"Any room for me in your future plans?" Bernie asked, tentatively, scared of hearing the answer.
"I hope so." I wanted the answer to be yes. I wanted that so badly. But breaking a promise to Bernie would be worse than never making it. That pain, right in that moment, even though it burned in our chests would be a mere bruise in comparison.
"Hope?" I'd never heard Bernie sound less hopeful, and I knew I was hurting her, but I knew that I'd hurt her more by staying; leaving was for the best, but that didn't make it hurt any less.
I turned to her and repeated "I hope so." This time with more determination, much more reassurance. One day I would be happy again, and then I'd go back to Holby…back to Bernie. Our lips gravitated towards each other as a promise that we'd see each other again.
"Okay." Bernie whispered. "I can live with that." She paused again. "Do you really have to go?" Bernie sounded like she was about to cry, and I knew that each tear would make leaving her more painful.
"Oh, don't ask me again, please. Let's not make each other cry." I looked up to the stars, willing my own tears not to fall.
"No, alright, alright, different question. Do you plan to come back?" To be honest I didn't know the answer.
I sighed and smiled until I replied, "I hope so." Bernie, having already guessed my answer, mouthed in unison.
Icarus, as I insisted on calling him, flapped his wings and finally, flew away. Some sort of rubbish symbolic metaphor for myself, I suppose. Although I was drunk, so maybe that's nonsense.
X
It was just under 15 minutes later when we finally moved, after staring into each other's eyes, trying to commit each millimetre of the other's face to our memory.
"Can you please stop staring into my soul like that; you're making me feel exposed." I had commented, Bernie's deep brown eyes making me feel like she could read everything inside me. "Anyway, it's getting chilly."
"Come on then Campbell, I'm sure that our backs will forgive us if we move sooner rather than later." Bernie stood, yawning.
"But don't you need to finish your shift?"
"I'll call Hanssen when we're home." And then I could see the cogs turning in her mind, silently wondering if she'd be invited back to mine for one last time.
"You can stay with me." I confirmed, not wanting to push her away mere hours before I left. "I mean…if it tomorrow…if I'm leaving…well, I'm a bit tipsy, but you know what I mean." I ignored the raised eyebrow and chuckle in response to claiming I was tipsy, folding the blanket we had been laying under.
X
Once we arrived back at my house we were met by Jason asking why we were home early, since our shifts didn't finish for another 47 minutes, but we brushed him off by promising to explain in the morning, but saying that we both needed to sleep right now.
"I really do love you Bernie. I'm so so sorry for leaving you." I cried into Bernie's shoulder once we were under the bed covers and the bedside lamp has been switched off.
"Please come back." Was Bernie's only response.