Date: written - August 15 th, 2006; translated - April 5th, 2007
Reflection of Fear
Author's Note: This is my first fanfiction of Star Trek Voyager, at least the first one I publish. Of course I have written this story on my own, but one passage is inspired by a fanfiction I've read some time ago. The verses are out of the song 'Memory' from the Musical Cats.
I want to thank Riley Mackenzie., although I dare to doubt she will ever read this, and my soul mate Sweetie, who had to suffer my rapture for ST Voyager for such a long time. hug ya
Author's Note 2: Actually, this story is in German, so please forgive me if this English version isn't that good. I know I'm pretty bad at foreign languages, so I really hope you'll understand it.
Disclaimer: Characters belong to Paramount.
Summary: A short and sad story about our favourite Lieutenants Paris and Torres.
Category: Angst, Torture (Character Death). Rated PG-13.
Reflection of Fear
By K'Leena
Midnight
Not a sound from the pavement
Has the moon lost her memory?
She is smiling alone
In the lamplight
The withered leaves collect at my feet
And the wind begins to moan
"What time is it?"
::23 hours and 36 minutes.::
"Set light on 50 percent."
B'Elanna entered slowly the bedroom of her quarters; a rough day in engineering has passed by. Once again she had lost herself in work, just to forget the past for a few hours. And to forget "him".
After B'Elanna had slipped out of her sweaty clothes hurriedly, she put her nightgown on. "He" had given it her. Memories flowed over her mind, but she tried to drive them away.
Exhausted B'Elanna laid herself onto the bed. It seemed so good to relax after these many hours of work.
"Computer. Turn off the light."
The computer piped quietly, the room sank into darkness, only a few stars lit this part of the galaxy.
Like in all the other nights before, she felt lonely and sad. While her duty she didn't think a lot about the past events, but when she was alone, she couldn't stop the wave of emotions in her inside. And as hard as she tried to refuse the thought of him, every time, when she laid in this bed and closed her eyes, she saw "him" again. These eyes. "His" deep blue eyes.
Silently a tear rolled down her cheek. So she stared out in the emptiness of the universe taciturnly till she finally fell asleep.
Memory
All alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the old days
I was beautiful then
I remember a time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again
When B'Elanna awoke the next morning, she didn't feel any better than the evening before. Her head ached and she was still tired.
"Light, full power."
"What time is it?"
::9 hours and 13 minutes.::
B'Elanna groaned. In about two hours she had to work again. Sleepily she shoved the blanket back and got up. On her tip toes she went to the bathroom, then looked in the mirror. But what she saw, wasn't the B'Elanna she had known once.
The woman in the reflection had dark circles around her big, glassy eyes. She was pale and skinny. Her look was empty and lifeless. Lifeless. That was just the way she felt.
B'Elanna bent down, opened the water cock and drank one gulp. When she got up again, her heart nearly stopped. Full of panic she turned around and looked suddenly in a pair of deep blue eyes. It was Tom.
"No", whispered the half-Klingon. "I'm losing my mind!"
"Hello, B'Elanna", said Tom with his soft voice, a smile laid on his lips.
"You aren't here! You're dead!" she answered anxiously.
"I'm here, believe me", he replied calmly.
"Okay, I'm going crazy. Maybe I should…"
"B'Elanna, I missed you. I missed you so much", said the fair-haired man, while his eyes shined bright with unshed tears. "I want to hold you again."
B'Elanna couldn't think straight. She stood together with Tom's ghost in her bathroom, every second it became stranger.
Interchangeably she turned hot and cold. Her heart was beating so fast, that B'Elanna thought, it would jump out of her chest right now. And even though she could hear her blood whooshing into her head, she had the feeling, her groggy knees would slump down and she would faint.
Tom Paris stood in front of her. His eyes shined like they always did.
"Why are you here? You're dead!", she screamed with a trembling voice.
"Yes", was his answer, "I'm dead. You saw me die."
"Why are you here?" B'Elanna repeated her question, while tears ran down her face. Her senses bucked against asking this question at all, because she actually should know, that this scene couldn't be real, that he couldn't be real. However, her heart told her Tom was with her here, just in that moment. The warmth of his deep blue eyes, his tender voice and this impish smile – all these things let her longing for him win over her mind.
"You didn't cry when I died", said Tom, took a step towards the now-crying woman and pulled her slowly into his arms. To embrace B'Elanna once again, that was the only thing he wanted to. He wanted to remember, how she felt, how her hair smelled and just the way to hold her in his arms.
Yes, she hadn't cried. She just couldn't have done this. She couldn't found the tears to express her pain. Because nothing could have shown in the minute of Tom's death how terrible she felt. In addition to that the Doctor had explained to her that people in shock often can't cry. But also she knew that she had to cry someday, that the pain would only get worse if she never cry. And because of that she cried now. Now she could do it, Tom was back. He would always be there for her.
B'Elanna didn't want to let go of Tom ever again. If this was a dream, it seemed very real for her. When she could hear his heartbeat in his chest, she felt that something in her was still alive. Her love for Tom.
"Stay with me. I don't want to lose you again", whispered B'Elanna.
"I would give anything for that, B'Elanna. But I can't", he answered sadly.
"Why do you come back just to leave me again?" called B'Elanna desperately.
Tom looked into her eyes. He saw fear, sorrow and many unanswered questions.
"I never wanted to leave you", he told her, "I love you, B'Elanna."
B'Elanna closed her eyes and the day of Tom's death came back to her mind
Every streetlamp seems to beat
A fatalistic warning
Someone mutters in the streetlamp gutters
And soon it will be morning
"The wormhole is destabilizing!"
B'Elanna worked desperately at her station ignoring Harry's warning. She didn't want this to happen.
"I need thirty seconds. I can enhance the energy fluence. It should stabilize the wormhole long enough to get him out of there."
She didn't react to the comments of her peer, she had to concentrate, she had to work faster. Tom's life depended on that. When the console started the process, she silenty counted the seconds it needed down. It would work, it just had to.
Ten.
"The parameters show a dangerous high radiation level."
Nine.
"Lieutenant, we need the energy, now."
Eight.
"Just a few second till…"
Seven.
"The sensors record the loss of the shuttle's shields, the structural field of integrity is destabilizing."
Six.
"The wormhole is collapsing!"
Five.
"Captain, we're too close. The Voyager could get captured by the radiation. We have to distance for the ship's security."
Four.
"The energy fluence turns down."
Three.
"The wormhole is gone."
Two.
"No!!"
She had been so close.
B'Elanna couldn't react; everything inside her broke to pieces.
So close.
"Lieutenant."
Shaking her head she didn't notice the reaction of the others.
He couldn't be gone.
That couldn't be the end.
Of them.
Of him.
It just couldn't be.
There had to be anything they could do.
Anything she could do.
Tom was gone.
But she didn't want this; she didn't want to accept this.
There were still so many things they had wanted to do.
"Chakotay, please, we have to do something."
"B'Elanna, we lost him."
Chakotay laid his hands onto her shoulders and pulled her into his arms. She wanted to defend herself, but there was nothing giving her the strength to do so.
The wormhole was gone.
Tom was gone.
And a part of B'Elanna was gone
Daylight
I must wait for the sunrise
I must think of a new life
And I musn't give in
When the dawn comes
Tonight will be a memory too
And a new day will begin
B'Elanna nearly jumped out of the bed, as if she had been shot. Her heart rushed with warp-speed and tears wetted her cheeks. Suddenly she realized she was in Tom's quarters.
"What time is it?"
:: 9 hours und 13 minutes::
Slowly she turned to the bed again; there was Tom's teddy bear. She was definitely in Tom's quarters. Her thought were running in a circle. She wasn't sure what had happened. With trembling fingers the young woman took the blanket and snuffled on it. That was Tom's smell. Tom's blanket.
Like being in trance B'Elanna felt the soft material on her face, sat down onto the bed and took the teddy into her hand. Sobbing she hold it against her body.
"Compuer, locate Tom Paris."
:: Tom Paris is on Holodeck two::
"Locate Tom Paris."
Again the half-Klingon got the same reply.
Unsettled, holding the blanket and the teddy still in her hands, B'Elanna got up and left the quarters.
Burnt out ends of smokey days
The stale, cold smell of morning
The streetlamp dies
Another night is over
Another day is dawning
When the door of the holodeck opened, she heard laughter, definitely Tom's laughter.
"No, that can't be happening! " she whispered full of fear, but then entered the holodeck.
The laughter turned louder. B'Elanna was standing in a forest, it was warm here and some sunbeams shined through the treetops.
"Who ever had the nerve to create this program, will die", she thought angrily, but suddenly her breath stopped.
Tom stood in front of her. Naomi Wildman was holding his hand.
"Tom?" B'Elanna breathed.
It looked insane. She looked insane. B'Elanna was standing there on the holodeck wearing a nightgown and still holding the teddy and the blanket in her hands.
"B'Elanna", Tom asked confused, "Is everything okay?"
But B'Elanna didn't react to his question.
"Ouch! B'Elanna! What's wrong with you?" the fair-haired man exclaimed, when his girlfriend pinched his arm. Naomi stood clueless next to them and didn't say anything.
"Computer. Delete the holographic image of Tom Paris." B'Elanna stared at him. Nothing happened.
"Are you alive?" whispered the desperate woman finally. Without waiting for his answer, she wrapped her arms round him.
"Yes, I'm alive", Tom said smiling and put his arms around B'Elanna in return. "Naomi picked some flowers for you."
Naomi nodded. B'Elanna parted from Tom and took the small bouquet of half-katarian girl.
"Thanks", she told her sincerely and a smile appeared on Naomi's lips.
Everything was so confusing. Tom was dead, wasn't he?
Tom and B'Elanna said goodbye to the young girl and then went back to Tom's quarters.
"Well, what has actually happened?" Tom wanted to know finally.
"I woke up in my quarters, everything hurts. When I looked in the mirror of the bathroom, I saw you! But you couldn't be there, you were dead! You died on a shuttle-flight, in a destabilizing wormhole."
Tom listened to her, he noticed, how serious she was about this.
"You came back and told me, that I wouldn't have cried when you died. He…you were right. I didn't cry, I just couldn't do it. You were gone so suddenly and I...", B'Elanna started to sob. Comforting Tom laid an arm around her.
"And…then…then I saw, how…how you died", she added under tears. "Tell me, that everything was a dream! Tell me, you aren't dead!"
"Hush, everything's fine, 'Lanna", he replied tenderly, "I'm not dead. It was a nightmare, just a nightmare."
Touch me
It's so easy to leave me
All alone with the memory
Of my days in the sun
If you touch me
You'll understand what happiness is
Look, a new day has begun
The two sat on Tom's bed for a long time. Slowly B'Elanna calmed, and they both got up to go to work.
"I love you", Tom breathed in B'Elanna's ear and kissed her softly
"I love you, too"
While Tom had already left the quarters, B'Elanna dressed herself, because she had been still wearing that nightgown Tom had given her.
When Tom entered the turbolift, he was still lost in his thoughts. He had never seen B'Elanna so shaken. Never so vulnerable. He had seen the fear in her eyes, the great fear to get left. Never again Tom wanted to experience B'Elanna so idiopathic . He wouldn't leave her.
Never.
The End.
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