Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 5
EPISODE 17
Airdate: February 6, 2017
"Super Bowl Story Box IV"
Special Guest Stars: Ron Howard as Himself, John Madden as Himself, Joe Buck as Himself, Troy Aikman as Himself, Erin Andrews as Herself, Chris Myers as Himself, Kira Kosarin as Lynne
#TYH517
SCENE 1
(The instrumental to "Faith" by George Michael starts playing in the background)
Several different celebrities, such as Chris Pratt, John Witherspoon, Will Friedle, Rakim, Dave Chappelle, Rob Lowe, The Rock, Alyssa Milano, Jennifer Lawrence, Ashley Graham are shown taking their seats.
ROB LOWE: Do I sit down here?
RON HOWARD: Yeah, right there, in front of the white backdrop.
DAVE CHAPPELLE: Wow, so this is really it.
WILL FRIEDLE: No way, this is a real NFL football?
RON HOWARD: Yeah.
WILL FRIEDLE: I can't eat this, can I?
RON HOWARD: No, I wish you could though.
JENNIFER LAWRENCE: I used a fork to scratch my butt before I came out here. Is that okay?
RON HOWARD: Sure, just make sure you burn that fork before anyone uses it.
JOHN WITHERSPOON: What the hell am I doing here? I want to sing, do a little rap, something to get the cutie pies excited.
RON HOWARD: Well, John, you're here to share your favorite Super Bowl moments.
JOHN WITHERSPOON: I mean, it's the Super Bowl. I don't know, it was something with Joe Montana.
THE ROCK: The Super Bowl is a big event in my family.
WILL FRIEDLE: Will Friedle, starting quarterback for the Wyoming Bearcats is in position to make the game-winning play.
RON HOWARD: Will, that's not a real team.
WILL FRIEDLE: Why do you think I said it?
ASHLEY GRAHAM: I don't know what the Super Bowl is. Is that a type of can opener or something?
ALYSSA MILANO: Malcolm Butler with the interception, that was unbelievable.
THE ROCK: The Seahawks went to New Jersey, layeth the smacketh down on the Broncos' candy ass.
JENNIFER LAWRENCE: I once used my tongue as a bowl of chips. Nobody liked it.
RAKIM: The Super Bowl is a big event, you know what I'm saying? I mean, when you're out in New York, you hear about that helmet catch all the time.
DAVE CHAPPELLE: Thanks to the helmet catch, for one night, Eli Manning was better than Tom Brady.
ROB LOWE: I think I used to play football when I was a kid. I sucked.
ALYSSA MILANO: The helmet catch was something historic.
JOHN CENA: The Super Bowl's not just about two teams. It's about two teams playing in the greatest country in the world. It's about millions of people getting together and enjoying their freedom. It's about...
RON HOWARD: John, I don't have all day, can you just tell me what you remember about the Super Bowl?
ASHLEY GRAHAM: I'm looking it up now on my phone. Yeah, Beyonce's gonna perform this year, right?
LISA SIMPSON: I don't know why we waste time watching a barbaric sport when we could be finding a cure for cancer or pressuring our nation's leaders to end climate change.
Beat.
RON HOWARD: Aren't you eight?
CHRIS PRATT: I have this poster of Dan Marino in my room. He smiles at me as he throws the football so I feel protected when I sleep.
RAKIM: Man, when John Elway won his first Super Bowl, you know what I'm saying? That was something else, nah'mean?
ARIANA GRANDE: Oh, I never watch the game. But the halftime show with Whitney was fantastic.
RON HOWARD: She did the national anthem.
ARIANA GRANDE: Yeah, that's what I meant. They got the Rolling Stones once, I'm not into them.
RAKIM: You understand what I'm trying to say?
JENNIFER LAWRENCE: I feel awkward. Well, more awkward than that one time I had no clean underwear...
RAKIM: You feel what I'm preaching?
THE ROCK: This year, you're gonna smell what Houston's cooking.
RON HOWARD: What?
RAKIM: You're in tune with my street verbiage?
RON HOWARD: THAT'S IT! I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! THIS SUCKS!
WILL FRIEDLE: But I never told you about my peewee football boo boo.
RON HOWARD: I don't care. I honestly don't care about anything you guys have to say. This isn't the Super Bowl. You know what? We need to take it up another level. We need a different direction. Someone take that white away, all of it. Strip down the white, make it black. Make it all dark and ominous and whatnot. May George Michael rest in peace, but someone switch the song. I never liked it.
(The instrumental to "Sing for the Moment" by Eminem starts playing in the background.)
RON HOWARD: Yeah, this is it. Let's make this less showy and more introspective. Get the kids, one by one.
All five members of Testicular Sound Express are shown sitting down through multiple camera cuts.
SPARKY: So I just sit down here?
RON HOWARD: Yeah, right there.
RK: Wait, are you Fonzie?
RON HOWARD: No, for the last time, I'm not Fonzie!
RK: So why should I do what you tell me?
BUSTER: What's with the ominous music playing in the background?
JAYLYNN: I can't believe I never got Jennifer Lawrence's autograph.
RON HOWARD: Trust me, you missed absolutely nothing.
SPARKY: So you want me to talk about the Super Bowl?
RON HOWARD: Yup, the 51st game is coming up. How are you feeling?
SPARKY: Are you sure it's coming up? Because the calendar says...
RON HOWARD: I know what it says, let's just say it's coming up. How are you FEELING?
SPARKY: Well, it's a day we all look forward to every year.
RK: I love how for one day, it allows people to pretend to give a shit about football.
BUSTER: I'll always remember the night the Seahawks whooped the Broncos. I smiled like a proud fan watching his only team that made it.
WADE: There's nothing like the Super Bowl. It's an event that can get anyone excited.
JAYLYNN: It's really awesomesauce. I feel like I'm watching this huge Hollywood blockbuster every year.
A clip is shown of the New England Patriots' entrance for Super Bowl LI, followed by a clip of the Atlanta Falcons' entrance.
SPARKY: I cried the night the Patriots beat Seattle. I still don't believe they won.
Smash cuts are shown of highlights from Super Bowl LI, including Robert Alford's pick six, Lady Gaga's halftime show, Stephen Gostkowski's missed field goal, Julian Edelman's catch in the fourth quarter, James White's touchdown run in overtime, and the Patriots' trophy presentation.
The scene ends with a shot of the Vince Lombardi Trophy in front of a large, silver plated 18-karat "LI."
RON HOWARD: I think we have it.
SCENE 2
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
2:03 AM - PACIFIC STANDARD TIME
FEBRUARY 7, 2016 - SUPER BOWL 50
The scene picks up where the previous year's episode left off, with Buster having asked RK to tell him another story.
BUSTER: Look, do you have any more football stories?
RK: I did before you told me you didn't want to hear them. You're on your own now, kid.
BUSTER: Oh, come on. I loved the first story. Let me hear another one.
RK: Oh, really? You loved the first one, eh?
BUSTER: Yeah. You need to hook me up one more time.
RK: Well, Buster, if you're gonna be like a crack addict for my stories, then I'll be your dealer and supply you with what you need. But this is the last story I'm telling you.
BUSTER: Until next year?
RK: Sure, why not? Now, this story is really special. It's about the greatest football game ever played. Would you like to hear it? Would you like to hear about the greatest football game in the history of history?
BUSTER: You're lying. There's no way you know about the greatest football game ever played.
RK: You underestimate me so much, you silly boy. It all starts in the future, around the time of next year's Super Bowl. It was the day after the conference championship games, and it was the day Jaylynn decided to make a bold move.
"The Greatest Football Game Ever Played?"
SCENE 1
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
3:23 PM - PACIFIC STANDARD TIME
JANUARY 23, 2017
Sparky and the rest of the boys are watching TV that day.
VOICEOVER: We now return to NFL's Greatest Games.
BUSTER: What show is this?
WADE: NFL's Greatest Games, he just said it.
BUSTER: What are you talking about? He never told us what the greatest games were. I said, what show is this?
SPARKY: Hey Buster, look. It's Joe Namath.
BUSTER: Hey, it is. I know what this is about! They're talking about NFL's greatest games!
WADE: I can't believe it only takes two hands to choke a person.
Jaylynn walks in at that moment.
JAYLYNN: Hey dudes. What are you watching?
SPARKY: NFL's Greatest Games. They're talking about Super Bowl III in this one.
JAYLYNN: God, that footage looks old. What's so great about Super Bowl III anyway?
RK: How dare you even ask that question? If this were Biblical times, I would put you in the guillotine.
WADE: RK, they used the guillotine during the French Revolution.
RK: Well, I'll just go back in time and reinvent the guillotine for the Bible. Easy as cake.
SPARKY: You see, Jaylynn, with Super Bowl III, it was the first championship won by the AFL. No one gave the New York Jets a chance because they were from the AFL, and they lost the first two Super Bowls.
WADE: So the Baltimore Colts, coming from the NFL, were heavily favored to win. But on that day, the Jets won the Super Bowl in one of the biggest upsets in history.
JAYLYNN: I thought the Super Bowl was an NFL thing. What the hell is this AFL crap?
SPARKY: Well, the AFL was a different league and the first couple Super Bowls were between them and the NFL. You know, before the merger happened.
JAYLYNN: What merger?
RK: If I had earrings, I would wear them just so I could take them off.
JAYLYNN: You know, I wonder if there's ever been any female football players.
WADE: Probably not at the professional level.
RK: Makes sense to me. It's not like girls can play football anyway.
JAYLYNN: Excuse me?
RK: What? In the world of greedy owners, no competition, and CTE, do you really expect women to keep up? I don't.
JAYLYNN: You little son of a bitch. You really think girls aren't talented enough to play.
SPARKY: RK talks out of his behind sometimes. He doesn't even know what he just said.
RK: No, I know what I said. It's not like girls can't play sports, that's just dumb. I just don't see them playing football. They'd die out there.
JAYLYNN: Look, I know you're a guy, RK, and you have to stick up for your gender, but there's no reason why girls can't play football.
RK: And I know you're learning about feminism for the first time so I'll let you know that girls can't handle a sport like that.
JAYLYNN: Do you guys think the same way?
WADE: I mean, physically, guys tend to be stronger than girls which would allow them to play a sport like football.
SPARKY: I mean, there has to be a good reason as to why females aren't in the NFL.
BUSTER: I'm just here so I don't get fined.
JAYLYNN: Okay, I see. You guys are all a bunch of sexist punks.
Jaylynn shakes her head and leaves the house.
SPARKY: Did you have to say that? I mean, did you really have to say that?
RK: Of course. Jaylynn has to know the truth about life. Look, sometimes, people are going to kick you straight in the nuts. I'm just making sure Jaylynn knows that before it's too late.
Beat.
WADE: You don't get out much, do you?
SCENE 2
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
RK and Wade enter the school the next morning.
RK: You know, I liked the second Aunt Viv.
WADE: Yeah, she wasn't as bad as people say. Just a complete opposite of what the first Aunt Viv was, effectively destroying her character.
RK: Hey, if only Will Smith played ball, then...wait, why is Jaylynn standing by my locker like that?
WADE: It probably has something to do with your comments yesterday.
RK: Seriously? Look, I stand by what I said. There's a reason why girls don't play in the NFL. I mean, what does Jaylynn want from me, really?
RK and Wade walk up to Jaylynn.
WADE: Good morning Jaylynn.
JAYLYNN: Shut up, you enabler.
WADE: You know, there was a time where we were actually friends.
RK: Jaylynn, what are you doing waiting for me like I owe you drug money?
JAYLYNN: I want you to take back what you said yesterday.
RK: What, that your hair is too short? I mean, you could try growing it out a little bit more, but I don't care that much.
JAYLYNN: No, dumbass, your football comments. Like just because I'm a girl, I can't play?
RK: Look, Jaylynn, I'm not Eminem. I like girls. I think there are lots of great things girls can do. They can run, they can play basketball, they can swim, they can play soccer, they can wrestle, they can box, they could kick my bum ass in science class any day of the week. But just because I don't see girls playing football at the level of guys, I'm a bad person?
JAYLYNN: A little bit. I don't want to be short changed just because I'm a girl, RK.
RK: Do you want to play in the NFL one day, Jaylynn?
JAYLYNN: No.
RK: THEN WHAT'S THE PROBLEM HERE?!
JAYLYNN: The problem is you don't think girls can hack it in football. Well, I'm gonna prove to you that you're full of shit.
RK: And how do you plan on doing that exactly? Challenging me to a football game to see who's better?
JAYLYNN: That's exactly what I'm gonna do.
RK: Wade, please tell me this isn't happening.
WADE: I'm afraid this isn't a dream, buddy.
JAYLYNN: Look, you obviously think guys can whoop girls' asses in football. If you think you have what it takes, then you can verse me in a game and we'll see who's the best.
RK: I'm not playing you in a one-on-one, Jaylynn. You're being ridiculous.
JAYLYNN: Okay. Then how about I have the Masters of the Universe go up against TSE? Boys versus girls. We'll see who's better then.
RK: You really want to do this? You really want this?
JAYLYNN: Hell yeah. I want this.
RK: Okay, Jaylynn. Boys versus girls, three days before the Super Bowl at Ken Griffey Jr. Park. If I have to style on you just to show you how stupid this is, then so be it.
JAYLYNN: You're on.
WADE: RK, how do you know Sparky and Buster are going to want to play?
RK: Trust me. I know. I can be very persuasive, Wade.
SCENE 3
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
The boys are all eating together.
RK: You have to play in this game, man!
SPARKY: RK, why exactly would we need to play Jaylynn and her girls in a football game?
RK: Because Jaylynn's gone cuckoo bananas and she thinks I'm a sexist now.
BUSTER: Wait a minute. If Jaylynn's team wins, do we have to tie ourselves to the flagpole butt naked for everyone to see?
RK: Hell no.
BUSTER: Oh, good. I'm kinda shy when it comes to my appearance.
SPARKY: Well, can't you at least try talking her out of this? I don't see why we have to go through this.
WADE: She won't budge, Sparky. In her mind, she's making a statement for her gender.
RK: Exactly. Look, I don't know what you're so worried about. We're all better at football than Jaylynn anyway, and I'm pretty sure Halley and them can barely pick up a football as it is. Trust me, they're not even going to try taking this seriously.
SCENE 4
The Hernandez Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That afternoon, the girls have all gathered in Jaylynn's living room.
JAYLYNN: Girls, I gathered you all here today because this game is going to define your legacy. When you're old and grey, and you're wondering why your kids don't call you anymore, you can remember the sacrifice you made to show that girls can play football just as good as guys. Any questions?
HALLEY: Yeah, I have one. Could you please stop signing us up for shit without letting us know first?
JAYLYNN: Halley, I know you want to make this about yourself, but you have to think about what's best for the team.
ANJA: I mean, she does have a point. I've never even played football before.
ASHLEY: Yeah, I don't really see what we're going to accomplish by doing this.
JAYLYNN: The boys don't think we're athletic enough. They think they're just going to run us off the field. Well, I say hell no. If we start grinding and practicing our game, we can mollywhop those chumps. Just like Joe Namath.
GILCANIA: Honey, who is Joe Namath?
JAYLYNN: Joe Namath? The MVP of Super Bowl III? Helped the New York Jets win their only championship?
HALLEY: He also taught us about vapor lock.
Jaylynn gives Halley an annoyed look.
HALLEY: Hey, at least I know who he is!
ASHLEY: Jaylynn, do we have to do this? I mean, why can't we just beat the guys in an arm wrestling contest or something?
JAYLYNN: Because I'm not a sucker and we're not going down like that. Look, I know all of you are nervous about this. It's a big game and you don't know if you can do it. But I know you can do it, so let's start practicing and show the world what we're made of!
SCENE 5
Ken Griffey Jr. Park
Interior Basketball Court
Seattle, Washington
The girls are practicing passing the next day. Ashley walks up to a line while Jaylynn stands on the other side with a football.
JAYLYNN: Okay, Ashley, this next one's coming to you!
Jaylynn passes the ball to Ashley, but it slips out of her fingers. Jaylynn sighs and walks up to Ashley.
JAYLYNN: Ashley, when I say this next one's coming to you, you're supposed to catch it. I mean, if I meant something else, I would have told you.
ASHLEY: I'm sorry. I thought I had it.
JAYLYNN: You haven't caught anything all day.
HALLEY: Jaylynn, we've only been practicing for an hour.
JAYLYNN: Well, we're off to a bad start. Listen, guys, I want to beat the shit out of RK next week. If we're going to win this game, we have to learn how to catch easy passes.
GILCANIA: Jaylynn, I got the athletic cups. Should we put them on now or next week?
JAYLYNN: Um, next week. If we put them on now, they might start to smell.
ANJA: I think I'll just pass on wearing mine.
SCENE 6
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky is on his phone while Wade is reading a book and Buster is playing video games. RK walks in.
RK: Hey guys. You won't believe what I just did.
WADE: Okay, what?
RK: I sent Joe Buck and Troy Aikman a letter asking them if they could commentate our game.
SPARKY: Why?
RK: To entertain myself. I enjoy messing around.
BUSTER: I don't know why you guys aren't training for this. Good thing I got a head start.
RK: By playing Madden? How is that going to help you in the game?
BUSTER: It helps with strategy. Remember what Sun Tzu said in The Art of War? "All warfare is based on deception." We have to trick Jaylynn's team into thinking we're everywhere, and nowhere. I'm doing that right now. That's why my reflexes are so amazing.
Wade takes a piece of paper, rolls it up into a ball, and tosses it at Buster's head. Beat.
BUSTER: Hey, did someone just throw something at me?
RK: You know, I really hope we don't lose this game. I'm not going to be publicly humiliated in front of my friends and family.
SPARKY: Your friends are playing with you and your family isn't going to be there.
RK: Sparky, I know what I said. I mean, God, do you guys always have to overanalyze what I say?
WADE: Yes.
SCENE 7
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
RK looks through his locker for something as Jaylynn walks up to him.
RK: Damn, what does it take to find a freaking pencil in here? Hey, look, a Twinkie. Wait, it's expired. AND IT SMELLS!
RK takes the Twinkie and tosses it aside, inadvertently hitting Jaylynn in the chest.
JAYLYNN: Do you hate me so much, this is your way of starting a conversation?
RK takes his head out from his locker.
RK: Of course, it's you. Look, Jaylynn, I'm already having a bad morning so just make it snappy.
JAYLYNN: I just wanted to let you know that I'm adding another member to my team.
RK: What? Are you out of your mind?
JAYLYNN: There's nothing wrong with aiming high.
RK: Trust me, you're already there. Do you really expect me to agree to a 6-on-4 handicap game?
JAYLYNN: I thought you found a fifth guy. Unless you thought you didn't need one because my team is just that wack.
RK: I haven't found one yet, you low self-esteem having ding dong. But just to make sure I know thy enemy, who's the sixth member?
JAYLYNN: I don't know how you're gonna feel about this.
RK: Why do you say that?
The scene cuts to an outside shot of iCarly Elementary School.
RK: YOU SNEAKY LITTLE...
SCENE 8
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That afternoon, KG is watching TV.
VOICEOVER: When Bear and the Big Blue House aired its second season in 1998, it became the biggest show on Playhouse Disney. However, the success made Bear uncomfortable.
BEAR: I couldn't go anywhere without people asking me to do my catchphrase. I mean, season one was okay, but it's like I had no privacy after season two. That's why I had to start snorting coke but you know, that's another story.
VOICEOVER: Did you ever get concerned about your image?
BEAR: What? I'm sorry, I'm kinda coked up right now, could you repeat that?
RK walks into the house and tosses his backpack aside.
KG: What's up, bro?
RK: KG, I have never been so disrespected in my life. This is an outrage. This is a scandal. And to quote Michael Cole, this is a travesty!
KG: You wanna talk about it?
RK: I guess. Jaylynn decided to get a freaking ringer for our game next week. My own girlfriend!
KG: What? She asked Anna to join the team without letting you know first?
RK: Yup. I mean, where are the morals in that? Has America become this shameless? That's it. I'm calling the ethics committee right now to do an investigation on Jaylynn.
KG: Whoa there, future ex-senator. You don't have to do anything so drastic. Jaylynn pulled some sucker shit, so now it's time to get busy.
RK: How? It's a 6-on-4 game now, and Anna's pretty athletic. It's one of the things I'm attracted to, and my own friend decided to exploit it.
KG: I guess your older brother who has a history in flag football can't be of assistance?
RK: Wait a minute. You play football?
KG: Uh, yeah. You think these muscles just grew by themselves? When I was your age, I was quite the star. Then I started skateboarding and some other stuff so football stopped being a priority. But trust me, if you put me on your team, there's no way you're gonna lose.
RK: Alright, you have a deal. We'll be just like the Barbers.
KG: The guys who do haircuts on Gwinnett Road?
RK: No! But what's in it for you? I feel like there's a catch.
KG: Well, I think the game needs a change of venue. That's why I'm moving it to the football field at my school.
RK: That's not really a catch. In fact, that actually benefits everyone.
KG: Yeah, there's not much in it for me. But I do want Denise to see me do my thing on the field.
RK: Are you two dating or what?
KG: We have a mutual understanding that something might happen between us one day.
SCENE 9
Craig Bartlett Junior High
Interior Football Field
Seattle, Washington
FEBRUARY 2, 2017 - GAME DAY
That afternoon, the guys arrive at the football field and see the girls on the other side.
SPARKY: I still can't believe they actually got Anna for their team.
RK: Don't remind me. Okay, it's time for us to do this thing. How come we're still one member short?
A car pulls up near the football field, and Bitch Clock steps out of it while wearing a sweatband and a sports bra that says, "Super Bowl Shuffle."
BITCH CLOCK: Alright, let's play some football.
RK: Bitch Clock, you look like you just got kicked out of Planet Fitness. Are you even in shape...or sober?
BITCH CLOCK: Kinda on the first thing, yes on the second thing. But the second thing is going to change after halftime, I'm warning you now.
RK: This is ridiculous. We're donezo, you know.
SPARKY: Hey, it's not like we were that excited about this game anyway. Besides, how good can Jaylynn's team be, even with Anna?
The scene cuts to Jaylynn's team on the other side.
JAYLYNN: Alright, guys, this is the day we've been training for our whole lives. We're going to tell our grandkids about this one day.
*to Halley* ASHLEY: Haven't we been training for less than two weeks?
HALLEY: Don't tell her that. It'll burst her bubble.
ANNA: Jaylynn, I'm still not comfortable with this. I feel like I went behind RK's back.
JAYLYNN: Hey, how do you think I feel? You were the one who threatened to hurt me if I told him.
ANNA: I thought you knew I was joking.
JAYLYNN: Your sarcasm doesn't sound like sarcasm to me.
ANNA: Look, maybe you could get someone to start in my place and I could just be a cheerleader or something. Or a mascot. Yeah, a mascot. I want to be something tough, like a tiger. Do you have any tiger costumes?
JAYLYNN: Anna, that attitude is exactly why girls will always be in second place. We don't want to take advantage of what God gave us. I mean, look at Serena Williams. She could have just let Venus become the better sister, but she didn't. She busted her ass and became a legend. Or what about Hillary? Did she quit after Obama got the nomination? Hell no. She came back and got embarrassed all over the country, but she proved that women could run for office. Anna, RK may tell you he respects you and appreciates you, but deep down, he thinks he'll always be better than you. Is that what you want? For RK to be better than you?
ANNA: No.
JAYLYNN: Then you better get out there and make that little boy cry.
SCENE 10
Craig Bartlett Junior High
Interior Football Field
Seattle, Washington
During practice, Wade passes the football to Buster, who takes it and starts running away with it into the end zone. Buster then runs back to a confused Wade.
WADE: Buster, what was that about?
BUSTER: I'm sorry, but John Madden told me that you were going to air it out and I should take it to the house.
WADE: What in God's name are you talking about?
BUSTER: John Madden. Famous head coach? Creator of the turducken?
WADE: I KNOW WHO HE IS. But what do you mean, he told you to take it to the house?
BUSTER: Wade, John's in my head. I've been playing so much Madden, he's decided to crawl into my brain and help me with today's game.
*inside Buster's head* JOHN MADDEN: Buster, you shouldn't tell Wade everything. Just smile, nod, do a bow, and refill those water coolers on the sidelines.
Buster proceeds to do exactly as John said, and walks to the sidelines.
WADE: Why do I feel like I would benefit more from therapy than Buster?
Another car pulls up near the school. Joe Buck and Troy Aikman walk out of the car and head towards the field.
JOE BUCK: Excuse me, we're looking for an RK Jennings.
KG: Joe, he's kinda busy with something, you think...wait, Joe Buck? What the hell are you doing at my school?! And the Troy Aikman?!
TROY AIKMAN: That's what it says on my police report.
JOE BUCK: You really need to stop talking about your criminal activities.
KG: RK, IT'S JOE BUCK AND TROY AIKMAN!
RK: Wait, what? He's kidding.
WADE: No, RK, that does look like them.
BUSTER: So they're just people in disguise?
RK walks up to Joe and Troy.
RK: Guys, what are you doing here?
JOE BUCK: We got your letter asking us to commentate your game today.
TROY AIKMAN: And when we found out that you weren't at the park, we contacted your friends on Facebook for info.
RK: So you were stalking them?
TROY AIKMAN: I like to refer to it as investigative journalism.
RK: Damn, this is so unreal. I guess you could sit down anywhere around here or...
JOE BUCK: Oh, don't worry, we brought our own commentary booth. Guys, come on, the game's about to start!
Erin Andrews and Chris Myers walk out of the car carrying equipment.
ERIN ANDREWS: You know, you could help us with this stuff.
JOE BUCK: I could, but then you're not doing it yourself.
KG: Hey, it's Erin Andrews. Are you going to sue us if we don't do what you tell us?
ERIN ANDREWS: I don't sue people anymore. But I am moving on to law school.
CHRIS MYERS: Hey, Troy, where do you...
TROY AIKMAN: We don't need to talk about that. Just set up the booth and if anyone asks anything, you were in Tijuana buying hair curlers.
CHRIS MYERS: Okay. Hey Wade!
WADE: What's going on, Chris?
Chris gives Wade the wink and the gun, then starts setting up the commentary booth. Cut to Sparky and Wade.
SPARKY: Wade, how do you know Chris Myers?
WADE: Oh, you know, from a mutual friend. You should have been there.
SPARKY: Been there for what? I know nothing about your experience.
WADE: You know what, Sparky? Maybe that's just part of the adventure.
SCENE 11
Craig Bartlett Junior High
Interior Football Field
Seattle, Washington
The boys and girls are standing in opposite tunnels on the field. Cut to the boys' tunnel.
BITCH CLOCK: This is ridiculous. We're playing a real live football game today and no one bothered to sing the national anthem?
SPARKY: Does it matter?
BITCH CLOCK: Well, yeah. Whatever happened to being proud of this country?
RK: I think it disappeared after the Democrats went extinct.
BUSTER: He's starting the introductions! No, John, I don't have on last night's underwear!
JOE BUCK: This team pulled itself up by its bootstraps in the face of adversity. They have won championships all over the world, but this one's for the Gipper.
WADE: RK, did you write that introduction yourself?
RK: No, Mister Softee did. Yes, I wrote it!
JOE BUCK: Please welcome the greatest team in the history of the world, the boys of TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS!
("Mosh" by Eminem plays in the background as the boys run onto the field.)
JOE BUCK: And now here's a team that wants to start a revolution. They have style, grace, and determination like no one else. For them, winning is the only option. So without further ado, let's meet the fiercest players in the game, the MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE!
("Confident" by Demi Lovato plays in the background as the girls run into the field.)
RK: Of course they use that f***ing song.
SCENE 12
Craig Bartlett Junior High
Interior Football Field
Seattle, Washington
RK steps up to the line near the boys' end zone for the first play of the game.
JOE BUCK: The girls won the coin toss but they have decided to receive in the second half, so let's see what RK can do on offense to start us off.
RK: Okay, blue chip 47. Sweet cream on an ice cream sandwich, Minnesota sauerkraut! Minnesota sauerkraut! Rack 'em up!
BITCH CLOCK: What in God's name does that even mean?
RK: It means I'm passing the ball. Come on, man, know your lingo. You're embarassing me out here. HUT HUT!
There is a brief delay as RK scratches his head, then snaps his fingers.
RK: Hey guys, new play I just thought up.
Bitch Clock snaps the ball over RK's head. RK goes to retrieve the ball, but he is tackled by Anja in the endzone.
RK: Dammit!
JOE BUCK: And for the girls, they have already put points on the board with an unexpected safety.
TROY AIKMAN: I think what had happened was RK went back to the line, he wanted to change the play, Bitch Clock didn't hear him, and the ball sails into the end zone.
JOE BUCK: I'm watching the same game you are, Troy.
WADE: RK, what just happened? Now we have to punt.
RK: I called an audible. It's not my fault all those years of craft beers have gone to Bitch Clock's ears.
BITCH CLOCK: Oh, please, like I'm supposed to keep up with your dumbass plays.
SPARKY: Guys, we're not here to start fighting with each other. It's time to cut the crap and get serious.
BUSTER: Sparky's right. We can't let these girls smell fear.
JOHN MADDEN: You don't have many options. Punt it away.
BUSTER: By the way, John thinks we should punt.
WADE: We know that, Bust...wait, John Madden's not talking to you!
BUSTER: How do you know? Is he in your head?!
RK: I don't wanna know what this is about. At all.
SCENE 13
Craig Bartlett Junior High
Interior Football Field
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn gets the snap and tries looking for Anna to pass to, but Wade is covering her. She waits too long and KG sacks her.
JOE BUCK: The effort of this defense to hold down Jaylynn. What a play by KG Jennings.
TROY AIKMAN: This offensive line has to do a way better job of holding up in protection.
ANJA: KG, are you crazy? You could have killed her!
ASHLEY: Yeah, that was way too rough.
KG: Girls, we're playing football. What do you think this is, a nice drink of lemonade at summer camp? Get outta here with that.
JAYLYNN: Guys, it's okay. Besides, he won't do it again.
On the next play, Jaylynn finds Anna for a long pass and she runs past RK himself to the end zone for a touchdown.
JOE BUCK: TOUCHDOWN FOR THE GIRLS! Anna was a ringer brought in by Jaylynn and she has already made her presence felt.
RK: Wow. Anna just kicked my ass.
KG: Wow. Anna just kicked your...
RK: Yeah, I already covered that.
The teams line up for the field goal.
BUSTER: John, do you have any tips?
JOHN MADDEN: Tackle Anja and take the ball. Run it back for the touchdown, and get some nice points.
BUSTER: That doesn't make any sense. How are you a legendary head coach and that's your plan?
SPARKY: Buster, who are you talking to?
BUSTER: John Madden, how many times do I have to tell you guys? Listen, John, I'm going to look like an idiot if I make that play.
JOHN MADDEN: Buster, unless you want me to kill you, you'll do what I say.
BUSTER: You're bluffing. You won't kill me.
Buster hears a shotgun in his head.
JOHN MADDEN: You think I'm playing? You really think I'm playing?
Buster gulps in fear and tackles Anja, then picks up the loose ball.
BUSTER: TOUCHDOWN!
RK: BUSTER, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!
JOE BUCK: Buster is running towards the opposite end, and the girls are leading the chase.
TROY AIKMAN: Very unorthodox move here.
JOE BUCK: And Buster reaches the end zone but this surely will not count as a touchdown.
Buster starts doing Victor Cruz's salsa dance and gets hit in the back of his head by Anja.
JOE BUCK: And now, there's a volatile situation in the end zone.
ANJA: What was that, Buster?
BUSTER: JOHN MADDEN TOLD ME TO!
The boys and girls start getting into a brawl in the end zone. At that point, Lynne arrives to the school and walks onto the field.
JOE BUCK: Looks like Anja's little sister is going to restore order here.
TROY AIKMAN: You know, I talked to Anja before the game and it seemed like Lynne was going to be the wild card here.
Lynne walks up to the guys as they continue fighting.
LYNNE: GUYS! GUYS!
ANJA: Lynne, what are you doing here?
LYNNE: I just wanted to know if we were still going to have lunch on Saturday. I tried calling but then I remembered you said you would be here so I took a bus.
ANJA: Yeah, we still are.
LYNNE: Okay, cool. And whatever you guys are fighting about, it's not a big deal. I mean, it's a football game, not the War of 1812.
Lynne shrugs and leaves the field. Beat.
RK: What a stupid name for a war.
SCENE 14
("Tick Tick Boom" by The Hives plays in the background)
Anja kicks the field goal succesfully and the game continues. Masters of the Universe leads 9-0. On the next drive for the boys, RK hands it off to Sparky who gets the first down. He then passes it to Buster, who catches it but then gets tackled and loses it. RK passes it again looking for KG, but Anna picks it off for an interception and returns it all the way for a touchdown, followed by Anja's field goal. Masters, 16-0. RK finally finds the endzone when he takes the ball faking a pass play, and then runs it himself for a touchdown. Wade then makes the field goal. Masters, 16-7. On the punt return, Ashley catches the ball, and manages to slip past Buster trying to attack her legs, then avoids Bitch Clock and Sparky towards the end zone for another touchdown. Anja misses the field goal, but the Masters lead 22-7 at halftime.
JOE BUCK: And offensively, it has been all Masters heading into the second half. I don't think anyone expected this leading up to kickoff.
TROY AIKMAN: It's definitely been a shocker. I mean, the Masters are protecting Jaylynn, pressuring RK, making sure the boys can't score points. It doesn't look good for TSE.
JOE BUCK: We're now going to go to the boys locker room where our own Chris Myers is doing some investigative journalism.
TROY AIKMAN: I taught you guys that.
JOE BUCK: Chris, what's going on inside the mind of Testicular Sound Express right now?
Cut to Chris Myers inside the locker room of Testicular Sound Express. The boys are visibly frustrated.
CHRIS MYERS: Joe, there's a lot of tension in this room right now. You could tell the boys don't want me in here because it feels like a powder keg on the brink of explosion and it's starting to make me uncomfortable.
KG: You're damn right we don't want you in here, now get out.
Chris looks at the boys and walks away.
SPARKY: I can't believe we're down by fifteen.
BITCH CLOCK: Yeah. I mean, you guys are just a sorry excuse for football players. God, you suck.
RK: We suck? You've barely done anything this first half.
BITCH CLOCK: At least I'm not missing every single throw. Seriously, who taught you how to pass, Geno Smith?
BUSTER: We're not as bad as we're making it seem.
WADE: Please, the Jaguars could beat us.
RK: I mean, maybe if more of our players were mentally stable, we might have a fighting chance. I mean you, Buster.
BUSTER: RK, you don't understand! John Madden wants me dead! I mean, if an 80-year-old man crawled up in your brain and held you at gunpoint just so you could do his bidding, what would you do?
RK: I would put down the pipe and wonder what the hell I'm smoking. But I'm too young to smoke so I don't see why we're talking about this.
KG: Guys, bottom line, we need to start going for blood in the second half. I don't know how Jaylynn's team is so good. I've never seen Jaylynn even watch a football game before.
SPARKY: It's all because of Anna. Halley told me how all week, she's been helping them draw plays, improve their passing and blocking. She's like a Eurasian version of Bill Belichick, only with more smiles.
RK: I thought you said they couldn't possibly be that good.
SPARKY: You know I just try to look on the bright side.
BITCH CLOCK: Wait a minute. That's it!
BUSTER: We need to call Bill Belichick?
BITCH CLOCK: Unless you have his number, then no. We need to take Anna out. You know what they say. When you chop the balls off the dog, the dog dies. And Anna is that dog.
WADE: Wouldn't Anna technically be the balls and the team be the dog?
KG: I've never heard anyone use that phrase.
RK: So my girlfriend is a set of dog testicles?
SPARKY: I guess this is like neutering Jaylynn's team then.
BUSTER: Wait, if it's neutering, then the team can't die, right?
BITCH CLOCK: FINE, ANNA'S THE HEAD! SHE'S THE HEAD OF THE DAMN DOG! LET'S JUST TAKE HER OUT!
RK: I don't know how I feel about this. We can't injure Anna just to take her out of the game. That's demonic.
BITCH CLOCK: I don't mean actually injure her. Just rough her up enough that she can't play anymore.
WADE: How about we just exploit Anna's weaknesses, keep her away from the ball, and beef up our defensive line to rattle Jaylynn?
Beat.
BITCH CLOCK: I like that idea better. We're going with yours.
SCENE 15
Craig Bartlett Junior High
Interior Locker Room
Seattle, Washington
Erin Andrews is talking to the girls in their locker room.
ERIN ANDREWS: Jaylynn, your team has been putting on a clinic offensively so far. What's your gameplan in keeping TSE grounded in the second half?
JAYLYNN: Well, you know, by just playing better than them, I guess. I mean, it's not rocket science, we just...
ANNA: Yeah, we're going to make sure we keep everybody surrounded when we're on defense. Make sure their running game is a non-issue and just come out swinging. We're a really great team and we have something to prove so I don't think anybody can stop us.
ERIN ANDREWS: Wonderful to hear from you two. Alright, back to you, Joe and Troy.
Erin stands still for a few seconds.
ERIN ANDREWS: Oh, right, I'm done here.
Erin shrugs and leaves the room.
JAYLYNN: Hey, thanks for saving my butt. I always hate interviews, I never know what to say.
ANNA: Don't worry about it. I'm glad you put me on the team though. I think we're really making a statement today.
JAYLYNN: I think so too. We're on a roll right now and I don't see it ending anytime soon.
SCENE 16
Craig Bartlett Junior High
Interior Football Field
Seattle, Washington
Wade kicks the ball into the air to start the second half and Halley catches it. She runs a couple of yards, then gets tackled hard by KG and the ball gets loose. Bitch Clock picks up the fumbled ball and runs it the other way for a touchdown.
JOE BUCK: TSE IS BACK IN IT WITH A TOUCHDOWN!
TROY AIKMAN: And the look on Jaylynn's face tells the entire story.
Jaylynn looks annoyed as Wade kicks the field goal. Masters, 22-14. On the next drive for the girls, Jaylynn goes for Anna but Buster slaps the ball down.
JOHN MADDEN: I never said to do that. I said to utilize zone coverage and protect the line.
BUSTER: You know I don't know what that means! You don't even know what that means!
("Machinehead" by Bush plays in the background)
Jaylynn gets sacked on the next play by KG and a run play with Gilcania gets no yards, forcing them to punt. On the boys' next drive, RK fires the ball to Sparky for a first down, then to Bitch Clock for another. Near the end zone, RK passes the ball to KG, who gets stopped one yard short of the goal line by Ashley. They then settle for a field goal. Masters, 22-17.
On the next drive for the girls, Jaylynn runs around looking for an open receiver. She passes it to Gilcania but it goes incomplete. She then tries another pass play deep, but Sparky intercepts it and gets a couple yards. RK later passes it to Sparky in the end zone, giving TSE the lead for the first time in the game. A field goal later, and it is TSE, 24-22.
Near the end of the third quarter, it starts to rain. Jaylynn takes a deep breath and hands the ball off to Halley, who ends up jumping over Buster for the first down. Jaylynn then passes the ball to Anna into the end zone, but the pass is broken up by KG preventing a touchdown. The third quarter ends with the girls trailing by two points.
JOE BUCK: Testicular Sound Express with 17 unanswered points! The fourth quarter begins when we return after a word from these messages.
SPARKY: They do realize they're not actually on TV, right?
RK: You want to spoil their fun?
Cut to the girls' sideline.
JAYLYNN: How did we end up blowing the lead? This is so freaking stupid!
ANJA: Jaylynn, calm down. The game's not over. One more touchdown and we're in the lead again.
JAYLYNN: Please, this is the beginning of an epic meltdown. I wanted to prove something, Anj, but I guess guys will always be better than girls.
Jaylynn walks away from the sideline and Erin comes to it.
ERIN ANDREWS: Anja, TSE has not only taken the lead, but they scored 17 unanswered points in the third quarter. How do you plan to change strategies in the last quarter?
Beat.
ANJA: Could you say that again, but with less sports talk?
Jaylynn sits on the end zone and RK meets her there.
RK: Pretty good game, huh?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, for you.
RK: No, for both of us. I had no idea you could throw like that.
JAYLYNN: Thanks. But it doesn't matter anyway. You guys are going to win, and everything I tried to prove will be worth nothing.
RK: What in the hell are you talking about? Jaylynn, you and the girls showed out today. Even if you don't win, I have more respect for you than I did before.
JAYLYNN: Wow. That's great. But it doesn't change the fact that we're history.
RK: Dude, why are you so hung up over this? It's just a game.
JAYLYNN: It's more than a game to me, RK. For so long, I've heard all this crap about girls not being smart enough or not deserving enough to make the same amount of money that guys do. And when you said what you said, it hurt me. I know I don't say it at all, but I actually do care about what you think. So how could I ever be good enough if my own friend doesn't think I am?
RK: Jaylynn, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. But football was a sport built for men and it's just not the kind of thing a lot of girls can excel in. I always thought you were good enough.
JAYLYNN: Please, there's no way you ever thought that.
RK: Jaylynn, you had the balls on Fourth Grade Friday to take on a bunch of fifth graders and kick their asses. I know better than to underestimate you. If there's any one person that I know has balls, it's you. And after what you did today, I know damn well that you do what you say you're gonna do.
JAYLYNN: I never knew you felt that way. I guess I owe you an apology. I was acting a litt!e dramatic about the whole thing.
RK: It's okay. If I never said anything about girls and the NFL, I would have never found out how good you are.
JAYLYNN: Do you ever wonder why we fight so much?
RK: Oh, that's an easy one. We're both stubborn assholes.
JAYLYNN: Right.
RK: Well, I don't know about you, but I'm ready to kick some ass.
JAYLYNN: Bring it on. Because that lead's gonna disappear.
RK: We'll see about that.
SCENE 17
Craig Bartlett Junior High
Interior Football Field
Seattle, Washington
In the fourth quarter, the girls continue their drive.
JOE BUCK: It's now second and ten.
Jaylynn gets the snap from Anja and immediately gets sacked by KG.
JOE BUCK: And for the third time in this game, Jaylynn gets sacked!
TROY AIKMAN: Hard to believe that the TSE defense has gotten this much pressure on Jaylynn since the second half, but that's exactly what we're seeing right now.
HALLEY: You're not going to stop doing that, are you?
KG: Hey, this is my one and only chance to be a football star. I'm not wasting a single moment.
On the next play, Jaylynn takes the ball and flings it into the end zone, where Ashley leaps up ahead of Sparky and catches it by her forehead.
JOE BUCK: WHAT A CATCH! TOUCHDOWN!
RK claps as he watches the girls celebrate. After the field goal, the Masters lead 29-24.
JOE BUCK: The Masters of the Universe respond in a big way as they take the lead here in the fourth quarter!
TROY AIKMAN: The game's not over yet, so it's now or never for TSE to finish the job.
("Song 2" by Blur plays in the background)
RK goes for a pass play, but Anna slaps the ball down before Buster can get his hands on it. After handing it off to Sparky for a couple yards, he connects with KG and he gets close to the end zone before running out of bounds. After three unsuccessful scoring attempts, Wade goes for a field goal but it sails wide right, and the girls get the ball back with the score staying at 29-24.
BITCH CLOCK: Nice going, Wade.
KG: I'm telling your parents, Wade.
WADE: You try making every single kick attempt at different distances and wind speeds!
BUSTER: Wade, I think I'm going to sit out the rest of the game.
WADE: But we need you! You're one of our wide receivers and none of us thought enough to have replacements!
BUSTER: I'm sorry, but John Madden has too much of an influence on my game. He's going to ruin it for everybody.
WADE: Buster, why do you think this is happening to you?
BUSTER: Who knows? Unless it's out of jealousy!
WADE: What?
BUSTER: Think about it, Wade. John put me on, he was the one who helped me become a beast at Madden. But I got too good, too fast. The student's become the master. Now John's going to try and sabotage me so I'll never be better than him. Well, it's not happening, John. You hear me?! It's over!
JOHN: That's what you think, you little punk. I'm going to kill you if you don't do what I say.
BUSTER: You're in my imagination. You can't do a damn thing.
JOHN MADDEN: You know what? You're right. I can't do anything. I was just bluffing. I don't even have a gun. *crying* They stopped paying me royalties for the Madden game. I live off of year-old Dorito crumbs and bus tokens that I find stuck in the couch. I'M A FAILURE!
Beat.
BUSTER: Can you leave me alone now?
SCENE 18
Craig Bartlett Junior High
Interior Football Field
Seattle, Washington
Later on in the game, RK's team has the ball back.
RK: Come on, guys, let's make something happen!
JOE BUCK: This will be the last drive of the game. RK Jennings, the crafty upstart, looking for a miracle play in the closing moments here in Seattle.
RK goes for a pass play, but gets sacked by Anna as he tries looking for an open receiver.
JOE BUCK: Sacked by his own girlfriend for a loss! And Jennings has just been taken out by the Masters' secret weapon.
RK looks shocked as Anna shrugs, and he then growls.
TROY AIKMAN: There's this anger you can see on RK's face. This raw emotion that's coming out of him right now. You can tell that this is setting up for something none of us are ready for.
JOE BUCK: Second down and 15. Backs to the wall for TSE.
RK gets the snap and throws the ball deep to KG. He jumps for the ball, but Ashley leaps at the same time and they collide. The ball then deflects backwards...
JOE BUCK: Incomplet...no, CAUGHT BY BUSTER! NEWMAN WITH THE MIRACLE RECOVERY! AND HE'S RUNNING WITH IT! HALLEY'S DOWN, GILCANIA'S DOWN! NOWHERE TO GO BUT THE END ZONE!
Buster leaps into the endzone for the game-winning touchdown.
JOE BUCK: TOUCHDOWN! TSE WINS IT! GAME, SET, MATCH!
Buster is mobbed in the endzone by the rest of the guys except for RK, who after pumping his fists and screaming to the heavens, walks up to Jaylynn and shakes her hand.
RK: Great game, man.
JAYLYNN: You too, man.
JOE BUCK: What an unbelievable play by Testicular Sound Express. The pass by RK was a long shot, Troy. It looks like it will connect with KG when a collision causes a potential incompletion. But Buster Newman, with so much awareness, runs down the field to block, scoops up the ball before it touches the ground, and takes it all the way to the house for a game-winning touchdown. This was one for the ages.
TROY AIKMAN: It certainly was, partner. I'm going to tell everyone I know about this game one day, pass it down to future generations. Just a tremendous football game here today, and I think Jaylynn Hernandez won our hearts to be quite frank.
A policeman shows up behind Troy.
POLICEMAN: We have a warrant for the arrest of Troy Aikman.
TROY AIKMAN: Guys, I have a flight to Houston tonight.
POLICEMAN: We have reason to believe you were involved in the robbery of the liquor store on 5th and Jarrett.
TROY AIKMAN: The guy framed me! He was in on it! Joe, you believe me, right?
JOE BUCK: Troy, if I have to bail you out of jail one more time, I'm telling the network on you.
SCENE 19
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The kids are shown watching TV the next day.
SPARKY: Well, that was a great game, but I'm glad things are back to normal.
BUSTER: Weren't they already normal?
SPARKY: I don't know, I didn't see it that way.
WADE: Do you guys have any idea why Troy was screaming yesterday and saying that the justice system was a lie?
RK: I think there's something on TMZ about that. You know what, Jaylynn? You can verse me in football any time. You're one bad chick.
JAYLYNN: Thanks RK. Even though I lost, I'm glad we were able to settle things. Maybe it doesn't always have to be between boys and girls. Who gives a shit?
SPARKY: Speaking of which, how are you and Anna right now?
RK: Oh, I'm not speaking to her right now. But we'll be cool next Sunday anyway.
JOHN MADDEN: Buster, I'm glad you were able to be the hero in the big game yesterday.
RK: What the hell was that?
SPARKY: I think that was John Madden.
WADE: That means Buster was right!
BUSTER: John, we're wrapping things up right now, do you mind?
JOHN MADDEN: A little bit. I think if you tried using more spin moves when you play Madden, it'll give you more of an edge during run plays against opposing defenses. For instance...
BUSTER: NOOOOO, TOO MUCH FOOTBALL TALK, LEAVE ME ALONE!
Buster runs out of the house at that moment. Cut to black.
("Faith" by George Michael plays in the end credits)
©2017 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS
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