccer, Simon slipped on his shoes, pocketed his wallet and his phone and cleared his throat announcing he was ready to go.
As one they all left the dorm and before Simon quite knew what was happening he was in the first bar of the night…or should he say the first gay bar of the night. He should have known the other two were planning something.
Deciding to make the best of it he took Garrett up on his offer of shots and three of them later was feeling decidedly less unhappy about being out of his apartment on a Friday night. What he wasn't happy about however was the fact that Garett seemed desperate to get him some guys number by the end of the night, no matter whose it was.
No matter how many times Simon explained he didn't want that, he didn't feel ready for that yet Garrett seemed convinced that's what he needed. Simon just rolled his eyes and looked to Bram for support who just offered him a small smile in return, Simon was just drunk enough that he missed the sad eyes that accompanied it.
**A couple of hours earlier**
BRAM
"What do you mean we need to get Simon drunk and out there?" Bram questioned while making quotation marks around "out there". "You just took his bottle of vodka off of him".
Garett nodded before responding "If we take him out with us we can watch him make sure he doesn't go too far, and you know what I mean by out there man, he needs to see that its okay to be gay and that he shouldn't have to hide it"
"As much as I love you man and it pains me to say it, he needs to meet someone even if its just a one-night thing and if it's not gonna be you then he has a right to find someone else"
Bram let Garett's words sink in before responding "Fine" he sighed miserably "let's get him out there, for his sake more than anything"
**Back to the bar**
"Can we move onto the next bar?" Bram questioned Garett who nodded happily, Simon just looked at Bram and shot him a small smile to show he was okay with it.
They went into a couple of different gay bars and in each one Simon declined anyone who came to talk to him, often resorting to sly and underhand tactics to get out of conversations he didn't want to be a part.
Garett and Bram watched the goings on, politely turning people away and explaining they were just here for their friend. Bram watched as Garett downed two of the shots in front of him before turning to Bram and saying
"I may not be entirely straight" before bursting into fits of giggles.
Bram gaped at his best friend but before he could say anything Garett continued
"In all seriousness, though I think I'm pansexual"
he looked Bram in the eye for all of three seconds before bursting into fits of laughter again
"Wow that was easier than I thought it was gonna be, thank you alcohol"
Bram just smiled at his friend
"I'm glad you could tell me, even if you are pissed off your head. How about we talk more in the morning yeah?"
Garett just nodded before announcing"Hey wheres Spier? He disappeared ages ago for drinks"
Bram realised that with the way Garett and Simon had been drinking he was gonna have to be the responsible party tonight and decidedly put down the rest of his beer, thankful he'd only had a few before coming to that conclusion.
As if by magic Simon appeared from a gap in the crowds and made his way over to their table with a couple more shots and a couple more beers, which Bram declined. Simon shrugged, before smirking at Bram and downing the shots and then chasing it down with a gulp of beer.
Bram refused to acknowledge what that smirk did to him.
SIMON
Simon knew he was very drunk, he also didn't really care. However, he did care enough to know that the guy who had bought him a couple of drinks at the bar would probably be hunting for him looking for some sort of "payment" and that thought sent a shudder down his spine.
So he leant over to Bram who was watching him with a gentle look in his eye and asked if they could go to a different bar instead, Bram nodded but made it clear that this really should be everyone's last trip, they had after all been out for about 5 hours and it was passing the 1 AM mark.
Simon and Garrett readily agreed and together they began to make their way over to the final bar of the night. Garett was walking ahead, singing loudly off key and pretending to dance which left Simon walking with Bram.
He bumped Bram gently with his shoulder "Hey, you okay? You haven't really drank tonight"
Bram chuckled "Well someones gotta make sure no-one dies right? Don't worry, I've got a pleasant buzz going on now though so I'm not too mad about it"
Simon grinned dopily but before he could turn away Bram was asking him a question
"How come you haven't got with anyone tonight, don't you think it would help maybe?"
Simon considered the question for a moment and when he answered he sounded surprisingly sober
"I don't want to just hook up with any random stranger, I don't want it to be a drunk night of mistakes that comes back the next morning. I wanna learn the person inside and out, I wanna know who they are you know?"
"I never had trouble accepting that I am what I am, but I lost a lot when I was forced out of the closet, I lost friends, I lost respect and I lost the one thing I love the most"
Bram all but whispered his next question
"What was that?"
Simon just shot him a small smile "Blue, I lost Blue. The one person I love more than I could ever say. It was my fault I got outed and I nearly outed him too but by keeping this focus on me then I protect him. He deleted his email to keep himself safe and maybe I should hate him for leaving me but honestly, I understand more than anything"
"Wherever he is, I just hope he's happy and safe and with people he loves because he deserves it so freaking much"
Before Simon could hear Bram's response Garett shouted at them from a bit further up the street "HURRY UP LOSERS"
Shooting one last grin at Bram Simon sped up his pace.
BRAM
Bram's mind was reeling from the information that Simon had given him. Simon who even now was still trying to protect him just as Bram did him from the bullies. That was why Simon refused to go home with anyone else because at the end of the day he still loved blue.
When he finally caught up to the others he noticed the bar they were standing outside of "Seriously…a karaoke bar?"
"Sure why not Greenfeld" Garett chuckled, "If it's our last stop then might as well make it count right?"
Bram just sighed in resignation before following him in.
Music was blasting away through overly large speakers and someone who couldn't really sing but was too drunk to care was singing some song about teenage dreams. As they fought their way through the crowd to find space at a table Bram couldn't help but notice how a fair number of the guys were shooting looks in their direction, or more specifically at Simon.
Once they found a spot Simon volunteered to get drinks and before Bram could protest he disappeared into the crowd and he lost sight of him. It felt like Simon had just dived into shark-infested waters and now he was anyone's game. The thought didn't sit well with Bram.
Not five minutes had passed through before Simon all but dived back in front of our table looking slightly crazed. Bram reached out to put a hand on his arm to steady him
"Woah man whats going on, you okay?"
"Men are animals" he spits out "trust me to be attracted to this goddam gender huh"
Just as he finishes his sentence a boy who looks slightly older than Simon squeezes through the crowd and settles at the table next to Simon who visibly tenses as the guy lays an arm over his shoulder.
He has to yell to be heard over the music but Bram can hear most of what he's saying "I saw you leave the other bar earlier and well I just couldn't resist following that sweet ass and offering you another drink, then maybe we could take this back to my place"
They guys hand is slowly making its way down Simons back and I don't know where Garrett's disappeared to but this isn't an ideal situation and all the back up we could get would have been appreciated. Just as Bram steeled himself to sort the situation out Simon spoke up and span out the guys' grip
"I have a better idea," Simon says sending a small smirk at the guy "how about before we go anywhere I have a little go on the karaoke machine so you can see what you'll be getting tonight"
SIMON
This is the exact reason I don't do shit like this Simon thought because it always ends in trouble. He sees the guys face light up at the suggestion of the karaoke machine, clearly thinking Simon was going to serenade him with some sort of sex-infused pop song.
Simon shoots a look a Bram who just looks shocked, Simon tries to convey that that isn't going to happen and Bram seems to understand because he looks slightly calmer. Simon makes his way over to the karaoke waitlist and puts his name down, it's not a busy night and he's up next, as soon as the couple in front have finished their sickeningly heterosexual duet.
Soon enough it's Simons turn and he's up on stage, he's sung this song enough times over the past few weeks when drunk in his room that he doesn't need to look at the lyrics. The music starts up and Simon lets the beat wash over him and the drunk part of his brain to take over as he begins to sing:
Weep for yourself, my man,
You'll never be what is in your heart Weep Little Lion Man,
You're not as brave as you were at the start Rate yourself and rake yourself,
Take all the courage you have left Wasted on fixing all the problems That you made in your own head
But it was not your fault but mine And it was your heart on the line I really fucked it up this time Didn't I, my dear?
Didn't I, my
Tremble for yourself, my man,
You know that you have seen this all before Tremble Little Lion Man,
You'll never settle any of your scores Your grace is wasted in your face,
Your boldness stands alone among the wreck Now learn from your mother or else spend your days Biting your own neck
But it was not your fault but mine And it was your heart on the line I really fucked it up this time Didn't I, my dear?
Didn't I, my dear?
Ahhhhh...
But it was not your fault but mine And it was your heart on the line I really fucked it up this time Didn't I, my dear?
Didn't I, my dear?
BRAM Bram watched as Simon headed up onto the stage, the guy that wanted to take Simon home practically salivating on the table at the thought of how his evening was going to end, and then the music started and Simon was singing I felt like I'd been hit in the chest.
His voice was perfect, it wasn't smooth the way pop artists where but it held the raw emotion he was clearly trying to portray in the song, his voice scratched on some notes and broke on others but no one could deny that Simon was one hell of a singer.
The guy grumbled something about "clearly not getting any" and Bram turned to watch him stalk off in a huff through the crowd when he turned back to see Simon he found Simons eyes already locked on his.
He gave Simon an encouraging smile, unsure if Simon could even see him in the pulsing lights but Simon seemed to perk up slightly and began dancing around as he sang, theatre apparently was improving his rhythm and coordination.
I listened to the lyrics of the song, it seemed rather self-deprecating as if Simon was blaming himself for his problems and…someone else's. Simon didn't just choose this song to get rid of the guy, he chose it so he could express how he felt.
How he felt about Blue?
Bram swept his gaze around one last time to see if he could find Garett and when he came up short turned back to Simon who was coming to the end of his song. As the last couple of lines trickled through his lips, Simon looked Bram direct in the eye, and Bram gazed back.
"I really fucked it up this time Didn't I my dear Didn't I my dear"
Simon stepped off the stage to a smattering of applause and came over to Bram, looking relieved when he saw Bram was alone.
"So how'd you like my song?" he asked
Bram opened his mouth to respond but no sound came out, he was torn, not wanting to let Simon know who he was yet also knowing that Simon at least deserved the truth.
"Bram? You okay?" Simon asked looking slightly concerned
"I um, yeah, hey can I talk to you outside?" Bram managed to say
Simon nodded looking puzzled before grabbing Bram's arm and dragging him through the crowd and into the cool air outside.
Bram took a deep breath "I haven't been entirely honest with you for the past few months and usually I wouldn't even be able to talk to you but I've had a drink and I know I'll have regrets in the morning so I might as well add another to the list"
Bram clenched his eyes shut and tensed his shoulders before announcing "Simon…I'm Blue"
An agonising few seconds pass before Bram feels an arm wrap around his neck and before he knows it he's being pulled into Simons warm embrace
"Thank you for telling me, I can imagine why it wasn't easy"
Simons gentle tone is all it takes to set Bram off and before he knows it he's sobbing apologies into Simons' shoulder and Simons gently rubbing his back and nothing ever felt so right to Bram than being here with this boy right now.
He finally calms down enough to ask
"You're not surprised or disappointed it's me?"
Simon just shakes his head
"I had my suspicions but you never said anything and I won't ever force someone to admit something like that, but the connection I had with blue over email I kinda felt in real life with you, nothing ever seemed to be forced or fake and I could hear your voice when I read the emails. I could never be disappointed it was you, Bram, I've crushed on you so hard since we met at English class and then felt guilty about it because of Blue. Admittedly I was pretty upset when you deleted your email but I totally get why you did it, no one deserves to be outed and I can't blame you for keeping yourself safe. I shouldn't have been so careless about the emails"
"I guess we both made mistakes huh?" Bram whispers "But if you want, we could start over, we could start as Bram and Simon?
Simon grinned "Bram Greenfeld are you asking me to be your boyfriend?"
Bram grinned back at him "That's exactly what I'm asking Mr Spier"
"I'd be delighted to accept"
***Next Morning***
SIMON
Simon awoke in a warm embrace and feeling a lot more content than he had in a long time, he wriggled around until he came face to face with Bram who, disturbed by the movement, opened a sleepy eye and shot a tired grin at Simon
"Oh good, I didn't dream last night"
"Nope we most certainly didn't and some god must be looking down on us because I don't even have a hangover" Simon responds
Bram chuckles before opening his eyes fully and gazing into Simons, Simons breathe hitches slightly as they stare at one another and his eyes quickly dart down to Bram's lips.
"Bram, I really want to kiss you right now"
"Then kiss me" is all the response he gets before he hesitantly moves in and captures Bram's lips with his own. Its slow and gentle and, as far as first kisses go, pretty damn perfect Simon thinks. They brake apart and smile softly at each other before Simon buries his head in Bram's shoulder.
"Hey did we ever find Garett last night? I can't actually remember much after our conversation"
"He sent me a text on our way home saying that he was going with this guy Cal to get a bite to eat, and then about an hour later he sent me a picture of the two of them in the park on the swings holding hands with the caption "definitely not straight"
Simon just laughs "Yeah, straight isn't really the default anymore"
Bram can't help but agree as he tugs the smaller boy closer to his chest For the first time in a long while, Simon finally feels like he's home.