"I could have. I should have. I would have flown!
You know I could have. I should have.

I didn't go."

~Tori Amos

Rivaille hates visiting the slab that they made to commemorate his team. A goddamn rock is not enough to honor them, after all. He hates the engravings, their names and a simple statement.

Erd: Leader, Friend, Soldier.

Aurou: Hero, Brother, Serviceman,

Gunter: Son, Warrior, Fighter.

Petra: Daughter, Combatant, Comrade.

They could never fit all that his team was on an eroding piece of marble. They would never be able to fit in Aurou's profanity, Erd's teasing, Gunter's steadfastness. They couldn't write down Petra's kindness, her gentleness. She'll never have the chance to be a mother, a wife.

His wife.

God, he hates visiting that damn slab.

It reminds him of what he once had and what he lost in the blink of his eyes.

But even past that, he hates visiting it because it's false, not in the sense that they weren't those things, but in the sense that those were not all that they were.

A partial truth is still a lie.

It is made up of what random people knew, and those people, those soldiers all gathered to give their respects to his team; a team that had saved and benefited so many, but they hardly knew them. Would never know how Erd hated horses until he was 12. Could never guess that Aurou was always there for any of them, with a solid, steady hand to comfort them. Had no idea that Gunter could cook so well that they would all gather around the table and chat like they were a family. Or that Petra could spar with the best of them, knocking them all to their feet with her quick thinking.

These people didn't deserve to know these things.

So those things will die with him, and Irvin, and Hanji. Those things, those memories will fade away with their bones if they're lucky enough to have them by the time they die.

But there are things that will only die with him. Things like how soft her skin was, how she loved morning. Things like how she took her coffee, how her hips swelled out like a bell.

Only he would ever know such personal things about her, the woman who sparked him, the woman who loved him despite his flaws. And she saw still so young. So, so very young. Not ready to die yet, born back into the earth. And he certainly wasn't ready to let her go.

So, Rivialle kneels down and burns the flowers into the soil.

They always were her favorite

"Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth. I have to go, I have to go. We couldn't bring the columns down, we couldn't destroy a single one. And history books forgot about us, And the bible didn't mention us. The bible didn't mention us.

Not even once"

~Regina Spektor

This hurts me as much as it hurts you.

WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF!?