Doubt
The gym was quiet except for the steady sound of fists slamming into a punching bag, and the frustrated grunts of the person punching it. Usually at this time of day the gym would be full of Spartans getting in their daily workout, but either they were all busy with other duties, or just knew better than to be in the presence of the Spartan Commander in her current mood. She had been unhappy for some time, but it had turned to outright anger after Captain Lasky had left the ship. They didn't know, didn't understand what exactly had caused the shift in her attitude, but she didn't care. It wasn't their business and she wasn't about to share it with them. Her fists hit the bag in a fast and steady rhythm, the punching bag swaying more than it usually would under the force of the Spartan's blows. The hits slowed, and eventually stopped, the bag swinging slightly as it worked off the remaining momentum. Commander Sarah Palmer glared at the equipment, wishing it could hit back. She would rather be in the simulator, ripping holographic Covenant apart with her bare hands, but there were war games running at the moment so she was making due. She needed to do something that would release her pent-up stress, but after a quarter of an hour hitting the punching bag she wasn't even tired.
She glanced toward the clock, and after seeing the time she grabbed her water bottle and left the room. She sat in the rail-car in silence, the few Infinity crew that were in the transport with her keeping their distance. She ignored them, too lost in her own thoughts to pay them any attention. It wasn't until she got to the atrium that she remembered Lasky wasn't on the ship, therefore he wouldn't be there for their daily run together. She felt stupid for having forgotten that he was off on some special mission with Spartan Ray. Sarah clenched her fists, and suddenly wanted to be back in the gym where she had something to hit. Though she decided that since she was already here she should go for a run anyway.
Sarah took off at a brisk run along the path winding through the atrium, finding that it only made her more upset to know that he should be running beside her. She was jogging for about ten minutes, getting progressively more agitated by the second, when she passed by Admiral Hood sitting on one of the benches that lined the path. "Spartan," the admiral called, waving Sarah over.
Sarah moved over as he directed and instinctively saluted. "Admiral," she said in greeting. "Is there something you need me for?" Sarah couldn't think of any other reason that the Admiral would want to talk to her, though she couldn't really fathom what he'd need from her either. She didn't really have involvement with many things the Admiral would be concerned with.
"Why don't you take a seat?" Hood said, motioning to the spot beside him. Sarah hesitated for a fraction of a second before she sat down. She didn't know what the man wanted so she just remained silent; looking out at the grass and trees, frowning as she knew it wasn't really a natural scene. It was all placed by landscapers, not designed by wind carrying seeds or annual rainfall. "How are you doing?"
The words pulled Sarah out of her thoughts and reminded her that the Admiral was sitting beside her. "I'm fine, sir," she responded without even thinking. Though even if she had thought about it, her response still would have been the same. She couldn't admit to another officer that anything was wrong or it would invite further questioning.
"Like Hell you are," Hood muttered with a huff. "I prefer not to be lied to, Commander. I was down there on that planet and I've seen you around this ship. Hell, even random crewmen that don't know you at all can tell you're not fine."
"My performance of my duties has been unchanged since the end of the last mission," Sarah defended, knowing where this was going. She'd been chewed out by the brass more than enough in her time to be able to see it coming.
"I don't give a damn about your performance at your job," Hood informed her, surprising Sarah. She didn't know what to make of it or how much to trust his words. "There are few things in this world as hard as sending soldiers to their deaths; I have to deal with it almost every day, particularly during the war. It was hard enough giving orders to a fleet, and you stood in front of a man and ordered him to die. If you're fine after that I'd have to relieve you of your rank and send you to a shrink."
"I said I was fine, sir, not unaffected," Palmer corrected. She considered her next words, knowing that despite his relaxed attitude this could still be considered formal. "Sir, can you answer something honestly for me?" Hood nodded but didn't say a word. "I fucked up the last two missions Infinity has been sent on. How badly is that reflecting on Lasky and his abilities as Captain of Infinity?"
Hood looked at her, his face neutral, and she wasn't sure what he was thinking. Maybe she should have stayed silent but a part of her really wanted to know the answer. His gaze turned to look out at the lush landscape. "Is that really what you're concerned about?"
"It's one of the things I've got on my mind," Palmer admitted. "Being Captain of Infinity means a lot to Lasky, and I believe it's where he should be. I just don't want my screw-ups to ruin what he's accomplished. Everyone on this ship knows he's the best man to lead them, and that's how it needs to stay. I don't want some higher-ups looking for someone to blame, and decide that his head is the one to put on the block."
Hood nodded slightly but didn't turn to look at her as he spoke. "You know when I was starting out as Captain of my first ship I would have killed to have a soldier like you backing me up." Sarah furrowed her brow, surprised by the response. "You made sure what happened on Requiem didn't look bad for him, and you did nothing wrong with the diplomats. Aside from shooting me, the fault was on Scruggs, not you. If anything Lasky taking action to get the comms online gave him positive points." Sarah let out a relieved breath, feeling some of the weight lift from her shoulders. "Are you really concerned with how it makes him look? What about your own reputation?"
Sarah shrugged, not really sure what to tell him at first. "The worst they'll do to me is just knock me down to just being a Spartan, so I'm not really worried. Being a Captain, having his own ship, that's Lasky's dream. The only thing I've ever wanted is to serve. I only took my position as Commander because they asked me to. Going back to being a nameless grunt wouldn't be that bad…but if I ruined Lasky's dream, I'd never forgive myself."
"Be careful, Commander, there are some people who would use your loyalty to the Captain against you. Not everyone is above targeting those you care about to gain an influence over you, and you have a position worth influencing." Hood finally turned to look at Sarah. "His position makes him harder to get at, but keep in mind that Infinity is only half controlled by the Navy."
Sarah leaned forward, uncrossing her arms and setting her elbows on her knees. "Who controls the other half?"
"Infinity is part war ship, and part laboratory. I'll give you one guess," Hood replied.
"So you think people in ONI might use leverage against Lasky's position to get to me?" She'd heard of how ruthless ONI could be, but attacking an innocent man to get at another officer seemed particularly horrible. "Why are you telling me this?" In Sarah's experience people didn't give information for no reason.
"Captain Lasky is a good man, if not a bit innocent to how things are. Everyone in that room knew exactly what had happened on Requiem, but they couldn't refute what you said as none of us had any real proof. My point is if you're going to toss yourself into a pit of beasts to guard someone, you deserve to know what animals you're up against. Osman isn't happy about anything that happened concerning Requiem, and I can guarantee that she isn't happy with what you did at the meeting. Believe me, going after Lasky wouldn't make her bat an eye."
Sarah set her head in her hands. "You're really not making me feel any better," she grumbled. "So you're saying that my actions may cause direct retaliation to Tom rather than me?" That was a more troubling situation than she'd considered. "I don't want him punished because of my failures."
"There isn't much you can do about it," Hood said honestly. "The best thing you can do is just try to do what you're ordered and protect Lasky from his own best intentions." He paused for a moment before he spoke again. "And don't throw away your own position so easily. The Spartans need you to lead them, and Tom needs you to back him up."
"Sure he does," Sarah muttered bitterly. "That's why I'm here on Infinity and he's out doing who knows what, who knows where, with Spartan Ray." She hadn't meant to sound as bitter as she did and she couldn't help the scowl on her face. She glanced toward Hood and felt embarrassed by her emotional reaction. "I'm sorry, sir, that has nothing to do with this."
"Doesn't it?" Hood asked, an eyebrow raised. "Sounds like it's something that's bothering you; and that's what the subject is."
"This isn't exactly like the other things, sir. It's more of a personal matter." Sarah didn't really know how to explain it and it felt like breaking some rule to talk to an Admiral about personal issues concerning Lasky. She decided that she could skirt around the meat of it and try to explain it in a less personal way. "It's just that he up and left, no word as to what he was doing or why he was leaving. And that he left with some Spartan he hardly knows, while leaving me here on Infinity."
"Which are you more concerned about? His leaving without explanation, or his choice of travel companion?" Sarah didn't know how to answer that question so she just let out a disgruntled huff. Hood smiled slightly and she heard him let out an ever so slight laugh. "Well you shouldn't worry about the former," he informed her. "I thought he was going to tell you, but I can see why he wouldn't." Sarah shot him a confused look, absolutely lost as to what he meant. "Just as to get at you people might attack Lasky, they might attack you to get at him. He's protecting his weakness the way you probably would in a sparring match; by keeping it guarded and giving them as little of an opening for them to hit you where it would hurt."
"So he didn't tell me where he was going or what he was doing to protect me?" Hood nodded and Sarah sighed. "That's just the kind of bleeding-heart thing he'd do. As though I needed to be protected," Sarah muttered bitterly.
"This isn't a fist fight, Commander Palmer. The sort of thing he's trying to protect you from is the kind that would get you transferred to another ship." Hood shook his head but Sarah could see the slight smile on his face. "You marines, thinking every problem can just be punched in the face until it goes away."
"Can't it?" Sarah asked, joking slightly. She still wasn't sure how she felt about Tom protecting her from anything, particularly if it was something that might put him in danger. "I know I can punch Spartan Ray in the face until she goes away."
Hood watched her for a couple seconds, and Sarah wished she'd known him better and could tell what he was thinking. "I can say your concerns about an unfamiliar Spartan going with him are reasonable, but Spartan Ray seemed trustworthy. If she really wanted to harm Captain Lasky, she could have done it when they split from us and the ambassadors."
"And Scruggs could have let that Sangheili kill me, but he didn't," Sarah countered. Hood furrowed his brow and she wondered if she was the only one that had focused on that. "When we were on the bridge that Sangheili had me, but Scruggs killed it. Why didn't he let it kill me? Not killing someone doesn't mean you can be trusted. For all I know, Ray wanted his trust and now that he's somewhere I can't protect him she'll hand him over to rebels - and I don't want to think of what they'd do." Sarah rubbed at her temple, her foot tapping a bit as she wanted to take action.
"There's nothing you can do about it. The Captain made his choice and you have to accept it." Sarah turned to Hood and he was giving her a stern look. "You just be ready if any of those things happen so you can take action as quickly as possible." Sarah nodded, having already planned to sleep in her under suit in case she needed to be deployed. Silence settled over the two and Sarah went back to her own thoughts, hating that her head was now filled with fears of what kind of dangers Tom might be in. "Does Scruggs saving you really bother you so much?"
Hood's voice pulled Sarah out of her thoughts. "Yes," she answered simply. "That Sangheili could have killed me and Scruggs would have taken command. That would have left him in a better position and I would have been out of the way. Even if I had survived I would have just assumed he was sticking to protecting the VIPs. I probably would have given him a hard time, but that's how you keep soldiers in line. I just don't understand why it is that he saved me." The thought was constantly bugging her and she didn't know what to make of what he'd done. Was it just reflex to protect a teammate, or had it been some part of his strategy? She didn't know what to believe when it came to Scruggs any more. She'd trusted him, and he'd stabbed her in the back.
"It is an odd choice of action," Hood admitted. "Strategically he had a chance to indirectly remove the biggest threat to his plans, but instead he killed the Sangheili. Though maybe it's for the same reason he tried to reason with you when he had me hostage. I've often found that even when two people are standing on different sides of the fence they want to convince the other to change their view rather than kill them. He probably thought he could convert you to his way of thinking."
"It didn't work," Sarah grumbled bitterly. "He knew me; he should have known I wouldn't side with him." Scruggs had known her well, and she didn't understand why he'd think she would change her mind. Though he didn't seem to understand her duties as a Commander and that she had to stand beside the UNSC, no matter what. Sure, his questions had made her wonder, but they were all things that weren't her concern right now. She just had to try to keep her Spartans alive, even if she seemed to be failing at that. "There was a time I wouldn't have questioned Tom's safety as long as he had a Spartan with him, but now…We really aren't Spartan-IIs."
Hood held his silence for a second before he spoke freely. "No, you're not Spartan-IIs. You're not kidnapped children forced into the military service and taught that the UNSC is always right. You're grown adults that were offered a chance, volunteered to be augmented, and can change your views. Personally, I'd prefer the chance of rebel Spartans to the moral mistake of kidnapping children." Sarah wasn't sure if she agreed with that all the time. If you were going to give people super strength and the best training, it seemed better to be sure they wouldn't turn against you. "Is there anything else bothering you, Commander?"
Sarah considered if there was anything else that was troubling her. "Other than my shaken faith in my own soldiers? Not that I can think of," Sarah answered. It troubled her that the symbol of human strength, the people that kids were supposed to look up to, could be just as bad as a group like the CMA, filled with possible betrayal. "But you can't help with that."
"Let people like me and the Captain worry about things like that. You just worry about keeping your soldiers on the ground alive." Hood smiled slightly, in a pleasant way. "You're much too young and pretty to let possible traitors cause premature wrinkles."
Sarah appreciated his attempt to be light hearted, but she couldn't shake her worries about how serious the problem was. "If some worry lines can help me be more aware and save more squads from being slaughtered, like Bailey and Jackknife were, it's worth it. Because, with all due respect sir, it's my Spartans that are going to be the ones that get slaughtered by traitors."
Hood opened his mouth slightly but shut it, cutting off something he decided against saying. His hand rubbed at his thigh where Sarah had shot him not long ago. The medics had seen to him, and Sarah didn't really regret it, but she had been shot plenty of times before and knew medicine couldn't completely stop the pain. "You did a good job making sure the shot wasn't lethal," he said passively. "Though you making a shot like that makes me wonder…How'd you miss killing an old woman?"
Sarah frowned and looked away from him. "Not everybody's the Master Chief," she answered bitterly. "We can't all be infallible killing machines, so sometimes we humans miss." She was aware she was being defensive, but she didn't care.
Hood scrutinized her again but didn't say anything more about it. "Well, I've taken enough of your time, Commander. Thank you for indulging an old man in some friendly chatter." He smiled pleasantly, but Sarah was sure it was more just to be friendly.
"It was a bit helpful," Sarah admitted as she stood up. "Though I think my heart rate is dropping too much. I should get back to my run." Hood laughed at the joke, it being common knowledge it took a lot to get a Spartan's heart beating faster. "I hope your leg feels better."
"It feels better than a bullet to my skull, or what the Covenant would have done to me," Hood commented. "Have a good day, Commander."
"You too, sir," Sarah said, recognizing the informal dismissal. Sarah turned back to the path and started to head back on her leisure run, feeling better. Though she still felt somewhat uneasy overall, and she still had to figure out if she could really trust her Spartans without question. At least by the time Tom returned, she was confident she'd be able to set aside those doubts and focus on other matters.