Yes, a split-personality fic that bounces from serious to crack in the blink of an eye… just like me IRL! Le gaspage. I don't remember when I started this fic, but here it is.

Anyway, you'll notice something that isn't quite right in the fic. Since it's amusing, however, I'm leaving it as is and just dealing with it later through crack.

Disclaimer: I do not hate Naruto. I just like making fun of it. I tease because I love. But I also like FMA better.

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The scowl seemed to be a permanent fixture on his face as the two walked through the Leaf Village toward the thingy where Roy could drop Ed off. Somehow, through circumstances I'm not going to go into because it would require coming up with some super-awesome theory and I'm sick and not in the mood to come up with said theory, Amestris and the Fire Nation were buddies, and Edward Elric's life was in danger. Someone was coming after him, someone incredibly dangerous. A ninja named Eiron had heard of Ed's abilities and wanted to get his hands on the midge- young alchemist. Roy Mustang had heard about the ninjas of Leaf Village and had contacted them to see if they could help.

Ed was not so happy about the situation. He and his brother had been getting ready to go on another search for the Philosopher's Stone when word had gotten out about Eiron. Roy had met him at the train station and ordered him to return with him to East City headquarters. At first, Ed had refused, but then his brother had picked him up and carried him to the car, where Roy had explained the situation.

And now he was here. In some ninja village. Where he'd be for the next few weeks until the situation was worked out.

Roy sighed when he saw the scowl hadn't left Ed's face. "Hey, I know you aren't happy about this, but we have to keep you safe. The ninjas here are very talented. They'll protect you."

"Yeah, and who's going to protect you when I get back and find that we missed our chance?" Ed retorted.

"You aren't going to miss your chance, Fullmetal. If you do, then I'll personally see to it that the situation gets resolved."

"Yeah right."

The arguing continued until the two reached their final destination.

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Ten minutes passed by. Naruto yawned. Sasuke stretched. Sakura began bitching. An hour passed. The cycle continued. Kakashi finally showed up. "Yo."

"You're late!" Naruto yelled, pointing a finger at Kakashi.

"Sorry, something came up…"

"Yeah, right."

"Anyway, let's get going. We're starting a new mission today."

"What kind of mission?" Naruto asked as they began walking.

"We'll be protecting a fifteen-year-old boy from the country of Amestris. He has a high status in his country, along with a reputation he probably didn't intend on gaining, which has gotten him into trouble."

"What kind of trouble?" Sakura asked.

"Evidently someone is after his life, and the military of Amestris isn't able to handle someone who is capable of using the jutsus you've grown up studying."

"So basically we're going to be protecting some weakling?" Naruto asked.

"Just because they don't know anything about ninjas doesn't mean they're weak. They simply focus their research on other technologies."

"Like what?"

Kakashi shrugged. "I heard that this boy is a very capable user of renkinjutsu, or alchemy as it's more commonly called."

"Renkinjutsu?"

"I don't know much about it, but it's very powerful, not to mention difficult to understand."

"So if he's so talented, how come he needs our help?"

"It's just a precaution. Think about it this way, Naruto. You're able to fight off enemies with a certain amount of ease, but when you drink some bad milk, you're at your weakest. Have you ever thought about how easy it would be to kill you off with something like that?"

Naruto paused, trying to come up with a good comeback. He couldn't.

"So you're saying that ninjutsu and the other jutsus are like bad milk to this kid?" Sasuke asked.

"Something like that."

"What's this kid's name?" Sakura asked as they arrived at the room where they would meet their new assignment.

"He's Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist."

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Ed glanced at the four people who entered the room at that moment. What, so they have ninja school here? What a stupid idea, Ed thought as they went up to the big table where the Third Hokage sat. The adult of the group spoke with the Hokage for a while. Roy took this time to give Ed some parting advice.

"Don't do anything stupid, okay, Fullmetal?"

"Whatever."

"I mean it. If I have to do more paperwork because of you…"

"Is that all you care about? Bastard."

Ed looked over to see that the shortest of the three kids was looking at him. He didn't seem too impressed with Ed. Ed shot the same look back at him. That look turned into one of dismay as the group came over to where Ed and Roy were standing. Please don't say…

"Roy Mustang?" the adult inquired.

Roy nodded. "I assume you're the ones who'll be guarding Mr. Elric?"

"That's right. I'm Kakashi Hatake. These three are still learning, but they're very capable."

"That's good. I have to get back to work, so I'll leave him in your hands."

"Hey, wait a minute, Colonel. You're just leaving me here with a bunch of little kids?" Ed asked.

"Look who's talking, shrimp!" the short blonde one shot back.

"Don't call me a shrimp!"

Roy grabbed Ed's shoulder before the alchemist could do anything. "Hey, didn't I just tell you not to do anything stupid?"

Ed turned to face Roy. "Oh, like you're one to talk. What about that incident last week with the-"

"That's besides the point! You seem to be forgetting who's in charge here, Fullmetal. Or do you want me to reveal your little secret?"

"Wha- that's dirty!"

Roy smirked. "Just deal with it until this is over, got it?" He waved and walked out of the room, leaving a fuming Ed behind.

Ed felt a hand on his shoulder. "Come on, let's get going," Kakashi said.

Ed unwillingly trudged out of the room with the group, shooting death glares at the stupid-looking blonde ninja in the orange jumpsuit.

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The four ninjas and Ed sat in a circle in a hotel room, discussing how the next few weeks would go. Ed was still skeptical that three kids would be able to do much good, but not as much as he had been. Except for when it came to Naruto. Kakashi had a good feeling there would be major problems when it came to Ed and Naruto.

Naruto was unnecessarily smug for the first evening. Ed noticed the smirk on his face and scowled. He decided to ask about it.

"Is there something amusing about me being stuck here?" he asked.

"Yeah. You're fifteen and you can't even protect yourself. Not to mention you're shorter than me."

Ed stood up. "That's a lie."

Naruto stood up as well. "You wanna bet? Hey, Sakura, who's taller?"

Sakura took her time in measuring the two, making it blatantly obvious that she was taller than them both. Then she took several steps back and kept her eyes on Ed, moving into a defensive stance. "Naruto is."

Naruto laughed, while Ed stared blankly at him. "No way…"

"It's true."

Ed tried to think of something to say. This was a huge blow to his pride. Then he pointed at Naruto. "You're wearing shoes!"

"So are you."

"………You're stupid!"

"Hey!"

Ed felt a hand on his head. He looked back to see Kakashi standing right behind him. "Hey now, let's not start a fight."

Ed was about to push all the blame on Naruto when he saw that Kakashi had a very worrisome look in his eye. He calmed down immediately. Kakashi smiled under his mask. "Good. Let's go eat."

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They sat around a table in the restaurant, waiting patiently for the food to arrive. As they waited, Kakashi and Naruto left for the bathroom. Sakura used this opportunity to find out more about Ed.

"Um… sorry about Naruto, he's not exactly…"

"He's an idiot," Sasuke interjected.

"Yeah. And… he's only taller by a hair…"

Ed ignored this last part. He stared pointedly at the wall, trying to make it clear that he wasn't in the mood to talk. This greatly bothered Sakura.

"Hey, you could at least try to be friendly. It's not my fault our team got selected for this. Just because we're younger than you-"

"I don't care about that."

"Eh?"

"I have better things to do. I don't want to be here at all. That stupid bastard Colonel dragged me into this."

"He probably just wants to keep you safe."

"Yeah, because he doesn't want to deal with all the paperwork."

"Are you really that important?"

Ed shrugged. "To them, I guess."

Sakura paused. "So… what exactly is renkinjutsu?"

"I'll show you later."

At that moment, Kakashi and Naruto returned. Shortly after, their food arrived. Ed stared incredulously at the drink before him.

"You have got to be kidding me."

Naruto looked over at him. "What, you don't like it?"

"Hell no! It's nasty!"

"Are you afraid of it?"

"No."

"Then why are you looking at it like it's the plague?"

Ed ignored him and continued eating, thinking, how the hell did I get stuck with milk anyway?

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The next morning, Naruto felt like crap. And crap he did. Ed was rather surprised to see that everyone else didn't seem to care. Not that he cared about Naruto's problems, but…

"Oh, don't worry about him," Sakura said. "He doesn't do well with bad milk. And he seems to attract it."

Ed felt strangely smug at that moment. Serves him right for liking the stuff.

After a while, Naruto got over his well-deserved illness and noticed that Ed was wearing gloves, but being the moron he is, he didn't think about it for a long time. Instead, he quietly listened as Ed explained the basics of alchemy to the rest of the team. After a while, he lost interest because Ed was using too many big words, but his interest peaked when he saw a flash of light come from beneath Ed's hands, and a giant… creature of some sort appeared out of the floor.

"Not bad," Kakashi said approvingly. "No wonder they let you in at such a young age."

Sasuke stared at Ed's creation for a while. "Um… what exactly is that?"

Ed stared blankly at Sasuke. "It's a horse. Can't you tell?"

"It looks like a demon horse," Sakura said as she walked around it.

"Close enough," Ed snapped.

Naruto laughed. "You can't even get your animals straight!" His comment was rewarded with a punch in the face that sent him flying. Once he recovered, Naruto stared at Ed in shock.

"Wow, that was really strong! It's like your hand's made out of metal!"

Ed glared at Naruto before silently walking out of the room. He'd had enough of the blonde ninja for a while. He sat down at the edge of the railing-less balcony and stared out over the ninja village. "Stupid moron not noticing the automail… what do you want?" Ed snapped at Kakashi, who had followed Ed out and was now standing behind him.

"Nothing." Kakashi sat down next to Ed. "I just wanted to make sure you aren't trying to run off. Mustang said you don't always use common sense."

Ed ignored Kakashi's comment and continued looking out at the village. "I'm not that stupid."

"Good."

It was quiet for a while before Kakashi spoke again. "Don't let Naruto bother you. He didn't mean to offend you with that metal comment."

"He's gotta be a moron if he just now noticed it."

Kakashi chuckled. "He does have his moments, though."

Ed snorted. "I'm sure."

"Hey. Why did it bother you so much?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Your arm. What exactly makes you hate it so much?"

Ed looked at his right hand. "You know what this is, don't you?"

Kakashi shook his head. "Can't say that I do."

"It's a replacement. I lost my arm and leg four years ago and had to get these."

"Do you ever think of it as an advantage?"

"Sometimes. It depends on the situation." Ed thought about it for a while. "It's a real pain to get installed."

"I can see why."

Ed looked back at the horizon. It was quiet for a while, and Ed found himself wondering if the masked poof-head would ever leave. Eventually, Ed got sick of the lack of noise and spoke again.

"Why can't my brother be here?"

"He's not a target and he would be too easily recognizable," Kakashi replied. "We're perfectly capable of protecting you, but it would be better if we could avoid any sort of confrontation in the first place."

Ed sighed, pulled his left leg back up, and rested his arm on it. He didn't feel like going inside, but he figured he'd have to soon enough…

"Come on. You shouldn't be outside for too long."

And there it was. Ed got up and followed Kakashi inside.

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I CAN'T READ. So, I looked up Naruto's height on Wikipedia, and on there it said 4'9". So I assumed that meant that he's taller than someone who's 4'11". Yeah. Apparently I'm not as brilliant as people say I am. How the hell did I get into college?

Also, it goes fast because I'm not putting any real effort into it. XD Other chapters will be less fast-paced, but you know.